Cannot hold it in...

Has something so spectacular that you immediately started calling everyone you know just to tell them the good news ever happened to you? To be honest, it has happened to me - several times. I can think back on my life and pinpoint those moments. The first big one was when I was in high school and I got accepted to work in a leadership training program at a summer camp. Another was when I was accepted into the nursing program at Liberty University. Another was when I found out that I was going to Asia with a woman's team this past school year. The most recent was when I was offered the job that I am currently holding.

Now, those things are good things - they are things that should be shared with the people who love you.

As I was reading my Bible this morning, I came across a verse that started me thinking about these things. I'm not going to share the whole thing - just the part that got me thinking - "there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot." This is the prophet Jeremiah speaking. Just before this portion of the verse, he was saying that he could never say that he would no more speak the Word of God for this very reason. How often do we begin calling everyone we know who does not know the Lord just to share the good news of His death with them? I wouldn't ever think twice about calling everyone about getting a good job or getting accepted into seminary, but there is a part of me that would hesitate to call certain people just to share the news of God. Now, I am not in any way saying that this is right, because it isn't. I should be more willing to share Christ with someone than I am to share about someone buying me Starbucks that day.

I'm definitely feeling convicted today about this. It has been running through my mind for a good portion of the day - how can I be more eager to share the love of God with another person? How can I begin to share how grateful I am to Him that He saved me and set me apart for a specific purpose? How can I be a light to the world around me without getting embarrassed with the message I am sharing?

can't sleep

i feel like God is telling me to do something, but i don't know what it is. i feel like there should be a purpose as to why i am up at this hour, but i can't figure it out. my brain won't shut off, and i don't know why. i've already been in bed for over an hour, and nothing, so i came out to the living room and have been reading my Bible and praying, and i'm more awake than i was before. i don't understand it, but i thought i would share it here.

i've started my new job, and i love it. the women here are great women who have begun to open up to me about various things in their lives. i wish i knew how to really reach each one where she is in her life, but God will have to do that through me.

i should probably get off now - i was kinda hoping for an early night tonight, but it's not looking that way anymore.

Life

"I have always taken care of you." ~God

I can't believe how life has taken this turn. A week ago, I didn't know what I would be doing after graduation. I wasn't sure where in the United States I would be. Now, I have accepted a job with New Faith Family Center in Albany, NY. I am really excited about this opportunity that I have with this! I am moving right after graduation. I need to call tomorrow for more details, but I can't wait to get this all figured out. I am SUPER excited about this!

hindsight

i remember as You kneeled to wash our feet that night
though i resisted You explained it had to be
as an example of how we should serve each other
but as You gently washed my feet, what did you see?
it seems like yesterday we all sat there together
and each word You said stirred fire in my soul
about how the always faithful man comes under stormy weather
but as You smiled at me then you must have known

and as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away

looking back, i can't imagine how You did it
i could not have shown such love if i had known
that this man whose feet i washed would soon deny that he had known me
still You humbly served Your servant
and now that love cuts through the bone
because i promised that i never would deny You
i said that i would rather die than curse Your name
and all along You loved me though You knew they were shallow empty words
and now each time my feet i wash, it just reminds me of my shame

'cause as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away

how could You love me?
why did You love me?

now for the first time i can finally see things clearly
You gave love and asked for nothing in return
now i pledge my life to loving others just like You loved me
and how the memories of that night You washed my feet have set me free

'cause as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away
so i could walk away

~hindsight by everybodyduck

in between the rain

so, i'm leaving the country in just over 2 days. i'm nervous and excited all at the same time. it's kinda crazy. like hardcore. seriously.

here i am

awake is where i stand
i feel more dead than i've ever been
my soul begins to shout
through the soundproof walls
my heart pours out
here i am
take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
my clothes are stained with love
my blood and tears, they don't seem like enough
You say that it won't hurt me as much as it hurts You
then i can't imagine the kind of pain You must be going through
my eyes held tightly closed
to give my tears nowhere to go
here i am
Lord, take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
here i am
take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
my eyes held tightly closed
to give my tears nowhere to go


~here i am by logan martin

and

i'm getting baseball fever, so i decided to change the background. i seriously can't wait for baseball!

although, i will still feel a void in my life because of the lack of hockey...but life goes on.

