hard to believe

it is coming upon the end of my time in lynchburg...that fact is still hard for me to believe. this place, as much as i want to leave, has become such an important part of shaping who i am today. i know that i wouldn't be the person i am now if it wasn't for this place. and, as much as i want to leave and see what God has in store for me, i am going to be a little sad to leave...

little reminders...

tonight i went to Bible study at my church, and we sang a few songs at the beginning, and then spent time in prayer. it was amazing, but what caught me was one of the songs that we sang. it's one i've known for what seems like forever, but the words really hit me tonight -

better is ONE day in Your courts
better is ONE day in Your house
better is ONE day in Your courts
than THOUSANDS elsewhere









wow.

so,

i think i'm going to have to go to bed soon. i've been trying to ignore a headache all day, and it doesn't seem to be going away at all. i've tried taking stuff, i've tried eating, all to no avail. i'm even wearing my glasses. stupid head. i'm off to watch some friends and maybe sleep away the ache.

faith

Tonight, I was writing a paper for my class on the book of Romans, and while writing the paper, I came across this verse that I have read so many times, and never really thought about, but tonight, in the middle of writing my paper, it made me think a lot. I love when you're reading a passage that you've read so many times before, and God all of a sudden opens your eyes and you see the passage in a new light. It is amazing how God does that. Anyways, here are my thoughts:

Hebrews 11:13-16, "These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

Just a little preface, these verses come in the middle of the chapter of faith, and more specifically, these are in the middle of the verses about Abraham and Sarah.

Abraham was asked by God to leave his home and go to a country that he had never seen. God called him and asked him to go, and because Abraham believed that God had something better for him, Abraham went. He left everything that he had ever known, and went walking toward a promise of God that he had yet to see. The crazy thing is, Abraham was never fully a resident in the land that God had promised to him. He was always a foreigner, but he still believed God. He still believed that God had a plan in all of this.

As Abraham and Sarah left their home, they went forward. Not looking behind. That was the part that stuck out to me the most. Here's that verse again, "If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return." That is verse 15. This really made me think a lot about my life. There are so many things that I struggle with, but God has asked me to walk forward, looking only to Him. Sometimes I don't think that my faith is enough, because I still look back on plans I made for my own life and desire to go back to them. God has put a calling on my life, and while I know that it is the best thing, I think about how I love so much other stuff and would love to have the opportunity to see how that would play out in my life. There are so many times that I find myself staring longingly back, into my past, and for what? To return to a place that God has called me out of? To walk away from His perfect calling on my life?

If Abraham and Sarah had been looking behind them at the land and life that they had left behind, they would have found a reason to return. The NIV says, "they would have had opportunity to return."

"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." They desired something better. They desired the life that God had called them to. The life of foreigners in the land. Think of how perfectly that resembles our lives on the earth - we are foreigners because our permanent dwelling is in heaven - we are only on this earth for a short time, and we need to be looking toward the heavenly country. We need to take our eyes off of the past and direct them towards the heavenly country because otherwise we will find the opportunity to return to something that God has called us out of.

Proverbs 16:9, "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

18...that's right...18

days away from going HOME! and, i just talked with my brother tonight, and he said that he was going to be coming up to the airport with my mom to pick me up! i'm pretty excited about that.

the end of the semester is upon me, and i couldn't be more excited. i'm so close to being DONE with school! i have 3 classes left that are required for my major, but i am taking 4 so that i can stay at full-time status. 1 of my classes is an independent study class, and 1 of them is going to be a DLP class...so i'll only have 2 classes that i have to go to! i'm pretty excited about that!

anyways, i should probably get going...i need to go to bed soon because i have to finish a paper tomorrow - and then i'll only have 2 presentations, 1 paper, and a commentary away from finals - and then it will be the end of the semester and i will be getting on a plane to go home. it will be glorious.

i.can't.wait.

not that far

underneath the stars
just a simple man and wife
somewhere in the dark
his words cut the silent night
"take my hand, for the child
that you carry is God's own
and though it seems the road is long

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for in our arms we'll cherish him
we're not that far from bethlehem

let us celebrate
as the Christmases go by
learn to live our days
with our hearts near to the Child
ever drawn, ever close
to the only love that lasts
and though 2000 years have passed

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far
we're not that far
from bethlehem

~not that far from bethlehem: point of grace



so, in my Bible study this morning, we were talking about ways to keep Christ the focus during this holiday season, and it really struck me. how many times do we say that we're focusing on Christ and living our lives to please Him and then in reality, we're being selfish humans who don't know what it means to truly love and serve God. this is something that i want to make sure i'm focused on this Christmas. instead of focusing on what to get for people, why not completely focus on the Lord and what this day actually signifies? this season is supposed to mark when our Lord put on human skin and come down to earth in order to give His life as the perfect sacrifice for our sins. when thinking about things in this way, things seem to have a better perspective.

