so, tonight while i was sitting in church, i thought of a new Bible study series that i would love to write, and i think i'm going to start on it this summer. i want to write on hosea - about the ways that God loves us, even though we stray from Him - even though sometimes we willingly walk away. He knew all of this ahead of time, and yet, He still chooses to love us. it still amazes me.

tonight

okay, so i just saw that i haven't written in here in forever, but things got busy. all of that seems so trivial right now. i'm sitting in the hospital right now - surrounded by my family. my grandpa got an inoperable brain aneurism at three in the morning, and is now in a coma. the doctors don't think that he's going to make it through the night. i have to admit, i wasn't ready to let him go. i wanted one more conversation with him. i wanted to hug him one more time. the last time i saw him was back in january. i didn't think it was the last time. i know he's ready to go. he'll be so much more comfortable there than he is here. i just wish it wasn't this soon.

pretty much how i feel sometimes...

i was so unique, now i feel skin deep
count on the makeup to cover it all
crying myself to sleep 'cause i cannot keep their attention
thought i could be strong but it's killing me
does someone hear my cry? i'm dying for new life

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside my heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love and beautiful

sometimes i wish i was someone other than me
fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing
won't You help me back to glory?

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside me heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love

You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe
You look inside my heart and i am amazed
i love to hear You say who i am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

so, i think i'm going to be making another change in my life. i'm not completely positive yet, but i think i'll know for sure when i talk to one of my teachers tomorrow. i'm pretty excited about the possibility of this. i think that's it for now.

every morning i have a chance to rise and give my all
but every afternoon i find i have only wasted time
in light of Your awe.

thinking...

i sit here and question why my God loves me. though i have never done a good thing, or a righteous deed. and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor, crying over earthly things i know i can't afford but He who died is greater than these i should be thankful, praying on my knees crying Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me.

now i never claimed to be any more than i am, any more than i seem. in fact, i bill myself so much less than i am, so much less than He sees, so may i hold out with an open hand this frail life of mine and pray that You make it stand, most Holy God, it's all i need to say that i'm thankful, i can believe in the Alpha and omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me. All Consuming Fire burn in me.





pretty much, the first phrase of the first verse of this song is how i feel at the moment. jennifer knapp never ceases to make me think about the things in my life that need changing.

maybe repetitive, but maybe not...we shall see...

okay, so i just read the last thing i posted on here and realized that it had something to do with breathing, and that is definitely what i was going to post about now. i think i'm going to anyways. as you read below, breathing is very important to me, not that it isn't important to everyone, but for me, not a day goes by when i don't think about breathing at least twice a day when i'm taking my meds.

i'm getting a cold, and since i was diagnosed with asthma, my colds always settle in my chest. it's just a way of life that i am still trying to get used to. because the cold is settling in my chest, it impairs my breathing. i guess i didn't really notice it until i tried to walk up a ton of stairs really fast. now, anyone with asthma will tell you that doing that is a bad idea even if you don't have a chest cold, but i was running late, so i tried to hurry. i'm pretty sure i ended up being later to my class than i would have if i had just slowed down a little bit. when i got to the top of the stairs, i seriously almost fainted. (this isn't something i want a few of my friends to know for a few days). i had to sit down right away and start drinking some of the ginger ale that i happened to have, and then i got extremely hot. a few minutes later, i got extremely cold, and hardcore wanted to be in a dry sauna or something just so that i would be warm.

i don't know how this all relates together, and i don't think i'm going to try and make it relate together, but that episode started making me think about the things in life that are so taken for granted. sometimes, i take for granted the fact that i am going to have another day to complete the tasks that God has given me, sometimes i take for granted that i am going to be safe, sometimes i take my friends for granted. the last one is something that i think about more often now that i am 3000 miles away from childhood friends, and back in the presence of friends i was away from for 7 months, but it is that first one that scares me. i should not think that just because i've been given a large task by God that i am going to have all the time in the world to complete it. i should try and accomplish the things that He gives me faster than i complete things for myself. now, i know that everything in my life has been given to me from God, but i am talking about more specific things - things i like to call God moments. moments where you know that the King of kings is speaking into your heart and asking you to do something for Him that shows Him how much you love Him, or shows Him that you will be obedient to Him whenever He asks.

