so, tonight while i was sitting in church, i thought of a new Bible study series that i would love to write, and i think i'm going to start on it this summer. i want to write on hosea - about the ways that God loves us, even though we stray from Him - even though sometimes we willingly walk away. He knew all of this ahead of time, and yet, He still chooses to love us. it still amazes me.

tonight

okay, so i just saw that i haven't written in here in forever, but things got busy. all of that seems so trivial right now. i'm sitting in the hospital right now - surrounded by my family. my grandpa got an inoperable brain aneurism at three in the morning, and is now in a coma. the doctors don't think that he's going to make it through the night. i have to admit, i wasn't ready to let him go. i wanted one more conversation with him. i wanted to hug him one more time. the last time i saw him was back in january. i didn't think it was the last time. i know he's ready to go. he'll be so much more comfortable there than he is here. i just wish it wasn't this soon.

pretty much how i feel sometimes...

i was so unique, now i feel skin deep
count on the makeup to cover it all
crying myself to sleep 'cause i cannot keep their attention
thought i could be strong but it's killing me
does someone hear my cry? i'm dying for new life

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside my heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love and beautiful

sometimes i wish i was someone other than me
fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing
won't You help me back to glory?

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside me heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love

You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe
You look inside my heart and i am amazed
i love to hear You say who i am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

so, i think i'm going to be making another change in my life. i'm not completely positive yet, but i think i'll know for sure when i talk to one of my teachers tomorrow. i'm pretty excited about the possibility of this. i think that's it for now.

every morning i have a chance to rise and give my all
but every afternoon i find i have only wasted time
in light of Your awe.

thinking...

i sit here and question why my God loves me. though i have never done a good thing, or a righteous deed. and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor, crying over earthly things i know i can't afford but He who died is greater than these i should be thankful, praying on my knees crying Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me.

now i never claimed to be any more than i am, any more than i seem. in fact, i bill myself so much less than i am, so much less than He sees, so may i hold out with an open hand this frail life of mine and pray that You make it stand, most Holy God, it's all i need to say that i'm thankful, i can believe in the Alpha and omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me. All Consuming Fire burn in me.





pretty much, the first phrase of the first verse of this song is how i feel at the moment. jennifer knapp never ceases to make me think about the things in my life that need changing.

maybe repetitive, but maybe not...we shall see...

okay, so i just read the last thing i posted on here and realized that it had something to do with breathing, and that is definitely what i was going to post about now. i think i'm going to anyways. as you read below, breathing is very important to me, not that it isn't important to everyone, but for me, not a day goes by when i don't think about breathing at least twice a day when i'm taking my meds.

i'm getting a cold, and since i was diagnosed with asthma, my colds always settle in my chest. it's just a way of life that i am still trying to get used to. because the cold is settling in my chest, it impairs my breathing. i guess i didn't really notice it until i tried to walk up a ton of stairs really fast. now, anyone with asthma will tell you that doing that is a bad idea even if you don't have a chest cold, but i was running late, so i tried to hurry. i'm pretty sure i ended up being later to my class than i would have if i had just slowed down a little bit. when i got to the top of the stairs, i seriously almost fainted. (this isn't something i want a few of my friends to know for a few days). i had to sit down right away and start drinking some of the ginger ale that i happened to have, and then i got extremely hot. a few minutes later, i got extremely cold, and hardcore wanted to be in a dry sauna or something just so that i would be warm.

i don't know how this all relates together, and i don't think i'm going to try and make it relate together, but that episode started making me think about the things in life that are so taken for granted. sometimes, i take for granted the fact that i am going to have another day to complete the tasks that God has given me, sometimes i take for granted that i am going to be safe, sometimes i take my friends for granted. the last one is something that i think about more often now that i am 3000 miles away from childhood friends, and back in the presence of friends i was away from for 7 months, but it is that first one that scares me. i should not think that just because i've been given a large task by God that i am going to have all the time in the world to complete it. i should try and accomplish the things that He gives me faster than i complete things for myself. now, i know that everything in my life has been given to me from God, but i am talking about more specific things - things i like to call God moments. moments where you know that the King of kings is speaking into your heart and asking you to do something for Him that shows Him how much you love Him, or shows Him that you will be obedient to Him whenever He asks.

there is something in my life that i know needs to be cut out, but for some reason, i can't seem to do it. when i was thinking about that today, i realized that i can't do it because i think that i can cut it out when i get older. who knows if i am actually going to wake up in the morning? who knows if tomorrow is a day in which i can get something accomplished or if it is a day when my life will be threatened and i will be so seriously injured that i cannot then accomplish the tasks that i have been given by the Lord.

backwards...

today, i've felt the amazingness of conviction.

to begin, i have asthma. now, you might think, "how does that convict you?" somehow, i hope to show you my connecting thoughts in the next couple paragraphs.

the air all over the world is in a constant state of change, but i don't seem to notice it as much when i'm in oregon. here, in virginia, i notice it quite a bit. most people notice when their skin feels sticky or dry, but i notice when my lungs hurt or something along those lines. today, i haven't been breathing well. i can usually tell by the way that i am sitting if i am getting enough oxygen or not, and i definitely haven't been getting enough oxygen today. when i tried to breathe better, it made me cough and have to use my inhaler. i realized how dependent i am upon my inhaler. i couldn't find it right at first and i thought i was going to have to come home and get a different one. there was a little panic in me when i couldn't find it right away which made my breathing even worse.

later this evening, a song got stuck in my head. the first couple lines say, "this is the air i breathe, this is the air i breathe, Your Holy presence living in me", and i started to think about how important breathing became in my life almost 2 years ago. now, breathing is always important, but to me, it's not something i take for granted because there are so many days when it does not come easily for me. then i started thinking about how a lot of the time, God can get pushed to the back of my mind during the day because i think i am too busy for Him. i think that i have too much to do, so i don't have the time to pray. isn't God supposed to be the most important thing in my life? and yet, when i have to search for Him in the depths of my heart, there is no panic, and yet, when i couldn't find my inhaler, there was serious panic. something seems a little bit backwards there.

i've been so convicted today that i need to be making God the top priority in my life and not allowing myself to take His presence in my life for granted.








okay, so i'm sorry if the above makes no sense to you...i've got a migraine and i should be sleeping, but i needed to get this out. i'm going to close my computer now and try and sleep off the migraine. i hope it's gone tomorrow.

i sit here today convicted. convicted of who i have become, and yet the fact of what i have a passion for in my life. convicted that i want others to be so much better than i am. convicted that i expect so much more from other people that i expect from myself. this semester is going to be interesting as i take this journey into myself as well as work on writing studies that will impact the lives of others. i know that it is a good thing, but at the same time, it's not a comforting feeling. sometimes it feels better to not completely understand the things in life, but i know that it will all be so much better when i am walking where i should be. when i am allowing God to be in the place He should be in my life. when i am in a state of total surrender to the Lord.

broken is where i need to be.

oh, life...

okay, so i kinda forgot about this thing. school is going well. i'm taking a lot of classes, and at times it's a little overwhelming, but life does go on. i'm working at subway still, but i'm looking for another job because i really hate it there. it's not fun anymore. i want to work somewhere with kids because i love kids.

i was realizing that i really need to start thinking about what i want to do after i graduate. i know of an opportunity to work for my favorite teacher and go to seminary for free, but i don't know if i want to do seminary, but at the same time i think it could be really cool. or maybe i should try to get a full-time job on campus and go for my master's degree, or maybe i should go and find a real job and start my life in the real world. i'm seriously at a loss for what to do right now.

anyways, kim is on her way to come and pick me up. i should probably get going and pack up my stuff before she gets here.

i hope life for you is going well! mine is pretty good right now, minus the stress of not knowing what to do after graduation...

back in the saddle again...

so, i'm back in l-burg, getting ready to start my 2nd to last semester of college. i'm pretty excited to see what this new semester has in store for me. i have 1 class tomorrow, and then i've got 4 on tuesday and those same 4 on thursday, and nothing on wednesday and friday. it's gonna be a good week. my birthday is on thursday, and we're gonna have a sleepover from friday to saturday which i'm pretty stinkin excited about. we're gonna play games and stay up late and have chili cheese dip.

i'm continuing to learn things about who i am and where God wants me to be. i really want to start looking at larger churches to see if there's one that has a paid women's ministries position and then do something with my actual degree on the side. that's really what i'm leaning towards right now. i just need to figure out how to start looking into finding this job that i want.

