1 year...

As I sit here at my mom's house, I'm realizing the magnitude of a year.

**Just so you all know, I'm writing this about August 2nd, not the 3rd. I don't know if I will be able to write much about the 3rd...I think living it will be hard enough**

1 year ago today, I had my last conversation with my brother. The last words I said to him were, "Take it easy. I hope you feel better soon." I didn't tell him I loved him, and I think I will always regret that. I didn't tell him, but I know he knew. 1 year ago today, I was at the end of a chapter in my life, and I had no idea. For me, that was the first time I hadn't known that a life change was about to happen. For me, life changes were always things that I had thought long and hard about - things that I agonized and prayed over, not things that just happened to me. Looking back at a year ago today, if I had known what was about to happen, I would have gone for one last conversation with the most important man in my life. I would have hugged him one more time. I would have laughed with him one more time. I would have told him and made sure he knew just how much he meant to me. I probably would have stayed by his side until the end, not wanting to let go.

I sit here, in the attic, not sure if I'm ready for tomorrow. I don't know what to expect for the emotion of it all. I know that I will be with the 2 most important people in the world to me - my mom and Tim. I know that we are all going to be hurting, feeling, and remembering together. I thank God for the time I had with Jason, even though I wish there had been 1 more hug, 1 more smile, and 1 more I love you.

Even as I'm writing, I have tears streaming down my face. Sometimes I can't believe he's really gone, and then there are days like today where I fully comprehend the magnitude of a year.