learning to let go

6 months

2012-02-03T20:57:00.000-05:00

6 months ago today Jason went Home. I can't believe it has been this long. It is amazing to me how time just arbitrarily moves on without our permission.

Today, I am remembering my brother with joy, but am also sad that he isn't here to celebrate with me the purchase of a new phone. I will be spending time with friends later. I love and miss my brother more than I can say, but I know that he is in a much better place. As much as I would love to be meeting up with him at Gov Cup in an hour or two, I wouldn't wish him back from where he is.

Wow

2012-01-06T17:45:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I know that God has a plan. I know that He is in control. I know.

But, sometimes I wonder what He is doing.

5 months and 3 days ago, my brother went home. To his heavenly home. I'm still sad most of the time. Sometimes I can't believe that he is actually gone.

3 months and 3 days ago, my great grandmother went home. Also to her heavenly home. She was ready, we were ready for her, but it is still so fresh.

Last night, my dear friend Katie went home. To her heavenly home. Katie and I knew each other because we worked together at summer camp. We spent 2 amazing summers together serving God and being crazy around kids. It was fantastic. We had drifted apart in the last few years due to different life circumstances, but we still talked on occasion. In fact, when Jason died, she drove 6 hours to come to the funeral because she knew I would need a friend. She and I had been talking about me going up to WA to visit her there sometime soon. It is hard to believe that another good friend has left this life.

Yet another reminder to tell the people you love that you love them. You don't know how long they will be here.

New Year - New Beginnings

2012-01-01T17:47:00.000-05:00

2011 was probably the worst year of my life so far. I lost my brother - one of my best friends. Sometimes I still can't believe that I will never speak to him again. Some days it is so much that I can hardly breathe. This beginning of a year is bittersweet - I'm ready for 2011 to be behind me...I'm ready for a new year, but, I'm not ready to live a year without him. I know I have to, but I'm not ready to be in this position.

2012 has hopes to be a better year - I'm hoping for no hospitals, no funerals. I know only God is in control, but it does look more promising.

Here's to beginning a new year, whether I'm ready for it or not.

Traditions

2011-12-22T01:42:00.000-05:00

Traditions have always been very important in my family. We used to go out to a movie on Thanksgiving - that tradition kind of died when I went away to school and we replaced it with going to a movie on Christmas day. We open all of our Christmas presents on Christmas Eve because my mom didn't want us to believe in Santa. We have potato soup on Christmas Eve and roast on Christmas Day. And, those are just the beginning.

One of my favorite traditions will never happen again. One of the many things that has changed about life since Jason went to heaven. This tradition happens on December 22nd. Jason and I would get up in the morning and go get coffee and then we would go purchase his Christmas presents for others. We would go get lunch and then go home where we would proceed to watch a movie while I would wrap the presents and put them under the tree, and then we would make dinner before mom got home (if we were home in time for that...sometimes we weren't).

As it has gotten closer to the 22nd this year, I find myself having a hard time. It was a day that always revolved around Jason - ever since I was 13. It has been a tradition for 1/2 of my life, and I don't know how to deal with it not revolving around him. One thing I am glad for is having friends here in Oregon who are willing to set aside things in their lives to support me. I don't know what tomorrow is going to look like, but I know that I have friends who will be there for me when I need support.

#13

2011-11-11T02:59:00.001-05:00

**Last one ahead of time - I'll be back in town for the 14th**

I'm thankful for my cousins - both far and near. They are a joy in my life, and I've loved spending time with them and knowing their individual personalities. I'm so proud of the amazing young men and women that they have grown up to be.

#12

2011-11-11T02:58:00.001-05:00

I'm thankful for an amazing apartment to live in. I'm thankful that in the midst of all of the chaos of my life, I have a little place to call home.

#11

2011-11-11T02:57:00.003-05:00

**Posting early as I will be out of town for a few days**

I'm thankful for a church family that has been so supportive through everything I have been through in the past several months.

#10

2011-11-11T02:57:00.001-05:00

I'm thankful for a pastor who serves his church with humility, even when things around him seem to be crumbling.

#9

2011-11-09T19:09:00.000-05:00

I'm thankful for a close group of friends (both in proximity to where I live as well as relationship). I'm thankful that these friends are friends who desire to serve God no matter what they are doing. I'm so encouraged by them and their testimonies of how God is using them at work. What is super encouraging is that last night we gathered at a house and spent about 45 minutes praying. First for the leadership of our church and then for the former coworker of one in the group whose wife just unexpectedly died a few days ago. It is fantastic to have them as part of my life.

#8

2011-11-08T20:02:00.001-05:00

**Last one for today**

I'm super thankful for my friends who live all over the country. The ones that are in Texas, Virginia, and Kansas. They have been such amazing support and comic relief through college and I LOVE that we all still keep in touch. Maybe not as much as we all wished we did (except for with Em - she and I talk daily which I love), but it is evident that we don't need the constant communication to keep the friendship alive. When we were all together in June, you couldn't tell that we hadn't all been together in 2 years. We just picked up where we were and went from there. It was fantastic. I'm looking forward to the next reunion...in what needs to be LESS than a year and a half away.

#7

2011-11-08T20:00:00.000-05:00

I'm thankful for an amazing job. I joke about my job somewhat often because it is fairly easy most of the time, and they are super flexible about everything, but I really do love my job. I love all of the people I work with. It is great to be able to stop in the middle of the day and share prayer requests with each other. They were amazing through everything that has happened in the last several months, and I can't imagine working anyplace else.

#6

2011-11-08T19:57:00.002-05:00

I'm thankful for an amazing step-father. He is everything that a father is supposed to be, even though he isn't my father. He was there for my college graduation. He was there the day that Jason went into the hospital. He was there every day that Jason was in the hospital. He was there the day that Jason died. He was there the day that great grandma died. And, he continues to be there. He loves my mom so much, and I'm so thankful that she found him.

#5

2011-11-08T19:55:00.000-05:00

Ha! I got a few days behind again...sorry!

So, I'm super thankful for an amazing roommate. She is encouraging and there for me when I need her. We truly do well living together. I love that when I try a new diet thing she is right there beside me saying, "Okay, what is it that we aren't eating this month?" It is super fantastic to live with someone like her. I can't imagine how I would have made it through the last several months without her standing beside me and encouraging me through everything.

#4

2011-11-05T02:44:00.001-04:00

I'm thankful for a completely amazing step-father. He is the newest addition to our family, and I couldn't have asked for anyone more perfect for my mom. He fits right into the family and you would never have known that he hasn't always been around. He is loving and encouraging. He is steadfast. He has been our strength through these last few months. I cannot imagine how we would have made it through without him in our lives.

#3

2011-11-03T16:40:00.000-04:00

I'm thankful for having been not only Jason's little sister, but also his friend. I'm thankful for the time I was able to spend with him before God called him home. I'm thankful for everything he was in my life, and I'm grateful for the fact that as we aged, the sibling relationship grew fainter as the friendship grew stronger. I miss him every day, and I'm still not sure what life is supposed to be like without him, but I know that he is much better off where he is.

#2

2011-11-03T14:15:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know this is a day late going up, but I kinda forgot to post this last night, so here we go now! I'll post #3 later today.

I'm super thankful for my mom. She is the strongest person I know, and I am grateful to not only call her mom, but to also call her friend. I haven't seen her in a little while, but I'm excited to spend most of the day Saturday with her - going to the yarn store and just hanging out. I hope that when I'm older I'm a lot like her - people tell me now that I'm like her, but I hope that as I get older I continue to be more like her. She's simply amazing.

#1

2011-11-01T14:28:00.001-04:00

I've decided that I'm going to attempt to post something each day leading up to Thanksgiving that I am thankful for. I believe that we spend so much time wrapped up in other things that the meaning of the holidays seems to get lost in the busyness of the season. So, here goes:

I am truly thankful for my salvation. I have done nothing to deserve this gift, and I am grateful that it has been given to me. I don't know where I would be in life without God, and I'm glad that I don't have to know.

Confessions

2011-10-31T01:43:00.001-04:00

This is hard to write. Hard to admit, but I have to start somewhere, so here goes:

#1 - I stopped reading my Bible.
I was feeling distant from God, so for some reason, not reading made sense to me. Instead, I read Harry Potter and other books. The verses I wrote about in the previous post were ones I heard in a sermon and had thought about for a while - that was a post that I had actually written out a long time ago in a journal, I just put it online for the first time last week.

#2 - I stopped praying.
Well, I had already felt distant and stopped reading my Bible, so why not stop praying as well? At least, that's the logic that seemed so fine with me.

#3 - I've been feeling depressed.
Shocker, right? Feeling distant from God followed by no communication with Him and I begin feeling depressed. Good job, Chels.

#4 - I tried to eat myself out of feeling depressed.
You wanna know what doesn't work to get you out of depression? Having to wear your fat jeans on a daily basis because you can't fit into your regular jeans. Yes, that is where I am right now. Too bad my fat jeans have holes in the knees - that means I can't wear them to work, meaning I have to squeeze into my not-so-fat pants and be ridiculously uncomfortable all day at work. Enter more depression here.

#5 - I've had no accountability.
My roommate has been house-sitting and out of town for a month and a half, so there was no one here to be accountable to - no one to watch my actions and question them. No one to ask me if I really wanted to eat that fifth brownie (no, I did not have brownies, but they sound good today so that was the example I used).

#6 - I used a lame excuse to not hang out with someone.
I'm not usually one to pass up a hanging out opportunity, but I've used several stupid excuses recently to not see people, and when I couldn't get out of seeing people, I stayed very quiet and kind of on my own in the background.

#7 - I know better than this.
I know better than to do any of these things. I have no excuses.

I know that I'm still grieving over the loss of my brother. Some days I miss him so much it hurts - like, literally, it hurts - there is real physical pain. But, does this grief give me the right to do these things? I don't think so. I know that I need to heal in my own way and in my own time, but I can't allow myself to fall into this pit of depression as I try to move through because then I will get stuck.

So, here I am, saying to all of you, I'm going to get out of the house (err...apartment...). I'm going to join the gym tomorrow (I know that sounds like procrastination, but it is almost 11pm and the gym isn't open right now.) I'm going to begin reading my Bible again, even though I don't feel like it. I'm going to start praying again, even though I don't feel like it. And, I'm going to make the effort to do things with my friends. I will not forget my brother. I will not forget the amazing person he was. I will allow myself to feel the pain of my loss, but I will not allow that pain to consume me. I know that it isn't going to be an easy journey, but I need to make the effort. I need to do the things that God has commanded His children to do. Commands aren't things that we get to decide if we will or won't do. These things were not suggestions. God is in control and I need to submit to His authority.

Thank you all for bearing with me through these confessions. I need to begin saying them out loud, and I thought a good starting point for telling people would be here.

Hebrews 11

2011-10-27T02:16:00.000-04:00

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

These verses have been running through my mind a lot recently. As I read them, I get stuck on the sentence, "If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return." Wow - can you imagine? I mean, I look back at my past all the time - in fact, when I lived in New York, all I could think about was moving home. Now, I don't regret that at all - especially given recent events in my life, but think of how much more I could have done if I had not been thinking of the land from which I had come.

Look at so many things in life - are you looking back at where you have come from? Do you desire to return to that land? God has a plan for each and every one of us - He has numbered our days. We need to be passionate about where God has placed us in life right now. While I can't claim to have mastered this (because there are days when I wish I was married with a family...or I wish I was back in college without the due dates and assignments), there is a part of me that is really trying to be content with where God has me right now.

Right now, I'm working in a job that has nothing to do with my major, but it pays the bills. I'm living in a small apartment with a friend, but we have a great time living together. I drive a 20-year-old car, but it gets me where I need to go. I have no prospects of getting married, but I trust that God has a plan in all of this. My best friends live thousands of miles away from me, but I'm thankful for the internet - it makes Kansas, Virginia, and Texas seem a lot closer to Oregon than they really are.

If I kept looking back, I would miss the wonder of what lies ahead of me. I would miss the fact that my mom and I are pretty much best friends and I'm eternally grateful for her friendship. I would miss the opportunities that I have with young girls at my church - mentoring and doing Bible studies. I would have missed getting to know my cousins as older children over this past year.

"If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return." Don't you think that there were times when Abraham and Sarah thought that life would have been much easier if they had returned to the land they had come from? I know that there are times I've thought that - "It would be so much easier if ________." "Oi! I miss college! I wish I could go back!" When I lived in New York, I often thought about missing Oregon - I kept thinking about how great it would be to be back in the Pacific Northwest - to the point where I even bought folksy Christmas music. Thinking back on that, I did find opportunity to return - I found a way to come back. If I hadn't been looking to return, where would God have taken me? Would He have brought me back here? Would He have planted me somewhere else? I don't know. I do know that I would not have traded this past year and a half for anything. I was given time with Jason that I would not have had if I had gone elsewhere - God has all of our days numbered, and while I didn't know it, I spent Jason's last days with him, getting to know him, treasuring our friendship. Now, I keep thinking about those days and wondering if he knew how much I loved meeting him for dinner or coffee - even if I only had a few minutes - it was one of my favorite things to push around my schedule to spend time with him. Now, my evenings are empty and I keep thinking that I want to hang out with him, but he is not here. Not that I can return to those days, but I could sit and wish them here more than I should. I could allow myself to wallow in missing my brother, but then I would begin missing all of the things that God has for me now. There are still things that He has brought into my life - people that He has given me as friends - a mother who needs me.