other than that, i'm looking for a new job, and i'm gonna start working at subway in a week or so if i don't get a job. when i start working kind of depends on my refund status stuff. i've still got a couple things to work out.

anyways, i'm watching friends right now with emily. i should probably get going. i'm gonna try to keep this updated a lot more this year. i haven't been so great at updating this, but then again, i'm not exactly sure who reads this, so i guess it isn't a huge deal. and, to you, my blog reader, if you are there, i hope you have a wonderful week this week.

it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas

seriously.

i guess it sometimes takes a while to hit me. i'm at home now, and i'm looking at the decorations that have been up for a couple weeks now, and i'm thinking "wow...it's finally starting to feel like Christmas to me." i'm needing to start my shopping and make sure i get all of that done before it's too late! now, in my defense, i've been super busy this year. i've been working 2 jobs and doing full-time online classes, but things are starting to wind down for me now, and i'm getting time to think about the things i've been able to do and the things i haven't, and let me tell you, the list of things i haven't gotten done is much longer than the list of things that i have gotten done. it's kind of crazy to think about.

i'm leaving here in just over 3 weeks, and i've gotten nothing ready to go yet...i'm so totally unprepared to leave, and yet, i can't wait to go. it's gonna be a great reunion with friends when i get there! well, i need to get going and finish my school work...i've just got 2 more tests and a set of essay questions to turn in, and then i'm done until next month! and, i'll be one month closer to being completely done with school! i'm super excited about that, but at the same time, i'm really scared to be done with school...it's kind of the fear of the unknown, i guess. well, now i really need to go. i hope that you, my reader, have a great day, and i'm taking the time right now to wish you a merry Christmas because i don't know when i'll be writing in here again...i'm not so great at keeping up with this thing.

the right place

this is kind of inspired by something someone close to me wrote recently. you know who you are...i think

i was talking with my mom the other night, and we were talking about my life over the past several months. i stayed at home for a semester to work and take online classes. while i was home, i learned some valuable lessons about who i am, and about my relationship with God. one thing i learned was that even when we don't deserve something, God can choose to bless us.

a little background to that: i recently changed my major, and for my new major, i have to have an internship. i was told that you need to start applying for internships at least 2 semesters before you want to be doing it. smart person i am didn't apply for any internships. for some reason, i thought that i would apply later, and i kept saying that to myself. then, all of a sudden, it was october, and i hadn't applied for an internship, and i wanted to be starting my internship in june. this was no good. through some random connections i have, i ended up with an interview on october 31, and i was pretty excited about that. then, i showed up for the interview-ish thing, and quickly got discouraged. they were looking for someone who needed an internship right away, and they didn't need anyone over the summer. great. then, the lady i was talking with got an idea and went into the other room and came back with someone else. this other person needed an intern for the summer and was super happy to be meeting with me. and, a couple short weeks later, i was handed a job description, and i have the internship starting in may.

so, as my mom and i were talking, she brought out this book that she used when talking with my brother at one point, and she showed it to me. the circumstances surrounding my decision to stay at home probably weren't the best things in the world, but i know that this is where i was supposed to be for this school term. here's an excerpt from what my mom showed me earlier tonight:

"Thank You that You have me in the place You want me just now...that even if I got here through wrong choices of indifference or even rebellion, yet You knew my mistakes and sins before I ever existed, and You worked them into Your plan to draw me to Yourself, to mold and bless me, and to bless others through me.

Thank You that I can safely commit my location and situation to You. I can 'be willing for you to shift me anywhere on life's checkerboard, or bury me anywhere in life's garden, gladly yielding myself for You to please Yourself with, anywhere and anyway You choose' (source unknown)

So I rest in the fact that You have me in this place for this day, and I praise You that You will faithfully guide me throughout life to just where You want me to be, as I seek to do Your will.

And most important of all is my place in You. How delighted I am to have You as my dwelling place where I can settle down, feel secure and be content anywhere on earth...You are my blessed home, 'where I can enter and be at rest even when all around and above is a sea of trouble' (Andrew Murray). How my soul delights to hide in the secret of Your presence...to take refuge in the shadow of Your wings, to eat at Your table, to drink my fill of the river of Your delights. How blessed I am, my King and my God, for You have chosen me, and brought me near, to live in Your presence, to behold Your delightfulness, to seek Your counsel...And to think that I will dwell in Your house forever!"


this is something i was thinking about...if i hadn't stayed at home, i wouldn't have this amazing internship opportunity in a Christian environment with people that i enjoy being around working for a cause that i believe in.

and, although i didn't understand being torn away from the friends that had come to be a part of my daily life from september through may, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. i'm seriously so excited to be heading back to that side of the country in just over a month.

right now, something is confusing me a lot. i don't know what i should do about it, and i'm hoping that it doesn't come up before i'm 3,000 miles away listening to my friends call someone their future friend-in-law...because that makes me laugh...and it doesn't make my head hurt from listening to them...thinking about what's going on right now in my life makes my head hurt a lot, and i don't like it at all. it's kind of bittersweet...

here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

who holds your heart?

so, i read a bumper sticker this weekend, and it said, "Dear heart, I met a boy today. Prepare to shatter."

now, in the world's eyes, this might be kind of funny, but it started making me think. are we, as humans, supposed to trust our hearts in the hands of other humans who can damage them? i know that when you are in a relationship and everything, you're going to trust that person with everything that you are, but just in general, i was really thinking about myself, i guess. i've completely given my heart to God to hold. He is the only One who has the right to in my opinion. He is the only One who isn't going to crush you or damage you, so the seat of your emotions should be rooted in Him, not in some boy or girl that you may have met recently.

i know that when you're married or in a deeply committed relationship things are going to be different. you can give that person the key to your heart.

i guess i've also been challenged by a hymn recently. the end of the last verse says, "here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above." and i truly believe that God should be the One who has our hearts in His more than capable hands. when you give your life over to Him, you are giving Him your everything, and i believe that something as simple as your heart should be in His hands instead of in the hands of another fallen human being. i believe that there would be a lot less heartache if we were to leave our hearts in the hands of their Creator and trust Him to care for them instead of trusting someone who is no better at life than we are.






okay, so i don't really know if that last post made sense to you as a reader, but it was a random thought that i had to get out, and i didn't really know where else to put it, so i thought here was a good place. and, in case you don't know and want to know, the name of the hymn i referenced earlier in the post is "Come, Thou Fount".

falling in love with these verses...

Christ's love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do. Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own. Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you. How? you ask. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God.


2 Corinthians 5:14-21 (The Message)

life is a bit better now than it was a few weeks ago...i think i'm starting to get a hang of this whole staying at home for a semester thing...well, i should probably get back downstairs...i'm making dinner...nachos...yum!

i'm singing this today...

break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before You. when You meet me here i am found, in all my weakness. my gifts alone can't amke a sound, that You are pleased with. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.

Holy Father uncover me. You, the truth that set me free. break my pride 'till all i see, is all of You uncovering me.

Your gaze has brought me to my knees. Lord, i am broken. my heart alone is all You see, exposed and open. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.

Holy Father uncover me. You, the truth that set me free. break my pride 'till all i see, is all of You uncovering me.

break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.




title: uncover
sung by: liberty university campus praise band

okay, not a lot has happened in the last month...i just realized that i hadn't posted on here in a month and decided to give whatever readers i have a little note to say that i'm still alive!

i'm working at the courthouse athletic club in the kids court and at the salem academy preschool and daycare (yeah...that's right...2 different jobs...but both dealing with children).

so far i like both of my jobs which is nice. i LOVE working at the courthouse, and i just started at salem academy, so i'm not quite sure how that one is gonna go. well, i'm super hungry, and i have to post something on blackboard for my english class. i hope you all have a wonderful day!

so i didn't end up leaving. i'm home this semester to pay off some debt...and then go back in january. that's all for now...i think...

colbie caillat

amazing music
























































i'm leaving home in 2 weeks







































































































and i don't think i'm ready.

