Confessions

This is hard to write. Hard to admit, but I have to start somewhere, so here goes:

#1 - I stopped reading my Bible.
              I was feeling distant from God, so for some reason, not reading made sense to me. Instead, I read Harry Potter and other books. The verses I wrote about in the previous post were ones I heard in a sermon and had thought about for a while - that was a post that I had actually written out a long time ago in a journal, I just put it online for the first time last week.

#2 - I stopped praying.
              Well, I had already felt distant and stopped reading my Bible, so why not stop praying as well? At least, that's the logic that seemed so fine with me.

#3 - I've been feeling depressed.
              Shocker, right? Feeling distant from God followed by no communication with Him and I begin feeling depressed. Good job, Chels.

#4 - I tried to eat myself out of feeling depressed.
              You wanna know what doesn't work to get you out of depression? Having to wear your fat jeans on a daily basis because you can't fit into your regular jeans. Yes, that is where I am right now. Too bad my fat jeans have holes in the knees - that means I can't wear them to work, meaning I have to squeeze into my not-so-fat pants and be ridiculously uncomfortable all day at work. Enter more depression here.

#5 - I've had no accountability.
              My roommate has been house-sitting and out of town for a month and a half, so there was no one here to be accountable to - no one to watch my actions and question them. No one to ask me if I really wanted to eat that fifth brownie (no, I did not have brownies, but they sound good today so that was the example I used).

#6 - I used a lame excuse to not hang out with someone.
              I'm not usually one to pass up a hanging out opportunity, but I've used several stupid excuses recently to not see people, and when I couldn't get out of seeing people, I stayed very quiet and kind of on my own in the background.

#7 - I know better than this.
              I know better than to do any of these things. I have no excuses.




I know that I'm still grieving over the loss of my brother. Some days I miss him so much it hurts - like, literally, it hurts - there is real physical pain. But, does this grief give me the right to do these things? I don't think so. I know that I need to heal in my own way and in my own time, but I can't allow myself to fall into this pit of depression as I try to move through because then I will get stuck.

So, here I am, saying to all of you, I'm going to get out of the house (err...apartment...). I'm going to join the gym tomorrow (I know that sounds like procrastination, but it is almost 11pm and the gym isn't open right now.) I'm going to begin reading my Bible again, even though I don't feel like it. I'm going to start praying again, even though I don't feel like it. And, I'm going to make the effort to do things with my friends. I will not forget my brother. I will not forget the amazing person he was. I will allow myself to feel the pain of my loss, but I will not allow that pain to consume me. I know that it isn't going to be an easy journey, but I need to make the effort. I need to do the things that God has commanded His children to do. Commands aren't things that we get to decide if we will or won't do. These things were not suggestions. God is in control and I need to submit to His authority.

Thank you all for bearing with me through these confessions. I need to begin saying them out loud, and I thought a good starting point for telling people would be here.