I need to be looking toward the heavenly country - I need to be looking toward all the things that God has planned for me in my future. Let's all remember the examples of Abraham and Sarah - look toward the heavenly country - when we are looking there, all of the other things will fade away and all we will be able to think about was striving to reach that country - striving to please God and bring glory to Him.

Beauty

2011-10-25T00:18:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I've decided that I want to begin some more natural things for a beauty routine. I've come across a few recipes for different things: shampoo/conditioner substitutes, face wash, masks, etc. Well, tonight I tried my first few - a honey facial mask and an olive oil deep conditioning treatment. And, my face feels amazing! My skin is so soft and moisturized. My hair is still wet, so I'm not sure about the hair, but I think I'm going to keep trying this stuff regularly and see what happens! When I run out of facewash I'm looking forward to trying an oil wash treatment and I'm looking forward to trying the other things as well.

As I write this, I realize that it makes me seem as though I'm some hippie Northwesterner - haha - I promise...I'm not wearing tie-dye shirts or hemp skirts. I'm still me, just thinking that this is the only body I have and that I don't need chemicals getting absorbed into my body through my skin. I'm already careful about what I eat, so why not be careful about what I put on my skin?

Prayer, Going Home

2011-10-06T01:29:00.000-04:00

This week has been a stressful one, but one that has been bathed in prayer. As I move forward in the week, I know that there is no way I'd move through this week without that prayer.

Over the weekend, I went to a church service where they challenged us to work on the characteristics of a disciple, and one of those was prayer. My friends and I were talking afterwards, and we made a commitment with each other to daily be in prayer for our church and our pastor. Our church is going through some struggles right now, and we have been having to make hard decisions about the church finances and other things. So, we began on Monday. We ask our pastor daily for specific prayer requests of the day, and we all have a time of day that we set aside to pray for him and his requests. It has been fantastic to have that time set aside all week when things have been so crazy. It has been a very growing week for me through everything.

Also on Monday, my Great Grandmother died. That was 2 months to the day after Jason died. It was hard that morning, but we are so happy for her. We are relieved for her. She has been ready to go for years. I can't imagine how fantastic her welcome into heaven was - her 2 daughters, her son-in-law, numerous friends, her sister, and her oldest great-grandson. She is free of pain and can freely walk. I can just picture her dancing in front of her Savior.

Life is funny sometimes.

Looking forward to seeing Emily on Friday. Then beginning my week-long trek around the state with my boss. It is going to be a long week.

Ecclesiastes 3

2011-09-19T19:26:00.001-04:00

This is a passage I've been pondering lately due to some things going on in my life - some related to the death of my brother...some completely unrelated. I just love the way that this begins, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." How amazingly that fits my life right now. Lately, I've been battling this feeling that there is a season ending in my life. A season that I have loved for many years, and I've been having this feeling that it is ending, and I don't like it. I don't want this to end - I want things to stay the same.

But, there comes a problem with things staying the same - it does not leave room for growth in Christ. Forcing things to stay the same when God is telling you to move on only makes you miserable. Like He has said, "For everything there is a season..." it is just learning how to let a season go when it has been one that you've looked to for stability.

This summer, as most of you know, has been the worst summer of my life. I've had to endure things that I never wanted to endure, and I'm living proof that God sometimes throws a curve ball and you just have to fly with it as it takes you somewhere unknown. The ride may hurt and it might be frightening, but it will be worth it - or, at least, that's what I have to believe to stay afloat through all of this. During this time of the unknown and difficult path, I have wanted to stay connected to the comfortable things, but I'm learning now that my life is not supposed to be comfortable. I, as a Christian, am called to leave my comfort zone to serve God.

"For everything there is a season..."

I'm beginning to look forward to the next season (spiritually and literally - I'm SO ready for fall!) I do not know what the next season is going to hold, but I'm looking into a few options. Options that may take me away from the wonderfully beautiful Pacific Northwest. As much as I want to stay where it is comfortable because I like my job and I love being so close to my mom, I need to look outside my comfort zone - I need to follow God's plan. I need to be willing to let this chapter close - let this season end. Just like summer here in the PNW, the season needs to let go and give way to the next - not just keep rearing its ugly head.

"For EVERYTHING there is a season..."

Today I watched them fly away.

2011-09-14T01:38:00.002-04:00

I know that it is the right thing. I know that it is God's plan. What I don't know is why God's plan has to hurt so much in such a short period of time. 6 weeks ago, my brother was taken home. Today, I took the greater portion of my family to the airport so they could fly to Brazil. So much of me wanted to abandon everything and go with them - student loan people can't find you there, right? :)

I know that this is God's plan and that His plan is perfect, but I can't help but wonder why it is so much all at once.

The other night I had the little girls over for a sleepover, and it was so much fun hanging out with them and talking and watching movies. Then on Sunday, I took the boys out for coffee (I know, I know, I shouldn't begin their addiction, but I don't really care). I am completely in awe of the young men that they are growing up to be. The goals that they have for the next 4 years while they are in Brazil are astounding, and they are 13 and 16. I was just blown away by them.

Tonight, most of the family remaining here in Oregon could fit into a 1998 Volkswagen Jetta. My mom and Tim weren't at the airport, and neither was Great Grandma, although, we're thinking she may not be around for much longer. We all went out for dinner and walked around Ikea - Monica had never been there. We talked and laughed - it was definitely needed after the tearful goodbyes that had happened at the airport just a short time earlier. We then took Uncle Dave home and then came home ourselves. Life this year is going to be very different...family is small. I know that it has been this way for a few years, but I was always away at school or away in New York - now I'm here and I have to face the small holidays - even though thinking about the holidays hurts more than I can express.

I know that they are all exactly where God wants them to be, but that does not stop me from wanting to be near them. I'm currently so thankful for technology - that way Brazil and Oregon can be a little closer.

5 weeks

2011-09-08T01:51:00.001-04:00

As I sit here, in my apartment, I am reminded of my amazing brother. I am reminded of how much he loved, how much he cared, how he never would have let 5 weeks go by without some sort of conversation. I miss him more than words can express, but I know that he is in the presence of God and that I will see him again. This does not mean that I'm not sad. As I'm typing this, there are tears running down my cheeks. The emotion is never far away from the surface, and it does not take much to make my eyes overflow with tears.

5 weeks have gone by, and finally, my mom has put the story of our journey this summer into words. She sums it all up better than I ever could have here. I've always known that she was strong, but this summer, I learned that she is much stronger than I had ever imagined. I learned that I was much stronger than I ever knew. My strength is being tested, and I feel like I could crumble at any moment. My life has forever changed, and I still don't know what to do about it.

I came across the following on another blog, and thought it seemed somewhat appropriate:

MY GRIEF WISH LIST

.....I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

......If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

......I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.

......I will have emotional highs and lows, up and down. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

....Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.
I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

.....I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’, but forever a ‘recovering’ from my bereavement.

....I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

.....Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of her death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

.....I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

....I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ‘my old self’, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.

Excuse the random post here.

2011-09-01T01:21:00.003-04:00

Read at your own risk - this is kind of random, but it is something that has been rolling around in my head for a while, and I feel that it is time to let it out.

"Hey, Chels, you and that guy would look really cute together!"

"Hey, Chels, I have this [relative/coworker/friend/acquaintance] who is about your age. I think the two of you would REALLY hit it off. Can I give him your number so you can get coffee sometime?"

"Chels, I've noticed that you and John* are spending a lot of time together. What's going on there? Is there something that I should know about? I mean, you even spend a lot of time with the whole family!"

These are just a few of the statements that come across my path more regularly than I would like. Apparently there is something wrong with being 26, single, serving God, and content. Apparently I'm supposed to be on some hunt for the perfect guy...even though God is the One who controls that.

My roommate and I are in the same boat - we know people mean well, but for some reason, it is confusing to them that we are completely happy and content with where God has us in our lives. We are not hermits - we go out and do things. We have a unique opportunity with where we are to serve God in ways that we would not be able to if we were married. We are happy with our lives right now, and we are content knowing that this could be God's plan for our lives.

So, to you single women who are happy and content in God's plan for you, stay strong. You are not alone in this. Leave your email address in a comment and I'd be glad to talk with you about how I got to where I am - I'd be happy to offer encouragement to you with where you are in life. It is a hard road to get here - and even harder if you feel like you are alone. My roommate and I have had many conversations about how we would have a much harder time if we didn't have each other.

And, to you, married, happy, and wanting others to be the same, can you understand that we are happy? Can you understand that we are content with God's plan for our lives? Those of us who are single have more criteria for a future spouse than "single" - there is more that I want from my possible future husband. If you say that my standards are too high, I will say that God does not think so and He will bring a man into my life who fits my standards if He chooses to bring a man into my life. I know you mean well, but you are the people who make being single hard. We are so happy for you in your lives - we love rejoicing with you about what God is doing in your little families! We just want a little understanding from you about us. We are happy - we are content. Please respect that.

So, to answer your questions, "Yes, maybe our faces would look good together, but do you know anything about his character? That's what I'm more interested in."

"No, you cannot give your [relative/coworker/friend/acquaintance] my phone number. No, I do not want to meet a guy that way. God will cross our paths if we are meant to meet."

"Yes, John* and I are good friends, and yes we spend a lot of time together. No, there is nothing going on there. No, I'm not sitting around wishing that there was something going on there. Yes, I like his family. No, I'm not spending time with them because I think they are going to be the future in-laws."

*Name changed for confidentiality.

Thank you for not minding my little rant - it is just something that has been on my mind for about a year...actually longer...we're being honest in this post. I thought it would be good to get it out and maybe we can all move on with life.

Simple Things

2011-08-26T11:26:00.002-04:00

The past couple mornings, I have begun by getting coffee at my favorite little coffee shop. I'm convinced that it is a great way to begin my days. If only I had enough money to do this every morning...maybe someday, but definitely not right now. Yesterday's coffee adventure was with a good friend who lives several hours south of here now, and it was great to talk with him about what is going on in his life and how he is doing after the loss of Jason (also a good friend of his). Today's coffee adventure includes me, a cup of amazing coffee, my Kindle, and my computer - all getting ready for a shift working at the State Fair and then finishing out my work day at the office followed by running home and making myself look wedding presentable because one of my childhood friends is getting married today! (And, I have to say it's about time...they have been dating for at least 7 years.)

Looking forward to tomorrow - spending all day with my mom! I haven't seen her in a couple weeks, but tomorrow, her husband is going to Seattle with one of his kids, so she and I are spending the day together! It is going to be a good time - even though part of it is supposed to be us going through some of my boxes to see what to get rid of and what to keep.

I'm thinking that I'm going to begin saving to start Seminary...or a graduate program of some sort. I think that is my next step. I don't know where I will attend (online...I'm not going to quit my job for this), but I know that I have been talking about Seminary since before graduation, and I'm thinking it is time to begin making moves in that direction.

Okay

2011-08-23T01:26:00.003-04:00

Most days recently, I've been doing okay. Most days, life feels like it is getting into the rhythm of my new normal. Most days. Today, I am just a little sister longing for a great big bear hug from her older brother, and I don't know how to handle that. I've heard it gets easier with time, but it is so hard to believe while I sit here longing to feel those arms wrap around me one more time.

Today, I'm just a little sister who longs for her older brother.

And life rolls on...

2011-08-19T14:10:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how something can completely change your life, and yet life just doesn't know that it is changed. Life just keeps moving along, and the way that you have to learn how to complete the tasks you have always completed in your new way of life can just be complicated.

It has been a little over 2 weeks since my brother was called home to heaven. He had completed his work here, and God was ready for him there. My mom and I are both trying to figure out what this new "normal" looks like. I will say, we are talking more than we used to (which says a lot because my mom and I talk a lot!). But there is just something different about it all.

I hope to get back into regular blogging - posting about things that God is teaching me, along with just life in general. Maybe this weekend while at the lake I'll be able to write something to share here. I just thought I'd give you all an update on how things are going here. There are some days that are harder than others, but God is still good.

And, one week later...

2011-08-12T00:43:00.000-04:00

Just over a week ago (I meant to write this post yesterday) I was making plans with my brother. We were hanging out and had made a trip to IKEA looking for a dresser for his room. We were going to begin going through his many boxes of things in his garage to see what he could get rid of.

Now, I will be going through his things to see what we can get rid of, but not because Jason is trying to scale back his things...because we cannot hold onto everything that he owned. And, all at the same time, I don't want to get rid of anything because these things are the last things we have of Jason's.

I find solace in the fact that he is in a better place, but that does not take away the pain and sadness that I feel while I'm still here.

Just over a week ago, I had no idea how much my life was about to change, and while I wouldn't wish Jason back from where he is, I was not ready for him to go. I wanted him around as we got older. We were friends now - not just siblings. I wanted my friend around in my life for much longer, but God called him home, and I am so glad that He is in control of everything.

And, on another note, my good friend had a baby on Sunday. He's a complete cutie-pie. And, another friend had me go to the store with her today and I held her little girl the whole time we were there, and even though she spit up in my lap, it was completely worth it hanging out with her and playing with the baby.

The eulogy I never wanted to write...