So, I just have to say that I love iTunes single of the week. This week is the song bubbly by colbie caillat, and I’m seriously falling in love with this song…so, I went to target last night and bought her cd. It’s definitely one that you’re gonna want to pick up, and right now, it’s only 7.98 at target. Here’s the lyrics to bubbly:

I’ve been awake for a while now
You’ve got me feeling like a child now
‘Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile please stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go

The rain is falling on my windowpane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile please stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go

But what am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just… mmmmmmmm

And it starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile please stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go

I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
‘Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I’m comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul and I lose all control
When you kiss my nose the feeling shows
‘Cause you make me smile, baby, just take your time now
Holding me tight

Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
Wherever, wherever, wherever you go

...

i watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the pacific and
you might think i'm losing my mind
but i will shy away from the specifics

'cause i don't want you to know where i am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest place it's ever been

this is no place to try and live my life

stop right there. that's exactly where i lost it.
see that line. well i never should have crossed it.
stop right there. well i never should have said
that it's the very moment that
i wish that i could take back

i'm sorry for the person i became
i'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
i'm ready to be sure i never become that way again
'cause who i am hates who i've been
who i am hates who i've been

i talked to absolutely no one
couldn't keep to myself enough
and the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that i'll soon blow up

i heard the reverberating footsteps
synching up to the beating of my heart
and i was positive that unless i got myself together,
i would watch me fall apart

and i can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest place it's ever been

this is no place to try and live my life

stop right there. that's exactly where i lost it.
see that line. well i never should have crossed it.
stop right there. well i never should have said
that it's the very moment that
i wish that i could take back

stop right there. that's exactly where i lost it.
see that line. well i never should have crossed it.
stop right there. well i never should have said
that it's the very moment that
i wish that i could take back

i'm sorry for the person i became
i'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
i'm ready to be sure i never become that way again
'cause who i am hates who i've been
who i am hates who i've been

who i am hates who i've been
and who i am will take the second chance you gave me
who i am hates who i've been
'cause who i've been only ever made me

so sorry for the person i became
so sorry that it took so long for me to change
i'm ready to be sure i never become that way again
'cause who i am hates who i've been
who i am hates who i've been

oh, life

it's fairly interesting right now. i'm working my 2 jobs for the summer and keeping pretty busy with them...i need to try and talk with my manager and see about getting some more hours because i definitely need more hours.

today, i went out to my car to drive to work and i saw that my rear driver side tire was seriously almost flat. joy. so, i had to go to a gas station before i left for work...which, i was already running late. so, i called around and got quotes for fixing my tires, and i ended up spending about $100 for 2 new tires...and apparantly that tire just decided to be low this morning. there wasn't anything wrong with it.

and, tomorrow, i get to go spend a lot more money on getting new axles and cv boots for my car. i'm hoping that it's only one of them that needs to be fixed and not both...because then it will be a whole heck of a lot cheaper.

anyways, i should probably get going...i need to run a couple errands before i go to amy and nathan's to get my hair cut. that's right, i'm getting a hair cut...and it's going to be fairly short because my hair is pretty damaged right now. gotta go!

i feel

stuck...and i don't know how to get out. that's all for now. i think.

life...or something like it

so, i'm in iowa right now, and i'm leaving early tomorrow morning. me and emily are driving to omaha late tonight/early tomorrow morning, and i'm gonna be getting on a plane and flying home. it's kinda weird to think about...all i really want to do right now is head back to lynchburg and go to my apartment and be home there, but i've got time at home before i can go back out there. it's gonna be amazing summer and i'm excited for it...i'm just ready to be back in my apartment in lynchburg. anyways, i should probably get going. i'll maybe write more this summer.

it's a beautiful life

well, this is a bittersweet time of the year. classes are done today and tomorrow, and then finals are starting on friday. i'm looking forward to being home for the summer, but i'm also going to be missing out on living in my apartment for the first 2 months that we have it. i have a lot to do at home, and while i have a job, i need to find another one so that i can afford to do the drive across the country and pay to fix my car and pay my mom back for what she fixed in my car. i love the fact that i'm going to be home. i can't wait to see my friends and spend time with them. this summer is going to be amazing.

i'm in class right now, and i definitely don't want to be, but i haven't done the correct presentation for the class, so i still have to present. the teacher is going through the lesson and then it is going to be my turn.

i'm excited about classes being done and getting to go home, but i'm not so excited about not seeing everyone here for the summer. i hate how things work like that.

and, i'm convinced that emily isn't getting her $50...unless something changes a lot in either me or the other person who needs to be involved for the $50 to come into play.

well, i should probably get going. i think it's about time for me to present my day at the beach for my adult center in my daycare administration class. i don't want to give this presentation, but i don't have any other presentations or assignments for the rest of the semester. all i have to do now is get ready for my finals. joy.

it never ceases to amaze me

when God meets me where i am

i think i might die

seriously. this next week-and-a-half are going to be the death of me. i don't know how much more of this "all-nighter" crap i can take before i break down...and then with people adding things onto what's required of me this week, i think i'm about to crack. my marketing group isn't that happy with me right now, and then there's all of the other things that i have to do, and i just don't know what to do about it all. it's not like i can just not show up to work...that wouldn't be okay, and then they want me to put the marketing assignment above everything else, but that just isn't going to happen...my marketing grade definitely isn't the most important grade to me. i'd rather be doing well in the classes that actually mean something to me in my future...aka my family and child development classes and my women's ministries class. okay, i need to get back to work on my project that's due in about 15 hours...i still have a lot left to do. i hope you all are having a better end to your semester than i am.
































life is good...ETERNAL LIFE IS BETTER!!!

why

do i have to be a girl? sometimes i wonder if it is really worth it...

*sigh*

i sit here on my bed wondering exactly why i am up at this moment. i would love to be asleep right now, but for some reason, i'm not. i was up under the pretense of needing to call a few people at home, and the time difference makes it so that the best time to call them is when it is super late here...and i'm okay with that, but i've called all of the people i needed to call, and yet, i haven't gone to bed. i was thinking that i would read some more for my women's ministries class, but i'm not reading, i'm listening to music and surfing the internet, and what for, really? it's not like this is something that is going to benefit me at all...ever, and yet, i can't really seem to get myself to go to bed right now...even though i have to be up in 5 hours to get ready for my first class. it's going to be a rough morning...

i'm looking forward to the summer. i'm going to be home, and i'm pretty excited about that. i'm also going to be starting to look at internships for next summer because i need to start doing that. i don't even know what to do for an internship...seriously...it's going to be interesting trying to find something for what i want to do.

anyways, i should probably go and actually read some for women's ministries since that form is due on thursday and i still have a lot to read for it.

hunger

lately, i've been so hungry for God's Word recently. it's not like i'm even reading through a really exciting part of the Bible right now...i mean, i'm reading through Leviticus...definitely not the most exciting book to read through...but for some reason, i haven't been able to put the book down. i feel like there's so much here that i'm done with. i'm going home to work for the summer, and then i'm coming back out here and living off campus...getting all situated in my major and getting everything i can in order to start my internship.























































i hope this hunger stays for a while...















































*sigh* i'm falling in love all over again...

blog title

Okay, so you may look at the title of this particular blog entry and think: “wow…that’s original…” well, original isn’t what I’m going for…I’m going for honesty about the title of my blog site. It says that I am learning to let go. Well, God has really been showing me that letting go of myself is what brings me closer to Him. Allowing Him to take control of my life, my plans, my future, my thoughts. I’ve been looking into internships for the summer of 2008, and it’s kind of intimidating, but I know that everything will happen the way that it is supposed to, and I know that God will show me the internship that He has for me. Waiting to see what’s actually going to happen from here is kind of exciting as it is frightening because I don’t like not knowing, but I will know in His timing. It’s going to be an interesting ride.

.come.thou.fount.

Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of God's unchanging love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Hither by Thy help I'm come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

.deeper.higher.longer.wider.

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Your love is
deeper than my view of grace
higher than this worldly place
longer than this road i travel
wider than the gap You filled

deeper than my veiw of grace
higher than this worldly place
longer than this road i travel
wider than the gap You filled

who shall separate us
who shall separate us from Your love
nothing can separate us
nothing can separate us from Your love

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

what have i become?

last night i was listening to my music on my computer, and this song came on that continues to break me. listening to the words just makes me think about my life and where i am right now. the first verse especially. it is "i come into this place burning to receive Your peace i come with my own chains from wars i fought for my own selfish gains. You're my God and my Father i've accepted Your Son but my soul feels so empty now, what have i become?"

over the past couple days that's what i've been thinking. what have i become? it's time for a self-examination. time to let God take away the things that are displeasing to Him. time to really look at my life and get rid of the things that don't need to be there. time to get transparent with the people around me.

i don't know how i got here, but i'm determined not to stay. i'm determined to leave this place in my life. i'm determined to never return to this place again. i'm making a change, and it's for the better.

that's all for now. i think. maybe i'll write more later, but i think now i'm gonna go have lunch with my roommate and a couple other friends.

