Day 4: Style 31. Post a pic of your favorite outfit.

Well, this is hard right now because I'm currently not wearing my favorite outfit, and I'm also not at home to take a pic of myself in my favorite outfit. I'll try to get that up later. Hope I can do it today! If I can't, I'll get it up in the morning - I'm going in to work late because I'm going to Florida this week! I know that sounds like I'm skipping out on work since I'm going to be gone later this week, but I promise I'm not - I'm working late tomorrow and then driving up to Portland with my boss and then we leave for Florida on Tuesday morning! By the way, did I mention that I'm going to FLORIDA?!?!?!?!

Day 3: Who is someone you know who inspires beauty?

My mom. Most definitely. My mom is one of the strongest and best people I know. She was a single mom and raised my brother and I completely on her own, and while we didn't always have the most of everything, we never went without the things that we needed.

My mom is someone who just radiates beauty. She is one of the most inspiring people I've ever met - she is amazingly crafty and can make some of the most amazing things. She has an attitude of love even when she is frustrated. She managed (after 23 years of being single) to met an amazing guy and they got married in November of 2009 and I couldn't be happier for her. She of all people deserves this - she worked her whole life and gave so much of herself to raise my brother and I, and now she is finally living her life. She is exploring new passions in her life - she has taken up photography and knitting and crocheting. She makes some of the most amazing things with yarn and takes some of the most amazing pictures.

She inspires beauty - not the kind of beauty that is sought after by the world, but the kind of beauty that comes from within. I can't thank her enough for how much she taught me about how beauty is about what is on the inside and not what is on the outside.

Day 2: What is something that makes you uniquely you?

There are a lot of things that I think make me who I am. I have an intense love of coffee - enough that I've passed it along to other people. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, and yet, I feel most at home when I'm surrounded by southern accents in the disgusting heat and humidity of the South. I have a love of the outdoors, but only when I'm in the mood for it. One day, I'll wear jeans and Chaco sandals and the next day I'll wear a completely girly dress with fabulous heels (today, I'm wearing the jeans and Chacos with pearl earrings and something fancy in my hair).

I come from a culture of people who spend much time outside and hiking, but I would prefer to be curled up with a book on the couch. I love candles and the peace and calm that can be felt when in a room surrounded by candles.

But, I guess, one of the things that just makes me me, would be that I love sitting in this certain coffee shop in my town early in the morning. And, when I say early, I mean early - like before 6am. It is amazing. There are these older men who are there discussing the latest news, and there is just something about that environment that I love. If I could afford to be there every morning, I would, but more often than not I have to get my coffee fix at work. I love going to this coffee shop and listening to the quiet music and the conversation of these men while reading my Bible and just soaking in the words of my Savior. He is the greatest way to start my day, and it is made even better with a good cup of coffee.

Day 1: What does beauty mean to you?

Beauty, according to Merriam Webster is:
1. The quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit.
2. A beautiful person or thing; especially a beautiful woman.
3. A particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality.

Well, I can honestly say that if those are accurate, I definitely don't have that graceful thing down. Let's look somewhere else for a definition.

1 Peter 3:3-4, "Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

To be completely honest, beauty is something that is hard to define. If you ask most people today, they will most likely tell you about physical qualities that they believe are beautiful, but have you ever met someone who is physically very attractive and then they open their mouth? Yeah...me, too. It is kind of unfortunate that our culture spends so much effort trying to make the outside beautiful when it is really the inside that needs the work.

To me, beauty is found in so many different areas of life. I have met some amazing women in the work I used to do whom the world would look on with disgust, and yet, they were some of the most beautiful and inspiring women I have ever come in contact with. They all had this spirit of allowing God to be what shone through them, and it was amazingly beautiful.

Beauty is found in the quiet at sunset on my favorite beach - the one I go to when I need to clear my head. It is found in the middle of a crowd of college students who are loud and not caring what others think of them as they worship their Savior. It is found in a hospital room with a mother and her newborn baby. It is found in a retirement home with the great grandmother who has lived longer than she wanted to and is ready to go home to her Savior. It is found in the life of that middle schooler who finally realizes that it isn't about what people think, but rather what God thinks. It is even found in the reunion of college friends after being away from each other for too long. Beauty is fluid. It cannot be contained. It cannot be defined.

