i'm only me

there are times that i forget that. there are times when i think that there is so much more that i should be doing. there are times when i try to be someone else for fear that people won't like me. but the fact remains, i am only me. i cannot be someone else - at least not for very long. i cannot pretend that i have it all together when my world has slowly been falling apart.

that's kind of the way life feels recently - like it is falling apart. i feel like just the smallest thing could end up destroying everything, and then sometimes i wonder if that would be a bad thing. would it be a bad thing if God allowed everything i've tried to build for myself fall apart? what would happen then? would i begin living in the life that He wants me to be living in? or would i go and start relying on myself again to build another life that could come crashing down at any moment?

these are things that seem to plague me sometimes. i have a hard time letting go and giving God the control of everything. sometimes i have the nerve to blame another person (some people will know who i'm talking about, but not all will, and i'm not willing to put that online), but in reality, while that person is to blame for causing some of the damage in my life, they are not to blame for the fact that i haven't allowed God to heal me from that damage. i have been fully aware of this for years now, and am sometimes still seething and oozing from those wounds. wounds that i do not wish on anyone. and, in the mean time, life has happened and there are new wounds on my heart. ones that are a lot more fresh - ones that to truly think about bring me to tears. ones i know i can't heal on my own.

i think about the fact that i have left these wounds open - ready to devour anyone who tries to touch on those issues. i know that there is a reason i've gone through those things, isn't it about time for me to heal and figure out that reason? this year. this year is going to be one devoted to healing. one devoted to allowing God to bring the healing only He can bring into my life.

this year will be my year. this year will be amazing.