.don't.let.me.go.

take my heart and help me feel
take my faith and make it real
take my eyes and help me see
all the love surrounding me

don't let me go
hold me close to where You are
don't let me go
take my heart, take all of me

take my loss and take my gain
take my trials and take my pain
take my life and let it be
all that You would have for me

don't let me go
hold me close to where You are
don't let me go
take my heart, take all of me

don't let me go
hold me close to where You are
don't let me go
take my heart, take all of me
don't let me go
take my heart, take all of me

sweet Jesus

sweet Jesus, wash over me
would come and sweep me off of my feet, please
it's been two long weeks since You've heard me speak
and i was hoping that You might like to meet me
i heard You heal the broken hearted
even those who've been discarded
oh how i need You
i need to hear You say
need to hear You say

don't worry now
don't worry how
everything just seems to all work out
would You sing me now to sleep

sweet Jesus, wash over me
would come and sweep me off of my feet, please
it's been far too long since i've sang Your song
and i was hoping that You might like to meet me
i heard You heal the broken hearted
even those who've been discarded
oh how I need You
i need to hear You say
need to hear You say

don't worry now
don't worry how
everything just seems to all work out
would You sing me now to sleep

wow

God is amazing. He continues to show me daily how wonderful life with Him is. i've been told by my advsor that i can graduate in december of 2008, which is pretty exciting. then, i think i'm going to start grad school, and try to finish that asap. i'm not sure what i'm going to do after i graduate, or where i'm going to go, but i know that that will come in time. even though things are up in the air, which i hate, i am going to just trust God and see where He leads me. i now also have to figure out where i'm going to do my internship in the summer of 2008 if i really do want to graduate in december of that year, but that will all come in time. i've got to get some stuff done here before then also. anyways, i'm leaving for work soon.

and, what about you, my blog reader, what is God showing you today?

i've decided

that migraines, while you're a student, are possibly the worst thing ever. i've had one for 2 days now, and i'm thinking that it's insane that one will hold on for this long. my eyes hurt so bad that i'm wearing my glasses, but i can't find the ones that will actually correct the problem that i'm having with my eyes right now because my dorm room is such a mess. i need to make sure to take something before i go to work tonight.

why

is letting go of the things of this world so hard, and yet, i seem to let go of the things of God so easily? i know that i can't live without God, and i don't even want to try, but the things of this world are so enticing that i just can't give them up. for instance, the other day, my roommate and i went shopping for something for her, and i ended up getting a pair of shoes. now, getting a pair of shoes isn't a bad thing, but at the same time, how many pairs of shoes do i own? do i really need to buy myself another pair of shoes? the answer to the first question, i couldn't answer...i have a lot of shoes here, and a lot that i left at home. the answer to the next question is a definite no. there is no way on this earth that i needed to buy myself a new pair of shoes, but i did, and i love them. do i ever get that way about reading my Bible? or how about going to church? does that ever become something that i am so consumed about that makes me want to do absolutely nothing else?

just something to think about.

i'm hungry for God's Word right now.

.can.you.hear.it.?.

trees of life are blooming ..Your word plants the seed..and we see it growing..Your kindness leading to repentance..we see traces of deliverance..Lord, thank You for mercy..oh, can you hear it?..it’s the song of the redeemed..the pursuit of passion for the One who set us free..oh can you hear it?..we’re crying out for more..so listen to our song..it’s turning into a holy roar..a holy roar..rivers of renewal..spirit whisper a revival..and send us rushing..lord send us rushing..oh, can you hear it?..it’s the song of the redeemed..the pursuit of passion for the One who set us free..oh can you hear it?..we’re crying out for more..so listen to our song..it’s turning into a holy roar..a holy roar..open hearts with hopes of unity..we’re servants to love in lost humanity..Lord send us reaching..and we come rejoicing and singing and crying out to You Lord..can You hear the holy roar..as we respond to Who You are and all that You have done..Lord with our lives, with all that we are..we return to You, Oh God..You are holy God..we lay down our lives, our songs, these tears, Lord..can You hear the holy roar? these cries, these prayers..can You hear the holy roar?..still hear the holy roar

.here.now.

here i am once again
i pour out my heart
for i know that You hear
every cry, You are listening
no matter what state
my heart is in
You are faithful to answer
with words that are true
and a hope that is real
as i feel Your touch
You bring a freedom
to all that's within
in the safety of this place
i'm longing to
pour out my heart
to say that i love You
pour out my heart
to say that i need You
pour out my heart
to say that i'm thankful
pour out my heart
to say that You're wonderful

here i am
humbled by Your majesty
covered by Your grace so free
here i stand
knowing i'm a sinful man
covered by the blood of the lamb
now i've found
the greatest love of all is mine
since You laid down Your life
the greatest sacrifice
singing Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am
empty handed but alive in Your hands
singing Majesty, Majesty
forever i am changed by Your love
in the presence of Your majesty
here i am
humbled by the love that You give
forgiven so that i can forgive
here i stand
knowing that i'm Your desire
sanctified by glory and fire
now i've found
the greatest love of all is mine
since You laid down Your life
the greatest sacrifice
singing Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am
and i'm nothing but alive in Your hands
singing Majesty, Majesty
forever i am changed by Your love
in the beauty of Your majesty

take my heart, i lay it down
at the feet of You who's crowned
take my life, i'm letting go
i lift it up to You who's throwned
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord
take my fret, take my fear
all i have i'm leaving here
be all my hopes, be all my dreams
be all my delights, be my everything
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord
it's just You and me here now
only You and me here now
it's just You and me here now
only You and me here now
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord

here i am completely amazed by the grace of God. there are no words to describe how amazing it is that He has chosen to use me. little me...it doesn't seem like i can do much for Him, but for some reason He's using me. sometimes i feel so insignificant, and then i remember that i am being used by God. all i can do is tell Him that i am here. ready to be used. ready to praise Him for all that He's done in my life. serving God is one of the most amazing things ever. i hope that everyone gets to experience this at some point in their lives.

life as i know it right now

is insane. it's like i don't have time for anything except for school work, but i refuse to give up my social life. it's insane. seriously.

other than that, i have a couple classes that are pretty easy. my women's ministries class is amazing. i can't wait to have the rest of my classes for that minor. it's going to be a lot of fun. now, i'm going to watch some more prison break because i need to see the things that i missed from the first season, and i need to see the episode that i missed from last week. anyways, i hope you are all having a great week...whoever you are.

unusual...

that's how my life has been lately. it's kind of awkward sometimes, and very, very unusual. but, whatever, life is life and there's nothing i can do about it. today in campus church, we sang several of my favorite songs. here's a summary of them...a few of them will have all of the words:

single minded
whole hearted
one thing i ask
single minded
whole hearted
one thing i ask
that i may gaze upon Your beauty oh Lord
that i may seek Your holy face
that i may know You in an intimate way
and follow after You all of my days
and all of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know You oh Jesus
to make You known
all of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know you oh Jesus
to make You known

a thousand times i've failed
still Your mercy remains
and should i stumble again
i'm caught in Your grace
everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
yeah
Your will above all else
my purpose remains
the art of losing myself
in bringing You praise
everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
yeah
in my heart and my soul
i give You control
consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
become my embrace
to love You from the inside out
everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
and the cry of my heart
is to bring You praise
from the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

all i've got
and all i am
all my dreams
and all my plans
i'm holding back
i'm holding nothing back from You
all i've got
and all i am
all my dreams
and all my plans
i'm holding back
i'm holding nothing back from You
i surrender it all
i lay it before You
for all of my days
i give You the glory
You've caused me to see
my heart is divided
so take all of my
'cause i have decided
all i've got
and all i am
all my dreams
and all my plans
i'm holding back
i'm holding nothing back from You
all i've got
and all i am
all my dreams
and all my plans
i'm holding back
i'm holding nothing back from You

hey

i really miss you...and i don't even know who you are...this is kind of rediculous...i've had this feeling for several days, and i'm ready for it to go away. not that i don't want to miss you, but it is kind of awkward since i haven't even met you yet. seriously.

today was the first day of classes, and we had a 2 hour delay. it was pretty glorious because that meant that i didn't have my 7:50 class, which is amazing. i only have that class 1 time this week. i'm pretty excited about that. tomorrow, i start my day of classes at 9:20, and i end at 4:10. i'm not too happy about the ending time, but what can you do, right? that last class is one that's required for graduation, so why not get it done and over with now? i'm also taking a women's ministry class that i'm pretty excited about. lately i've been thinking more about using my major in ministry somehow, and this should help a lot. after this semester, i'll have taken 2 women's ministry classes (not both at liberty, but who's counting that?). i think it's a good thing. little did i know that some of the classes i took during my really random semester at western would have ended up working out for my major? not me, that's for sure! i was just thinking that those classes were ones i took for fun...they ended up being fairly helpful. anyways, i should probably get going. i don't want to, but i should go to bed now because i have to get up and shower and everything in the morning. i'll probably get up before my alarm goes off because emily is getting up before me. that's okay though. maybe i'll get down to the dining hall and have something to eat because i don't get lunch until after 1:35. anyways, i'm gonna go to bed now.

i've decided

that i really don't want to start classes tomorrow. it's not gonna be fun. especially leaving my dorm when it's still going to be freezing outside. that's gonna be no fun at all. and, it's a full week of classes. i know that it's not gonna be just 3 days and then another weekend, it's actually gonna be a full week of homework assignments and studying and lectures and convo. i just don't think i'm ready for this.

