Time

I'm still alive. Apparently I'm really bad at keeping up with this blogging thing, but then again, I'm really bad at a lot of things…

I'm feeling unsatisfied with life right now. I love my job and what I get to do, but I know that it isn't what I want to do forever. I love where I'm living, but I don't want to live here forever.

I feel ready for the next step in my life, but I don't know what it is. I feel ready to be doing something different, but I don't know what it is.

I see others my age accomplishing so much right now, and I feel like I've been in the same place for so long and I'm tired of it.

It is time for me to do something to change this.

As we begin another new year...

I've been blown away once again by the teens from my church. They are open and vulnerable with their leaders. Last year, I said that you would find me with the teenagers, and I want to let you all know, that's where I will be again. If you wonder where to find me - just look for the teenagers. I am excited to help them grow and keep the resolutions they made at TLC this year. They have humbled me so much - I know that there is so much I can learn from them.

So, excuse me while I re-live my youth. I will once again be with the teens.

Depression

In the wake of the tragic death of another celebrity, I have a lot of acquaintances on social media saying that he was selfish and now has no hope. That his suicide is being glorified. From the insensitivity of the words in these posts, I can tell that they have never been there. I can tell that this isn't something that has ever been a struggle for them, so I wanted to say something here about how I feel about their posts.

Depression is not something you can know about until you have actually experienced it. You might have days where you feel down, but you will KNOW when you experience depression. It is not something that is easily changed. It is not something that you want to even admit that you are struggling with. It is something that you would like to bury deeper in yourself and hope that no one notices this blackness that is creeping over you. It is something that you wish would just go away but you don't have the strength to seek the help needed for it. It is something that you need your friends and family to rally around you and point out that things aren't right in your life. They need to advocate for you and help you get the help that you need. You don't have the strength on your own so you need your family and friends to have the strength for you.

I'm so sorry for the family of this most recent celebrity who felt the need to take his own life, but one thing that I'm glad is happening in the wake of this tragedy is that people are being made more aware of how devastating depression can be. The dark hole that is depression is having some light shed on it and hopefully more people will be reached and helped through their darkness and find the light at the end of the tunnel that seems never ending. I'm so thankful that I had friends and family who didn't allow me to retreat into myself during my hardest point in my depression. If they hadn't been there for me, I don't know where I would be today.

Please, See Me Through My Tears

You asked, "How are you doing?"…
As I told you, tears came to my eyes…you immediately began to talk again, your eyes looked away from me, your speech picked up, and all the attention you had given me went away…

How am I doing? I do better when people will listen to my response, even though I may shed a tear or two…for I so want their attention; but to be ignored because I have in me pain which is indescribable to anyone who has not been there…I hurt and feel angry. So when you look away, I am again alone with it…

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!
They're Nature's way of helping me to heal…
They relieve some of the stress of sadness.
I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brought this sadness to me…
No, you're wrong…the memory of my brother's death will always be with me, only a thought away.
It's just that my tears make my pain more visible to you…but you did not give me the pain…it's just there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless? You're not, you know.
When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you've helped me more than you can know.

You need not verbalize your support of my tears…your silence as I cry is my key…do not fear.

You're listening with your heart to "How are you doing?" helps relieve the pain, because once I allow the tears to come and go, I feel lighter. Talking to you releases things I've been wanting to say aloud, and then there's space for a touch of joy in my life.

Honest…when I tear up and cry, that doesn't mean I'll cry forever - maybe just a minute or two - then I'll wipe the tears away, and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing at something funny ten minutes later.

When I hold back my tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches and my stomach begins to knot up…because I'm trying to protect you from my tears…then we both hurt…me, because I've kept the pain inside and it's a shield against our closeness, and then you hurt because suddenly, we're distant.

Please, take my hand…and I promise not to cry forever…(it's physically impossible, you know).

When you see me through my tears…then we can be close again.