there is something in my life that i know needs to be cut out, but for some reason, i can't seem to do it. when i was thinking about that today, i realized that i can't do it because i think that i can cut it out when i get older. who knows if i am actually going to wake up in the morning? who knows if tomorrow is a day in which i can get something accomplished or if it is a day when my life will be threatened and i will be so seriously injured that i cannot then accomplish the tasks that i have been given by the Lord.

backwards...

today, i've felt the amazingness of conviction.

to begin, i have asthma. now, you might think, "how does that convict you?" somehow, i hope to show you my connecting thoughts in the next couple paragraphs.

the air all over the world is in a constant state of change, but i don't seem to notice it as much when i'm in oregon. here, in virginia, i notice it quite a bit. most people notice when their skin feels sticky or dry, but i notice when my lungs hurt or something along those lines. today, i haven't been breathing well. i can usually tell by the way that i am sitting if i am getting enough oxygen or not, and i definitely haven't been getting enough oxygen today. when i tried to breathe better, it made me cough and have to use my inhaler. i realized how dependent i am upon my inhaler. i couldn't find it right at first and i thought i was going to have to come home and get a different one. there was a little panic in me when i couldn't find it right away which made my breathing even worse.

later this evening, a song got stuck in my head. the first couple lines say, "this is the air i breathe, this is the air i breathe, Your Holy presence living in me", and i started to think about how important breathing became in my life almost 2 years ago. now, breathing is always important, but to me, it's not something i take for granted because there are so many days when it does not come easily for me. then i started thinking about how a lot of the time, God can get pushed to the back of my mind during the day because i think i am too busy for Him. i think that i have too much to do, so i don't have the time to pray. isn't God supposed to be the most important thing in my life? and yet, when i have to search for Him in the depths of my heart, there is no panic, and yet, when i couldn't find my inhaler, there was serious panic. something seems a little bit backwards there.

i've been so convicted today that i need to be making God the top priority in my life and not allowing myself to take His presence in my life for granted.








okay, so i'm sorry if the above makes no sense to you...i've got a migraine and i should be sleeping, but i needed to get this out. i'm going to close my computer now and try and sleep off the migraine. i hope it's gone tomorrow.

i sit here today convicted. convicted of who i have become, and yet the fact of what i have a passion for in my life. convicted that i want others to be so much better than i am. convicted that i expect so much more from other people that i expect from myself. this semester is going to be interesting as i take this journey into myself as well as work on writing studies that will impact the lives of others. i know that it is a good thing, but at the same time, it's not a comforting feeling. sometimes it feels better to not completely understand the things in life, but i know that it will all be so much better when i am walking where i should be. when i am allowing God to be in the place He should be in my life. when i am in a state of total surrender to the Lord.

broken is where i need to be.

oh, life...

okay, so i kinda forgot about this thing. school is going well. i'm taking a lot of classes, and at times it's a little overwhelming, but life does go on. i'm working at subway still, but i'm looking for another job because i really hate it there. it's not fun anymore. i want to work somewhere with kids because i love kids.

i was realizing that i really need to start thinking about what i want to do after i graduate. i know of an opportunity to work for my favorite teacher and go to seminary for free, but i don't know if i want to do seminary, but at the same time i think it could be really cool. or maybe i should try to get a full-time job on campus and go for my master's degree, or maybe i should go and find a real job and start my life in the real world. i'm seriously at a loss for what to do right now.

anyways, kim is on her way to come and pick me up. i should probably get going and pack up my stuff before she gets here.

i hope life for you is going well! mine is pretty good right now, minus the stress of not knowing what to do after graduation...

back in the saddle again...

so, i'm back in l-burg, getting ready to start my 2nd to last semester of college. i'm pretty excited to see what this new semester has in store for me. i have 1 class tomorrow, and then i've got 4 on tuesday and those same 4 on thursday, and nothing on wednesday and friday. it's gonna be a good week. my birthday is on thursday, and we're gonna have a sleepover from friday to saturday which i'm pretty stinkin excited about. we're gonna play games and stay up late and have chili cheese dip.