2011-08-09T01:18:00.001-04:00

Jason Taylor was an amazing young man, and I had the privilege of being his younger sister. When we were younger, I was fairly sneaky and would do things to get him in trouble. I remember as a young child getting frustrated with him and pinching myself hard enough to leave a mark and telling mom that Jason did it. Sorry about that, Jason. I remember vividly the time that we broke my bedroom door and made mom so mad that she didn't yell - we were terrified (and still are). But what I remember the most is how our relationship changed that year that you went away to college. You were still my older brother, but something about that distance made you my friend, and I count myself lucky to have been your friend.

Where we used to fight over small things, we were finding common ground. I loved making time in my crazy busy schedule to have coffee with you and just talk. When I went away to school, our relationship changed again, and the brother/sister relationship was less visible. I remember being so happy about moving home because I would get to see you, my friend, more often. This past year of me being back on this side of the country changed our relationship again. We went through some ups and downs in life, and our friendship began to greatly outweigh the brother/sister relationship. We would talk about everything and you would tell me when I was being ridiculous...FYI - I was a little ridiculous this week, but you already knew that I'm sure. Sorry if you were trying to yell at me for that...

I will miss you. Your smile, your hugs, your laughter. I will miss you coming into my office to help us out with different projects. I will miss being able to call you up when I've had a bad day. I know that you are better off where you are and I wouldn't wish you back from there, but I miss you here.

Love you much and always will, Chelsey

The chapter I never wanted to live.

2011-08-05T05:25:00.001-04:00

I sit here, on my bed, at 2am, and I know I should be asleep, but I feel like I need to write something. At the same time, I don't know what to write. I don't know what to say to people anymore. I don't know how to be around people anymore. My life has been forever changed, and while in one sense it is good, it hurts so much to know that those big arms will never envelope me in a hug again; to know that I will never hear that laugh or see that smile. To know these things is to know that he has moved on to a better place. He fulfilled God's plan for him on the earth and it was time for him to go home. It was time for him to see our grandparents again. Time for him to meet his Savior. I miss him so much already that it hurts. I want one more hug - one more laugh. Just one more day, but that won't happen.

I've decided over the past 2 days that I probably have the best friends in the world who know what I need before I need it. I don't think I would be able to do this if it wasn't for them, and I don't know how I can ever thank them for what they have done for me through this time. They have known when to hug and when to joke...and when to bring on the escape. I can't imagine life without these people, but I also couldn't imagine life without my brother.

This brings in a new chapter - a new journey. I don't know what life looks like without Jason, but I am going to have to find out. This is a chapter in life that I never wanted to live. When we were kids, we were so opposite. I was shy and didn't like people. Jason was outgoing and loved talking to anyone and everyone. As we grew older, things began to change. It took the space of 3,000 miles for us to become friends, and slowly, I became the social butterfly while Jason retreated into only having a few close friends. We had more in common since we had both played the part of social butterfly and also the part of the wallflower. We could relate to each other more. When Jason was taken to the hospital a month ago, I never dreamed that this would be the outcome. I truly believed that God would heal him because I wasn't done getting to know my older brother. God did heal him completely, just not in the way that we had hoped. Jason is now living a life free of pain and free of sodium restrictions. For that, I am glad. For the rest of us, I am sad. Jason had such a light to him that he could brighten anyone's day. He took pleasure in making people laugh. He was an amazing man of God and while I can't imagine life without him, here I am at the beginning of this chapter that I never wanted to live - the chapter of life without him. I'm not sure how I am going to do it, but I know that God never gives us more than we can bear.

God is good all the time.

This Week...

2011-08-02T23:20:00.002-04:00

...has been a weird one.

On Friday, my brother was released from the hospital and got to go HOME!!! Not to a rehab center, but to his house! We had been told that he would be released to a rehab place for his lungs to heal more, but they didn't end up doing that. Simply amazing.

Then, I've been the BEST little sister on the face of the planet, and I cleaned his room and his kitchen, did his laundry and am planning on helping him clean out his car sometime this week.

Then, yesterday when I left for work, I walked out of my apartment building to see this:

In case you are wondering, yes, that is my car, and yes, there used to be something covering my engine. In fact, that something that was covering my engine matched the color of my car, and was there when I went to bed the night before. And, in case you were also wondering, no, the police have never heard of someone stealing just the hood of a car, and no, the mechanic has also never heard of someone just stealing the hood of a car. In fact, every person I've told has thought I was joking until I showed them the picture.

A couple people have asked me if a friend would have pulled a prank and taken the hood, but I have assured them that my friends would have left a note, and that they wouldn't have done it this close to Jason being home. Oy vey.

I'm currently working on finding my voice for my blog. Deciding what it is that I am going to write about. I believe I'm leaning more towards faith and life. My faith is super important to me right now, and then, you know, daily life. I'm also thinking about posting natural recipes sometimes - I have found recently that I cannot have processed sugar. It does not like me at all, so I have been looking for alternatives to that and trying to modify recipes so as to be able to eat things that others can eat and not be absolutely sick from that. There are some things that I have figured out in my mind, but am not sure if they will work or not yet. I'll let you know on here whether they were successes or failures...I think...

Signing off for now. Hoping to begin really using this soon - I really want to begin writing again - I did so much while I lived in New York because it was the only outlet I had while working a really draining job. It was so therapeutic, and I would love to begin doing that again.

Hospitals

2011-07-13T03:19:00.002-04:00

I've never really liked them, but I could tolerate them. The smells, while not the best in the world, were a little comforting to me. Now, before you leave this blog thinking that you've come across some kind of crazy person, let me explain. I was fairly sick as a kid. I was born with asthma, and back then, there were no home nebulizers. If you had a bad asthma attack, you had to go to the ER. Well, one thing my mom could count on was my consistency. Every Friday night at midnight I would have an asthma attack. It got to the point where she would put me to bed (I was a monster if I didn't get my 8 hours of sleep at night) and then she would put my shoes on after I was asleep. She would keep my brother up (because he only required a mere 6 hours of sleep each night) and then when midnight hit she would have him go out to the car while she got me out of bed and then she brought us to the ER. The ER staff knew me by name and would usher me right to the back and begin giving me a breathing treatment. This happened until I was about 2. When I was 7, I began having migraines. My mom took me to lots of doctors and specialists to make sure that I didn't have some sort of nerve damage or tumor, so I again spent a lot of time around doctors and hospitals. Shortly after we figured out that I didn't have any tumors in my head, I began having some pretty major digestive problems. I was again going to many different specialists (one time we got a little lost and ended up in the wrong state!) so there we were again surrounded by these smells and sounds. Because of all of that, I was always aware of when I needed to get to the doctor. I have even broken a few bones which brings on even more doctor visits (and if you ever have a child who needs to get the bones in their arm set, insist that they are put completely out even if they say they don't want to be...otherwise it will ruin those little finger trap toys for them for LIFE).

Now I sit here, surrounded by all of the familiar sounds and smells, but it is different. It isn't me who is sick this time. It is my brother. He was almost never sick when we were kids. The last time he was in the hospital, I wasn't here. I was at a friend's house, and he was only here overnight. We are now on night number four, and we do not have an end in sight. He has yet to be without a tube in his throat. He is sedated. To be honest, I miss my brother. I want him healthy and home. We do not know why he had this happen. We do not yet have a name for the infection, but we have a name for what the infection did. This road that we are traveling with him is a road that we never wanted to travel, and yet, here we are.

I have found that this time, I'm not as fond of the hospital smells and sounds, but I am fond of the people taking care of my brother. The team here is completely amazing, and there is no way that my family and I could ever thank them sufficiently for how they have not only cared for Jason, but also cared for us. They not only come running when his machines beep, but they make sure that we are comfortable before they leave the room. They are completely amazing.

We are also overwhelmed by the amount of support that Jason is receiving from so many people around the country. Wow. We began a CaringBridge site to keep people updated on his progress more easily, and through that we have shared so much and received so much. My mom posted something about insurance needs for him, and we ended up finding out that he was going to be covered by insurance and then my employer offered to pay for his premium! The call about paying for the premium came just minutes after finding out that he actually was going to have the insurance. I also just got a message on Facebook about someone else wanting to contribute to the premium. Since that is taken care of, we are going to make them aware of the need for covering copays and living costs because he still has to pay rent while he is here and during his recovery. It has just been completely encouraging to watch the support around Jason grow and grow - people we don't even know are leaving comments and praying for his recovery to be faster than the doctors think it is going to be. That is what we want now - a recovery that astounds the doctors and leaves them speechless.

I can safely say that I do not like hospitals, and I can safely say that I do not want to be in one for a very long time when this is all over. I believe that it will be some time before the smells and sounds here are in any way comforting to me, but I am eternally grateful for this hospital and the wonderful staff attending to my brother. They are doing what his family can not right now. We do not even know how to begin thanking them.

Well...

2011-07-11T17:25:00.001-04:00

I haven't really known what to write here for a few days except for a desperate plea for prayer for my brother. I am currently sitting in his hospital room - my mom is also here - and listening to the sound of the ventilator. I would so much rather be talking about what we are going to do for the upcoming Harry Potter movie, but instead, I am here.

I guess, I'll share a funny story from this morning. My mom and I were sitting and I looked over and noticed that he was moving. He's not supposed to be moving right now. He's supposed to be completely still because they want him resting and relaxing and healing. Well, we went and got the nurse and she came and was adjusting the medications, and we thought we had gotten him back under so mom went out to the lobby with Tim to eat lunch, but we were wrong. He wasn't quite back under. In short, he reached up to try and take stuff out, and I told him "No!" and he dropped his hand down hard onto the bed. I was holding his hand and he tried to reach up again and I said, "Jason Richard Taylor, you need to stop trying to take your stuff out! Hold my hand down here on the pillow." He then started trying to push me away and I told him "You can try all you want to push me away but I'm not going anywhere." He then stuck his tongue out at me. All of this with his eyes closed. Makes me laugh. He's still in there...just waiting to come out. We need him to hang in there a little longer and sleep so that he can get better.

Thank you all for your prayers. They are much appreciated. We have a Caring Bridge site dedicated to him. If you would like to see the updates, please go here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jasontaylor1

2011-07-09T23:08:00.000-04:00

please pray for my brother. he is in the icu in respiratory failure. isll update more when i have more information.

Day 13: Write about something you would like to change about yourself for the better.

2011-07-07T22:07:00.001-04:00

Wow. There are a lot of things that I would like to change about myself. I think one of the things that I would like to change is my health. I come from a family with a lot of health problems, and the more I read about natural things, the more I think that the chemicals that we use are making us sick.

The more I think about it, the more I see disease now and we use so many chemicals from face wash to things in our foods. I'm beginning to journey down a road of natural products, and I'm looking forward to seeing how this will affect my health for the better.

Day 12: Write about what wears you out as a woman.

2011-07-07T21:27:00.004-04:00

I know that I'm doing a couple posts in one day, but I got a few days behind, and would like to try and catch up a little - I'm thinking I'll probably do one more post today and then try for one a day until I'm done.

What wears me out as a woman, currently, that's trying to be who the world thinks I should be. I should be good at something or I should be skinny. My hair should always be perfect, and I should have the cutest clothes in the latest styles. Now, I will admit to having the cutest shoes (I'm kind of in love with shoes and will buy lots of them, even if I have nothing to wear them with yet), but it is exhausting trying to be who the world wants you to be. It is exhausting being yourself, so why would you try to be someone else's version of you?

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you...Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" Psalm 139:1-18, 23-24 (emphasis mine)

Day 11: Post a recipe.

2011-07-07T20:53:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I don't really measure things for recipes, but one of my favorite things right now is chicken sauteed with onions and minced garlic in olive oil and steamed garlic green beans and some sort of fruit on the side - usually a clementine or something like that.

To cook this, I chop the chicken and onion into squares and I use store-bought minced garlic because I don't have the patience to mince it myself, and I use about a spoonful. I add a little olive oil in the pan and cook until the chicken is done - by that point, the onions are mostly caramelized and delicious.

In a separate pot, I put water with a little bit of salt and a spoonful of minced garlic and then I use the steamer insert with fresh green beans and I steam those until they are just barely tender.

Sorry there isn't more of a recipe...I typically just throw things into the pot and hope it turns out well.

Day 10: What is God teaching you as a woman?

2011-06-29T21:35:00.001-04:00

God is teaching me much right now. I'm learning a lot about becoming completely His - letting Him rule in my heart and my life. In surrendering things to Christ, I've noticed that I don't mind when things don't go the way that I thought they would.

For example, about a month ago, I lost my iPod, and it was near the beginning of this process - honestly, I didn't care. I was a little bummed, but I decided that it would all be okay. I really only used it while I was flying, and while I did have a couple plane trips planned, I was just not going to stress about it. I couldn't even really remember where I had it last, so I wasn't sure where to look. I borrowed my brother's iPod for my trips, and that was great. Then, last night, my I got an email from this girl who had found my iPod and found my email address on it and decided to email me and let me know that she had it and that she would like to return it to me. Seriously? There are still decent people in the world!

God is constantly teaching me things about Him and the way that He works. I also have a Bible passage engraved on the back of my iPod - John 8:1-11, "They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?" This they said to test him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, "Woman where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."

I had the opportunity to talk with this girl about this passage (through texting, so not completely in depth) and I am hoping to have more opportunities to talk with her in the future.

I know that there was a reason I was supposed to lose my iPod, and I know that it was on purpose that Gracie found it. God used this simple thing of losing an iPod to bring Gracie into my path - I have been praying for an opportunity to reach out to someone and share Christ with them, and I'm thinking that this just might be that opportunity. I'm excited to see what it is that God is going to do.