When I think about beauty, I cannot help but be reminded of this verse:
Psalm 45:10-11, "Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear: forget your people and your father's house, and the king will desire your beauty. Since he is your lord, bow to him."

Have you ever thought of that? The king will desire your beauty - what beauty? Is it going to be the beauty that I make myself every morning when I get out of bed? Probably not. I'm guessing that this is referring to something deeper than make up and hair gel. I'm thinking that this is referring to something in the heart - something that is harder to attain than the beauty that is reflected in a mirror. I know that some people work very hard to make the mirror be their friend, but, really, does the mirror tell the whole story? I know that my mirror will tell me lies about my beauty. There are days when I'm absolutely hideous, but my mirror can make me believe that I am beautiful because I have done my make up just right and FINALLY found a product that works in my hair (I have curly hair, and sometimes it is the bain of my existence...but more on that later). My heart is sometimes not resting in God - sometimes it is attempting to rest in my outward appearance or how cute my shoes are. Sometimes it is worrying over the fact that I do not make a lot of money. Sometimes it is running rampant with bitterness and anger at things from my past. Sometimes it is desiring things that I do not yet have in my life.


I guess, in short, beauty can be a number of things to different people. It is one of those things that is hard to pin down, but it is also something that when you see it, you know. To me, beauty is resting in God and finding your hope in Him. He is the only one who can make an ugly heart beautiful, and a beautiful heart is something that will shine through to your appearance and actions.

Project 31

I was just reading someone's blog that talked about this "Project 31" thing, and I thought I would give it a try.

What is Project 31? It is a collection of thoughts, ideas, and women who portray beauty in an inspired way. Project 31 is you celebrating your God-given beauty, and celebrating the beautiful women around you. The meaning behind the project is taken from this:

Proverbs 31

10 An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

Here's the challenge: for 31 days, blog each day about things that celebrate your God given beauty, and the beauty of the women around you. The list below comes from www.shebreathesdeeply.com


The List:

Day 1. What does beauty mean to you?
Day 2. What makes you uniquely you?
Day 3. Who is someone you know who inspires beauty?
Day 4. Style 31. Post a pic of your favorite outfit.
Day 5. Write a blog thanking someone who has made your heart come alive.
Day 6. Jaded beauty. Has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?
Day 7. Write a blog to encourage another beautiful woman.
Day 8. Have a beauty secret? Share, please!
Day 9. What virtues do you value in yourself?
Day 10. What is Jesus teaching you as a wife, mom, or friend? (Or just woman in general?)
Day 11. Post a recipe. Or, if you don't cook, try a new recipe and write about how it turned out (pictures please!)
Day 12. Write about what wears you out as a woman.
Day 13. Write about something you would like to change about yourself for the better.
Day 14. Style 31. Post an outfit pic!
Day 15. Write to encourage a friend. Inspire her beauty.
Day 16. Write a letter to your daughter, or a young girl in you life. Tell her what beauty means.
Day 17. Write about 3 things that make you happy.
Day 18. Describe your personality.
Day 19. Write about your favorite comfort food.
Day 20. Write about your job and why you love it or hate it.
Day 21. Write a letter to your husband to encourage him (or if you are single, your future husband.)
Day 22. What are some needs that need to be met in your community? Blog about how to extend your hand to those who need you.
Day 23. What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses?
Day 24. What is Jesus teaching you presently?
Day 25. Style 31. Post a pic of your favorite comfy clothes.
Day 26. What do you hope your grandchildren will say about you someday when you are gone?
Day 27. Write a blog to encourage someone and build their confidence!
Day 28. Write about your insecurities as a woman.
Day 29. Write about "a day in the life of me."
Day 30. Who is your role model as a woman?
Day 31. Write about your dreams and goals as a beautiful woman!

...something i'm working on...

I couldn’t believe it. I had been caught by the religious leaders and now, I was being dragged out of the house and through the streets. I was trying so hard to cover myself up, but it was no use – they were pulling me too hard and too fast to be able to do anything about it. Then, suddenly, we came to the place they were headed, and they threw me to the ground in the midst of the crowd…in front of a man.

Then, one of the men looked at this man before me and said, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?”