well

life as of late has been interesting. things have been pretty busy, and i'm so close to being done with this semester. i'm so ready to go home and spend time with family. i think it is finally setting in that there is a possibility that i won't be going home for an extended period of time after this, and i want to spend time with my family. i love my family and i am really going to miss going home for summers and holidays once i am in my future career.

i have contacted monica about an internship after graduation in may, and i'm pretty excited about that...i should know by february! i'm really excited about this opportunity that she is putting together for those of us graduating from here. it's pretty amazing.

other than that, i have 25 days until i go home for Christmas!!! and only 175 days until i graduate!!! i can't wait to be done. it is going to be an amazing ride for the rest of the semester...and the rest of the year. i can't wait to see what God has planned for me.

now i'm going to go back to listening in my class.

allure

Hosea 2:14 - Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her."

this semester

has been...weird. i guess that would be the correct term for it. i should start at the beginning...

this semester began weird with a friend. she seemed different than she had before, and i couldn't put my finger on it, until something was said - not on purpose, but the statement made me start thinking. i then, with the help of a friend, figured out what it was that had happened with the first friend, and we figured out that she had been lying to us.

this lying has continued all semester, and it has now come to the point where i am seriously concerned for this friend of mine. she is one who used to openly admit and be proud of the fact that she couldn't lie, and now she tries to get us to believe that she can lie and hide things from us.

she told me that if i was getting married, she would weigh her options as to whether or not she would want to come. then, the next day, she told me that she almost ditched me to hang out with a boy. then, a couple days later, she actually said out loud that she always likes someone else more than she likes me, and then when i confronted her about this, she tried to deny that she had said it, except that i heard her say it. she then sent me a text message saying that she was sorry, and she was going to tell me that when we were alone, but if she can say in front of other people that she doesn't like me then she can tell me that she's sorry in front of other people. that's my thinking, so when i got the text from her, i decided to send her a message and tell her how i felt. i didn't bring up anything past because i didn't think that it was necessary to do so.

honestly, i'm tired of this. this friend seems to be frustrated every time she is around me. she doesn't like talking with me, and she doesn't like hanging out with me and every time we do hang out, she has a super short fuse and gets angry at me for nothing.

i'm not okay with friends up and deciding that they don't want to be friends with me anymore. i'm not okay with investing this much time and effort in a friendship and having the other person bail out. i lost my best friend in the last year, and it isn't okay with me. there's no way to know the pain that caused me unless you've experienced that pain yourself, and i don't make friends that easily, and i have really invested too much in this friendship to have it go to crap.

if you happen to read this, you know who you are. and, i'm ready and willing to talk to you, but you have to be the one who brings it up, and you have to be the one to tell me what you have been hiding from me, even though i know. you are in trouble, and i care about you and i want to help you with your problem, but you have to come out and tell me what it is.

32

days from being back in Oregon! i'll be there for just under a month, and i just talked with my boss, and she's got a job for me when i get back! it probably won't be that exciting, but it's an office job, which is better than most people would be getting for the short period of time that they will be home then. and, i love that office. it's pretty amazing. anyways, i'm going to a hockey game tonight with some of the best girls EVER, and then it's back home (to my apartment) where i'll crash into my bed - or maybe the chair in the living room - and watch a Christmas movie because i'm in that kind of mood...eventually i need to steal Christmas music from my roommate because i left all of mine at home.

leaving you with this:

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave


pretty much one of my favorite songs right now.

research

okay, so i'm doing some research for a paper right now, and in my reading, i came across something that i thought i needed to share. the paper i'm researching for is about girls dealing with abandonment trauma because of their fathers being absent in their lives, and the portion of the book i'm reading is the portion about coming to grips with these feelings and allowing God to heal you. here's what it said:

Because God loves me, He is slow to lose patience with me.
Because God loves me, He takes the circumstances of my life and uses them in a constructive way
for my growth.
Because God loves me, He does not treat me as an object to be possessed and manipulated.
Because God loves me, He has no need to impress me with how great and powerful He is because He is
God. Nor does He belittle me as His child in order to show me how important He is.
Because God loves me, He is for me. He wants to see me mature and develop in His love.
Because God loves me, He does not send down His wrath on every little mistake I make of which
there are many.
Because God loves me, He does not keep score of all my sins and then beat me over the head with
them whenever He gets a chance.
Because God loves me, He is deeply grieved when I do not walk in the ways that please Him
because He sees this as evidence that I don't trust Him and love Him as I should.
Because God loves me, He rejoices when I experience His power and strength and stand up under
the pressure of life for His name's sake.
Because God loves me, He keeps working patiently with me even when I feel like giving up and
can't see why He doesn't give up with me, too.
Because God loves me, He keeps on trusting me when at times I don't even trust myself.
Because God loves me, He never says there is no hope for me, rather, He patiently works with
me, loves me, and disciplines me in such a way that it is hard for me to understand the
depth of His concern for me.
Because God loves me, He never forsakes me even though many of my friends might.