AH!

so, i just heard from a lady that i emailed about a possible job, and they're going to contact me by the end of the week! they're sending me a packet of info, and then the director is going to contact me when she gets back into the office! i can't believe that i might have something for after graduation lined up!!! i'm super excited about this!

wow...

so, today has definitely been a day of emotions. first, something completely unexpected happened, and i will leave all of you blog readers in the dark about this, because i don't really know how to explain it without coming across as some sort of creeper, but it does put a new twist on some of my life experiences to date.

then, i had to put together my "story". aka my testimony, but not as you think of a testimony. i wasn't supposed to focus on the timeline of events, but rather the relationship i have with God. it was difficult to put that into words, and i typed it out and ended up scrapping my preparations right before i had to share with the group at the meeting. what i shared was my heart - how i know God the way that i know Him - what He has taught me over the past several years. it was difficult to share, and i did so at a pretty surface level, but then questions were asked of me, and i realized that i needed to go a bit deeper in what i shared. sharing with people how Christ has changed my life means sharing with them what has hurt me in the past and how that has changed and shaped my present and my future. it was really hard to share, but i knew that to really open up with this group of people was essential to my ministry, and if i can't open up to these people, how am i going to be able to open up to someone else? someone who i am ministering to? i know that one of the qualities people look for is openness, and if you can tell that someone isn't sharing everything, you aren't going to be willing to open up to them until they open up to you.

lastly, i got home from my meeting, and was still a little emotional from sharing during the meeting, and i checked my email. i had sent out an email earlier letting my prayer supporters know where i stood with finances for this trip, and there was an email from a lady who had approached me back in august to say that no matter what, she and her husband would make sure i was going on this trip, and the email from her said that they were sending a check for almost the entirety of what i need to be fully financed. whenever i think about it, i am close to tears.

God is amazing. life is so unpredictable and crazy, but God is sovereign through it all. i can't even imagine where i would be or who i would be without Him. i know that i would be so much worse off, and i also know that i wouldn't be happy. i wouldn't have the joy that i have in my life now.

my heart is so full.

all of my life

in every season
You are still God
and i have a reason to sing
i have a reason to worship




such powerful words written by a woman who had just lost a child. i need to be more like this.

new beginnings...so close to the ending

why is it that i seem to find people who could have been amazing friends only 3 months before we all leave this school to head out and begin doing what we believe God has called us to do for Him? i know that there is a reason that these people have come into my life, but at the same time, it seems so unfair that we aren't going to get a very long time to know each other and build friendships. i guess that's what email is for?

i know i've been writing somewhat short and shallow posts for a while, and i'm going to try and remedy that sometime soon...it's just that this is all i can seem to write down online for now...i guess there's a lot going on in my life that i am not ready to share with the online world.

now, for me, it is time to return to my paper for CHHI on the canonization of the Bible...

hard to believe

it is coming upon the end of my time in lynchburg...that fact is still hard for me to believe. this place, as much as i want to leave, has become such an important part of shaping who i am today. i know that i wouldn't be the person i am now if it wasn't for this place. and, as much as i want to leave and see what God has in store for me, i am going to be a little sad to leave...

little reminders...

tonight i went to Bible study at my church, and we sang a few songs at the beginning, and then spent time in prayer. it was amazing, but what caught me was one of the songs that we sang. it's one i've known for what seems like forever, but the words really hit me tonight -

better is ONE day in Your courts
better is ONE day in Your house
better is ONE day in Your courts
than THOUSANDS elsewhere









wow.

so,

i think i'm going to have to go to bed soon. i've been trying to ignore a headache all day, and it doesn't seem to be going away at all. i've tried taking stuff, i've tried eating, all to no avail. i'm even wearing my glasses. stupid head. i'm off to watch some friends and maybe sleep away the ache.

faith

Tonight, I was writing a paper for my class on the book of Romans, and while writing the paper, I came across this verse that I have read so many times, and never really thought about, but tonight, in the middle of writing my paper, it made me think a lot. I love when you're reading a passage that you've read so many times before, and God all of a sudden opens your eyes and you see the passage in a new light. It is amazing how God does that. Anyways, here are my thoughts:

Hebrews 11:13-16, "These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

Just a little preface, these verses come in the middle of the chapter of faith, and more specifically, these are in the middle of the verses about Abraham and Sarah.

Abraham was asked by God to leave his home and go to a country that he had never seen. God called him and asked him to go, and because Abraham believed that God had something better for him, Abraham went. He left everything that he had ever known, and went walking toward a promise of God that he had yet to see. The crazy thing is, Abraham was never fully a resident in the land that God had promised to him. He was always a foreigner, but he still believed God. He still believed that God had a plan in all of this.

As Abraham and Sarah left their home, they went forward. Not looking behind. That was the part that stuck out to me the most. Here's that verse again, "If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return." That is verse 15. This really made me think a lot about my life. There are so many things that I struggle with, but God has asked me to walk forward, looking only to Him. Sometimes I don't think that my faith is enough, because I still look back on plans I made for my own life and desire to go back to them. God has put a calling on my life, and while I know that it is the best thing, I think about how I love so much other stuff and would love to have the opportunity to see how that would play out in my life. There are so many times that I find myself staring longingly back, into my past, and for what? To return to a place that God has called me out of? To walk away from His perfect calling on my life?

If Abraham and Sarah had been looking behind them at the land and life that they had left behind, they would have found a reason to return. The NIV says, "they would have had opportunity to return."

