Reflecting

You know those times that you didn't realize were big moments until months or years later? Yeah - me too. Sometimes I wish I had realized at the time that those small things were actually the big things because maybe I would have taken the time to really take in what was going on around me so that my memory of that moment would be more clear. And sometimes I wish I had known that what I thought were the big moments were actually the moments that didn't mean quite as much.

Perspective is something that I've been thinking about for a while. I remember as a kid being scared of anyone with a face (unless they were in my family), and I was ESPECIALLY SCARED if that person had a camera! Oh - you should see some ALL of the professional pictures my mom had done when I was a kid. I still hold to the fact that she shouldn't have paid for them because she KNEW I wouldn't smile for the photographer (usually I had a pretty good scowl going on). I used to hide under my mom's skirts at church because people gave me social anxiety. I preferred to have time alone in my room with my toys, and sometimes I still feel that way. There are days when I would prefer to be left alone in my room with a good book or my knitting. But, I've seen that my perspective has changed. Yes, I still have some social anxiety, but I'm working on that. I have a job where I sit behind a computer and communicate with people online. I have a job where I don't have to talk with anyone but my coworkers face-to-face, and yet, I find myself longing for that face-to-face connection. I find myself desiring to network with people in real life instead of just online. Online is great for when people live far away, but there are people here in my hometown that I've only ever communicated with online! That just seems wrong to me - I should be out and spreading God's love in person instead of just sitting behind my computer. Ironic how I'm saying this on my blog, right? :)

Now, you're probably wondering why I'm putting those 2 paragraphs in the same post, and I do have a point, I promise...it just might take me a little while to get there.

I was talking with family a couple weekends ago about all of the perspective stuff, and my mom started laughing and asked if anyone ever thought that the little girl who used to hide under her skirts to avoid people would have ever wanted to network face-to-face. But, the thing is, I remember what it was like to be that girl. I remember what it was like to want to hide from the world. I remember what it was like to be clinging to my mom's leg as I was hiding in her skirt afraid of people. And while that at the time was not a big thing, now it is. Now, I see people who need someone to reach out to them because they don't know how to reach out for help. I see people who have something to give, but don't know how to give it without some guidance. I see people who are afraid to get too close for fear of getting hurt, but that is the kind of pain that is worth it!

If I had stayed as afraid of people as I had been as a child, I never would have known my brother the way that I was able to. I never would have had the chance to go out for coffee with him and just talk because I would have been afraid of the other people in the coffee shop. I never would have known his hopes, dreams, and fears. I never would have known my great grandmother as an amazing, hard-working, generous, and kind woman. I never would have known the pain and heartache she went through when she lost her daughter or when she was left by her first husband. I never would have known her sense of humor or how much she loved the Lord.

Think of all the things that you miss out on when you are focused on the "big" - but is it really the big moment? Or just a small moment in disguise? I think about the evenings I used to go to my great grandmother's and help her take a shower - definitely not what I would choose to do with my free time, but something that needed to be done, so I did it. Think of those times when you say to a sibling, "Not today, maybe tomorrow." What if there is no tomorrow? What if today is all you have?

Perspective makes us think differently, and for that I'm grateful. I'm beginning to see so many things that I had missed out on because I was afraid, but so what if I don't know what to do in a particular situation? I know that God has it in control, so what am I going to be able to do about it? A whole big fat wad of nothing. Seriously.

This past year has been one of much change in my life - some of the change I like, and some of it I don't, but I know that there is One who can help me to change the things I don't like and make them valuable to Him for His purposes. Maybe there is a reason I'm here and going through this. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with someone else. Maybe there is someone else who needs to see what I've gone through and how I have come out on the other side of that particular trial. Life becomes so much better when you realize that it isn't all about you.