it's by grace and love that i am free

this week has been a busy one for me, and i'm looking forward to this weekend - getting away with friends and spending time bringing in the new year with them. i am SO blessed to be able to have friends who seek to honor God in what they do. i sometimes don't even know how to explain how blessed i feel to have friends like these ones.

this year, i want to strive to make time with God a priority. i've realized that lately, i've been putting God on the back burner in my life, and that isn't okay. He needs to be the #1 priority in my life, above the things that seem to take up all of my time. i am going to strive to make better use of my time, and even if there are things that i need to cut out, i am going to make time for Him. i've already decided on one big cut in my life, and i'm looking to cut another thing or two from my time demands. really, the only things that i HAVE to keep in my schedule are: awana, church on sunday, work, and caring for my great grandmother. cutting other things out will make more time for me to pursue God and what He has in store for me this next year. i think that it is going to be a big one.

looking back, last year at this time, i had so many other plans for my life. it is crazy to think that so many things can change in just 12 short months. i plan on allowing God to show me what this next chapter looks like...not that i'm not going to try and make plans and make those happen, i'm just excited to see where God leads me in this time frame.

when i think about the plans i had last year, i still have some of those plans, they have just been pushed back a little bit, and that's okay with me. i know that God isn't saying no, He is just saying that right now might not be the best time for those plans, and i agree.

well, i think i'm going to sign off for today...what are your goals for the new year?

heal the wound...leave the scar

i used to wish that i could rewrite history
i used to dream that each mistake could be erased
that i could just pretend
i never knew the me back then

i used to pray that You would take this shame away
hide all the evidence of who i've been
but it's the memory of
the place You brought me from
that keeps me on my knees
and even though i'm free

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar

i have not lived a life that boasts of anything
and i don't take pride in what i bring
but i'll build an alter of
the rubble that You found me in
and every stone will sing
of what You can redeem

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar

don't let me forget
everything You've done for me
don't let me forget
the beauty in the suffering

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar
leave the scar


this is a song that i heard about a year ago, and i really liked it then because i thought that it was an amazing song for the women that i worked with.they were all wounded and in need of healing - it was something that was visible in their lives. this past month, i have come to have a new love for this song. it is something that i can relate to more than i thought i would be able to - there are wounds from my past that i hadn't realized were not healed yet until i came back to this place where i daily face my past. i had to come back to the place where almost everything had happened in order to see my wounds. i praise God daily that i did not go down the paths that i so easily could have. it is amazing what God saved me from when i didn't think that i needed saving. it is a hard concept to write about - a hard thing to admit...that i don't have it all together. for some reason, i find it hard to let the people around me see that i am not perfect...that i do not have it all together. but in reality, i should rejoice over the various scars that i have from my past. they are what shaped me into the person i am today...they are the reminders of how merciful the God i serve is. the fact that He was able to save me from turning into a monster because of those is amazing, and that should be something that i shout from the mountaintops! i think that there is this expectation in Christian circles to be perfect. God demands perfection from us, knowing that we cannot attain this without Him, but for some reason, other Christians also demand perfection from us, and that is where we fall short. it doesn't seem to matter to them that they are not perfect, just as long as we are. and, when we admit to weakness, they are standing there ready to tear us apart instead of saying, "you know, you're not alone. we all have our struggles. i'll be praying for you. let me know if there is anything that i can do to help you through this time." not to say that i am not guilty of that same thing...there have been times when i have been extremely disappointed by actions taken by those i have looked up to, and then i realized that they are human, and i was demanding perfection, and i had set myself up to be disappointed. humans are never going to meet our expectations of perfection, and i wish that above all Christians would not be standing around ready to pounce on those who admit that they have failures.

all this to say, there are times when i feel like i can't show who i have been and what God has brought me through for fear of being torn apart by those who are supposed to be the most loving. in fact, the times when i've felt no judgement at all are times when i have been spending most of my time with those who are not walking with the Lord, and i think that this is something that needs to change. i don't know how to go about changing this, but i think that it does need to change. Christians are supposed to strive to be like Christ, and He liked to be in the middle of chaos. i'll put some verses with this later as i don't have my Bible on me at the moment. this is just something that has been rolling around in my head for a while.

a slow return

i was just realizing the other day that blogging used to be such a huge part of who i am. i used to spend time each day thinking if i would blog anything and what it would be about. i used to put time and energy into this, and i am beginning to miss it. i don't know that anyone actually reads this blog, but i am planning on making a slow return to the art of blogging. i am trying to do some writing at the moment, and i think that i have some writer's block, and maybe this will help. i'll be writing about what i am learning - what God is choosing to teach me. sometimes it will be uplifting for others, and other times, i know that it will be raw. but, what i can promise you, whoever you may be, is that i will be making a return. i am just not sure what this return will look like yet. i hope you stay with me through this.