...

at the foot of the cross
where grace and sufferring meet
You have shown me Your love
through the judgement You received
and You've won my heart
yes, You've won my heart
now i can

trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down
at the foot of the cross

at the foot of the cross
where i am made complete
You have given me life
through the death You bore for me
and You've won my heart
yes, You've won my heart
now i can

trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down
at the food of the cross

my friends are AMAZING!

they came over tonight for a taco dinner for my birthday, and they're freaking amazing. first, i should probably start at the beginning of my day: i got up and got ready and then went to see the movie ''freedom writers'' with sarah (she took me for my birthday) and it's pretty good. i liked it a lot. then, cristi called me and she wanted to see if we could watch "our" movie before my party thing, and i was like "sure, it's all good" so i went and picked her up and brought her back to my house where we proceeded to watch "music from another room" (don't judge if you've never seen it. it's kinda cheesy, but a good story). then, those who weren't busy came over for the dinner, and we had a good time talking and just hanging out, and then i opened the presents that they got me. amy and nathan got me shampoo and conditioner from bath and body works (warm vanilla sugar scented), and kari and michael got me body lotion and body wash and a loofa in a cool bag (white jasmine scented), and connie got me a couple pieces of wood and a target gift card. they're really amazing. i love them all. then, we had cake and talked some more and then we watched ''ocean's eleven'' and then everyone went home. now, i'm getting ready to go to bed so that i can get up in the morning and go work at the coffee stand at church (i'll actually probably end up playing with the babies and then making deliveries to our regular customers who work in different sunday school classes).

pretty much...

my mom and my brother are amazing. they got me a new phone for my birthday, and it's freaking amazing. seriously. it's the phone that i've wanted for like a year, and they're amazing. that's all i have to say for now. i love my mom and my brother!

so...

break is almost over, and i'm thinking it's kind of bittersweet. i went out to canyonview yesterday and i visited with shawn and i saw ren, melissa, sherylin, and austin. it was a good time. and tomorrow, i'm gonna head out to western and visit katrina and hopefully see melissa while i'm out there.

this saturday, i'm having a birthday/going away taco dinner with the college age kids from church. it's gonna be a good time. and then, at some point, i'm gonna go out with sarah for a little while.

i'm leaving for school in less than a week, and i'm pretty excited about that. then, there's a couple hockey games next weekend at school, and i'm pretty excited about those. i've missed hockey over the break.

well, i'm gonna get going. i'm watching friends with my mom while she's trying to figure out her new phone. i'm a little bit jealous of her for getting the new phone...it's the phone that i wanted, but i'll end up getting it at some point...probably next month or something.

haha

so, i've realized that i change my web address often enough to deter people from actually reading this because they're not going to be able to keep up with it, but i change it to what i'm feeling at the time. it's not something i do intentionally, but it is something i do. anyways, i just got some of my new stuff in the mail today, and it's pretty glorious. now, i'm just waiting for my suitcases, and i think that's all the new stuff until i get the things for my birthday! it's kind of weird to be home for a month and celebrate both birthday and christmas all in that small period of time, but i do like to be able to be home. my friends and i are going to have a birthday dinner for me a week from friday, and i'm pretty excited for it. other than that, there isn't a lot going on with me here. for some reason, i just felt like i needed to post something.

new year...new beginnings

it's amazing. the prospect of a new year. i know that this year holds so much potential, and i'm ready for whatever it throws at me. i've had some amazing experiences, aliong with some not so amazing experiences, in 2006, and now i'm ready for 2007. and now, to recap the past few days in my life, i went to TLC with my youth group as a leader. it was SO much fun to be able to spend that time with the high school girls from my church there. in case you don't know, TLC stands for "teen leadership conference". it's this conference out at wildhorse canyon (a young life camp) in antelope, oregon, and it's a place for renewal in your spiritual and resources to help you lead in your youth group. it was really cool to sit down and be real with the girls who went on the retreat. it makes me want to find a church in lynchburg that i can get involved in for while i'm at school. i didn't realize how much i missed being able to spend that kind of time with high school girls. i was also able to sit down and be real with some friends who i was catching up with on the trip. it was amazing to spend time with cristi and connie talking about anything and everything under the sun. we haven't done that in so long, and it was great to be able to share struggles and life experiences with each other over those 3 days we were living together. aaaannnndddd i got to catch up with some other friends that i haven't seen in entirely too long (john, craig, elise). the main speaker and the workshop leaders were amazing and i really learned a lot from them. also, kacey's in town until friday, and it's been great getting to spend time with him. i think that this break would have been much sadder if kacey had been in brasil for the whole time i was home. and now to today, i went to church this morning and saw some other people that i hadn't seen since i'd been home, and it was good to see them and kind of catch up with them about how life's been over the past several months. and then i went to a friend's house to play games and bring in the new year with them. anyways, to you, my blog reader, happy new year. may it be the best year of your life to date.


so this is the new year
and i don't feel any different.
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

so this is the new year
and i have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogs bleed into one

i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that could hold us back.

and i'm at a loss for words

*sigh* this time of year never ceases to amaze me. as sad as it is to have everything different this Christmas, i don't think that i would want to change it. God has my entire family where they all need to be. i was talking with my grandma today while she was in town, and she decided that she is going to buy me new luggage for my birthday! and, that may not mean a lot to you, but that's really all i wanted for my birthday. now, i don't mean to say that there aren't other things i wanted at all, but the new luggage was at the top of my list, and i also knew that if i didn't get the other stuff, it wouldn't be a big deal, but the luggage kind of is a big deal, see, one of my suitcases broke on my way home from school, so i kind of needed to replace that one. i knew that God would take care of it, and He definitely did. i'm always amazed at the ways that He choses to reveal Himself around this time of year.

now, i sit here in my room on what would normally be a quiet night, but my house is full of noise. i can hear my mom's tv as she's falling asleep to the sound of whatever's on, and i can hear my brother playing WOW (world of warcraft), and i hear kacey, justin, and daniel catching up on life downstairs and listening to music and just being loud teenage boys. it's great to hear all of these sounds. my house hasn't been this full for a long time.

i like to think that life can't get any better than this.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

so, Christmas this year was different. with the everett family being in brasil, there wasn't much to do on Christmas eve (which is our biggest day of the season). it was just different. i wish that my entire family could have been here, but i know that they are where God wants them to be, and that is better than anything else. Well, to share some of my family's Christmas traditions, yesterday started with going to church (because it was sunday), and i got to see a lot of people i haven't seen since august. it was a good time. then, we came back home for a small lunch of ham sandwiches, and then got everything ready to go to grandpa and monica's for dinner and presents, and then i took a nap. when my mom woke me up, i got the last of my stuff together and we got in the car and went to grandpa and monica's for soup and sandwiches. we then started watching charlotte's web because my grandpa got it for Christmas and he wanted to watch it. then, my mom, jason, uncle dave, and i went to the Christmas eve service at church. after that, we went back to grandpa and monica's to read the Christmas story and open presents. i had an amazing time with my family, and today, kacey got in from brasil...if only the others could have come with him...anyways, what are your Christmas traditions, my blog reader?

i love this song...a lot...

i wonder what it's like tot be loved by you
i wonder what its like to be whole
and i don't walk when there's a stone in my shoe
all i know, that in time i'll be fine

i wonder what it's like to fly so high
or to breathe under the sea
i wonder if someday i'll be good with goodbyes
but i'll be okay if you come along with me

such a long, long way to go
where i'm going i don't know
i'm jsut following the road
for a walk in the sun
for a walk in the sun

i wonder how they put a man on the moom
i wonder what it's like up there
i wonder if you'll ever sing this tune
all i know is the answer's in the air

such a long, long way to go
where i'm going i don't know
i'm just following the road
for a walk in the sun
for a walk in the sun

sitting and watching the world going by
is it true when we die we go up in the sky?
so many things that i don't understand
put my feet in the sand when i'm walking in the sun
walking in the sun

such a long, long way to go
where i'm going i don't know
i'm just following the road
for a walk in the sun
for a walk in the sun, yeah