if you want the title of the book, leave a comment and i'll do my best to get it to you.

break my heart

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

i see the King of Glory
coming on the clouds with fire
the whole earth shakes
the whole earth shakes

i see His love and mercy
washing over all our sin
the people sing
the people sing

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

i see a generation
rising up to take their place
with selfless faith
with selfless faith

i see a near revival
stirring as we pray and seek
we're on our knees
we're on our knees

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything i am for Your Kingdom's cause
as i go from earth in to eternity

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

the more i seek You
the more i find You

the more i find You
the more i love You

i wanna sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lay back against You and breathe
feel Your heart beat

this love is so deep
it's more than i can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming

my heart cannot see
when i only look at me
my soul cannot hear
when i only think of my own fears
they are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
why did i run away from You
why can't i speak Your name



i feel like i've been wandering lately. i feel like i've been looking at me. why do i continue to do this? why do i continue to focus on me instead of God? why? especially when i'm taking so many Bible and ministry classes...when i know that i am called by God to serve Him?

i'm finding myself at a loss for words...

and the funny thing is, it's okay.

God has been showing me a lot about dependence upon Him right now. i can't believe how much He is continuing to teach me on a daily basis. right now, i'm studying about His love, and it never ceases to amaze me that He would love me the way that He does.

i'm studying this for an assignment for a class, and through this assignment i'm learning so much about myself. it's pretty crazy. sometimes i feel like i'm reading books that were written especially for me, but i know that they aren't.

anyways, life overall is good. i'm keeping really busy with my classes, but i like them all. i love a couple of them, but a couple of them are ones that i'm just trying to get through. anyways, i should probably go and do some homework...or go to bed early and get a lot of sleep...

i never knew death could be so sweet
i never knew surrender could feel so free
i've never seen such meekness and majesty
that the blood of Jesus was bled for me

and now i'll sing freedom for all of my days
it's only by the power of the cross i'm raised
the King of Glory rescued me

how beautiful the blood flow
how merciful the love shown
the King of Glory poured out
victorious are we now

i never knew these nails would love unfold
i never knew these wounds would heal my soul
i've never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
the blood of Jesus was bled for me

and now i'll sing freedom for all of my days
it's only by the power of the cross i'm raised
the King of Glory rescued me

how beautiful the blood flow
how merciful the love shown
the King of Glory poured out
victorious are we now









everyone needs compassion
a love that's never failing
let mercy fall on me

everyone needs forgiveness
the kindness of a Savior
the Hope of nations

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

so take me as you find me
all my fears and failures
and fill my life again

i give my life to follow
everything i believe in
now i surrender (i surrender)

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

so, shine your light and let the whole world see
we're singing for the glory of the Risen King, Jesus
shine your light and let the whole world see
we're singing for the glory of the Risen King

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

this week is pretty crazy. seriously. today, i spent 4.5 hours working at trbc for hours for my 403 class, and then i went to the w. min. lounge, and read until BIBL 350 where Dr. Fink called me a sinner because i didn't bring my concordance to class with me today. then, i got an email from amber asking if i would be able to help with the event thursday night at trbc, and i worked it out so i can, and on top of all of that, i was out of town this past weekend and the weekend before, and i need to make up homework, but i know that all of that will get done - it is just a matter of buckling down and doing the work. so, i'm going to get off of here and try and finish some of the work.

i'm not going back, i'm moving ahead. i'm here to declare to You, "my past is over". in You, old things are made new. surrendered my life to Christ, i'm moving...moving forward.

distant and broken
words left unspoken
divided yet we're the same

bitter and lonely
words that are spoken
divide us all in Your Name

together we can sing this song to You
in harmony united by the truth

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

You are the Father
Son and the Spirit
yet You are only one

together we can sing this song anew
united by Your Spirit in Your Truth

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

~written by lauren boyd



seriously, i LOVE this song - it speaks true of what is completely necessary in the church today - getting rid of the things that separate us from each other - we need to be giving ourselves away to help the people around us - we need to allow God to heal us so that we don't cause strife in the midst of the Body of Christ - we need to do everything we can to heal the broken Body of Christ - we need to help heal the hurting people around us.

so, as i sit on a friend's bed and do my homework for BIBL 425, this song pops into my head, and i can't seem to get it out. so, i end up getting distracted by this song, and then realize that it must be the Lord interrupting my thoughts. this song is one that i love, but don't listen to often because of how it can convict. it kind of goes along with the homework that i've been doing about salvation and justification, and it's just a couple lines running through my head. sometimes i love the way that God speaks to me.