He didn’t say a word. He just bent down and started writing on the ground with his finger. Didn’t he know how important his answer was? My LIFE was being placed into his hands! I know that what I had done was wrong, but I wasn’t the only one involved in the sin – this was also the sin of another!

The crowd started pushing in. I could feel them all looking at me. I could barely look up from the ground, but when I did, I could see that they were all holding stones. They were waiting on the word from this man to begin stoning me! And, this man, he was just writing in the dirt! Did he not understand that this was a life or death matter? Or, did he just not care. I could hear several from the crowd being to echo what had already been said. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him – I wanted him to see how much this decision would affect me.

“What do you think?”

“Yeah, what do you think?”

Slowly, this teacher stood up. The crowd was completely captivated by him – I was completely captivated by him. There was something about his presence that was calming and reassuring.

He said, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And then he proceeded to bend over and continue writing on the ground with his finger.

What??? He had just told them to begin throwing stones! How could this man who was so calm and reassuring allow something so horrible! I wanted to run, but my feet didn’t move. I wanted to scream, but my voice stayed silent. Then I heard it. The sound was unmistakable. Someone had thrown his stone, but it missed. I turned in the direction that the noise came from, but the stone on the ground wasn’t anywhere near me. It was near the front of the crowd, and there was the leader of this group making his way out of the crowd and hanging his head. I then heard a few more thuds – as I turned to look at those, more of these men were dropping the stones out of their hands and walking away. Soon, it was just me and this teacher surrounded by stones. I was so overcome with emotion that I could barely breathe. Not one of those men threw a stone at me. I couldn’t believe it.

Then, this teacher stood up and looked at me and said, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

Voice, don’t fail me now – I need to answer this man. After what felt like forever, my voice came, “No one, Lord.”

Little did I know that his next words would change my life forever. He said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”

...and i'm finding myself...

...at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's okay...


there have been times in my life where i find myself completely at a loss for words, and recently, i've been feeling that way. there are many things that i would like to put down in words, but i can't find the words to say. some people might call this a kind of writer's block, but i haven't seen it that way. i've seen it as an amazing opportunity to take the time to focus on God and allow Him to guide me through this whole thing. i don't even mind that i haven't been able to put anything in words. i've actually enjoyed it a little bit. i've been spending much time with Him and learning a lot about His love. He has been showing me much about myself this year, and i believe that He has been bringing much healing to my life. there are things that i have been needing healing for in life, and i believe that healing is slowly coming. it isn't going to be instantaneous, but i am currently trusting that God will bring complete healing in His way and in His time.



..if my arms could reach around You..i would never move..if my eyes could see You..i'd have no faith left to prove..the wonder of invisible love..this is how it has to be..with You and me..the wonder of invisible love..when i fall i feel Your arms..before i reach the ground..Lord, i know Your whisper..though i've never heard the sound..the wonder of invisible love..this is how it has to be..with You and me..the wonder of invisible love..someday there will be no time to mind..i will be Your long awaited bride..we will dance away the night..this is how it has to be..with You and me..the wonder of invisible love..is how it has to be..with You and me..the wonder of invisible love..

I feel the need to apologize

I had the goal of writing on here a couple times a week after the new year began, but I've been slacking. This week, I've been preoccupied with some personal issues. I hope that this all clears up soon and I again have time for this. Things seem to never settle down, but I would like to make this a priority for me.

...broken...

I sit here, on my couch, watching one of my favorite shows, which normally lifts my mood, but my heart is broken. I can't decide if I'm going to cry or not. I met with a young girl today, and we had an amazing time together, but when I got down to the reason her mom first approached me about possibly meeting with her, she broke down and started tearing up. I cut the conversation short because we were close to her school and I didn't want her feeling self-conscious in front of her friends, but I can't help from going back to that moment of the afternoon. And, the thing is, I don't blame her. Not that I think I approached the conversation wrongly, but because I know how she feels. I know where she is, because that's where I was 12 years ago.

I remember standing in front of the mirror and thinking that it just wasn't fair. I remember watching all of my friends sharing clothes and again, thinking that it wasn't fair. Why? Why me? Why did I have to be the one who was built differently. I just knew that everyone who saw me saw how different I was and was judging me for it. Well, at least, those were the thoughts that were running through my mind when I stood in front of the mirror. I tried to cover it up by wearing cute clothes and putting on makeup, dying my hair and straightening it. It was painful knowing I was different and projecting my thoughts to believe that others were thinking the same things about me that I was.