"walk in the sun" by mcfly



anyways, just thought i'd give a little update on me. i'm home right now, and i'm super excited about it. i'll be home for about a month, and that's pretty much amazing. i'm excited about next semester because i'm starting all new classes that help me towards what i want to do with my life, and i'm excited to see what's in store for me next semester. anyways, i think that's all for now. i might write something on here before school starts again if something noteworthy happens. hope you all have a wonderful christmas season!

it's been a while...

so, it's been a while since i've posted anything on here, so i thought i would. this song is one that i like a lot for christmastime and i thought i'd share it with you.

we're looking for the King, the new Messiah
we're following the star, shining brighter
'old man, won't you help us if you can,'
he shook his head, but he pointed his hand.

there's a new kid in town,
and He's lying in a manger down the road.
there's a new kid in town,
but He's just another baby i suppose,
heaven knows,
there's a new kid in town,
here in bethlehem

i see you've traveled far, bearing treasures
you say these gifts are for the new King's pleasures
i've heard that a King might come
but up 'till now there hasn't been one.

there's a new kid in town,
and He's lying in a manger down the road.
there's a new kid in town,
but He's just another baby i suppose,
heaven knows,
there's a new kid in town,
here in bethlehem.

there's a new kid in town,
and He's lying in a manger down the road.
there' s a new kid in town,
but He's just another baby i suppose,
heaven knows,
there's a new kid in town,
here in bethlehem.

at the zoo...

so, i had this song stuck in my head the entire time i was at the zoo in st. louis with my roomie and her sister, so i thought publishing it on here would be something cool to do. if you don't like it, then stop reading my blog. that's all. here's the song:

someone told me it's all happening at the zoo
i do believe it, i do believe it's true
mmm...mmm...mmm
oh, oh, oh...mmm...mmm...mmm

it's a light and tumbled journey from the east side to the park
just to find a fancy ramble at the zoo
but you can take a crosstown bus if it's raining or it's cold
and animals will love it if you do - if you do now

something tells me it's all happening at the zoo
i do believe it, i do believe it's true
mmm...mmm...mmm
oh, oh, oh...mmm...mmm...mmm

the monkeys stand for honesty
giraffes are insincere
the elephants are kindly but they're dumb
orang utangs are skeptical of changes in their cages
and the zookeeper's very fond of rum

zebras are reactionaries
antelopes are visionaries
pigeons flocked in secrecy
and hamsters turn on frequently
it's a cast you have to come and see
at the zoo - at the zoo - at the zoo - at the zoo - at the zoo

so sad

to be back in lynchburg. no lies, i could have stayed in st. louis for so much longer. i definitely didn't want to come back, but that's the way it goes. now, i just have to get back into the daily swing of things. this weekend was definitely needed. i don't know that i would have made it to thanksgiving break without this time away. it was nice to be away and not think about anything. not have to be anywhere at any specific time or anything like that. and then, the things like going to the zoo and visiting the slu campus were amazing. i'm pretty sure that it is what made the weekend great. well, i should probably go and get ready for work. i have to be there in about an hour.

getting ready to watch prison break with the roomie...

so, this weekend can't come fast enough. today has been SO long that i feel like tomorrow is another convo day...except that tomorrow is tuesday...and i have to make it all the way through that before starting another convo day...which stinks, but life happens.

for the past couple days, me and em have been watching videos on youtube. they're pretty much amazing. anyways, i should probably get going...i have a lot left to do before i go to bed.

i'm bored...so sue me...

1. what is your occupation?
sandwich artist at subway in l-burg, va

2. what color are your socks right now?
i'm not wearing socks

3. what's in your cd player right now?
i don't have a cd player...currently on my computer is a lot of stuff...most recently i listened to the lu campus praise band in the car

4. what was the last thing you ate?
lunch at the rot...eggs, bacon, potatoes, and cereal

5. can you drive a stick shift?
HECK YES!

6. if you were a crayon, what color would you be?
pink and green swirled

7. last person you spoke to on the phone?
um...that's a good question...probably emily

8. do you like the person who sent this to you?
yes. she was a favorite of mine over the summer...she was one of my foster girls at camp. she's amazing

9. how old are you today?
um...i'm 21 years old...or 7670 days old...or 184080 hours old...or 11044800 minutes old...or 662688000 seconds old

10. favorite drink? diet coke...or a vanilla latte...or a caramel latte...or a mocha...or a caramel mocha

11. what is your favorite sport to watch?
HOCKEY

12. have you ever dyed your hair?
it would definitely be a lie to say no

13. pets?
not right now

14. favorite food?
pretty much anything my mom makes

15. what was the last movie you watched at the theater?
john tucker must die

16. favorite time of the year?
fall

17. what do you do to vent anger?
drive, cry, scream, etc.

18. what was your favorite toy as a child?
my water babies...even though my cats killed them

19. which is your favorite, spring or fall?
fall...even though spring is the beginning of new life all over the face of the earth, it's definitely the weather of fall that i love

20. hugs or kisses?
depends on my mood

21. cherry or blueberry?
strawberry

22. do you want your friends to email you back?
well, that's usually why i email them...

23. living arrangements?
dorm 29-2 in a room with my roomie

24. when was the last time you cried?
about a month ago

25. what is on the floor of your closet?
a lot of crap

26. who is the friend that you have had the longest?
gwendolyn

27. what did you do last night?
i worked and then went to the end of the division 1 hockey game and then watched the division 2 hockey game and then went to sheetz and then came back to my dorm and went to sleep

28. favorite smell?
rain

29. what inspires you?
kids, God, love, family, friends

30. what are you afraid of?
clowns, water more than 3 feet deep...things like that...

31. plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers?
chicken sandwich

32. favorite car?
i love my sami...but if i were to upgrade, i'd either want a newer version of her (a honda civic) or a bmw 325i convertible

33. favorite old tv shows?
boy meets world, friends, night court, golden girls, etc.

34. number of keys on your key ring?
3 until i get home...then 4

35. how many years at your current job?
1 month

36. favorite day of the week?
friday and saturday because there are hockey games

37. how many states have you lived in?
2

38. favorite holiday?
Christmas

39. ever driven a motorcycle or heavy machinery?
nope

40. what is one thing you want to do before you die?
if i told you, i'd have to kill you

the way i feel

i was so unique
now i feel skin deep
count on the make up
to cover it all
crying myself to sleep
'cause i cannot keep their attention
thought i could be strong
but it's killing me
does someone hear my cry
'cause i'm dying for new life

i wanna be beautiful
make You stand in awe
look inside my heart
and be amazed
i want to hear You say
who i am is quite enough
just wanna be worthy of love
and beautiful

sometimes i wish i was someone other than me
fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing
won't You help me back to glory

i wanna be beautiful
make You stand in awe
look inside my heart
and be amazed
i want to hear You say
who i am is quite enough
just wanna be worthy of love
and beautiful

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart
and i am amazed
i love to hear You say
who i am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
and beautiful



so, i was just thinking of this song the other day, and i opened up my copy of the book captivating, and this is near the beginning of the book. it made me think again, and i thought i should just put the song up here. it's amazing how God can fill every desire of my heart because of who He is. when i want to feel beautiful, i can look to Him and see myself the way that He sees me, and i am amazed. He thinks i am beautiful, even right after i wake up in the morning when i'm not wearing any make-up and when my hair is sticking out everywhere. it's very hard to fathom.