i sit here and question why my God loves me
though i have never done a good thing
or a righteous deed
and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor
crying over earthly things i know i can't afford
but He who died is greater than these
i should be thankful
praying on my knees, crying
Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace
o, my King of kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me



okay, so that's more of the lyrics than were going through my head, but it seemed so weird to not have the whole first portion of the song on here.

so, i'm going to attempt to make sense of something that i've had rolling around in my mind for a few weeks now. i realize now that i should have written it down somewhere sooner, but things got so hectic and busy, and it got pushed to the back burner. (when i'm done with this, i might give an update on my life, but i'm thinking that this might be it for tonight.)

okay, so my pastor at home has been talking about peter and how Jesus was preparing him to be the rock of the church. it's pretty amazing how things in peter's life pan out and everything. i sometimes wonder at how Jesus was so patient with peter through all of his mistakes and everything. seriously amazing. okay, to what i'm going to try and focus on - give me a second...i have to go find the notes really quick.

okay, i'm back. i found the notes which is a good thing because my mind is seriously going in about a hundred different directions right now, and the baby in the apartment above me is crying again.

okay, enough with distractions, on to what i came here to write about today.

Looking at John 21:1-23. This is the passage in which Jesus asks peter multiple times "do you love Me?" now, i haven't always understood the implications of these verses, but when my pastor was speaking about this a couple weeks ago, it all started to make sense. looking at this passage in context, peter had already denied Jesus 3 times, and then Jesus was dead. or so peter thought. this was something that Peter hadn't been anticipating. he had thought Jesus had come to bring in His Kingdom. He was supposed to win and become king, He wasn't supposed to die. so, looking at it this way, peter had to have been discouraged. he had to have just wanted to give up. i know that every person thinks that way sometimes. i get that way sometimes. thinking that it would be so much easier to give up than to keep going. peter started this passage with the statement to a few of the other disciples, "i am going fishing." and the others said that they would go with him. when day was breaking, they had caught nothing. this had happened before, and Jesus had performed a miracle and they had believed in Him. the disciples in the boat this time had to have remembered that time when Jesus had given them an amazing catch of fish, but they were discouraged. Jesus was gone, and He hadn't brought in His Kingdom, and they thought that maybe they could just go back to fishing, because they were good at that. then, there was a man on the shore who called out to them - "children, do you have any fish?" and they said no. the man on the shore then told them to cast the net on the other side of the boat. now, as fishermen, they would have known that it didn't matter which side of the boat the net was on in order to catch fish, but they did it anyways. they ended up catching so many fish that they couldn't bring the net into the boat. it was then that john said to peter "it is the Lord!" peter was so excited that he put on his outer garment and jumped into the sea and swam to shore. he was so excited to be with the Lord. this was what he wanted - to be with the Lord. he didn't want to be a fisherman, but he had been at the point of giving up. he had been told previously of his betrayal and of his forgiveness and of how he would need to take his experience and strengthen the bretheren, but he had been ready to give it all up and go back to fishing. after the others got to shore, they had breakfast with Jesus. it was then that Jesus and peter took a little walk. Jesus started asking peter questions. when Jesus asks peter "do you love me more than these?" he was talking about the fish. asking peter if he loved the Lord more than fish, but the form of love Jesus was using was agape love. in peter's response, he used phileo love (brotherly love), pretty much telling Jesus that he had warm affection for him. then Jesus asks him again using the word for agape love again, and again, peter uses phileo love. then, when Jesus asks the third time "do you love me?", He used phileo love. peter was grieved because he had failed before. he had gotten confident and was grieving because he knew that he could never love his Lord the way that he was loved. peter was broken, honest, and genuine - afraid to ever boast again - he had failed miserably the last time he boasted and now didn't want to boast. he stood before the Lord a broken man, but he kept going after he had been challenged by Jesus. Jesus then proceeded to tell peter that even though he had failed, he would bring glory to God through his life if he followed Jesus and didn't worry about anyone else.


okay, so i know that that last paragraph is a lot of information, and kind of word vomit, but let me just put it into my own thoughts (that was all pretty much from my notes). peter failed. Jesus forgave. peter gave up. Jesus challenged. peter rose again and glorified God.

even when we fail, we can return and glorify God in our lives. isn't that amazing?

apparently

i haven't written in here in a while. i've been busy. life gets busy when you're living in the real world - not like it's not busy when you're going to school full time. i'm leaving soon to go back to school, and i'm pretty excited about that. i think that this year is going to be a good year - scary, but good. i'm done with school in may, and i have absolutely no idea as to what i am going to do when i graduate, but i'm excited about being done, and i know that God will show me what He wants me to do when i finish.

i'll try to write something more later - i'm super tired, and i have to get up and make coffee for other people in the morning. hopefully i can get a nap in sometime in the afternoon!

okay, so i've been studying the book of hosea recently, and i am constantly in awe of how God worked in that book. it amazes me that He would ask someone to marry a prostitute and then continually have to buy her back from other lovers. it paints an amazing picture, but at the same time, you wonder how we can keep doing this to God.