"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." They desired something better. They desired the life that God had called them to. The life of foreigners in the land. Think of how perfectly that resembles our lives on the earth - we are foreigners because our permanent dwelling is in heaven - we are only on this earth for a short time, and we need to be looking toward the heavenly country. We need to take our eyes off of the past and direct them towards the heavenly country because otherwise we will find the opportunity to return to something that God has called us out of.

Proverbs 16:9, "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

18...that's right...18

days away from going HOME! and, i just talked with my brother tonight, and he said that he was going to be coming up to the airport with my mom to pick me up! i'm pretty excited about that.

the end of the semester is upon me, and i couldn't be more excited. i'm so close to being DONE with school! i have 3 classes left that are required for my major, but i am taking 4 so that i can stay at full-time status. 1 of my classes is an independent study class, and 1 of them is going to be a DLP class...so i'll only have 2 classes that i have to go to! i'm pretty excited about that!

anyways, i should probably get going...i need to go to bed soon because i have to finish a paper tomorrow - and then i'll only have 2 presentations, 1 paper, and a commentary away from finals - and then it will be the end of the semester and i will be getting on a plane to go home. it will be glorious.

i.can't.wait.

not that far

underneath the stars
just a simple man and wife
somewhere in the dark
his words cut the silent night
"take my hand, for the child
that you carry is God's own
and though it seems the road is long

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for in our arms we'll cherish him
we're not that far from bethlehem

let us celebrate
as the Christmases go by
learn to live our days
with our hearts near to the Child
ever drawn, ever close
to the only love that lasts
and though 2000 years have passed

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far
we're not that far
from bethlehem

~not that far from bethlehem: point of grace



so, in my Bible study this morning, we were talking about ways to keep Christ the focus during this holiday season, and it really struck me. how many times do we say that we're focusing on Christ and living our lives to please Him and then in reality, we're being selfish humans who don't know what it means to truly love and serve God. this is something that i want to make sure i'm focused on this Christmas. instead of focusing on what to get for people, why not completely focus on the Lord and what this day actually signifies? this season is supposed to mark when our Lord put on human skin and come down to earth in order to give His life as the perfect sacrifice for our sins. when thinking about things in this way, things seem to have a better perspective.

well

life as of late has been interesting. things have been pretty busy, and i'm so close to being done with this semester. i'm so ready to go home and spend time with family. i think it is finally setting in that there is a possibility that i won't be going home for an extended period of time after this, and i want to spend time with my family. i love my family and i am really going to miss going home for summers and holidays once i am in my future career.

i have contacted monica about an internship after graduation in may, and i'm pretty excited about that...i should know by february! i'm really excited about this opportunity that she is putting together for those of us graduating from here. it's pretty amazing.

other than that, i have 25 days until i go home for Christmas!!! and only 175 days until i graduate!!! i can't wait to be done. it is going to be an amazing ride for the rest of the semester...and the rest of the year. i can't wait to see what God has planned for me.

now i'm going to go back to listening in my class.

allure

Hosea 2:14 - Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her."

this semester

has been...weird. i guess that would be the correct term for it. i should start at the beginning...

this semester began weird with a friend. she seemed different than she had before, and i couldn't put my finger on it, until something was said - not on purpose, but the statement made me start thinking. i then, with the help of a friend, figured out what it was that had happened with the first friend, and we figured out that she had been lying to us.

this lying has continued all semester, and it has now come to the point where i am seriously concerned for this friend of mine. she is one who used to openly admit and be proud of the fact that she couldn't lie, and now she tries to get us to believe that she can lie and hide things from us.

she told me that if i was getting married, she would weigh her options as to whether or not she would want to come. then, the next day, she told me that she almost ditched me to hang out with a boy. then, a couple days later, she actually said out loud that she always likes someone else more than she likes me, and then when i confronted her about this, she tried to deny that she had said it, except that i heard her say it. she then sent me a text message saying that she was sorry, and she was going to tell me that when we were alone, but if she can say in front of other people that she doesn't like me then she can tell me that she's sorry in front of other people. that's my thinking, so when i got the text from her, i decided to send her a message and tell her how i felt. i didn't bring up anything past because i didn't think that it was necessary to do so.

honestly, i'm tired of this. this friend seems to be frustrated every time she is around me. she doesn't like talking with me, and she doesn't like hanging out with me and every time we do hang out, she has a super short fuse and gets angry at me for nothing.

i'm not okay with friends up and deciding that they don't want to be friends with me anymore. i'm not okay with investing this much time and effort in a friendship and having the other person bail out. i lost my best friend in the last year, and it isn't okay with me. there's no way to know the pain that caused me unless you've experienced that pain yourself, and i don't make friends that easily, and i have really invested too much in this friendship to have it go to crap.

if you happen to read this, you know who you are. and, i'm ready and willing to talk to you, but you have to be the one who brings it up, and you have to be the one to tell me what you have been hiding from me, even though i know. you are in trouble, and i care about you and i want to help you with your problem, but you have to come out and tell me what it is.