waves

that's how it comes. in waves. everything will be fine for a while, and then out of nowhere, this wave sneaks up and completely engulfs you and you feel like you can hardly breathe. it can be something small that you see or smell that brings the wave, or it can just be a sneaky wave.

a year and a half ago, i never knew this kind of grief. i had lost people in the past, but it was when i was younger, and as a child, i didn't fully understand grief, and i really think that having the innocence of a child spares you from this kind of grief. for that, i am grateful. no child should have to experience this.

it has taken me a while to write about this - i've gotten my head above this wave enough to breathe and know once again that i am going to be okay. the experience of the wave leaves me feeling like i'm tumbling around but no one can see. it is a very odd feeling.

i started reading some of his books recently. they make me feel more connected to him. make it seem like he is waiting for me to finish reading the book so we can discuss what i thought of it. i found a new series that i hope to make it all the way through some day, but it probably won't be for a while. i found another series that i want to introduce him to because i think that he would love these books, but he isn't here to read them. i found a book that he checked out from the library 6 years ago and never returned. and in case you were wondering, i have no plans on returning the book. i plan on keeping it because it so reminds me of how forgetful he was. at this point, i'm guessing that the library doesn't miss it anymore.

sometimes all i want to do is call him and talk with him about what is going on - he always knew how to make me calm down and stop panicking about things that were going on (i have a hard time not panicking now...)

i feel God possibly calling me somewhere else, but i want to stay here because he was here and all of my memories of him are here.