i'm gonna write a study on this eventually - when i start getting things written, i'll probably post some of it on here.

so, tonight while i was sitting in church, i thought of a new Bible study series that i would love to write, and i think i'm going to start on it this summer. i want to write on hosea - about the ways that God loves us, even though we stray from Him - even though sometimes we willingly walk away. He knew all of this ahead of time, and yet, He still chooses to love us. it still amazes me.

tonight

okay, so i just saw that i haven't written in here in forever, but things got busy. all of that seems so trivial right now. i'm sitting in the hospital right now - surrounded by my family. my grandpa got an inoperable brain aneurism at three in the morning, and is now in a coma. the doctors don't think that he's going to make it through the night. i have to admit, i wasn't ready to let him go. i wanted one more conversation with him. i wanted to hug him one more time. the last time i saw him was back in january. i didn't think it was the last time. i know he's ready to go. he'll be so much more comfortable there than he is here. i just wish it wasn't this soon.

pretty much how i feel sometimes...

i was so unique, now i feel skin deep
count on the makeup to cover it all
crying myself to sleep 'cause i cannot keep their attention
thought i could be strong but it's killing me
does someone hear my cry? i'm dying for new life

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside my heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love and beautiful

sometimes i wish i was someone other than me
fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing
won't You help me back to glory?

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside me heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love

You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe
You look inside my heart and i am amazed
i love to hear You say who i am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

so, i think i'm going to be making another change in my life. i'm not completely positive yet, but i think i'll know for sure when i talk to one of my teachers tomorrow. i'm pretty excited about the possibility of this. i think that's it for now.

every morning i have a chance to rise and give my all
but every afternoon i find i have only wasted time
in light of Your awe.

thinking...

i sit here and question why my God loves me. though i have never done a good thing, or a righteous deed. and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor, crying over earthly things i know i can't afford but He who died is greater than these i should be thankful, praying on my knees crying Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me.

now i never claimed to be any more than i am, any more than i seem. in fact, i bill myself so much less than i am, so much less than He sees, so may i hold out with an open hand this frail life of mine and pray that You make it stand, most Holy God, it's all i need to say that i'm thankful, i can believe in the Alpha and omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me. All Consuming Fire burn in me.





pretty much, the first phrase of the first verse of this song is how i feel at the moment. jennifer knapp never ceases to make me think about the things in my life that need changing.

maybe repetitive, but maybe not...we shall see...

okay, so i just read the last thing i posted on here and realized that it had something to do with breathing, and that is definitely what i was going to post about now. i think i'm going to anyways. as you read below, breathing is very important to me, not that it isn't important to everyone, but for me, not a day goes by when i don't think about breathing at least twice a day when i'm taking my meds.

i'm getting a cold, and since i was diagnosed with asthma, my colds always settle in my chest. it's just a way of life that i am still trying to get used to. because the cold is settling in my chest, it impairs my breathing. i guess i didn't really notice it until i tried to walk up a ton of stairs really fast. now, anyone with asthma will tell you that doing that is a bad idea even if you don't have a chest cold, but i was running late, so i tried to hurry. i'm pretty sure i ended up being later to my class than i would have if i had just slowed down a little bit. when i got to the top of the stairs, i seriously almost fainted. (this isn't something i want a few of my friends to know for a few days). i had to sit down right away and start drinking some of the ginger ale that i happened to have, and then i got extremely hot. a few minutes later, i got extremely cold, and hardcore wanted to be in a dry sauna or something just so that i would be warm.

i don't know how this all relates together, and i don't think i'm going to try and make it relate together, but that episode started making me think about the things in life that are so taken for granted. sometimes, i take for granted the fact that i am going to have another day to complete the tasks that God has given me, sometimes i take for granted that i am going to be safe, sometimes i take my friends for granted. the last one is something that i think about more often now that i am 3000 miles away from childhood friends, and back in the presence of friends i was away from for 7 months, but it is that first one that scares me. i should not think that just because i've been given a large task by God that i am going to have all the time in the world to complete it. i should try and accomplish the things that He gives me faster than i complete things for myself. now, i know that everything in my life has been given to me from God, but i am talking about more specific things - things i like to call God moments. moments where you know that the King of kings is speaking into your heart and asking you to do something for Him that shows Him how much you love Him, or shows Him that you will be obedient to Him whenever He asks.

there is something in my life that i know needs to be cut out, but for some reason, i can't seem to do it. when i was thinking about that today, i realized that i can't do it because i think that i can cut it out when i get older. who knows if i am actually going to wake up in the morning? who knows if tomorrow is a day in which i can get something accomplished or if it is a day when my life will be threatened and i will be so seriously injured that i cannot then accomplish the tasks that i have been given by the Lord.

backwards...

today, i've felt the amazingness of conviction.

