Turning a corner...

I believe that I am turning a corner. Don't get me wrong, I can still cry at the drop of a hat, but there is more of a lightness in my attitude each day. I find myself knitting less (I started knitting August 10th and haven't really stopped in more than 6 months) and enjoying doing other things. I'm enjoying time with my friends a little more. I'm enjoying exercising and meeting with my teen girl (she's not mine, but she's a girl I hang out with a lot). I finally made an appointment with my doctor to talk about anxiety and other things. It was amazing to be able to talk with her and get some answers about things that I didn't have answers for before. I'm going to her again in a month for a followup.

I find myself thinking that I should be knitting  because I haven't been doing as much of it, but then I look at my yarn and think, "I don't need you today." It has become a little harder to start projects because I don't feel the need to compulsively knit anymore. I'm a little more choosy about what I knit since I'm not knitting just to knit anymore. I want to begin selling things, so sometimes I can't be as choosy, but it does feel nice to be choosy. I like sifting through different projects and waiting until I find the perfect yarn to begin something. there is just something super peaceful about that - knitting because I enjoy it...not because I feel like I need to in order to keep my hands busy and not think about this past year.

I'm so thankful for the years I got with my brother. He was such an amazing older brother and friend. Someone I love and respected. Someone whom I will never forget and will always with I had more time with.

6 months

6 months ago today Jason went Home. I can't believe it has been this long. It is amazing to me how time just arbitrarily moves on without our permission.

Today, I am remembering my brother with joy, but am also sad that he isn't here to celebrate with me the purchase of a new phone. I will be spending time with friends later. I love and miss my brother more than I can say, but I know that he is in a much better place. As much as I would love to be meeting up with him at Gov Cup in an hour or two, I wouldn't wish him back from where he is.

Wow

Okay, so I know that God has a plan. I know that He is in control. I know.

But, sometimes I wonder what He is doing.

5 months and 3 days ago, my brother went home. To his heavenly home. I'm still sad most of the time. Sometimes I can't believe that he is actually gone.

3 months and 3 days ago, my great grandmother went home. Also to her heavenly home. She was ready, we were ready for her, but it is still so fresh.

Last night, my dear friend Katie went home. To her heavenly home. Katie and I knew each other because we worked together at summer camp. We spent 2 amazing summers together serving God and being crazy around kids. It was fantastic. We had drifted apart in the last few years due to different life circumstances, but we still talked on occasion. In fact, when Jason died, she drove 6 hours to come to the funeral because she knew I would need a friend. She and I had been talking about me going up to WA to visit her there sometime soon. It is hard to believe that another good friend has left this life.

Yet another reminder to tell the people you love that you love them. You don't know how long they will be here.

New Year - New Beginnings

2011 was probably the worst year of my life so far. I lost my brother - one of my best friends. Sometimes I still can't believe that I will never speak to him again. Some days it is so much that I can hardly breathe. This beginning of a year is bittersweet - I'm ready for 2011 to be behind me...I'm ready for a new year, but, I'm not ready to live a year without him. I know I have to, but I'm not ready to be in this position.

2012 has hopes to be a better year - I'm hoping for no hospitals, no funerals. I know only God is in control, but it does look more promising.

Here's to beginning a new year, whether I'm ready for it or not.

Traditions

Traditions have always been very important in my family. We used to go out to a movie on Thanksgiving - that tradition kind of died when I went away to school and we replaced it with going to a movie on Christmas day. We open all of our Christmas presents on Christmas Eve because my mom didn't want us to believe in Santa. We have potato soup on Christmas Eve and roast on Christmas Day. And, those are just the beginning.

One of my favorite traditions will never happen again. One of the many things that has changed about life since Jason went to heaven. This tradition happens on December 22nd. Jason and I would get up in the morning and go get coffee and then we would go purchase his Christmas presents for others. We would go get lunch and then go home where we would proceed to watch a movie while I would wrap the presents and put them under the tree, and then we would make dinner before mom got home (if we were home in time for that...sometimes we weren't).

As it has gotten closer to the 22nd this year, I find myself having a hard time. It was a day that always revolved around Jason - ever since I was 13. It has been a tradition for 1/2 of my life, and I don't know how to deal with it not revolving around him. One thing I am glad for is having friends here in Oregon who are willing to set aside things in their lives to support me. I don't know what tomorrow is going to look like, but I know that I have friends who will be there for me when I need support.

#13

**Last one ahead of time - I'll be back in town for the 14th**

I'm thankful for my cousins - both far and near. They are a joy in my life, and I've loved spending time with them and knowing their individual personalities. I'm so proud of the amazing young men and women that they have grown up to be.

#12

I'm thankful for an amazing apartment to live in. I'm thankful that in the midst of all of the chaos of my life, I have a little place to call home.

#11

**Posting early as I will be out of town for a few days**

I'm thankful for a church family that has been so supportive through everything I have been through in the past several months.

#10

I'm thankful for a pastor who serves his church with humility, even when things around him seem to be crumbling.

#9

I'm thankful for a close group of friends (both in proximity to where I live as well as relationship). I'm thankful that these friends are friends who desire to serve God no matter what they are doing. I'm so encouraged by them and their testimonies of how God is using them at work. What is super encouraging is that last night we gathered at a house and spent about 45 minutes praying. First for the leadership of our church and then for the former coworker of one in the group whose wife just unexpectedly died a few days ago. It is fantastic to have them as part of my life.