Day 9: What virtues do you value in yourself

2011-06-29T00:03:00.003-04:00

One thing that I value in myself is that I am fairly patient. I know, I know, saying that out loud gives God reason to test that statement, but I’ve done it before. I can get impatient when I’m behind a slow driver or when something that is normally fast is taking a long time, but for the most part, I’m cool with waiting. I’ve found that these waiting times have given me time to talk with my Savior that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. They give me a chance to seek His face and allow Him to speak to me. I have come to love those times when patience should be taking over.

Day 8: Have a beauty secret? Share please!

2011-06-23T22:39:00.001-04:00

Well, I don't really know that I have any beauty secrets. I am not big into makeup (I used to be but got lazy while in college and it hasn't kicked back in yet and I'm not sure that it ever will), not that I don't wear any, but it just just the basics.

I guess what I can say is figure out what it is that you like and just do it. I have people say to me all the time, "Wow! You look amazing, but I could never pull that off!" And I'm wearing something like a dress with leggings. Now, while I will admit that I have seen some girls that I would have preferred to see in more clothing than they were wearing, I am a big advocate of wearing what you like and doing your makeup how you like. If you like it, you're going to rock it! This is because when people see you in it, they will see the confidence that you exude because you LOVE what you are wearing. It is impossible to please everyone, and I say, as long as it isn't going against the Bible, rock on!

I'm also just going to add this little clause: Many girls wear things that they like, but they like it for the wrong reasons. Maybe someone likes something because it shows off some skin and they get attention for that. Well, I'm here to tell you that that is a completely wrong reason to wear something. As a Christian, you need to be wearing things that are honoring to God. I know that not everyone who reads on here is a Christian, but these are my beliefs. We, as Christians are called to not make our brothers in Christ stumble, and skin on a girl is something that definitely crosses that line. We, as women of God, need to be protecting our brothers and showing them that we love them by covering ourselves up! There have been times when I've been able to see straight down a woman's shirt, and if I notice, I know that all of the guys have noticed. This should not be! We should be honoring God with what we wear and what we use for makeup. Makeup should enhance the beauty that God gave us, not try and change us into who someone else thinks we should be.

**Stepping down off my soap box now**

Day 7: Write a blog to encourage another woman.

2011-06-22T23:29:00.001-04:00

J, I love you so much. You and I had amazing times when we lived together, and I will never forget those times. I am so proud of where you are in your life. You have let God completely capture your heart and take you farther than you thought you would be able to go. Just under 2 years ago when we first met, there were things in your life that would have hindered you where you are, and at times, they hindered you from moving toward God, but that year we spent living together, you so completely allowed God to take hold of your heart in the midst of trials and things trying to take both of us down. It is amazing to me the strength that you have shown through all of this. You have been such an inspiration to me and I learned so much from your perseverance in trying to find God through all of this.

I am so happy for you and the life you are beginning! You are headed in this path from God, and I cannot wait to see how it all works out! I love you and am constantly praying for you!

Love, me.

Day 6: Jaded Beauty. Has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?

2011-06-21T14:58:00.001-04:00

Wow. This is a loaded question. Of course, it has jaded me. It has to have jaded pretty much any girl growing up in today's culture of airbrushing and plastic surgery. There were many times in the past when I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw because I did not see myself through the eyes of my loving Savior. I did not see myself in a good light. I am glad to have moved past that now.

Day 5: Write a blog thanking someone who has made your heart come alive.

2011-06-20T16:58:00.002-04:00

Okay, I need to start this by saying that I didn't get a picture of my favorite outfit - I'll try to get that up when I get back from vacation, but I'm making no promises since it'll be about a week before I get back. But, it is a pretty fabulous outfit.

Alright, now onto today.

M - Thank you so much for everything that you do. You are an amazing and inspiring person. You came into my life at one of the rockiest points, and you managed to show me so much about myself. You showed me that I was seeking the wrong things and you helped lead me into my calling from God. Whenever I am around you, I am reminded of how much you influenced my life. My heart had stopped feeling before I met you because I was shutting off so much because of the selfish thinking that I had at that point, and then you spoke words of Truth into my life and I will never be the same. You made my heart begin to feel again through your kindness and friendship. I wish we lived closer together so that we could go out for coffee sometimes, but I know that we are where God has called us, and I'm eternally grateful that you helped me get here. Thank you.

Day 4: Style 31. Post a pic of your favorite outfit.

2011-06-19T18:42:00.001-04:00

Well, this is hard right now because I'm currently not wearing my favorite outfit, and I'm also not at home to take a pic of myself in my favorite outfit. I'll try to get that up later. Hope I can do it today! If I can't, I'll get it up in the morning - I'm going in to work late because I'm going to Florida this week! I know that sounds like I'm skipping out on work since I'm going to be gone later this week, but I promise I'm not - I'm working late tomorrow and then driving up to Portland with my boss and then we leave for Florida on Tuesday morning! By the way, did I mention that I'm going to FLORIDA?!?!?!?!

Day 3: Who is someone you know who inspires beauty?

2011-06-19T00:17:00.001-04:00

My mom. Most definitely. My mom is one of the strongest and best people I know. She was a single mom and raised my brother and I completely on her own, and while we didn't always have the most of everything, we never went without the things that we needed.

My mom is someone who just radiates beauty. She is one of the most inspiring people I've ever met - she is amazingly crafty and can make some of the most amazing things. She has an attitude of love even when she is frustrated. She managed (after 23 years of being single) to met an amazing guy and they got married in November of 2009 and I couldn't be happier for her. She of all people deserves this - she worked her whole life and gave so much of herself to raise my brother and I, and now she is finally living her life. She is exploring new passions in her life - she has taken up photography and knitting and crocheting. She makes some of the most amazing things with yarn and takes some of the most amazing pictures.

She inspires beauty - not the kind of beauty that is sought after by the world, but the kind of beauty that comes from within. I can't thank her enough for how much she taught me about how beauty is about what is on the inside and not what is on the outside.

Day 2: What is something that makes you uniquely you?

2011-06-17T14:31:00.001-04:00

There are a lot of things that I think make me who I am. I have an intense love of coffee - enough that I've passed it along to other people. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, and yet, I feel most at home when I'm surrounded by southern accents in the disgusting heat and humidity of the South. I have a love of the outdoors, but only when I'm in the mood for it. One day, I'll wear jeans and Chaco sandals and the next day I'll wear a completely girly dress with fabulous heels (today, I'm wearing the jeans and Chacos with pearl earrings and something fancy in my hair).

I come from a culture of people who spend much time outside and hiking, but I would prefer to be curled up with a book on the couch. I love candles and the peace and calm that can be felt when in a room surrounded by candles.

But, I guess, one of the things that just makes me me, would be that I love sitting in this certain coffee shop in my town early in the morning. And, when I say early, I mean early - like before 6am. It is amazing. There are these older men who are there discussing the latest news, and there is just something about that environment that I love. If I could afford to be there every morning, I would, but more often than not I have to get my coffee fix at work. I love going to this coffee shop and listening to the quiet music and the conversation of these men while reading my Bible and just soaking in the words of my Savior. He is the greatest way to start my day, and it is made even better with a good cup of coffee.

Day 1: What does beauty mean to you?

2011-06-16T22:24:00.002-04:00

Beauty, according to Merriam Webster is:
1. The quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit.
2. A beautiful person or thing; especially a beautiful woman.
3. A particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality.

Well, I can honestly say that if those are accurate, I definitely don't have that graceful thing down. Let's look somewhere else for a definition.

1 Peter 3:3-4, "Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

To be completely honest, beauty is something that is hard to define. If you ask most people today, they will most likely tell you about physical qualities that they believe are beautiful, but have you ever met someone who is physically very attractive and then they open their mouth? Yeah...me, too. It is kind of unfortunate that our culture spends so much effort trying to make the outside beautiful when it is really the inside that needs the work.

To me, beauty is found in so many different areas of life. I have met some amazing women in the work I used to do whom the world would look on with disgust, and yet, they were some of the most beautiful and inspiring women I have ever come in contact with. They all had this spirit of allowing God to be what shone through them, and it was amazingly beautiful.

Beauty is found in the quiet at sunset on my favorite beach - the one I go to when I need to clear my head. It is found in the middle of a crowd of college students who are loud and not caring what others think of them as they worship their Savior. It is found in a hospital room with a mother and her newborn baby. It is found in a retirement home with the great grandmother who has lived longer than she wanted to and is ready to go home to her Savior. It is found in the life of that middle schooler who finally realizes that it isn't about what people think, but rather what God thinks. It is even found in the reunion of college friends after being away from each other for too long. Beauty is fluid. It cannot be contained. It cannot be defined.

When I think about beauty, I cannot help but be reminded of this verse:
Psalm 45:10-11, "Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear: forget your people and your father's house, and the king will desire your beauty. Since he is your lord, bow to him."

Have you ever thought of that? The king will desire your beauty - what beauty? Is it going to be the beauty that I make myself every morning when I get out of bed? Probably not. I'm guessing that this is referring to something deeper than make up and hair gel. I'm thinking that this is referring to something in the heart - something that is harder to attain than the beauty that is reflected in a mirror. I know that some people work very hard to make the mirror be their friend, but, really, does the mirror tell the whole story? I know that my mirror will tell me lies about my beauty. There are days when I'm absolutely hideous, but my mirror can make me believe that I am beautiful because I have done my make up just right and FINALLY found a product that works in my hair (I have curly hair, and sometimes it is the bain of my existence...but more on that later). My heart is sometimes not resting in God - sometimes it is attempting to rest in my outward appearance or how cute my shoes are. Sometimes it is worrying over the fact that I do not make a lot of money. Sometimes it is running rampant with bitterness and anger at things from my past. Sometimes it is desiring things that I do not yet have in my life.

I guess, in short, beauty can be a number of things to different people. It is one of those things that is hard to pin down, but it is also something that when you see it, you know. To me, beauty is resting in God and finding your hope in Him. He is the only one who can make an ugly heart beautiful, and a beautiful heart is something that will shine through to your appearance and actions.

Project 31

2011-06-15T19:42:00.002-04:00

I was just reading someone's blog that talked about this "Project 31" thing, and I thought I would give it a try.

What is Project 31? It is a collection of thoughts, ideas, and women who portray beauty in an inspired way. Project 31 is you celebrating your God-given beauty, and celebrating the beautiful women around you. The meaning behind the project is taken from this:

Proverbs 31

10 An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

Here's the challenge: for 31 days, blog each day about things that celebrate your God given beauty, and the beauty of the women around you. The list below comes from www.shebreathesdeeply.com

The List:

Day 1. What does beauty mean to you?
Day 2. What makes you uniquely you?
Day 3. Who is someone you know who inspires beauty?
Day 4. Style 31. Post a pic of your favorite outfit.
Day 5. Write a blog thanking someone who has made your heart come alive.
Day 6. Jaded beauty. Has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?
Day 7. Write a blog to encourage another beautiful woman.
Day 8. Have a beauty secret? Share, please!
Day 9. What virtues do you value in yourself?
Day 10. What is Jesus teaching you as a wife, mom, or friend? (Or just woman in general?)
Day 11. Post a recipe. Or, if you don't cook, try a new recipe and write about how it turned out (pictures please!)
Day 12. Write about what wears you out as a woman.
Day 13. Write about something you would like to change about yourself for the better.
Day 14. Style 31. Post an outfit pic!
Day 15. Write to encourage a friend. Inspire her beauty.
Day 16. Write a letter to your daughter, or a young girl in you life. Tell her what beauty means.
Day 17. Write about 3 things that make you happy.
Day 18. Describe your personality.
Day 19. Write about your favorite comfort food.
Day 20. Write about your job and why you love it or hate it.
Day 21. Write a letter to your husband to encourage him (or if you are single, your future husband.)
Day 22. What are some needs that need to be met in your community? Blog about how to extend your hand to those who need you.
Day 23. What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses?
Day 24. What is Jesus teaching you presently?
Day 25. Style 31. Post a pic of your favorite comfy clothes.
Day 26. What do you hope your grandchildren will say about you someday when you are gone?
Day 27. Write a blog to encourage someone and build their confidence!
Day 28. Write about your insecurities as a woman.
Day 29. Write about "a day in the life of me."
Day 30. Who is your role model as a woman?
Day 31. Write about your dreams and goals as a beautiful woman!

...something i'm working on...

2011-05-17T22:07:00.000-04:00

I couldn’t believe it. I had been caught by the religious leaders and now, I was being dragged out of the house and through the streets. I was trying so hard to cover myself up, but it was no use – they were pulling me too hard and too fast to be able to do anything about it. Then, suddenly, we came to the place they were headed, and they threw me to the ground in the midst of the crowd…in front of a man.

Then, one of the men looked at this man before me and said, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?”

He didn’t say a word. He just bent down and started writing on the ground with his finger. Didn’t he know how important his answer was? My LIFE was being placed into his hands! I know that what I had done was wrong, but I wasn’t the only one involved in the sin – this was also the sin of another!

The crowd started pushing in. I could feel them all looking at me. I could barely look up from the ground, but when I did, I could see that they were all holding stones. They were waiting on the word from this man to begin stoning me! And, this man, he was just writing in the dirt! Did he not understand that this was a life or death matter? Or, did he just not care. I could hear several from the crowd being to echo what had already been said. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him – I wanted him to see how much this decision would affect me.