i'm continuing to learn things about who i am and where God wants me to be. i really want to start looking at larger churches to see if there's one that has a paid women's ministries position and then do something with my actual degree on the side. that's really what i'm leaning towards right now. i just need to figure out how to start looking into finding this job that i want.

other than that, i'm looking for a new job, and i'm gonna start working at subway in a week or so if i don't get a job. when i start working kind of depends on my refund status stuff. i've still got a couple things to work out.

anyways, i'm watching friends right now with emily. i should probably get going. i'm gonna try to keep this updated a lot more this year. i haven't been so great at updating this, but then again, i'm not exactly sure who reads this, so i guess it isn't a huge deal. and, to you, my blog reader, if you are there, i hope you have a wonderful week this week.

it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas

seriously.

i guess it sometimes takes a while to hit me. i'm at home now, and i'm looking at the decorations that have been up for a couple weeks now, and i'm thinking "wow...it's finally starting to feel like Christmas to me." i'm needing to start my shopping and make sure i get all of that done before it's too late! now, in my defense, i've been super busy this year. i've been working 2 jobs and doing full-time online classes, but things are starting to wind down for me now, and i'm getting time to think about the things i've been able to do and the things i haven't, and let me tell you, the list of things i haven't gotten done is much longer than the list of things that i have gotten done. it's kind of crazy to think about.

i'm leaving here in just over 3 weeks, and i've gotten nothing ready to go yet...i'm so totally unprepared to leave, and yet, i can't wait to go. it's gonna be a great reunion with friends when i get there! well, i need to get going and finish my school work...i've just got 2 more tests and a set of essay questions to turn in, and then i'm done until next month! and, i'll be one month closer to being completely done with school! i'm super excited about that, but at the same time, i'm really scared to be done with school...it's kind of the fear of the unknown, i guess. well, now i really need to go. i hope that you, my reader, have a great day, and i'm taking the time right now to wish you a merry Christmas because i don't know when i'll be writing in here again...i'm not so great at keeping up with this thing.

the right place

this is kind of inspired by something someone close to me wrote recently. you know who you are...i think

i was talking with my mom the other night, and we were talking about my life over the past several months. i stayed at home for a semester to work and take online classes. while i was home, i learned some valuable lessons about who i am, and about my relationship with God. one thing i learned was that even when we don't deserve something, God can choose to bless us.

a little background to that: i recently changed my major, and for my new major, i have to have an internship. i was told that you need to start applying for internships at least 2 semesters before you want to be doing it. smart person i am didn't apply for any internships. for some reason, i thought that i would apply later, and i kept saying that to myself. then, all of a sudden, it was october, and i hadn't applied for an internship, and i wanted to be starting my internship in june. this was no good. through some random connections i have, i ended up with an interview on october 31, and i was pretty excited about that. then, i showed up for the interview-ish thing, and quickly got discouraged. they were looking for someone who needed an internship right away, and they didn't need anyone over the summer. great. then, the lady i was talking with got an idea and went into the other room and came back with someone else. this other person needed an intern for the summer and was super happy to be meeting with me. and, a couple short weeks later, i was handed a job description, and i have the internship starting in may.

so, as my mom and i were talking, she brought out this book that she used when talking with my brother at one point, and she showed it to me. the circumstances surrounding my decision to stay at home probably weren't the best things in the world, but i know that this is where i was supposed to be for this school term. here's an excerpt from what my mom showed me earlier tonight:

"Thank You that You have me in the place You want me just now...that even if I got here through wrong choices of indifference or even rebellion, yet You knew my mistakes and sins before I ever existed, and You worked them into Your plan to draw me to Yourself, to mold and bless me, and to bless others through me.

Thank You that I can safely commit my location and situation to You. I can 'be willing for you to shift me anywhere on life's checkerboard, or bury me anywhere in life's garden, gladly yielding myself for You to please Yourself with, anywhere and anyway You choose' (source unknown)

So I rest in the fact that You have me in this place for this day, and I praise You that You will faithfully guide me throughout life to just where You want me to be, as I seek to do Your will.