to begin, i have asthma. now, you might think, "how does that convict you?" somehow, i hope to show you my connecting thoughts in the next couple paragraphs.

the air all over the world is in a constant state of change, but i don't seem to notice it as much when i'm in oregon. here, in virginia, i notice it quite a bit. most people notice when their skin feels sticky or dry, but i notice when my lungs hurt or something along those lines. today, i haven't been breathing well. i can usually tell by the way that i am sitting if i am getting enough oxygen or not, and i definitely haven't been getting enough oxygen today. when i tried to breathe better, it made me cough and have to use my inhaler. i realized how dependent i am upon my inhaler. i couldn't find it right at first and i thought i was going to have to come home and get a different one. there was a little panic in me when i couldn't find it right away which made my breathing even worse.

later this evening, a song got stuck in my head. the first couple lines say, "this is the air i breathe, this is the air i breathe, Your Holy presence living in me", and i started to think about how important breathing became in my life almost 2 years ago. now, breathing is always important, but to me, it's not something i take for granted because there are so many days when it does not come easily for me. then i started thinking about how a lot of the time, God can get pushed to the back of my mind during the day because i think i am too busy for Him. i think that i have too much to do, so i don't have the time to pray. isn't God supposed to be the most important thing in my life? and yet, when i have to search for Him in the depths of my heart, there is no panic, and yet, when i couldn't find my inhaler, there was serious panic. something seems a little bit backwards there.

i've been so convicted today that i need to be making God the top priority in my life and not allowing myself to take His presence in my life for granted.








okay, so i'm sorry if the above makes no sense to you...i've got a migraine and i should be sleeping, but i needed to get this out. i'm going to close my computer now and try and sleep off the migraine. i hope it's gone tomorrow.

i sit here today convicted. convicted of who i have become, and yet the fact of what i have a passion for in my life. convicted that i want others to be so much better than i am. convicted that i expect so much more from other people that i expect from myself. this semester is going to be interesting as i take this journey into myself as well as work on writing studies that will impact the lives of others. i know that it is a good thing, but at the same time, it's not a comforting feeling. sometimes it feels better to not completely understand the things in life, but i know that it will all be so much better when i am walking where i should be. when i am allowing God to be in the place He should be in my life. when i am in a state of total surrender to the Lord.

broken is where i need to be.

oh, life...

okay, so i kinda forgot about this thing. school is going well. i'm taking a lot of classes, and at times it's a little overwhelming, but life does go on. i'm working at subway still, but i'm looking for another job because i really hate it there. it's not fun anymore. i want to work somewhere with kids because i love kids.

i was realizing that i really need to start thinking about what i want to do after i graduate. i know of an opportunity to work for my favorite teacher and go to seminary for free, but i don't know if i want to do seminary, but at the same time i think it could be really cool. or maybe i should try to get a full-time job on campus and go for my master's degree, or maybe i should go and find a real job and start my life in the real world. i'm seriously at a loss for what to do right now.

anyways, kim is on her way to come and pick me up. i should probably get going and pack up my stuff before she gets here.

i hope life for you is going well! mine is pretty good right now, minus the stress of not knowing what to do after graduation...

back in the saddle again...

so, i'm back in l-burg, getting ready to start my 2nd to last semester of college. i'm pretty excited to see what this new semester has in store for me. i have 1 class tomorrow, and then i've got 4 on tuesday and those same 4 on thursday, and nothing on wednesday and friday. it's gonna be a good week. my birthday is on thursday, and we're gonna have a sleepover from friday to saturday which i'm pretty stinkin excited about. we're gonna play games and stay up late and have chili cheese dip.

i'm continuing to learn things about who i am and where God wants me to be. i really want to start looking at larger churches to see if there's one that has a paid women's ministries position and then do something with my actual degree on the side. that's really what i'm leaning towards right now. i just need to figure out how to start looking into finding this job that i want.

other than that, i'm looking for a new job, and i'm gonna start working at subway in a week or so if i don't get a job. when i start working kind of depends on my refund status stuff. i've still got a couple things to work out.

anyways, i'm watching friends right now with emily. i should probably get going. i'm gonna try to keep this updated a lot more this year. i haven't been so great at updating this, but then again, i'm not exactly sure who reads this, so i guess it isn't a huge deal. and, to you, my blog reader, if you are there, i hope you have a wonderful week this week.

it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas

seriously.

i guess it sometimes takes a while to hit me. i'm at home now, and i'm looking at the decorations that have been up for a couple weeks now, and i'm thinking "wow...it's finally starting to feel like Christmas to me." i'm needing to start my shopping and make sure i get all of that done before it's too late! now, in my defense, i've been super busy this year. i've been working 2 jobs and doing full-time online classes, but things are starting to wind down for me now, and i'm getting time to think about the things i've been able to do and the things i haven't, and let me tell you, the list of things i haven't gotten done is much longer than the list of things that i have gotten done. it's kind of crazy to think about.