“What do you think?”

“Yeah, what do you think?”

Slowly, this teacher stood up. The crowd was completely captivated by him – I was completely captivated by him. There was something about his presence that was calming and reassuring.

He said, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And then he proceeded to bend over and continue writing on the ground with his finger.

What??? He had just told them to begin throwing stones! How could this man who was so calm and reassuring allow something so horrible! I wanted to run, but my feet didn’t move. I wanted to scream, but my voice stayed silent. Then I heard it. The sound was unmistakable. Someone had thrown his stone, but it missed. I turned in the direction that the noise came from, but the stone on the ground wasn’t anywhere near me. It was near the front of the crowd, and there was the leader of this group making his way out of the crowd and hanging his head. I then heard a few more thuds – as I turned to look at those, more of these men were dropping the stones out of their hands and walking away. Soon, it was just me and this teacher surrounded by stones. I was so overcome with emotion that I could barely breathe. Not one of those men threw a stone at me. I couldn’t believe it.

Then, this teacher stood up and looked at me and said, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

Voice, don’t fail me now – I need to answer this man. After what felt like forever, my voice came, “No one, Lord.”

Little did I know that his next words would change my life forever. He said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”

...and i'm finding myself...

2011-03-09T21:54:00.000-05:00

...at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's okay...

there have been times in my life where i find myself completely at a loss for words, and recently, i've been feeling that way. there are many things that i would like to put down in words, but i can't find the words to say. some people might call this a kind of writer's block, but i haven't seen it that way. i've seen it as an amazing opportunity to take the time to focus on God and allow Him to guide me through this whole thing. i don't even mind that i haven't been able to put anything in words. i've actually enjoyed it a little bit. i've been spending much time with Him and learning a lot about His love. He has been showing me much about myself this year, and i believe that He has been bringing much healing to my life. there are things that i have been needing healing for in life, and i believe that healing is slowly coming. it isn't going to be instantaneous, but i am currently trusting that God will bring complete healing in His way and in His time.

..if my arms could reach around You..i would never move..if my eyes could see You..i'd have no faith left to prove..the wonder of invisible love..this is how it has to be..with You and me..the wonder of invisible love..when i fall i feel Your arms..before i reach the ground..Lord, i know Your whisper..though i've never heard the sound..the wonder of invisible love..this is how it has to be..with You and me..the wonder of invisible love..someday there will be no time to mind..i will be Your long awaited bride..we will dance away the night..this is how it has to be..with You and me..the wonder of invisible love..is how it has to be..with You and me..the wonder of invisible love..

I feel the need to apologize

2011-02-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

I had the goal of writing on here a couple times a week after the new year began, but I've been slacking. This week, I've been preoccupied with some personal issues. I hope that this all clears up soon and I again have time for this. Things seem to never settle down, but I would like to make this a priority for me.

...broken...

2011-02-04T00:29:00.000-05:00

I sit here, on my couch, watching one of my favorite shows, which normally lifts my mood, but my heart is broken. I can't decide if I'm going to cry or not. I met with a young girl today, and we had an amazing time together, but when I got down to the reason her mom first approached me about possibly meeting with her, she broke down and started tearing up. I cut the conversation short because we were close to her school and I didn't want her feeling self-conscious in front of her friends, but I can't help from going back to that moment of the afternoon. And, the thing is, I don't blame her. Not that I think I approached the conversation wrongly, but because I know how she feels. I know where she is, because that's where I was 12 years ago.

I remember standing in front of the mirror and thinking that it just wasn't fair. I remember watching all of my friends sharing clothes and again, thinking that it wasn't fair. Why? Why me? Why did I have to be the one who was built differently. I just knew that everyone who saw me saw how different I was and was judging me for it. Well, at least, those were the thoughts that were running through my mind when I stood in front of the mirror. I tried to cover it up by wearing cute clothes and putting on makeup, dying my hair and straightening it. It was painful knowing I was different and projecting my thoughts to believe that others were thinking the same things about me that I was.

Now, here I sit, 12 years later, understanding that all teen girls feel this way, even the ones who get to share clothes with each other. I just hope that I can convey that understanding to this precious, beautiful young girl. I hope that sometime soon she can look in the mirror and believe that she is the beautiful daughter of the King of kings. He loves her and created her to be exactly who she is for a reason.

One bright spot of the day, I think I made her week when I told her that I had tickets for the Revolve Tour - I'm SUPER excited about doing this with her.

new post coming soon...

2011-01-22T19:38:00.000-05:00

so, i realized that it has been a while since i've posted...i promise i'm working on something. i just wanted to let you all know that i'm still alive.

...

2011-01-11T21:33:00.000-05:00

it is interesting when God brings things to mind - they tend to stay put until you can really think everything all the way through and get it all figured out. it is amazing the way that a story you have heard a million times takes your breath away when looked at in a different light. i'm not ready to post what i have been working on yet, but i'll give you a taste of the story that i'm working through...

i'm reposting something that i wrote when i was working in new york. i hope that this makes sense to all of you. i hope you can figure out the story from this post:

So, I have this rock. It's in a shadow box on the wall of my bedroom. It was given to me by one of my favorite people who happens to be one of my favorite teachers from college. It is actually quite the conversation piece - people who go into my room see it almost right away, and then they give me this look like, "Why on earth do you have a rock framed and hanging on your wall?" Well, here is the story of this rock. It isn't just any rock, it is special. It hangs there to remind me.

"They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?" This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.""*

The place in which I work is full of this woman who has been brought forth with accusations. This woman who was disheveled and probably unclean. This woman who knew no other way of life until she encountered Jesus. Why, if I have sinned, should I be able to condemn this woman? This woman is loved by the God of the universe, and He desires a relationship with her.

The rock that I have is to remind me of this. To remind me that I am not without sin, and therefore, I cannot throw the stone. I have been called by God to love this woman and to show her what life can be like after having a wonderful encounter with Him.

Love: "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."**

As I love this woman, I must refer to the things that we are told love is. I am to look at the things that love does, and I am to strive to do that for her. I have to bear her burdens. I have to bear all of the things in life that bring her any form of anxiety. I have to believe for her that healing and restoration are possible. I have to believe for her that she is more than her addiction has led her to be. I have to believe for her that a successful life is possible. I have to believe for her that God loves her and desires a relationship with her. I have to hope with her that redemption is possible. I have to hope with her that change is probable. I have to hope with her that forgiveness is available for her. I have to endure with her the stressful times of just wanting to give up and return to her addiction. I have to endure for myself the anger of when someone says something that hits on a subject that is too close to home. I have to endure the flashbacks with her - the ones where she is again a child enduring the trauma that led to her addiction. I have to endure for her.

This sounds like a tall order for a rock to remind me of, but when I see that little rock on my wall every day, I am brought to my knees in prayer again, because if I walk past it and forget, I will not be strong enough to do all of these things for her. I will be unable to uphold her in her weakness, and then, I will fail her, and that is something that I cannot bear to do to this precious woman of God.

One of the things that she secretly wants to say to the world is, "To you, we are untouchable. You see me only for my behaviors, for my addictions, and to you, that is all I am. But Christ came to love me and to make me into all that He has called me to. If only you could see that, too."

I can often see who she could have been if she hadn't experienced the trauma that led to her addiction, and it is up to me to show her.

So - this was inspired by hearing a song as I am currently sitting in Starbucks getting some much needed time away from the facility I work at, and here are some of the lyrics:
From glass alabaster, she pours out the depths of her soul
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt
She is strong enough to stand in Your love
I can hear her say, "I'm weak,
And I'm poor, I'm broken, Lord, but I'm Yours
Hold me now, hold me now."
Let he without sin cast the first stone if he will
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilt
Point your finger, and laugh if you choose
To say my Beloved is borrowed and used
She is strong enough to stand in my love
I can hear her say, "I'm weak,
And I'm poor, I'm broken, Lord, but I'm Yours
Hold me now, hold me now."***

*John 7:53-8:11
**1 Corinthians 13
***Jennifer Knapp, Hold Me Now

there's a story...

2011-01-10T20:40:00.000-05:00

...that's been on my mind recently. i'm trying to think of ways to portray this story in a new light because it is a story that so many have heard so many times. please forgive my lack of posting while i mull over this story for a while and see what it is that God is trying to teach me through this story again. i've already learned much, but it isn't going away, so that must mean that there is more. i'm excited to see where this "more" takes me.

last night, i was talking with some friends and walked away from the conversation so encouraged and refreshed. it is wonderful to have friends who have that kind of effect on you. it was the kind of conversation that makes you instantly want to pull out your bible and read and soak up more and more of the stories that God chose to write down for our benefit. amazing stuff.

it's by grace and love that i am free

2010-12-29T19:45:00.000-05:00

this week has been a busy one for me, and i'm looking forward to this weekend - getting away with friends and spending time bringing in the new year with them. i am SO blessed to be able to have friends who seek to honor God in what they do. i sometimes don't even know how to explain how blessed i feel to have friends like these ones.

this year, i want to strive to make time with God a priority. i've realized that lately, i've been putting God on the back burner in my life, and that isn't okay. He needs to be the #1 priority in my life, above the things that seem to take up all of my time. i am going to strive to make better use of my time, and even if there are things that i need to cut out, i am going to make time for Him. i've already decided on one big cut in my life, and i'm looking to cut another thing or two from my time demands. really, the only things that i HAVE to keep in my schedule are: awana, church on sunday, work, and caring for my great grandmother. cutting other things out will make more time for me to pursue God and what He has in store for me this next year. i think that it is going to be a big one.

looking back, last year at this time, i had so many other plans for my life. it is crazy to think that so many things can change in just 12 short months. i plan on allowing God to show me what this next chapter looks like...not that i'm not going to try and make plans and make those happen, i'm just excited to see where God leads me in this time frame.

when i think about the plans i had last year, i still have some of those plans, they have just been pushed back a little bit, and that's okay with me. i know that God isn't saying no, He is just saying that right now might not be the best time for those plans, and i agree.

well, i think i'm going to sign off for today...what are your goals for the new year?

heal the wound...leave the scar

2010-12-22T18:38:00.001-05:00

i used to wish that i could rewrite history
i used to dream that each mistake could be erased
that i could just pretend
i never knew the me back then

i used to pray that You would take this shame away
hide all the evidence of who i've been
but it's the memory of
the place You brought me from
that keeps me on my knees
and even though i'm free

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar

i have not lived a life that boasts of anything
and i don't take pride in what i bring
but i'll build an alter of
the rubble that You found me in
and every stone will sing
of what You can redeem

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar

don't let me forget
everything You've done for me
don't let me forget
the beauty in the suffering

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar
leave the scar

this is a song that i heard about a year ago, and i really liked it then because i thought that it was an amazing song for the women that i worked with.they were all wounded and in need of healing - it was something that was visible in their lives. this past month, i have come to have a new love for this song. it is something that i can relate to more than i thought i would be able to - there are wounds from my past that i hadn't realized were not healed yet until i came back to this place where i daily face my past. i had to come back to the place where almost everything had happened in order to see my wounds. i praise God daily that i did not go down the paths that i so easily could have. it is amazing what God saved me from when i didn't think that i needed saving. it is a hard concept to write about - a hard thing to admit...that i don't have it all together. for some reason, i find it hard to let the people around me see that i am not perfect...that i do not have it all together. but in reality, i should rejoice over the various scars that i have from my past. they are what shaped me into the person i am today...they are the reminders of how merciful the God i serve is. the fact that He was able to save me from turning into a monster because of those is amazing, and that should be something that i shout from the mountaintops! i think that there is this expectation in Christian circles to be perfect. God demands perfection from us, knowing that we cannot attain this without Him, but for some reason, other Christians also demand perfection from us, and that is where we fall short. it doesn't seem to matter to them that they are not perfect, just as long as we are. and, when we admit to weakness, they are standing there ready to tear us apart instead of saying, "you know, you're not alone. we all have our struggles. i'll be praying for you. let me know if there is anything that i can do to help you through this time." not to say that i am not guilty of that same thing...there have been times when i have been extremely disappointed by actions taken by those i have looked up to, and then i realized that they are human, and i was demanding perfection, and i had set myself up to be disappointed. humans are never going to meet our expectations of perfection, and i wish that above all Christians would not be standing around ready to pounce on those who admit that they have failures.

all this to say, there are times when i feel like i can't show who i have been and what God has brought me through for fear of being torn apart by those who are supposed to be the most loving. in fact, the times when i've felt no judgement at all are times when i have been spending most of my time with those who are not walking with the Lord, and i think that this is something that needs to change. i don't know how to go about changing this, but i think that it does need to change. Christians are supposed to strive to be like Christ, and He liked to be in the middle of chaos. i'll put some verses with this later as i don't have my Bible on me at the moment. this is just something that has been rolling around in my head for a while.

a slow return

2010-12-22T13:22:00.001-05:00

i was just realizing the other day that blogging used to be such a huge part of who i am. i used to spend time each day thinking if i would blog anything and what it would be about. i used to put time and energy into this, and i am beginning to miss it. i don't know that anyone actually reads this blog, but i am planning on making a slow return to the art of blogging. i am trying to do some writing at the moment, and i think that i have some writer's block, and maybe this will help. i'll be writing about what i am learning - what God is choosing to teach me. sometimes it will be uplifting for others, and other times, i know that it will be raw. but, what i can promise you, whoever you may be, is that i will be making a return. i am just not sure what this return will look like yet. i hope you stay with me through this.

something i just don't like

2010-02-14T20:03:00.000-05:00

is this feeling.

the feeling of missing someone.

but i don't know who that someone is.

i want to know who that someone is, but i don't know them yet.

definitely one of my least favorite things to feel.

it makes me sad.