Now, here I sit, 12 years later, understanding that all teen girls feel this way, even the ones who get to share clothes with each other. I just hope that I can convey that understanding to this precious, beautiful young girl. I hope that sometime soon she can look in the mirror and believe that she is the beautiful daughter of the King of kings. He loves her and created her to be exactly who she is for a reason.

One bright spot of the day, I think I made her week when I told her that I had tickets for the Revolve Tour - I'm SUPER excited about doing this with her.

new post coming soon...

so, i realized that it has been a while since i've posted...i promise i'm working on something. i just wanted to let you all know that i'm still alive.

...

it is interesting when God brings things to mind - they tend to stay put until you can really think everything all the way through and get it all figured out. it is amazing the way that a story you have heard a million times takes your breath away when looked at in a different light. i'm not ready to post what i have been working on yet, but i'll give you a taste of the story that i'm working through...


i'm reposting something that i wrote when i was working in new york. i hope that this makes sense to all of you. i hope you can figure out the story from this post:


So, I have this rock. It's in a shadow box on the wall of my bedroom. It was given to me by one of my favorite people who happens to be one of my favorite teachers from college. It is actually quite the conversation piece - people who go into my room see it almost right away, and then they give me this look like, "Why on earth do you have a rock framed and hanging on your wall?" Well, here is the story of this rock. It isn't just any rock, it is special. It hangs there to remind me.

"They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?" This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.""*

The place in which I work is full of this woman who has been brought forth with accusations. This woman who was disheveled and probably unclean. This woman who knew no other way of life until she encountered Jesus. Why, if I have sinned, should I be able to condemn this woman? This woman is loved by the God of the universe, and He desires a relationship with her.

The rock that I have is to remind me of this. To remind me that I am not without sin, and therefore, I cannot throw the stone. I have been called by God to love this woman and to show her what life can be like after having a wonderful encounter with Him.

Love: "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."**

As I love this woman, I must refer to the things that we are told love is. I am to look at the things that love does, and I am to strive to do that for her. I have to bear her burdens. I have to bear all of the things in life that bring her any form of anxiety. I have to believe for her that healing and restoration are possible. I have to believe for her that she is more than her addiction has led her to be. I have to believe for her that a successful life is possible. I have to believe for her that God loves her and desires a relationship with her. I have to hope with her that redemption is possible. I have to hope with her that change is probable. I have to hope with her that forgiveness is available for her. I have to endure with her the stressful times of just wanting to give up and return to her addiction. I have to endure for myself the anger of when someone says something that hits on a subject that is too close to home. I have to endure the flashbacks with her - the ones where she is again a child enduring the trauma that led to her addiction. I have to endure for her.

This sounds like a tall order for a rock to remind me of, but when I see that little rock on my wall every day, I am brought to my knees in prayer again, because if I walk past it and forget, I will not be strong enough to do all of these things for her. I will be unable to uphold her in her weakness, and then, I will fail her, and that is something that I cannot bear to do to this precious woman of God.

One of the things that she secretly wants to say to the world is, "To you, we are untouchable. You see me only for my behaviors, for my addictions, and to you, that is all I am. But Christ came to love me and to make me into all that He has called me to. If only you could see that, too."

I can often see who she could have been if she hadn't experienced the trauma that led to her addiction, and it is up to me to show her.


So - this was inspired by hearing a song as I am currently sitting in Starbucks getting some much needed time away from the facility I work at, and here are some of the lyrics:
From glass alabaster, she pours out the depths of her soul
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt
She is strong enough to stand in Your love
I can hear her say, "I'm weak,
And I'm poor, I'm broken, Lord, but I'm Yours
Hold me now, hold me now."
Let he without sin cast the first stone if he will
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilt
Point your finger, and laugh if you choose
To say my Beloved is borrowed and used
She is strong enough to stand in my love
I can hear her say, "I'm weak,
And I'm poor, I'm broken, Lord, but I'm Yours
Hold me now, hold me now."***

*John 7:53-8:11
**1 Corinthians 13
***Jennifer Knapp, Hold Me Now

there's a story...