i'm leaving here in just over 3 weeks, and i've gotten nothing ready to go yet...i'm so totally unprepared to leave, and yet, i can't wait to go. it's gonna be a great reunion with friends when i get there! well, i need to get going and finish my school work...i've just got 2 more tests and a set of essay questions to turn in, and then i'm done until next month! and, i'll be one month closer to being completely done with school! i'm super excited about that, but at the same time, i'm really scared to be done with school...it's kind of the fear of the unknown, i guess. well, now i really need to go. i hope that you, my reader, have a great day, and i'm taking the time right now to wish you a merry Christmas because i don't know when i'll be writing in here again...i'm not so great at keeping up with this thing.

the right place

this is kind of inspired by something someone close to me wrote recently. you know who you are...i think

i was talking with my mom the other night, and we were talking about my life over the past several months. i stayed at home for a semester to work and take online classes. while i was home, i learned some valuable lessons about who i am, and about my relationship with God. one thing i learned was that even when we don't deserve something, God can choose to bless us.

a little background to that: i recently changed my major, and for my new major, i have to have an internship. i was told that you need to start applying for internships at least 2 semesters before you want to be doing it. smart person i am didn't apply for any internships. for some reason, i thought that i would apply later, and i kept saying that to myself. then, all of a sudden, it was october, and i hadn't applied for an internship, and i wanted to be starting my internship in june. this was no good. through some random connections i have, i ended up with an interview on october 31, and i was pretty excited about that. then, i showed up for the interview-ish thing, and quickly got discouraged. they were looking for someone who needed an internship right away, and they didn't need anyone over the summer. great. then, the lady i was talking with got an idea and went into the other room and came back with someone else. this other person needed an intern for the summer and was super happy to be meeting with me. and, a couple short weeks later, i was handed a job description, and i have the internship starting in may.

so, as my mom and i were talking, she brought out this book that she used when talking with my brother at one point, and she showed it to me. the circumstances surrounding my decision to stay at home probably weren't the best things in the world, but i know that this is where i was supposed to be for this school term. here's an excerpt from what my mom showed me earlier tonight:

"Thank You that You have me in the place You want me just now...that even if I got here through wrong choices of indifference or even rebellion, yet You knew my mistakes and sins before I ever existed, and You worked them into Your plan to draw me to Yourself, to mold and bless me, and to bless others through me.

Thank You that I can safely commit my location and situation to You. I can 'be willing for you to shift me anywhere on life's checkerboard, or bury me anywhere in life's garden, gladly yielding myself for You to please Yourself with, anywhere and anyway You choose' (source unknown)

So I rest in the fact that You have me in this place for this day, and I praise You that You will faithfully guide me throughout life to just where You want me to be, as I seek to do Your will.

And most important of all is my place in You. How delighted I am to have You as my dwelling place where I can settle down, feel secure and be content anywhere on earth...You are my blessed home, 'where I can enter and be at rest even when all around and above is a sea of trouble' (Andrew Murray). How my soul delights to hide in the secret of Your presence...to take refuge in the shadow of Your wings, to eat at Your table, to drink my fill of the river of Your delights. How blessed I am, my King and my God, for You have chosen me, and brought me near, to live in Your presence, to behold Your delightfulness, to seek Your counsel...And to think that I will dwell in Your house forever!"


this is something i was thinking about...if i hadn't stayed at home, i wouldn't have this amazing internship opportunity in a Christian environment with people that i enjoy being around working for a cause that i believe in.

and, although i didn't understand being torn away from the friends that had come to be a part of my daily life from september through may, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. i'm seriously so excited to be heading back to that side of the country in just over a month.

right now, something is confusing me a lot. i don't know what i should do about it, and i'm hoping that it doesn't come up before i'm 3,000 miles away listening to my friends call someone their future friend-in-law...because that makes me laugh...and it doesn't make my head hurt from listening to them...thinking about what's going on right now in my life makes my head hurt a lot, and i don't like it at all. it's kind of bittersweet...

here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

who holds your heart?

so, i read a bumper sticker this weekend, and it said, "Dear heart, I met a boy today. Prepare to shatter."

now, in the world's eyes, this might be kind of funny, but it started making me think. are we, as humans, supposed to trust our hearts in the hands of other humans who can damage them? i know that when you are in a relationship and everything, you're going to trust that person with everything that you are, but just in general, i was really thinking about myself, i guess. i've completely given my heart to God to hold. He is the only One who has the right to in my opinion. He is the only One who isn't going to crush you or damage you, so the seat of your emotions should be rooted in Him, not in some boy or girl that you may have met recently.

i know that when you're married or in a deeply committed relationship things are going to be different. you can give that person the key to your heart.

i guess i've also been challenged by a hymn recently. the end of the last verse says, "here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above." and i truly believe that God should be the One who has our hearts in His more than capable hands. when you give your life over to Him, you are giving Him your everything, and i believe that something as simple as your heart should be in His hands instead of in the hands of another fallen human being. i believe that there would be a lot less heartache if we were to leave our hearts in the hands of their Creator and trust Him to care for them instead of trusting someone who is no better at life than we are.






okay, so i don't really know if that last post made sense to you as a reader, but it was a random thought that i had to get out, and i didn't really know where else to put it, so i thought here was a good place. and, in case you don't know and want to know, the name of the hymn i referenced earlier in the post is "Come, Thou Fount".

falling in love with these verses...