And most important of all is my place in You. How delighted I am to have You as my dwelling place where I can settle down, feel secure and be content anywhere on earth...You are my blessed home, 'where I can enter and be at rest even when all around and above is a sea of trouble' (Andrew Murray). How my soul delights to hide in the secret of Your presence...to take refuge in the shadow of Your wings, to eat at Your table, to drink my fill of the river of Your delights. How blessed I am, my King and my God, for You have chosen me, and brought me near, to live in Your presence, to behold Your delightfulness, to seek Your counsel...And to think that I will dwell in Your house forever!"


this is something i was thinking about...if i hadn't stayed at home, i wouldn't have this amazing internship opportunity in a Christian environment with people that i enjoy being around working for a cause that i believe in.

and, although i didn't understand being torn away from the friends that had come to be a part of my daily life from september through may, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. i'm seriously so excited to be heading back to that side of the country in just over a month.

right now, something is confusing me a lot. i don't know what i should do about it, and i'm hoping that it doesn't come up before i'm 3,000 miles away listening to my friends call someone their future friend-in-law...because that makes me laugh...and it doesn't make my head hurt from listening to them...thinking about what's going on right now in my life makes my head hurt a lot, and i don't like it at all. it's kind of bittersweet...

here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

who holds your heart?

so, i read a bumper sticker this weekend, and it said, "Dear heart, I met a boy today. Prepare to shatter."

now, in the world's eyes, this might be kind of funny, but it started making me think. are we, as humans, supposed to trust our hearts in the hands of other humans who can damage them? i know that when you are in a relationship and everything, you're going to trust that person with everything that you are, but just in general, i was really thinking about myself, i guess. i've completely given my heart to God to hold. He is the only One who has the right to in my opinion. He is the only One who isn't going to crush you or damage you, so the seat of your emotions should be rooted in Him, not in some boy or girl that you may have met recently.

i know that when you're married or in a deeply committed relationship things are going to be different. you can give that person the key to your heart.

i guess i've also been challenged by a hymn recently. the end of the last verse says, "here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above." and i truly believe that God should be the One who has our hearts in His more than capable hands. when you give your life over to Him, you are giving Him your everything, and i believe that something as simple as your heart should be in His hands instead of in the hands of another fallen human being. i believe that there would be a lot less heartache if we were to leave our hearts in the hands of their Creator and trust Him to care for them instead of trusting someone who is no better at life than we are.






okay, so i don't really know if that last post made sense to you as a reader, but it was a random thought that i had to get out, and i didn't really know where else to put it, so i thought here was a good place. and, in case you don't know and want to know, the name of the hymn i referenced earlier in the post is "Come, Thou Fount".

falling in love with these verses...

Christ's love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do. Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own. Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you. How? you ask. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God.


2 Corinthians 5:14-21 (The Message)

life is a bit better now than it was a few weeks ago...i think i'm starting to get a hang of this whole staying at home for a semester thing...well, i should probably get back downstairs...i'm making dinner...nachos...yum!

i'm singing this today...

break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before You. when You meet me here i am found, in all my weakness. my gifts alone can't amke a sound, that You are pleased with. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.

Holy Father uncover me. You, the truth that set me free. break my pride 'till all i see, is all of You uncovering me.

Your gaze has brought me to my knees. Lord, i am broken. my heart alone is all You see, exposed and open. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.

Holy Father uncover me. You, the truth that set me free. break my pride 'till all i see, is all of You uncovering me.

break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.




title: uncover
sung by: liberty university campus praise band

okay, not a lot has happened in the last month...i just realized that i hadn't posted on here in a month and decided to give whatever readers i have a little note to say that i'm still alive!

i'm working at the courthouse athletic club in the kids court and at the salem academy preschool and daycare (yeah...that's right...2 different jobs...but both dealing with children).

so far i like both of my jobs which is nice. i LOVE working at the courthouse, and i just started at salem academy, so i'm not quite sure how that one is gonna go. well, i'm super hungry, and i have to post something on blackboard for my english class. i hope you all have a wonderful day!