...that's been on my mind recently. i'm trying to think of ways to portray this story in a new light because it is a story that so many have heard so many times. please forgive my lack of posting while i mull over this story for a while and see what it is that God is trying to teach me through this story again. i've already learned much, but it isn't going away, so that must mean that there is more. i'm excited to see where this "more" takes me.

last night, i was talking with some friends and walked away from the conversation so encouraged and refreshed. it is wonderful to have friends who have that kind of effect on you. it was the kind of conversation that makes you instantly want to pull out your bible and read and soak up more and more of the stories that God chose to write down for our benefit. amazing stuff.

it's by grace and love that i am free

this week has been a busy one for me, and i'm looking forward to this weekend - getting away with friends and spending time bringing in the new year with them. i am SO blessed to be able to have friends who seek to honor God in what they do. i sometimes don't even know how to explain how blessed i feel to have friends like these ones.

this year, i want to strive to make time with God a priority. i've realized that lately, i've been putting God on the back burner in my life, and that isn't okay. He needs to be the #1 priority in my life, above the things that seem to take up all of my time. i am going to strive to make better use of my time, and even if there are things that i need to cut out, i am going to make time for Him. i've already decided on one big cut in my life, and i'm looking to cut another thing or two from my time demands. really, the only things that i HAVE to keep in my schedule are: awana, church on sunday, work, and caring for my great grandmother. cutting other things out will make more time for me to pursue God and what He has in store for me this next year. i think that it is going to be a big one.

looking back, last year at this time, i had so many other plans for my life. it is crazy to think that so many things can change in just 12 short months. i plan on allowing God to show me what this next chapter looks like...not that i'm not going to try and make plans and make those happen, i'm just excited to see where God leads me in this time frame.

when i think about the plans i had last year, i still have some of those plans, they have just been pushed back a little bit, and that's okay with me. i know that God isn't saying no, He is just saying that right now might not be the best time for those plans, and i agree.

well, i think i'm going to sign off for today...what are your goals for the new year?

heal the wound...leave the scar

i used to wish that i could rewrite history
i used to dream that each mistake could be erased
that i could just pretend
i never knew the me back then

i used to pray that You would take this shame away
hide all the evidence of who i've been
but it's the memory of
the place You brought me from
that keeps me on my knees
and even though i'm free

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar

i have not lived a life that boasts of anything
and i don't take pride in what i bring
but i'll build an alter of
the rubble that You found me in
and every stone will sing
of what You can redeem

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar

don't let me forget
everything You've done for me
don't let me forget
the beauty in the suffering

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar
leave the scar


this is a song that i heard about a year ago, and i really liked it then because i thought that it was an amazing song for the women that i worked with.they were all wounded and in need of healing - it was something that was visible in their lives. this past month, i have come to have a new love for this song. it is something that i can relate to more than i thought i would be able to - there are wounds from my past that i hadn't realized were not healed yet until i came back to this place where i daily face my past. i had to come back to the place where almost everything had happened in order to see my wounds. i praise God daily that i did not go down the paths that i so easily could have. it is amazing what God saved me from when i didn't think that i needed saving. it is a hard concept to write about - a hard thing to admit...that i don't have it all together. for some reason, i find it hard to let the people around me see that i am not perfect...that i do not have it all together. but in reality, i should rejoice over the various scars that i have from my past. they are what shaped me into the person i am today...they are the reminders of how merciful the God i serve is. the fact that He was able to save me from turning into a monster because of those is amazing, and that should be something that i shout from the mountaintops! i think that there is this expectation in Christian circles to be perfect. God demands perfection from us, knowing that we cannot attain this without Him, but for some reason, other Christians also demand perfection from us, and that is where we fall short. it doesn't seem to matter to them that they are not perfect, just as long as we are. and, when we admit to weakness, they are standing there ready to tear us apart instead of saying, "you know, you're not alone. we all have our struggles. i'll be praying for you. let me know if there is anything that i can do to help you through this time." not to say that i am not guilty of that same thing...there have been times when i have been extremely disappointed by actions taken by those i have looked up to, and then i realized that they are human, and i was demanding perfection, and i had set myself up to be disappointed. humans are never going to meet our expectations of perfection, and i wish that above all Christians would not be standing around ready to pounce on those who admit that they have failures.

