Ecclesiastes 3

This is a passage I've been pondering lately due to some things going on in my life - some related to the death of my brother...some completely unrelated. I just love the way that this begins, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." How amazingly that fits my life right now. Lately, I've been battling this feeling that there is a season ending in my life. A season that I have loved for many years, and I've been having this feeling that it is ending, and I don't like it. I don't want this to end - I want things to stay the same.

But, there comes a problem with things staying the same - it does not leave room for growth in Christ. Forcing things to stay the same when God is telling you to move on only makes you miserable. Like He has said, "For everything there is a season..." it is just learning how to let a season go when it has been one that you've looked to for stability.

This summer, as most of you know, has been the worst summer of my life. I've had to endure things that I never wanted to endure, and I'm living proof that God sometimes throws a curve ball and you just have to fly with it as it takes you somewhere unknown. The ride may hurt and it might be frightening, but it will be worth it - or, at least, that's what I have to believe to stay afloat through all of this. During this time of the unknown and difficult path, I have wanted to stay connected to the comfortable things, but I'm learning now that my life is not supposed to be comfortable. I, as a Christian, am called to leave my comfort zone to serve God.

"For everything there is a season..."

I'm beginning to look forward to the next season (spiritually and literally - I'm SO ready for fall!) I do not know what the next season is going to hold, but I'm looking into a few options. Options that may take me away from the wonderfully beautiful Pacific Northwest. As much as I want to stay where it is comfortable because I like my job and I love being so close to my mom, I need to look outside my comfort zone - I need to follow God's plan. I need to be willing to let this chapter close - let this season end. Just like summer here in the PNW, the season needs to let go and give way to the next - not just keep rearing its ugly head.

"For EVERYTHING there is a season..."

Today I watched them fly away.

I know that it is the right thing. I know that it is God's plan. What I don't know is why God's plan has to hurt so much in such a short period of time. 6 weeks ago, my brother was taken home. Today, I took the greater portion of my family to the airport so they could fly to Brazil. So much of me wanted to abandon everything and go with them - student loan people can't find you there, right? :)

I know that this is God's plan and that His plan is perfect, but I can't help but wonder why it is so much all at once.

The other night I had the little girls over for a sleepover, and it was so much fun hanging out with them and talking and watching movies. Then on Sunday, I took the boys out for coffee (I know, I know, I shouldn't begin their addiction, but I don't really care). I am completely in awe of the young men that they are growing up to be. The goals that they have for the next 4 years while they are in Brazil are astounding, and they are 13 and 16. I was just blown away by them.

Tonight, most of the family remaining here in Oregon could fit into a 1998 Volkswagen Jetta. My mom and Tim weren't at the airport, and neither was Great Grandma, although, we're thinking she may not be around for much longer. We all went out for dinner and walked around Ikea - Monica had never been there. We talked and laughed - it was definitely needed after the tearful goodbyes that had happened at the airport just a short time earlier. We then took Uncle Dave home and then came home ourselves. Life this year is going to be very different...family is small. I know that it has been this way for a few years, but I was always away at school or away in New York - now I'm here and I have to face the small holidays - even though thinking about the holidays hurts more than I can express.

I know that they are all exactly where God wants them to be, but that does not stop me from wanting to be near them. I'm currently so thankful for technology - that way Brazil and Oregon can be a little closer.

5 weeks

As I sit here, in my apartment, I am reminded of my amazing brother. I am reminded of how much he loved, how much he cared, how he never would have let 5 weeks go by without some sort of conversation. I miss him more than words can express, but I know that he is in the presence of God and that I will see him again. This does not mean that I'm not sad. As I'm typing this, there are tears running down my cheeks. The emotion is never far away from the surface, and it does not take much to make my eyes overflow with tears.

5 weeks have gone by, and finally, my mom has put the story of our journey this summer into words. She sums it all up better than I ever could have here. I've always known that she was strong, but this summer, I learned that she is much stronger than I had ever imagined. I learned that I was much stronger than I ever knew. My strength is being tested, and I feel like I could crumble at any moment. My life has forever changed, and I still don't know what to do about it.

I came across the following on another blog, and thought it seemed somewhat appropriate:

MY GRIEF WISH LIST

.....I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name. 

......If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing. 

......I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances. 

......I will have emotional highs and lows, up and down. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling. 

....Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. 
I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death. 

.....I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’, but forever a ‘recovering’ from my bereavement. 

....I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief. 

.....Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of her death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful. 

.....I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal. 

....I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ‘my old self’, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.

Excuse the random post here.

Read at your own risk - this is kind of random, but it is something that has been rolling around in my head for a while, and I feel that it is time to let it out.


"Hey, Chels, you and that guy would look really cute together!"

"Hey, Chels, I have this [relative/coworker/friend/acquaintance] who is about your age. I think the two of you would REALLY hit it off. Can I give him your number so you can get coffee sometime?"

"Chels, I've noticed that you and John* are spending a lot of time together. What's going on there? Is there something that I should know about? I mean, you even spend a lot of time with the whole family!"



These are just a few of the statements that come across my path more regularly than I would like. Apparently there is something wrong with being 26, single, serving God, and content. Apparently I'm supposed to be on some hunt for the perfect guy...even though God is the One who controls that.

My roommate and I are in the same boat - we know people mean well, but for some reason, it is confusing to them that we are completely happy and content with where God has us in our lives. We are not hermits - we go out and do things. We have a unique opportunity with where we are to serve God in ways that we would not be able to if we were married. We are happy with our lives right now, and we are content knowing that this could be God's plan for our lives.

So, to you single women who are happy and content in God's plan for you, stay strong. You are not alone in this. Leave your email address in a comment and I'd be glad to talk with you about how I got to where I am - I'd be happy to offer encouragement to you with where you are in life. It is a hard road to get here - and even harder if you feel like you are alone. My roommate and I have had many conversations about how we would have a much harder time if we didn't have each other.

And, to you, married, happy, and wanting others to be the same, can you understand that we are happy? Can you understand that we are content with God's plan for our lives? Those of us who are single have more criteria for a future spouse than "single" - there is more that I want from my possible future husband. If you say that my standards are too high, I will say that God does not think so and He will bring a man into my life who fits my standards if He chooses to bring a man into my life. I know you mean well, but you are the people who make being single hard. We are so happy for you in your lives - we love rejoicing with you about what God is doing in your little families! We just want a little understanding from you about us. We are happy - we are content. Please respect that.

So, to answer your questions, "Yes, maybe our faces would look good together, but do you know anything about his character? That's what I'm more interested in."

"No, you cannot give your [relative/coworker/friend/acquaintance] my phone number. No, I do not want to meet a guy that way. God will cross our paths if we are meant to meet."

"Yes, John* and I are good friends, and yes we spend a lot of time together. No, there is nothing going on there. No, I'm not sitting around wishing that there was something going on there. Yes, I like his family. No, I'm not spending time with them because I think they are going to be the future in-laws."

*Name changed for confidentiality.


Thank you for not minding my little rant - it is just something that has been on my mind for about a year...actually longer...we're being honest in this post. I thought it would be good to get it out and maybe we can all move on with life.