~Kelly Osmont

it's been a while...

well, i guess it is time to post something on here...

the last several months have been going pretty well. i am once again working at harry ritchies temporarily to try and pay down my debt faster. it is going fairly well so far.

i was also able to go to TLC with the youth group from my church this year as a leader. it was extremely impactful in my life as well as the lives of the teens. i don't think they know how much their leaders appreciate them, but i'm making it my mission this next year to help them understand that fact.

the theme this year at TLC was "it's time" and everything built off of that. we talked about the value of time and how once it is spent, time is never something that you can get back. it isn't like if you accidentally buy the wrong size shoes at the store and you can return them, you can't return your time if you spent it on something that didn't matter or something that you realized later wasn't the right thing to spend it on. this is something i've been thinking a lot about since we got back, and i've decided that i really want to make sure that i'm spending my time wisely. i want to make sure that i'm honoring God with my time, and i want to invest in the lives of others. i do some of that in my job, but i'm talking about the things outside what i get paid to do. i need to make sure that i'm investing in the lives of those teenagers that i spent 3 days with in the middle of nowhere. i need to make sure that they understand how much they are loved and appreciated by their leaders, even if i can't make them see that from another leader, they are going to see that from me.

so, here i am going into the beginning of another year. i don't make new years resolutions because i think they are kind of stupid...why only resolve to do something at the new year? God gave us new days all year long, and there is no reason for me to wait until a new year to make a resolution in my heart and mind.

this year, i do not resolve to do anything different than i have any other year. my goal is to love God and serve Him with everything i have, and at this point, i believe part of that is spending time with the youth at my church, so that is where you will find me. i'll be sitting with the teenagers and going to their sunday school classes and playing games with them during youth group in the evenings. i will be going to concerts with them and reading the books they are interested in. i will be watching their tv shows and movies. i will be getting down on their level and helping them realize more of who God is. i will be crying with them over resolutions they have made and struggle with. i will be on my knees day after day for these teenagers because life today is so much worse than it was when i was their age. i will not be neglecting them because they are the people God has chosen for me to serve. so, if you need to find me this year, just look for the teens. i'll probably be there. :)

when you're so sure

so, i have to say that i've been guilty of assuming i know what God's plan for me is...even getting mad when i found out that He had something different planned. this has happened so many times that recently, i decided that from the beginning i was going to pray that if it wasn't His plan, i would be okay with it.

then His plan was revealed in this situation, and you know what? i'm okay. i'm not going to die because MY plan wasn't  GOD'S plan. i'm actually really okay with whatever His plan turns out to be. i just know that right now, His plan is not for me to move to mississippi...even when i was fairly sure that i would be moving.

isn't it amazing? you can be SO sure of something and then God. He comes along and says, "no, child. that's not what i want for you right now." and it is just amazing how it can all work out when you aren't so focused on your own plan.

let's be honest

it has been a long time. i've sat down many times to write a post, and i have several unfinished ones, but that is where they will remain - unfinished.

i've reached a point recently that i can't ignore in my life. i've reached a point of not being able to run anymore. i don't know if i've mentioned it here or not, but when i left new york, i was running away from ministry. i was running away from what God had called me to do with my life. i was broken, empty, and running, so i ran home - into the loving and ever comforting arms of my family. these past three-and-a-half years have been amazing. i've grown so much...and my heart has healed. my heart took some time to be filled with God, but it has healed. i'll be honest, my heart had healed from the brokenness of new york a little over 2 years ago. i remember talking with jason about wanting to either go back to school or get back into full-time ministry. i wasn't sure which one God was leading me towards, and he was mentioning the same thing. we were excited for each other as we pursued new avenues of life. then, a couple short weeks later, jason got sick, and everything else didn't seem nearly as important as that. when he left this earth, my heart wasn't just broken, it was shattered. i didn't know how to breathe anymore, and i seriously questioned God during that time.

it took some time...many, many months...for my heart to not be questioning anymore, and it took even longer for my heart to feel whole again.

so i sit here now ready for what God has next. i sit here now ready to dive into full-time ministry again. i know that it is going to be draining, but it will be a good kind of draining.

i'm waiting to hear about a job at a church. this job would be my dream job. i would be working with junior high and high school girls. training leaders and helping them reach others. just thinking about that environment makes my heart excited. i know that God could definitely take me in another direction, but right now, i have faith that this could be the job that i didn't know i was waiting for. the job that i didn't know He was preparing me for. the job where i lean on Him as He leads me to lead others.

let's be adventurous.