all this to say, there are times when i feel like i can't show who i have been and what God has brought me through for fear of being torn apart by those who are supposed to be the most loving. in fact, the times when i've felt no judgement at all are times when i have been spending most of my time with those who are not walking with the Lord, and i think that this is something that needs to change. i don't know how to go about changing this, but i think that it does need to change. Christians are supposed to strive to be like Christ, and He liked to be in the middle of chaos. i'll put some verses with this later as i don't have my Bible on me at the moment. this is just something that has been rolling around in my head for a while.

a slow return

i was just realizing the other day that blogging used to be such a huge part of who i am. i used to spend time each day thinking if i would blog anything and what it would be about. i used to put time and energy into this, and i am beginning to miss it. i don't know that anyone actually reads this blog, but i am planning on making a slow return to the art of blogging. i am trying to do some writing at the moment, and i think that i have some writer's block, and maybe this will help. i'll be writing about what i am learning - what God is choosing to teach me. sometimes it will be uplifting for others, and other times, i know that it will be raw. but, what i can promise you, whoever you may be, is that i will be making a return. i am just not sure what this return will look like yet. i hope you stay with me through this.

something i just don't like

is this feeling.

the feeling of missing someone.

but i don't know who that someone is.

i want to know who that someone is, but i don't know them yet.

definitely one of my least favorite things to feel.

it makes me sad.

What if...

what if God led you to a wonderful place?

what if God used that wonderful place to stretch and grow you?

what if that wonderful place provided you with an income as well as a place to live?

what if God had to bring you to this place to teach you complete reliance on Him?

what if God told you that it was time to leave before you thought that you would?



those (and many others) are the thoughts running through my head at this point. i can't explain it any other way than to say that God is really working on my heart right now. He is showing me some things about my heart and my life, and i can't ignore them. my coworker and i were talking tonight about how we think that our time here might be ending sooner than we had expected. we were talking about how we believe we have done everything we can here and that we have gained everything that we can from this place. it is hard to think of life not being here, but at the same time, that is what is bringing me through each day. i think about the fact that i have so many things waiting for me when i finish here, and after tonight, i would LOVE to be somewhere else - and SOON!

i can't explain it, but what i am going to do is ask for prayer. i am going to be going into an interview in a couple weeks, and hopefully that will help me figure out what i need to be doing about this ministry position that I am currently in. i hope that something good comes of this because i don't know how much more of this i can take. i have to reach so far outside of who i am to be who i need to be for these women, and i love them with all that i am, but it isn't enough for them, and it is slowly breaking me. i didn't realize it until my coworker and i got to talking tonight, but it is there, and i NEED to find something different so that i don't break - i need to not leave here as a broken shell of a person. i need to be able to have the strength to know that i came here and i did God's work - i don't care about my own name being remembered in this place or in the lives of these women - all i care about is that in some way, i have been able to guide them towards Christ. that is what matters.

Invisible Love

if my arms could reach around You
i would never move
if my eyes could see You
i'd have no faith left to prove
the wonder of invisible love

this is how it has to be
with You and me
the wonder of invisible love

when i fall i feel Your arms
before i reach the ground
Lord, i know Your whisper
though i've never heard the sound
the wonder of invisible love

this is how it has to be
with You and me
the wonder of invisible love

some day there will be no time to mind
i will be Your long awaited bride
we will dance away the night

this is how it has to be
with You and me
the wonder of invisible love



this song has been playing constantly on my computer or my ipod this week - seriously, and amazing song - sometimes i sit and wonder how i would feel if i could wrap my arms around God. how would i be if i could see Him? where would faith be if He was someone i could touch and see. i know that i can feel Him, but what if i could feel him with my fingers?

there are times when i wonder about this because sometimes i struggle with comprehending that God is there. i know, i know. i am someone in full-time ministry, and i am supposed to be sharing His love with the women i work with - how can i have these thoughts? well, because i'm human. i doubt, just like any other human does, that God exists. then i remember all of the things that i have come through and i see where i would be if it hadn't been for God pursuing my heart at such a young age.

i am currently working in a place where i face daily the person i would be if i had not met God at the age of 8. i see what the absence of a father can lead to, and i counsel women on how they can allow God to fill that hole in their lives. it is amazing to see that because i can now see the evidence of God in my life.