What if...

2010-01-03T01:37:00.000-05:00

what if God led you to a wonderful place?

what if God used that wonderful place to stretch and grow you?

what if that wonderful place provided you with an income as well as a place to live?

what if God had to bring you to this place to teach you complete reliance on Him?

what if God told you that it was time to leave before you thought that you would?

those (and many others) are the thoughts running through my head at this point. i can't explain it any other way than to say that God is really working on my heart right now. He is showing me some things about my heart and my life, and i can't ignore them. my coworker and i were talking tonight about how we think that our time here might be ending sooner than we had expected. we were talking about how we believe we have done everything we can here and that we have gained everything that we can from this place. it is hard to think of life not being here, but at the same time, that is what is bringing me through each day. i think about the fact that i have so many things waiting for me when i finish here, and after tonight, i would LOVE to be somewhere else - and SOON!

i can't explain it, but what i am going to do is ask for prayer. i am going to be going into an interview in a couple weeks, and hopefully that will help me figure out what i need to be doing about this ministry position that I am currently in. i hope that something good comes of this because i don't know how much more of this i can take. i have to reach so far outside of who i am to be who i need to be for these women, and i love them with all that i am, but it isn't enough for them, and it is slowly breaking me. i didn't realize it until my coworker and i got to talking tonight, but it is there, and i NEED to find something different so that i don't break - i need to not leave here as a broken shell of a person. i need to be able to have the strength to know that i came here and i did God's work - i don't care about my own name being remembered in this place or in the lives of these women - all i care about is that in some way, i have been able to guide them towards Christ. that is what matters.

Invisible Love

2009-12-20T19:47:00.000-05:00

if my arms could reach around You
i would never move
if my eyes could see You
i'd have no faith left to prove
the wonder of invisible love

this is how it has to be
with You and me
the wonder of invisible love

when i fall i feel Your arms
before i reach the ground
Lord, i know Your whisper
though i've never heard the sound
the wonder of invisible love

this is how it has to be
with You and me
the wonder of invisible love

some day there will be no time to mind
i will be Your long awaited bride
we will dance away the night

this is how it has to be
with You and me
the wonder of invisible love

this song has been playing constantly on my computer or my ipod this week - seriously, and amazing song - sometimes i sit and wonder how i would feel if i could wrap my arms around God. how would i be if i could see Him? where would faith be if He was someone i could touch and see. i know that i can feel Him, but what if i could feel him with my fingers?

there are times when i wonder about this because sometimes i struggle with comprehending that God is there. i know, i know. i am someone in full-time ministry, and i am supposed to be sharing His love with the women i work with - how can i have these thoughts? well, because i'm human. i doubt, just like any other human does, that God exists. then i remember all of the things that i have come through and i see where i would be if it hadn't been for God pursuing my heart at such a young age.

i am currently working in a place where i face daily the person i would be if i had not met God at the age of 8. i see what the absence of a father can lead to, and i counsel women on how they can allow God to fill that hole in their lives. it is amazing to see that because i can now see the evidence of God in my life.

how many days do i walk around thinking that i have it pretty together? and yet, it is only by the grace and love of God. that invisible love that i have with the King of the universe. sometimes i wonder about the fact that He chooses to love me.

broken

2009-10-26T02:40:00.000-04:00

these lyrics have been on my heart for days, and i just have to get this out:

and i will live to carry Your compassion
to love a world that's broken
to be Your hands and feet
and i will give with the life that i've been given
and go beyond religion
to see the world be changed
by the power of Your Name

another set of lyrics on my heart are:

Your Name is Jesus, Your Name is Jesus
You're the Wonderful Counselor, my friend
You're what i hold on to
i know that You brought me through
all the days of loss to the cross
you knew i'd need a Savior

definition - broken: fragmented, ruptured, torn, fractured, weakened in strength or spirit.

currently, i am working in a ministry with broken women. women who have come to the end of their ropes, and they are in my care as their last resort for gaining a successful life. when you think of a broken person, especially as a christian, you think of someone who is broken by conviction by the Lord, but these women are not broken that way. many of them are facing divorce, many of them are unable to see their children because of what they have done. many of them have disorders and diseases that are brought on by their addiction. addiction is all they have known. disorder is all they have known. they have had so much trauma in their lives that you can't imagine what they have been through. they live moment to moment and everything they want is something that they demand to have right as soon as they want it, and if you ask them to wait, they blow up. they come from a world where it is okay to prostitute yourself in order to get your next hit of your drug of choice. some come straight from the streets, others come from prison, and a very few come from suburban homes to our facility. anxiety disorders are commonplace. depression runs rampant through them. they know that they are going to lose EVERYTHING if this program does not work for them.

the first 40 days are the hardest. those are the days in which we are learning about who they are and where they have come from. we are learning about all of the things that they want to keep secret. no matter how well they think that they have hidden the secret, it does get found out. God is all over this place, and He is ardently pursuing their hearts. the devil SO wants to keep them in their despair. he attacks them through PTSD flashbacks, through family problems, through arguments, through the desire to hide their issues and their problems from everyone they come into contact with.

many people look at these women and see the lowest form of human there is. people look and wonder what on earth could have drug them to the addiction that they suffer from. many people believe that there is merely a choice that leads people to an addiction, and they do not understand the full extent of mental illness. many people see the mental illness and believe that this was brought upon themselves because of their addiction.

the thought that addiction is merely a choice is a very narrow-minded thought. mental illness is not brought on by addiction, but rather, addiction is a way of medicating a mental illness.

all these women have ever known is chaos and addiction. they come from families where generations upon generations have suffered from addiction. they come from families who have defiled them in unimaginable ways. they do not know any other way of life, and they come into the care of this facility and program to try and learn a new way of life.

only about one in ten makes it through the program. only one in ten learns this new way of life well enough to thrive outside these walls. what the others learn is that they have a choice, but sadly, many of them choose to return to what they have known for their whole lives instead of choosing the better life in God.

to be someone who can help these women see the love that God has for them is amazing. my shift today consisted of cleaning. that's all i did. the women all have chores throughout the facility, and they have not been doing well at keeping them up, so, my coworker and i decided to show them one of the ultimate ways to serve - we cleaned for them, and we are getting none of the credit. we were on our hands and knees for eight hours scrubbing and organizing and disinfecting everything in the facility. the women saw and asked what they could do to help, and we told them to go on with their day. they asked why we were doing this, and we said that it was to serve.

i work in a job where i can freely talk about the Lord, but if i am not living out the things that He commands, and if i am not living out the things that i am saying, i am worth nothing. we are teaching these women to love one another, and i am learning daily what it means to be love. some verses that are always on my heart are these: "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but them face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

what sticks out to me the most right now in these verses is the part in which it says, "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." for these women, i have to bear their burdens. i have to bear all of the things in life that bring them anxiety. i have to believe for them that healing and restoration are possible. i have to believe for them that they are more than their addictions have led them to be. i have to believe for them that a successful life is possible. i have to believe for them that God loves them and desires a relationship with them. i have to hope with them that redemption is possible. i have to hope with them that change is probable. i have to hope with them that forgiveness is available for them. i have to hope with them that they can be successful. i have to endure with them the stressful times of just wanting to go out and give in to the addiction. i have to endure the blowups when someone touches on a subject that hits a little too close to home. i have to endure the trauma flashbacks with them. i have to endure for them.

i was talking with my coworker today, and we mentioned the fruit of the Spirit. we were realizing that we daily have to be living out those things as well, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit." we need to be daily surrendering our lives to God, otherwise we will not make it through life here. we need to be living out the fruit of the Spirit. i already talked about living out love, but we also have to be joyful in serving. we need to maintain peace for them. we need to be patient when they are being unreasonable. we need to be kind when they are demanding. we need to be good so that they can see God in us. we need to be faithful to them and to God because no one has ever been faithful to them in their lives. we need to treat them gently because a harsh word stirs up much trauma. we need to be self-controlled to model to them what self-control means. we need to be self-controlled because if we do not control ourselves, we are reminding them of their lives before coming to this place. we need to maintain our self-control in the face of their outbursts because if we let our flesh take over, we will not be able to bear with them and allow them to calm down and regain a more rational mindset.

one Bible passage that i have to constantly have in my mind is this, "They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, 'Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?' This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, 'Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.' And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' She said, 'No one, Lord.' And Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and from no on, sin no more.'" if Jesus hung out with the sinners, why do we as christians surround ourselves with christians? why are not more christians reaching out to the people that the world sees as the lowest form of person? what are most christians doing about this? they are saying that someone else will take care of these people. yes, someone else will come along, but that is only because God does not need me to accomplish this, but how much better is it that i am walking in His will. God loves the outcasts, so why do those who claim to love God keep away from the outcasts.

there are many in the world who will look at what i am doing and think that it is great, but at the same time, not really understand. there are many christians who will look at what i am doing and wonder how i can surround myself daily with people who have lived in so much sin in their lives.

we are in a battle. we are battling for souls. the battle is not one in the physical world, but at the same time, it is so relevant in the physical world. i have seen wounded women oppressed by demonic spirits. i have seen wounded women become more wounded by the church. i have seen wounded women come to the Lord and pray for the healing that only He can bring. i have hugged and loved wounded women. i have seen wounded women cry out to the Lord to be delivered, and i have seen Him answer, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." i have seen wounded women receive healing through the power and the grace of Jesus Christ. what does it matter that they come from a sinful life? i came from a sinful life. no, i did not use drugs. no, i did not drink. no, i did not prostitute myself. all sin is the same in the eyes of the Lord. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." i fall short of His glory just as much as they do. if i can be healed from my past and made into a new person in the Lord, then so can they.

these women that i work with are all amazing women. in the words of my wonderful coworker, "i can sometimes see who she could have been if she had not suffered the trauma that led to her addiction, and it is up to me to show her."

it is up to me to show her what life can be outside of addiction, and i must be full of love - if i am full of love, the other things will follow, but love is the first thing that i must put on in the morning. my job description is as simple as this, "to love, serve, and build relationships with broken women."

God's love is never dividing

2009-09-05T22:48:00.000-04:00

so, i was just looking through some old posts on here, and i found lyrics to a song that i still love - when i was reading the words to this song, something was brought to mind about a situation going on at my work. it is really hard to explain on here without breaking confidentiality laws, so i won't get into it, but the fact that things that Christians say will make divisions in the body of Christ. it is absolutely insane that we, as Christians, can say or do something that can so damage another human being so as to break them. it is completely crazy to me that some people think that's okay.

another song comes to mind as well - it is about asking God to give us His mind and His heart so that the world can see Him in us. i think that it is absolutely amazing to be able to pray that because of where i am working. i am working with a lot of recovering addicts and people who are trying to work through trauma in their lives. i think that it is completely necessary for us, as Christians in this kind of environment, to ask that God be revealed through us to the people that we are interacting with. not that it isn't important in other types of work as well, but in this type of work, people are literally at the end of their ropes and ready to give up on life, and part of my job is to bring hope into the lives of these women. how am i able to do that if i am saying or doing things that are going to break them down? how am i going to be able to reach these women if they do not see God in me? how?

the answer is, they aren't going to see God in me, and i'm not going to be able to reach them if i'm trying to do this in my own strength. i have to be completely relying on God to bring these women to Himself, but i have to also allow Him to work through me and my life and my actions in order for Him to reach them.

just a little something on my mind recently.

Cannot hold it in...

2009-08-12T00:14:00.000-04:00

Has something so spectacular that you immediately started calling everyone you know just to tell them the good news ever happened to you? To be honest, it has happened to me - several times. I can think back on my life and pinpoint those moments. The first big one was when I was in high school and I got accepted to work in a leadership training program at a summer camp. Another was when I was accepted into the nursing program at Liberty University. Another was when I found out that I was going to Asia with a woman's team this past school year. The most recent was when I was offered the job that I am currently holding.

Now, those things are good things - they are things that should be shared with the people who love you.

As I was reading my Bible this morning, I came across a verse that started me thinking about these things. I'm not going to share the whole thing - just the part that got me thinking - "there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot." This is the prophet Jeremiah speaking. Just before this portion of the verse, he was saying that he could never say that he would no more speak the Word of God for this very reason. How often do we begin calling everyone we know who does not know the Lord just to share the good news of His death with them? I wouldn't ever think twice about calling everyone about getting a good job or getting accepted into seminary, but there is a part of me that would hesitate to call certain people just to share the news of God. Now, I am not in any way saying that this is right, because it isn't. I should be more willing to share Christ with someone than I am to share about someone buying me Starbucks that day.

I'm definitely feeling convicted today about this. It has been running through my mind for a good portion of the day - how can I be more eager to share the love of God with another person? How can I begin to share how grateful I am to Him that He saved me and set me apart for a specific purpose? How can I be a light to the world around me without getting embarrassed with the message I am sharing?

can't sleep

2009-06-05T03:45:00.000-04:00

i feel like God is telling me to do something, but i don't know what it is. i feel like there should be a purpose as to why i am up at this hour, but i can't figure it out. my brain won't shut off, and i don't know why. i've already been in bed for over an hour, and nothing, so i came out to the living room and have been reading my Bible and praying, and i'm more awake than i was before. i don't understand it, but i thought i would share it here.

i've started my new job, and i love it. the women here are great women who have begun to open up to me about various things in their lives. i wish i knew how to really reach each one where she is in her life, but God will have to do that through me.

i should probably get off now - i was kinda hoping for an early night tonight, but it's not looking that way anymore.