.let.it.be.

some people bring you gifts..some bring you bricks to weigh you down..so they can swim a little higher..while you drown..some people mean so well..their way was the best way that they found..but any other way you choose..is a brick that weighs you down..so tell me..what do i do with this back pack full of bricks..of sticks and stones..and words that stuck to me like..ticks..let it go..let it be..brick by brick we can be free..of all the words we say 'till we were our own..enemies..let it go..let it be..brick by brick we can believe..in the person God intended us to be..let it be..some people give themselves a brick..i know most people do..when we compare we fall short somewhere..it's always true..if all we see is where we fall..we'd brick the prison wall..instead of trying to learn to fly..we've taught ourselves to crawl..so tell me..what do i do with this back pack full of bricks..of sticks and stones..and words that stuck to me like..ticks..let it go..let it be..brick by brick we can be free..of all the words we say 'till we were our own..enemies..let it go..let it be..brick by brick we can believe..in the person God intended us to be..let it be..we could believe in ourselves more..we could try for unique..instead of trying to conform..we could defy what they tell us..and don't follow lies they sell us..if we're brave..we can believe..in what we are..let it go..let it be..brick by brick we can be free..of all the words we say 'till we were our own..enemies..let it go..let it be..brick by brick we can believe..in the person God intended us to be..let it be..let it be..oh, let it be..

so

today i worked for 6 hours instead of 5. it kind of makes up for the fact that i got sent home 1.5 hours early last night, but kind of stinks now because my back, feet, and head hurt a lot. i'm gonna do this and then get in bed because i'm super cold and i want to curl up on my bed in my fat pants under my down comforter because that would make me warmer than i am.





worthy is the
Lamb who was slain
holy, holy is He
sing a new song
to Him who sits on
heaven's mercy seat

worthy is the
Lamb who was slain
holy, holy is He
sing a new song
to Him who sits on
heaven's mercy seat

holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty
who was and is and is to come
with all creation i sing
praise to the King of kings
You are my everything
and i will adore You

clothed in rainbows
of living color
flashes of lightening
rolls of thunder
blessing and honor
strength and glory and power be
to You the only One i need

holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty
who was and is and is to come
with all creation i sing
praise to the King of kings
You are my everything
and i will adore You

filled with wonder
awe struck wonder
at the mention of Your name
Jesus, Your name is power
breath and living water
such a marvelous mystery

holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty
who was and is and is to come
with all creation i sing
praise to the King of kings
You are my everything
and i will adore You

i have no idea why

but i am SO tired. no lies. it's pretty much awful being this tired. it's not like i got less sleep last night than normal, in fact, i probably got more sleep than normal, but i feel like i could go back to bed right now and sleep for forever. this brings to mind a song:

sleep, no i never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no i never get enough
if i don't show up i might get fired

not that i'll get fired or anything, but most definitely not getting enough sleep. i want to sleep more, but i will not because i'm going to church this morning...and walking there, even though it is freaking cold outside. no lies, i want my oregon weather back. okay, enough of this tired and cold rant. hope you all have a great day!

great affection

God of my awakening i thank You for this day
and master of my breath i thank You for the right to pray
oh Jesus light behind my eyes to You this praise i bring
and keeper of my heartbeat to Your rhythm now i sing

'cause i've been
seized by the power of Your great affection
taken captive by the size and scope of Your amazing love
i'm so incapacitated that You'd send it my direction
You fill me up with Your huge love like a hand inside a glove

architect of joy all happiness comes from Your hand
shepherd of my mind to take the time to help me understand
oh Jesus light behind my eyes it was for this i was made
great composer of my heart strings now Your masterpiece is played

'cause i've been
seized by the power of Your great affection
taken captive by the size and scope of Your amazing love
i'm so incapacitated that You'd send it my direction
You fill me up with Your huge love like a hand inside a glove

Father, thank you doesn't seem enough for sending Jesus
and Jesus no words can suffice to thank you that You died
i praise You Holy Spirit for it's Your embrace that frees us
one year to three Your love for me, the hope i hold inside, inside

'cause i've been
seized by the power of Your great affection
taken captive by the size and scope of Your amazing love
i'm so incapacitated that You'd send it my direction
You fill me up with Your huge love like a hand inside a glove


'cause i've been
seized by the power of Your great affection
overwhelmed and overcome by all the love You have to give
Savior, Your light shining love that warms my soul and bears reflection
You fill me up with Your huge love giving me the strength to live
You fill me up with Your huge love giving me the strength to live

story

hear me
when i speak
and just listen
and try not to be
some kind of self-righteous high being
where the opposites mislead me
to better your mind and see
this is a story
of how we can be

they're building you up to tear you down
they won't admit it but its true
smiling advice to end with your frown
cuz they don't want what's best for you
it's sad i know i know
but you know i'm something else
and now's my turn to just sit back and tell

that you don't know just when to stop
you're living life to be on top
so start back here and be real
and just admit the way you feel
and see we are all one big learning game
and its true that
we all want to be the baddest
we all have a little baggage
even though we hide it
and we always will deny it
we are driving this float down main
in this pride parade

and i'm not saying that i'm any better than you
sometimes i have motives that are just so stupid
and i play the fool
but man you're killing me
the charade has got to end
so stop acting like you know everything
because you're missing the point
you were supposed to be my friend

you don't know just when to stop
you're living life to be on top
so start back here and be real
and just admit the way you feel
and see we are all one big learning game
and its true that
we all want to be the baddest
we all have a little baggage
even though we hide it
and we always will deny it
we are driving this float down main
in this pride parade

i don't, i don't know know

just try, just try
to lean away
take me to another place
where i know, i know
what's happening
to my head and to my dreams
cuz i want, i want
i need, i need
some piece of mind and clarity
so just take take my hand
and let's leave

you don't know just when to stop
you're living life to be on top
so start back here and be real
and just admit the way you feel
and see we are all one big learning game
and its true that
we all want to be the baddest
we all have a little baggage
even though we hide it
and we always will deny it
we are driving this float down main
in this pride parade

sometimes

something catches you by surprise. like today when i found out that something that i had been thinking for a while was not what i had thought it was. now, i can't really explain this without being completely obvious about what it was that happened, and i don't want to be obvious about it because that could end up being awkward, and there are enough awkward things in my life...i don't need to add another one on top of that. haha...anyways, today was a good day. went to the park with emily, emily, kim, jenn, and jenn. haha...good times. me and kim were apparantly the only originals with the names, but anyways, we were there to help emily (my roomie) out with her photography assignment, and then we all went to dinner together. it was a good time. no lies. i work 18 hours this next week...actually, thursday through monday i'll be working 18 hours. it's kinda weird to be only working pretty much on the weekends but still have that many hours. i'm gonna have to talk to my boss before the next saturday hockey game because i can't miss any more of those ones...it wouldn't be a good time for me. not a good time at all. no lies. well, i think me and em are going to watch some more gilmore girls as i read something for my english class so i can write the paper tomorrow and turn it in on thursday. love you all and hope you have a wonderful night!

hearing God interrupt your plans

no lies, it's not easy. to have this plan in mind and then have God come and interrupt this plan that you've had and tell you that your plans are not the right plans for your life. this is a lesson that i've been learning for several years, and you would think that i would have learned this a long time ago because it's a lesson that God has had to teach me several different times.

scenario #1: high school - in my junior year, i had 2 options for my summer. sometime in january, i made up my own mind and decided i was going to take the easy summer. i'm saying easy, but not really meaning EASY. i was going to stay home and do a lot of volunteer work with my youth group, and then go with them to mexico and help build a house. now, if you really know me, you might be thinking, chelsey...going to mexico...and building a house? well, i sometimes have ideals for doing things that are out of the ordinary in my life (kind of like the other weekend when i played flag football with the girls on my hall). well, God had different plans for my summer. i ended up working at a summercamp in washington state, and doing a lot all summer long. it was an amazing summer, and i wouldn't have traded it for anything, but when God interrupted my planning, i wasn't happy at all. it took a lot for me to give up my own plans and surrender to God's plans.

scenario #2: still in high school - God asked me to go to a school that didn't have the major that i intended to graduate with, and i am still not positive why i ended up there, but i definitely wouldn't have traded those 2 years for anything. i had an amazing time.

scenario #3: college - the reason for originally starting this post - God pulled me out of my intended major and placed me into another one. never in my life did i see myself as anything except a nurse, but at this point in my life, i can't see myself actually becoming a nurse...not only for the fact that i am no longer in one of the required nursing classes, but for the fact that i know that it is something that i am not supposed to do in my life. i am supposed to do something different. looking at this now, i should have known a long time ago. no lies, but i was too busy making my own plans and thinking about the things that i wanted out of life. i thought i was praying for God's will in my life, but in all actuality i was telling God what i wanted in life. it was something that i needed to get over. when i did i found that God's plans are always the best. i'm not gonna lie, i'm happy. i'm content. i know i'm headed in the right direction.



















p.s. emily is sleeping, and she just knocked something off of the bed or something like that. it makes me laugh.






p.p.s. i'm gonna go to bed now. no lies. i've got to get some sleep.

what to do...

for the next 2 nights...i'm not working. if you wanna hang out, let me know. i'm completely free. it feels good to be able to say that! anyways, yeah...if you wanna hang out, call me.