how many days do i walk around thinking that i have it pretty together? and yet, it is only by the grace and love of God. that invisible love that i have with the King of the universe. sometimes i wonder about the fact that He chooses to love me.

broken

these lyrics have been on my heart for days, and i just have to get this out:

and i will live to carry Your compassion
to love a world that's broken
to be Your hands and feet
and i will give with the life that i've been given
and go beyond religion
to see the world be changed
by the power of Your Name

another set of lyrics on my heart are:

Your Name is Jesus, Your Name is Jesus
You're the Wonderful Counselor, my friend
You're what i hold on to
i know that You brought me through
all the days of loss to the cross
you knew i'd need a Savior




definition - broken: fragmented, ruptured, torn, fractured, weakened in strength or spirit.

currently, i am working in a ministry with broken women. women who have come to the end of their ropes, and they are in my care as their last resort for gaining a successful life. when you think of a broken person, especially as a christian, you think of someone who is broken by conviction by the Lord, but these women are not broken that way. many of them are facing divorce, many of them are unable to see their children because of what they have done. many of them have disorders and diseases that are brought on by their addiction. addiction is all they have known. disorder is all they have known. they have had so much trauma in their lives that you can't imagine what they have been through. they live moment to moment and everything they want is something that they demand to have right as soon as they want it, and if you ask them to wait, they blow up. they come from a world where it is okay to prostitute yourself in order to get your next hit of your drug of choice. some come straight from the streets, others come from prison, and a very few come from suburban homes to our facility. anxiety disorders are commonplace. depression runs rampant through them. they know that they are going to lose EVERYTHING if this program does not work for them.

the first 40 days are the hardest. those are the days in which we are learning about who they are and where they have come from. we are learning about all of the things that they want to keep secret. no matter how well they think that they have hidden the secret, it does get found out. God is all over this place, and He is ardently pursuing their hearts. the devil SO wants to keep them in their despair. he attacks them through PTSD flashbacks, through family problems, through arguments, through the desire to hide their issues and their problems from everyone they come into contact with.

many people look at these women and see the lowest form of human there is. people look and wonder what on earth could have drug them to the addiction that they suffer from. many people believe that there is merely a choice that leads people to an addiction, and they do not understand the full extent of mental illness. many people see the mental illness and believe that this was brought upon themselves because of their addiction.

the thought that addiction is merely a choice is a very narrow-minded thought. mental illness is not brought on by addiction, but rather, addiction is a way of medicating a mental illness.

all these women have ever known is chaos and addiction. they come from families where generations upon generations have suffered from addiction. they come from families who have defiled them in unimaginable ways. they do not know any other way of life, and they come into the care of this facility and program to try and learn a new way of life.

only about one in ten makes it through the program. only one in ten learns this new way of life well enough to thrive outside these walls. what the others learn is that they have a choice, but sadly, many of them choose to return to what they have known for their whole lives instead of choosing the better life in God.

to be someone who can help these women see the love that God has for them is amazing. my shift today consisted of cleaning. that's all i did. the women all have chores throughout the facility, and they have not been doing well at keeping them up, so, my coworker and i decided to show them one of the ultimate ways to serve - we cleaned for them, and we are getting none of the credit. we were on our hands and knees for eight hours scrubbing and organizing and disinfecting everything in the facility. the women saw and asked what they could do to help, and we told them to go on with their day. they asked why we were doing this, and we said that it was to serve.

i work in a job where i can freely talk about the Lord, but if i am not living out the things that He commands, and if i am not living out the things that i am saying, i am worth nothing. we are teaching these women to love one another, and i am learning daily what it means to be love. some verses that are always on my heart are these: "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but them face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

what sticks out to me the most right now in these verses is the part in which it says, "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." for these women, i have to bear their burdens. i have to bear all of the things in life that bring them anxiety. i have to believe for them that healing and restoration are possible. i have to believe for them that they are more than their addictions have led them to be. i have to believe for them that a successful life is possible. i have to believe for them that God loves them and desires a relationship with them. i have to hope with them that redemption is possible. i have to hope with them that change is probable. i have to hope with them that forgiveness is available for them. i have to hope with them that they can be successful. i have to endure with them the stressful times of just wanting to go out and give in to the addiction. i have to endure the blowups when someone touches on a subject that hits a little too close to home. i have to endure the trauma flashbacks with them. i have to endure for them.