Life

2009-04-21T21:59:00.000-04:00

"I have always taken care of you." ~God

I can't believe how life has taken this turn. A week ago, I didn't know what I would be doing after graduation. I wasn't sure where in the United States I would be. Now, I have accepted a job with New Faith Family Center in Albany, NY. I am really excited about this opportunity that I have with this! I am moving right after graduation. I need to call tomorrow for more details, but I can't wait to get this all figured out. I am SUPER excited about this!

hindsight

2009-04-02T08:25:00.002-04:00

i remember as You kneeled to wash our feet that night
though i resisted You explained it had to be
as an example of how we should serve each other
but as You gently washed my feet, what did you see?
it seems like yesterday we all sat there together
and each word You said stirred fire in my soul
about how the always faithful man comes under stormy weather
but as You smiled at me then you must have known

and as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away

looking back, i can't imagine how You did it
i could not have shown such love if i had known
that this man whose feet i washed would soon deny that he had known me
still You humbly served Your servant
and now that love cuts through the bone
because i promised that i never would deny You
i said that i would rather die than curse Your name
and all along You loved me though You knew they were shallow empty words
and now each time my feet i wash, it just reminds me of my shame

'cause as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away

how could You love me?
why did You love me?

now for the first time i can finally see things clearly
You gave love and asked for nothing in return
now i pledge my life to loving others just like You loved me
and how the memories of that night You washed my feet have set me free

'cause as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away
so i could walk away

~hindsight by everybodyduck

in between the rain

2009-03-02T22:13:00.000-05:00

so, i'm leaving the country in just over 2 days. i'm nervous and excited all at the same time. it's kinda crazy. like hardcore. seriously.

here i am

2009-03-01T19:33:00.000-05:00

awake is where i stand
i feel more dead than i've ever been
my soul begins to shout
through the soundproof walls
my heart pours out
here i am
take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
my clothes are stained with love
my blood and tears, they don't seem like enough
You say that it won't hurt me as much as it hurts You
then i can't imagine the kind of pain You must be going through
my eyes held tightly closed
to give my tears nowhere to go
here i am
Lord, take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
here i am
take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
my eyes held tightly closed
to give my tears nowhere to go

~here i am by logan martin

and

2009-02-24T22:22:00.001-05:00

i'm getting baseball fever, so i decided to change the background. i seriously can't wait for baseball!

although, i will still feel a void in my life because of the lack of hockey...but life goes on.

AH!

2009-02-10T16:29:00.000-05:00

so, i just heard from a lady that i emailed about a possible job, and they're going to contact me by the end of the week! they're sending me a packet of info, and then the director is going to contact me when she gets back into the office! i can't believe that i might have something for after graduation lined up!!! i'm super excited about this!

wow...

2009-02-09T21:14:00.009-05:00

so, today has definitely been a day of emotions. first, something completely unexpected happened, and i will leave all of you blog readers in the dark about this, because i don't really know how to explain it without coming across as some sort of creeper, but it does put a new twist on some of my life experiences to date.

then, i had to put together my "story". aka my testimony, but not as you think of a testimony. i wasn't supposed to focus on the timeline of events, but rather the relationship i have with God. it was difficult to put that into words, and i typed it out and ended up scrapping my preparations right before i had to share with the group at the meeting. what i shared was my heart - how i know God the way that i know Him - what He has taught me over the past several years. it was difficult to share, and i did so at a pretty surface level, but then questions were asked of me, and i realized that i needed to go a bit deeper in what i shared. sharing with people how Christ has changed my life means sharing with them what has hurt me in the past and how that has changed and shaped my present and my future. it was really hard to share, but i knew that to really open up with this group of people was essential to my ministry, and if i can't open up to these people, how am i going to be able to open up to someone else? someone who i am ministering to? i know that one of the qualities people look for is openness, and if you can tell that someone isn't sharing everything, you aren't going to be willing to open up to them until they open up to you.

lastly, i got home from my meeting, and was still a little emotional from sharing during the meeting, and i checked my email. i had sent out an email earlier letting my prayer supporters know where i stood with finances for this trip, and there was an email from a lady who had approached me back in august to say that no matter what, she and her husband would make sure i was going on this trip, and the email from her said that they were sending a check for almost the entirety of what i need to be fully financed. whenever i think about it, i am close to tears.

God is amazing. life is so unpredictable and crazy, but God is sovereign through it all. i can't even imagine where i would be or who i would be without Him. i know that i would be so much worse off, and i also know that i wouldn't be happy. i wouldn't have the joy that i have in my life now.

my heart is so full.

all of my life

2009-02-05T20:57:00.000-05:00

in every season
You are still God
and i have a reason to sing
i have a reason to worship

such powerful words written by a woman who had just lost a child. i need to be more like this.

new beginnings...so close to the ending

2009-01-30T14:47:00.000-05:00

why is it that i seem to find people who could have been amazing friends only 3 months before we all leave this school to head out and begin doing what we believe God has called us to do for Him? i know that there is a reason that these people have come into my life, but at the same time, it seems so unfair that we aren't going to get a very long time to know each other and build friendships. i guess that's what email is for?

i know i've been writing somewhat short and shallow posts for a while, and i'm going to try and remedy that sometime soon...it's just that this is all i can seem to write down online for now...i guess there's a lot going on in my life that i am not ready to share with the online world.

now, for me, it is time to return to my paper for CHHI on the canonization of the Bible...

hard to believe

2009-01-15T22:34:00.000-05:00

it is coming upon the end of my time in lynchburg...that fact is still hard for me to believe. this place, as much as i want to leave, has become such an important part of shaping who i am today. i know that i wouldn't be the person i am now if it wasn't for this place. and, as much as i want to leave and see what God has in store for me, i am going to be a little sad to leave...

little reminders...

2009-01-07T01:13:00.000-05:00

tonight i went to Bible study at my church, and we sang a few songs at the beginning, and then spent time in prayer. it was amazing, but what caught me was one of the songs that we sang. it's one i've known for what seems like forever, but the words really hit me tonight -

better is ONE day in Your courts
better is ONE day in Your house
better is ONE day in Your courts
than THOUSANDS elsewhere

wow.

so,

2008-12-01T20:56:00.000-05:00

i think i'm going to have to go to bed soon. i've been trying to ignore a headache all day, and it doesn't seem to be going away at all. i've tried taking stuff, i've tried eating, all to no avail. i'm even wearing my glasses. stupid head. i'm off to watch some friends and maybe sleep away the ache.

faith

2008-11-23T20:32:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I was writing a paper for my class on the book of Romans, and while writing the paper, I came across this verse that I have read so many times, and never really thought about, but tonight, in the middle of writing my paper, it made me think a lot. I love when you're reading a passage that you've read so many times before, and God all of a sudden opens your eyes and you see the passage in a new light. It is amazing how God does that. Anyways, here are my thoughts:

Hebrews 11:13-16, "These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

Just a little preface, these verses come in the middle of the chapter of faith, and more specifically, these are in the middle of the verses about Abraham and Sarah.

Abraham was asked by God to leave his home and go to a country that he had never seen. God called him and asked him to go, and because Abraham believed that God had something better for him, Abraham went. He left everything that he had ever known, and went walking toward a promise of God that he had yet to see. The crazy thing is, Abraham was never fully a resident in the land that God had promised to him. He was always a foreigner, but he still believed God. He still believed that God had a plan in all of this.

As Abraham and Sarah left their home, they went forward. Not looking behind. That was the part that stuck out to me the most. Here's that verse again, "If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return." That is verse 15. This really made me think a lot about my life. There are so many things that I struggle with, but God has asked me to walk forward, looking only to Him. Sometimes I don't think that my faith is enough, because I still look back on plans I made for my own life and desire to go back to them. God has put a calling on my life, and while I know that it is the best thing, I think about how I love so much other stuff and would love to have the opportunity to see how that would play out in my life. There are so many times that I find myself staring longingly back, into my past, and for what? To return to a place that God has called me out of? To walk away from His perfect calling on my life?

If Abraham and Sarah had been looking behind them at the land and life that they had left behind, they would have found a reason to return. The NIV says, "they would have had opportunity to return."

"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." They desired something better. They desired the life that God had called them to. The life of foreigners in the land. Think of how perfectly that resembles our lives on the earth - we are foreigners because our permanent dwelling is in heaven - we are only on this earth for a short time, and we need to be looking toward the heavenly country. We need to take our eyes off of the past and direct them towards the heavenly country because otherwise we will find the opportunity to return to something that God has called us out of.

Proverbs 16:9, "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

18...that's right...18

2008-11-21T23:19:00.000-05:00

days away from going HOME! and, i just talked with my brother tonight, and he said that he was going to be coming up to the airport with my mom to pick me up! i'm pretty excited about that.

the end of the semester is upon me, and i couldn't be more excited. i'm so close to being DONE with school! i have 3 classes left that are required for my major, but i am taking 4 so that i can stay at full-time status. 1 of my classes is an independent study class, and 1 of them is going to be a DLP class...so i'll only have 2 classes that i have to go to! i'm pretty excited about that!

anyways, i should probably get going...i need to go to bed soon because i have to finish a paper tomorrow - and then i'll only have 2 presentations, 1 paper, and a commentary away from finals - and then it will be the end of the semester and i will be getting on a plane to go home. it will be glorious.

i.can't.wait.

not that far

2008-11-18T18:57:00.000-05:00

underneath the stars
just a simple man and wife
somewhere in the dark
his words cut the silent night
"take my hand, for the child
that you carry is God's own
and though it seems the road is long

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for in our arms we'll cherish him
we're not that far from bethlehem

let us celebrate
as the Christmases go by
learn to live our days
with our hearts near to the Child
ever drawn, ever close
to the only love that lasts
and though 2000 years have passed

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far
we're not that far
from bethlehem

~not that far from bethlehem: point of grace

so, in my Bible study this morning, we were talking about ways to keep Christ the focus during this holiday season, and it really struck me. how many times do we say that we're focusing on Christ and living our lives to please Him and then in reality, we're being selfish humans who don't know what it means to truly love and serve God. this is something that i want to make sure i'm focused on this Christmas. instead of focusing on what to get for people, why not completely focus on the Lord and what this day actually signifies? this season is supposed to mark when our Lord put on human skin and come down to earth in order to give His life as the perfect sacrifice for our sins. when thinking about things in this way, things seem to have a better perspective.

well

2008-11-14T13:36:00.000-05:00

life as of late has been interesting. things have been pretty busy, and i'm so close to being done with this semester. i'm so ready to go home and spend time with family. i think it is finally setting in that there is a possibility that i won't be going home for an extended period of time after this, and i want to spend time with my family. i love my family and i am really going to miss going home for summers and holidays once i am in my future career.

i have contacted monica about an internship after graduation in may, and i'm pretty excited about that...i should know by february! i'm really excited about this opportunity that she is putting together for those of us graduating from here. it's pretty amazing.

other than that, i have 25 days until i go home for Christmas!!! and only 175 days until i graduate!!! i can't wait to be done. it is going to be an amazing ride for the rest of the semester...and the rest of the year. i can't wait to see what God has planned for me.

now i'm going to go back to listening in my class.

allure

2008-11-10T21:05:00.000-05:00

Hosea 2:14 - Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her."

this semester

2008-11-08T16:31:00.000-05:00

has been...weird. i guess that would be the correct term for it. i should start at the beginning...

this semester began weird with a friend. she seemed different than she had before, and i couldn't put my finger on it, until something was said - not on purpose, but the statement made me start thinking. i then, with the help of a friend, figured out what it was that had happened with the first friend, and we figured out that she had been lying to us.

this lying has continued all semester, and it has now come to the point where i am seriously concerned for this friend of mine. she is one who used to openly admit and be proud of the fact that she couldn't lie, and now she tries to get us to believe that she can lie and hide things from us.

she told me that if i was getting married, she would weigh her options as to whether or not she would want to come. then, the next day, she told me that she almost ditched me to hang out with a boy. then, a couple days later, she actually said out loud that she always likes someone else more than she likes me, and then when i confronted her about this, she tried to deny that she had said it, except that i heard her say it. she then sent me a text message saying that she was sorry, and she was going to tell me that when we were alone, but if she can say in front of other people that she doesn't like me then she can tell me that she's sorry in front of other people. that's my thinking, so when i got the text from her, i decided to send her a message and tell her how i felt. i didn't bring up anything past because i didn't think that it was necessary to do so.

honestly, i'm tired of this. this friend seems to be frustrated every time she is around me. she doesn't like talking with me, and she doesn't like hanging out with me and every time we do hang out, she has a super short fuse and gets angry at me for nothing.

i'm not okay with friends up and deciding that they don't want to be friends with me anymore. i'm not okay with investing this much time and effort in a friendship and having the other person bail out. i lost my best friend in the last year, and it isn't okay with me. there's no way to know the pain that caused me unless you've experienced that pain yourself, and i don't make friends that easily, and i have really invested too much in this friendship to have it go to crap.

if you happen to read this, you know who you are. and, i'm ready and willing to talk to you, but you have to be the one who brings it up, and you have to be the one to tell me what you have been hiding from me, even though i know. you are in trouble, and i care about you and i want to help you with your problem, but you have to come out and tell me what it is.