AAAANNNNNDDDDD...i should be sleeping right now, but me and em are watching gilmore girls season 5...because we're wicked cool like that. no lies. you wish you were as cool as us. aaaannnnnnnndddddddd...there's no convo tomorrow! that means SLEEPING IN! i'm excited about that.

sad day...

i have to work tonight. and there's a hockey game. and it's against davenport. man, it's gonna be a good game, and i'm gonna be at subway making sandwiches for other people. it's a sad day. no lies.

oh, life.

so, today, i went to work, and they told me that i was needed at a different store. that's fine and all, but they definitely sent me to a store that i had no clue where it was. they had me go to lynchburg general hospital because there's a subway in the food court there. oh.my.gosh. it was SO slow there! they ended up sending me home an hour early, which means less money, but i was glad to leave there. i definitely don't want to work at that one again. it was way too slow. i didn't like it. i would have much rather been at my store because it stays busy there.

anyways, i have officially dropped health assessment which means less stress for me!!! i'm excited about that one. i'm going to try and declare my major when i talk to my advisor, and then i'll officially be out of the nursing program...actually, at this point, i am officially out of it because i'm not taking health assessment now.

well, thought i'd leave you with a little song:

how many times have i turned away
the number is the same as the sand on the shore
but every time You've taken me back
and now i pray You do it once more

please take from me my life
when i don't have the strength to give it away to You
please take from me my life
when i don't have the strength to give it away to you Jesus

how many times have i turned away
the number is the same as the stars in the sky
but every time You've taken me back
and now i pray You do it tonight

please take from me my life
when i don't have the strength to give it away to You
please take from me my life
when i don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus
when i don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus

new layout...new thoughts...letting go

so, never in my life did i think that i would be letting go of a dream that i had had for so long. if you know me at all, you know that i've wanted to be a nurse for as long as i can remember. well, not anymore. God showed me some things about myself and Himself in the past couple weeks, and i relized that becoming a nurse was MY dream and not His dream for me. so, i had to get over myself and allow God to show me what He wanted for me. it was followed by a couple uncertain weeks and days, but i'm thinking now that i know what direction to head in. i am now majoring in family and child development and minoring in business and psychology. it is such a liberating experience to let go of everything that i've held so dear in my life to embrace everything that God has for me. if this is something that you've never done, i encourage you to let go of all of the things that you hold dear in your life, no matter what it is, and give it all to God. if it is something that He has in mind for you, He'll give it back. if it is something that you just really need to let go of, God will give you a peace about it. i'm not gonna lie...my dream of becoming a nurse was a HARD one to give up, but i know that what i'm going into now is going to be SO much better than what i was going to do. i love it when God surprises you with something that you didn't expect.




















































life is good. eternal life is better.

refined by the fire

i come into this place burning to receive Your peace i come with my own chains from wars i fought for my own selfish gains You're my God and my Father i've accepted Your Son but my soul feels so empty now what have i become

Lord come with Your fire burn my desires refine me Lord my will has deceived me please come and free me refine me

my heart cannot see when i only look at me my soul cannot hear when i only think of my own fears they are gone in a moment You're forever the same why did i run away from You how can i speak Your name

Lord come with Your fire burn my desires refine me Lord my will has deceived me please come and free me come rescue this child for i long to be reconciled to You

it's all i can do to give my heart and soul to you and pray and pray oh i will pray

Lord come with Your fire burn my desires refine me Lord my will has deceived me please come and free me come rescue this child for i long to be reconciled to You

refine me refine me refine me refine me

it's a great day to be alive

i know the sun's still shining when i close my eyes there's been some hard times in the neighborhood but why can't every day be just this good?








































































































































in case you didn't get the memo, today was a good day.

sing to the King

sing to the King who is coming to reign
glory to Jesus the lamb that was slain
life and salvation His empire shall bring
joy to the nations when Jesus is King

come let us sing a song
a song declaring we belong to Jesus
He is all we need, yeah
lift up a heart of praise
sing now with voices raised to Jesus
sing to the King

for His returning we watch and we pray
we will be ready the dawn of that day
we'll join in singing with all the redeemed
satan is vanquished and Jesus is King
come let us sing a song
a song declaring we belong to Jesus
He is all we need, yeah
lift up a heart of praise
sing now with voices raised to Jesus
sing to the King

hockey

was amazing tonight. i'm not gonna lie. the best part was being hardcore with emily and renee and definitely getting noticed. we're going to be "the girls with the hockey shirts" from now on. it's amazing.

i need sleep

that's all i need right now. is some sleep, so that's what i'm going to do. good night all.

from the inside out

a thousand times i've failed
still Your mercy remains
and should i stumble again
i'm caught in Your grace

everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
my purpose remains
the art of losing myself
in bringing You praise

everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

in my heart and my soul
Lord i give You control
consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
become my embrace
to love you from the inside out

everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
and the cry of my heart
is to bring You praise
from the inside out
Lord my soul cries out



seriously, this is how i'm feeling right now. this is a song that my campus praise band has been playing a lot this semester, and it's something that has seriously convicted me. loving God from the inside out...that means that if you're struggling, you shouldn't hide behind the fact that you are a Christian. you should let people know that you're struggling. loving God from the inside out...meaning no show. if it's true on the inside THEN it can show on the outside. the outside isn't going to affect the inside, but the inside WILL affect the outside. okay, random thoughts from me. God is teaching me a lot this semester. i'm excited to see where He's going to take me. no more pretending. it's just me and Him now. until the end.

.my.heart.hurts.

and there's a good reason. i guess i didn't realize how much i actually missed my family, and it hit me today when i talked to kacey online and then to my mom on the phone. they're all in brasil right now, and even though my mom is going to be heading home in a little over a week, the rest of them are staying there for a while. i'm thinking that my next BIG trip is going to be to brasil to see them because i miss them a lot, and i can't wait 4 years before i see them. definitely not. anyways, i just needed to get that out there. i hope that you, whoever you are, have a great day.

why can't i breathe whenever i think about you?

so, i've completed the first "week" of classes. i put it in quotes because it wasn't a full week. i have been back in the burg for a week now, and it feels good to be in the place i know God wants me. i'm a little bit intimidated by my classes, but i know that i am doing what God wants me to be doing, so i know that He will give me the strength to do all of the things that i have to for these classes. emily and i are looking forward to playing lacrosse with her junior lacrosse sticks tomorrow. it's going to be pretty great! anyways, i should probably go. we're watching 'how to deal' right now, except that i'm watching it and emily is asleep in her bed...like normal. i'll write more at a later date...

oh man

so, seriously, today was pretty much amazing. we came the rest of the way to virginia and when we got to a certain point, emily and i took the lead. wow is all i have to say about that. we ended up in charlottesville instead of lynchburg because we missed a turn. oops! oh, well. it was an adventure. i think i'm gonna get ready for bed now because i'm getting up super early because i'm going to the school with emily in the morning, and she has to be there at 8.

in iowa

i'm in iowa now. we're leaving tomorrow morning. and i'm excited for this school year. i'll write more later.

so...

tonight, i fought with my mom for her bed. i ended up licking her forehead because she was trying to lick my arm. and it the fight made me cough, but i'm refusing to take more albuterol at this point because i'm already wired and i don't need any more albuterol in my system. anyways, i'm heading out of here the day after tomorrow. i'm going to see my amazing roommate and then we're driving together from her house in iowa to school in virginia. it's going to be amazing.

conversation with a monkey

carmin: chelsey, it kinda looks like you're kidnapping us.
chelsey: why do you say that, carmin?
carmin: because we're in a car. and you're driving. and you're wearing
your glasses.
chelsey: carmin, these are my sun glasses. i'm wearing them because
it's sunny outside. people wear glasses like this so that they
don't hurt their eyes when it is sunny outside.
carmin: well, they look like kidnapping glasses.






hahahahahaha

life and love and why

so, i'm officially done packing until tuesday morning when i shove the last VERY essential things into my bag that i didn't have an extra of to keep here at home. i'm super excited to be leaving. anyways, i should be getting to bed. i have church and the coffee stand in the morning.

life or something like it

so, i'm done working at camp, and i do have to say that God taught me some pretty amazing things this summer. i'm really glad i went to canyonview. i now have about 9 days until i leave for iowa and then 2 days later i'm driving with emily to virginia. it's going to be pretty much amazing. that's all i have to say now. i need to be asleep.