i was talking with my coworker today, and we mentioned the fruit of the Spirit. we were realizing that we daily have to be living out those things as well, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit." we need to be daily surrendering our lives to God, otherwise we will not make it through life here. we need to be living out the fruit of the Spirit. i already talked about living out love, but we also have to be joyful in serving. we need to maintain peace for them. we need to be patient when they are being unreasonable. we need to be kind when they are demanding. we need to be good so that they can see God in us. we need to be faithful to them and to God because no one has ever been faithful to them in their lives. we need to treat them gently because a harsh word stirs up much trauma. we need to be self-controlled to model to them what self-control means. we need to be self-controlled because if we do not control ourselves, we are reminding them of their lives before coming to this place. we need to maintain our self-control in the face of their outbursts because if we let our flesh take over, we will not be able to bear with them and allow them to calm down and regain a more rational mindset.

one Bible passage that i have to constantly have in my mind is this, "They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, 'Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?' This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, 'Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.' And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' She said, 'No one, Lord.' And Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and from no on, sin no more.'" if Jesus hung out with the sinners, why do we as christians surround ourselves with christians? why are not more christians reaching out to the people that the world sees as the lowest form of person? what are most christians doing about this? they are saying that someone else will take care of these people. yes, someone else will come along, but that is only because God does not need me to accomplish this, but how much better is it that i am walking in His will. God loves the outcasts, so why do those who claim to love God keep away from the outcasts.

there are many in the world who will look at what i am doing and think that it is great, but at the same time, not really understand. there are many christians who will look at what i am doing and wonder how i can surround myself daily with people who have lived in so much sin in their lives.

we are in a battle. we are battling for souls. the battle is not one in the physical world, but at the same time, it is so relevant in the physical world. i have seen wounded women oppressed by demonic spirits. i have seen wounded women become more wounded by the church. i have seen wounded women come to the Lord and pray for the healing that only He can bring. i have hugged and loved wounded women. i have seen wounded women cry out to the Lord to be delivered, and i have seen Him answer, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." i have seen wounded women receive healing through the power and the grace of Jesus Christ. what does it matter that they come from a sinful life? i came from a sinful life. no, i did not use drugs. no, i did not drink. no, i did not prostitute myself. all sin is the same in the eyes of the Lord. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." i fall short of His glory just as much as they do. if i can be healed from my past and made into a new person in the Lord, then so can they.




these women that i work with are all amazing women. in the words of my wonderful coworker, "i can sometimes see who she could have been if she had not suffered the trauma that led to her addiction, and it is up to me to show her."

it is up to me to show her what life can be outside of addiction, and i must be full of love - if i am full of love, the other things will follow, but love is the first thing that i must put on in the morning. my job description is as simple as this, "to love, serve, and build relationships with broken women."

God's love is never dividing

so, i was just looking through some old posts on here, and i found lyrics to a song that i still love - when i was reading the words to this song, something was brought to mind about a situation going on at my work. it is really hard to explain on here without breaking confidentiality laws, so i won't get into it, but the fact that things that Christians say will make divisions in the body of Christ. it is absolutely insane that we, as Christians, can say or do something that can so damage another human being so as to break them. it is completely crazy to me that some people think that's okay.

another song comes to mind as well - it is about asking God to give us His mind and His heart so that the world can see Him in us. i think that it is absolutely amazing to be able to pray that because of where i am working. i am working with a lot of recovering addicts and people who are trying to work through trauma in their lives. i think that it is completely necessary for us, as Christians in this kind of environment, to ask that God be revealed through us to the people that we are interacting with. not that it isn't important in other types of work as well, but in this type of work, people are literally at the end of their ropes and ready to give up on life, and part of my job is to bring hope into the lives of these women. how am i able to do that if i am saying or doing things that are going to break them down? how am i going to be able to reach these women if they do not see God in me? how?

the answer is, they aren't going to see God in me, and i'm not going to be able to reach them if i'm trying to do this in my own strength. i have to be completely relying on God to bring these women to Himself, but i have to also allow Him to work through me and my life and my actions in order for Him to reach them.



just a little something on my mind recently.