32

2008-11-07T16:47:00.000-05:00

days from being back in Oregon! i'll be there for just under a month, and i just talked with my boss, and she's got a job for me when i get back! it probably won't be that exciting, but it's an office job, which is better than most people would be getting for the short period of time that they will be home then. and, i love that office. it's pretty amazing. anyways, i'm going to a hockey game tonight with some of the best girls EVER, and then it's back home (to my apartment) where i'll crash into my bed - or maybe the chair in the living room - and watch a Christmas movie because i'm in that kind of mood...eventually i need to steal Christmas music from my roommate because i left all of mine at home.

leaving you with this:

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

pretty much one of my favorite songs right now.

research

2008-10-21T23:36:00.000-04:00

okay, so i'm doing some research for a paper right now, and in my reading, i came across something that i thought i needed to share. the paper i'm researching for is about girls dealing with abandonment trauma because of their fathers being absent in their lives, and the portion of the book i'm reading is the portion about coming to grips with these feelings and allowing God to heal you. here's what it said:

Because God loves me, He is slow to lose patience with me.
Because God loves me, He takes the circumstances of my life and uses them in a constructive way
for my growth.
Because God loves me, He does not treat me as an object to be possessed and manipulated.
Because God loves me, He has no need to impress me with how great and powerful He is because He is
God. Nor does He belittle me as His child in order to show me how important He is.
Because God loves me, He is for me. He wants to see me mature and develop in His love.
Because God loves me, He does not send down His wrath on every little mistake I make of which
there are many.
Because God loves me, He does not keep score of all my sins and then beat me over the head with
them whenever He gets a chance.
Because God loves me, He is deeply grieved when I do not walk in the ways that please Him
because He sees this as evidence that I don't trust Him and love Him as I should.
Because God loves me, He rejoices when I experience His power and strength and stand up under
the pressure of life for His name's sake.
Because God loves me, He keeps working patiently with me even when I feel like giving up and
can't see why He doesn't give up with me, too.
Because God loves me, He keeps on trusting me when at times I don't even trust myself.
Because God loves me, He never says there is no hope for me, rather, He patiently works with
me, loves me, and disciplines me in such a way that it is hard for me to understand the
depth of His concern for me.
Because God loves me, He never forsakes me even though many of my friends might.

if you want the title of the book, leave a comment and i'll do my best to get it to you.

break my heart

2008-10-21T22:15:00.000-04:00

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

i see the King of Glory
coming on the clouds with fire
the whole earth shakes
the whole earth shakes

i see His love and mercy
washing over all our sin
the people sing
the people sing

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

i see a generation
rising up to take their place
with selfless faith
with selfless faith

i see a near revival
stirring as we pray and seek
we're on our knees
we're on our knees

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything i am for Your Kingdom's cause
as i go from earth in to eternity

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

2008-10-20T00:18:00.000-04:00

the more i seek You
the more i find You

the more i find You
the more i love You

i wanna sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lay back against You and breathe
feel Your heart beat

this love is so deep
it's more than i can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming

2008-10-18T23:41:00.000-04:00

my heart cannot see
when i only look at me
my soul cannot hear
when i only think of my own fears
they are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
why did i run away from You
why can't i speak Your name

i feel like i've been wandering lately. i feel like i've been looking at me. why do i continue to do this? why do i continue to focus on me instead of God? why? especially when i'm taking so many Bible and ministry classes...when i know that i am called by God to serve Him?

i'm finding myself at a loss for words...

2008-10-16T21:41:00.000-04:00

and the funny thing is, it's okay.

God has been showing me a lot about dependence upon Him right now. i can't believe how much He is continuing to teach me on a daily basis. right now, i'm studying about His love, and it never ceases to amaze me that He would love me the way that He does.

i'm studying this for an assignment for a class, and through this assignment i'm learning so much about myself. it's pretty crazy. sometimes i feel like i'm reading books that were written especially for me, but i know that they aren't.

anyways, life overall is good. i'm keeping really busy with my classes, but i like them all. i love a couple of them, but a couple of them are ones that i'm just trying to get through. anyways, i should probably go and do some homework...or go to bed early and get a lot of sleep...

2008-10-13T21:30:00.000-04:00

i never knew death could be so sweet
i never knew surrender could feel so free
i've never seen such meekness and majesty
that the blood of Jesus was bled for me

and now i'll sing freedom for all of my days
it's only by the power of the cross i'm raised
the King of Glory rescued me

how beautiful the blood flow
how merciful the love shown
the King of Glory poured out
victorious are we now

i never knew these nails would love unfold
i never knew these wounds would heal my soul
i've never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
the blood of Jesus was bled for me

and now i'll sing freedom for all of my days
it's only by the power of the cross i'm raised
the King of Glory rescued me

how beautiful the blood flow
how merciful the love shown
the King of Glory poured out
victorious are we now

everyone needs compassion
a love that's never failing
let mercy fall on me

everyone needs forgiveness
the kindness of a Savior
the Hope of nations

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

so take me as you find me
all my fears and failures
and fill my life again

i give my life to follow
everything i believe in
now i surrender (i surrender)

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

so, shine your light and let the whole world see
we're singing for the glory of the Risen King, Jesus
shine your light and let the whole world see
we're singing for the glory of the Risen King

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

2008-09-23T21:35:00.000-04:00

this week is pretty crazy. seriously. today, i spent 4.5 hours working at trbc for hours for my 403 class, and then i went to the w. min. lounge, and read until BIBL 350 where Dr. Fink called me a sinner because i didn't bring my concordance to class with me today. then, i got an email from amber asking if i would be able to help with the event thursday night at trbc, and i worked it out so i can, and on top of all of that, i was out of town this past weekend and the weekend before, and i need to make up homework, but i know that all of that will get done - it is just a matter of buckling down and doing the work. so, i'm going to get off of here and try and finish some of the work.

2008-09-04T16:06:00.000-04:00

i'm not going back, i'm moving ahead. i'm here to declare to You, "my past is over". in You, old things are made new. surrendered my life to Christ, i'm moving...moving forward.

2008-08-31T22:37:00.000-04:00

distant and broken
words left unspoken
divided yet we're the same

bitter and lonely
words that are spoken
divide us all in Your Name

together we can sing this song to You
in harmony united by the truth

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

You are the Father
Son and the Spirit
yet You are only one

together we can sing this song anew
united by Your Spirit in Your Truth

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

~written by lauren boyd

seriously, i LOVE this song - it speaks true of what is completely necessary in the church today - getting rid of the things that separate us from each other - we need to be giving ourselves away to help the people around us - we need to allow God to heal us so that we don't cause strife in the midst of the Body of Christ - we need to do everything we can to heal the broken Body of Christ - we need to help heal the hurting people around us.

2008-08-28T21:06:00.000-04:00

so, as i sit on a friend's bed and do my homework for BIBL 425, this song pops into my head, and i can't seem to get it out. so, i end up getting distracted by this song, and then realize that it must be the Lord interrupting my thoughts. this song is one that i love, but don't listen to often because of how it can convict. it kind of goes along with the homework that i've been doing about salvation and justification, and it's just a couple lines running through my head. sometimes i love the way that God speaks to me.

i sit here and question why my God loves me
though i have never done a good thing
or a righteous deed
and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor
crying over earthly things i know i can't afford
but He who died is greater than these
i should be thankful
praying on my knees, crying
Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace
o, my King of kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me

okay, so that's more of the lyrics than were going through my head, but it seemed so weird to not have the whole first portion of the song on here.

2008-08-18T21:25:00.000-04:00

so, i'm going to attempt to make sense of something that i've had rolling around in my mind for a few weeks now. i realize now that i should have written it down somewhere sooner, but things got so hectic and busy, and it got pushed to the back burner. (when i'm done with this, i might give an update on my life, but i'm thinking that this might be it for tonight.)

okay, so my pastor at home has been talking about peter and how Jesus was preparing him to be the rock of the church. it's pretty amazing how things in peter's life pan out and everything. i sometimes wonder at how Jesus was so patient with peter through all of his mistakes and everything. seriously amazing. okay, to what i'm going to try and focus on - give me a second...i have to go find the notes really quick.

okay, i'm back. i found the notes which is a good thing because my mind is seriously going in about a hundred different directions right now, and the baby in the apartment above me is crying again.

okay, enough with distractions, on to what i came here to write about today.

Looking at John 21:1-23. This is the passage in which Jesus asks peter multiple times "do you love Me?" now, i haven't always understood the implications of these verses, but when my pastor was speaking about this a couple weeks ago, it all started to make sense. looking at this passage in context, peter had already denied Jesus 3 times, and then Jesus was dead. or so peter thought. this was something that Peter hadn't been anticipating. he had thought Jesus had come to bring in His Kingdom. He was supposed to win and become king, He wasn't supposed to die. so, looking at it this way, peter had to have been discouraged. he had to have just wanted to give up. i know that every person thinks that way sometimes. i get that way sometimes. thinking that it would be so much easier to give up than to keep going. peter started this passage with the statement to a few of the other disciples, "i am going fishing." and the others said that they would go with him. when day was breaking, they had caught nothing. this had happened before, and Jesus had performed a miracle and they had believed in Him. the disciples in the boat this time had to have remembered that time when Jesus had given them an amazing catch of fish, but they were discouraged. Jesus was gone, and He hadn't brought in His Kingdom, and they thought that maybe they could just go back to fishing, because they were good at that. then, there was a man on the shore who called out to them - "children, do you have any fish?" and they said no. the man on the shore then told them to cast the net on the other side of the boat. now, as fishermen, they would have known that it didn't matter which side of the boat the net was on in order to catch fish, but they did it anyways. they ended up catching so many fish that they couldn't bring the net into the boat. it was then that john said to peter "it is the Lord!" peter was so excited that he put on his outer garment and jumped into the sea and swam to shore. he was so excited to be with the Lord. this was what he wanted - to be with the Lord. he didn't want to be a fisherman, but he had been at the point of giving up. he had been told previously of his betrayal and of his forgiveness and of how he would need to take his experience and strengthen the bretheren, but he had been ready to give it all up and go back to fishing. after the others got to shore, they had breakfast with Jesus. it was then that Jesus and peter took a little walk. Jesus started asking peter questions. when Jesus asks peter "do you love me more than these?" he was talking about the fish. asking peter if he loved the Lord more than fish, but the form of love Jesus was using was agape love. in peter's response, he used phileo love (brotherly love), pretty much telling Jesus that he had warm affection for him. then Jesus asks him again using the word for agape love again, and again, peter uses phileo love. then, when Jesus asks the third time "do you love me?", He used phileo love. peter was grieved because he had failed before. he had gotten confident and was grieving because he knew that he could never love his Lord the way that he was loved. peter was broken, honest, and genuine - afraid to ever boast again - he had failed miserably the last time he boasted and now didn't want to boast. he stood before the Lord a broken man, but he kept going after he had been challenged by Jesus. Jesus then proceeded to tell peter that even though he had failed, he would bring glory to God through his life if he followed Jesus and didn't worry about anyone else.

okay, so i know that that last paragraph is a lot of information, and kind of word vomit, but let me just put it into my own thoughts (that was all pretty much from my notes). peter failed. Jesus forgave. peter gave up. Jesus challenged. peter rose again and glorified God.

even when we fail, we can return and glorify God in our lives. isn't that amazing?

apparently

2008-08-10T03:32:00.002-04:00

i haven't written in here in a while. i've been busy. life gets busy when you're living in the real world - not like it's not busy when you're going to school full time. i'm leaving soon to go back to school, and i'm pretty excited about that. i think that this year is going to be a good year - scary, but good. i'm done with school in may, and i have absolutely no idea as to what i am going to do when i graduate, but i'm excited about being done, and i know that God will show me what He wants me to do when i finish.

i'll try to write something more later - i'm super tired, and i have to get up and make coffee for other people in the morning. hopefully i can get a nap in sometime in the afternoon!

2008-06-03T11:36:00.002-04:00

okay, so i've been studying the book of hosea recently, and i am constantly in awe of how God worked in that book. it amazes me that He would ask someone to marry a prostitute and then continually have to buy her back from other lovers. it paints an amazing picture, but at the same time, you wonder how we can keep doing this to God.

i'm gonna write a study on this eventually - when i start getting things written, i'll probably post some of it on here.

2008-05-25T22:39:00.003-04:00

so, tonight while i was sitting in church, i thought of a new Bible study series that i would love to write, and i think i'm going to start on it this summer. i want to write on hosea - about the ways that God loves us, even though we stray from Him - even though sometimes we willingly walk away. He knew all of this ahead of time, and yet, He still chooses to love us. it still amazes me.

tonight

2008-05-19T00:06:00.002-04:00

okay, so i just saw that i haven't written in here in forever, but things got busy. all of that seems so trivial right now. i'm sitting in the hospital right now - surrounded by my family. my grandpa got an inoperable brain aneurism at three in the morning, and is now in a coma. the doctors don't think that he's going to make it through the night. i have to admit, i wasn't ready to let him go. i wanted one more conversation with him. i wanted to hug him one more time. the last time i saw him was back in january. i didn't think it was the last time. i know he's ready to go. he'll be so much more comfortable there than he is here. i just wish it wasn't this soon.