Christ's love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do. Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own. Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you. How? you ask. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God.


2 Corinthians 5:14-21 (The Message)

life is a bit better now than it was a few weeks ago...i think i'm starting to get a hang of this whole staying at home for a semester thing...well, i should probably get back downstairs...i'm making dinner...nachos...yum!

i'm singing this today...

break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before You. when You meet me here i am found, in all my weakness. my gifts alone can't amke a sound, that You are pleased with. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.

Holy Father uncover me. You, the truth that set me free. break my pride 'till all i see, is all of You uncovering me.

Your gaze has brought me to my knees. Lord, i am broken. my heart alone is all You see, exposed and open. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.

Holy Father uncover me. You, the truth that set me free. break my pride 'till all i see, is all of You uncovering me.

break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.




title: uncover
sung by: liberty university campus praise band

okay, not a lot has happened in the last month...i just realized that i hadn't posted on here in a month and decided to give whatever readers i have a little note to say that i'm still alive!

i'm working at the courthouse athletic club in the kids court and at the salem academy preschool and daycare (yeah...that's right...2 different jobs...but both dealing with children).

so far i like both of my jobs which is nice. i LOVE working at the courthouse, and i just started at salem academy, so i'm not quite sure how that one is gonna go. well, i'm super hungry, and i have to post something on blackboard for my english class. i hope you all have a wonderful day!

so i didn't end up leaving. i'm home this semester to pay off some debt...and then go back in january. that's all for now...i think...

colbie caillat

amazing music
























































i'm leaving home in 2 weeks







































































































and i don't think i'm ready.

So, I just have to say that I love iTunes single of the week. This week is the song bubbly by colbie caillat, and I’m seriously falling in love with this song…so, I went to target last night and bought her cd. It’s definitely one that you’re gonna want to pick up, and right now, it’s only 7.98 at target. Here’s the lyrics to bubbly:

I’ve been awake for a while now
You’ve got me feeling like a child now
‘Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile please stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go

The rain is falling on my windowpane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile please stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go

But what am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just… mmmmmmmm

And it starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile please stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go

I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
‘Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I’m comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul and I lose all control
When you kiss my nose the feeling shows
‘Cause you make me smile, baby, just take your time now
Holding me tight

Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
Wherever, wherever, wherever you go

...

i watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the pacific and
you might think i'm losing my mind
but i will shy away from the specifics

'cause i don't want you to know where i am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest place it's ever been

this is no place to try and live my life

stop right there. that's exactly where i lost it.
see that line. well i never should have crossed it.
stop right there. well i never should have said
that it's the very moment that
i wish that i could take back

i'm sorry for the person i became
i'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
i'm ready to be sure i never become that way again
'cause who i am hates who i've been
who i am hates who i've been

i talked to absolutely no one
couldn't keep to myself enough
and the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that i'll soon blow up

i heard the reverberating footsteps
synching up to the beating of my heart
and i was positive that unless i got myself together,
i would watch me fall apart

and i can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest place it's ever been

this is no place to try and live my life

stop right there. that's exactly where i lost it.
see that line. well i never should have crossed it.
stop right there. well i never should have said
that it's the very moment that
i wish that i could take back

stop right there. that's exactly where i lost it.
see that line. well i never should have crossed it.
stop right there. well i never should have said
that it's the very moment that
i wish that i could take back

i'm sorry for the person i became
i'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
i'm ready to be sure i never become that way again
'cause who i am hates who i've been
who i am hates who i've been

who i am hates who i've been
and who i am will take the second chance you gave me
who i am hates who i've been
'cause who i've been only ever made me

so sorry for the person i became
so sorry that it took so long for me to change
i'm ready to be sure i never become that way again
'cause who i am hates who i've been
who i am hates who i've been

oh, life

it's fairly interesting right now. i'm working my 2 jobs for the summer and keeping pretty busy with them...i need to try and talk with my manager and see about getting some more hours because i definitely need more hours.

today, i went out to my car to drive to work and i saw that my rear driver side tire was seriously almost flat. joy. so, i had to go to a gas station before i left for work...which, i was already running late. so, i called around and got quotes for fixing my tires, and i ended up spending about $100 for 2 new tires...and apparantly that tire just decided to be low this morning. there wasn't anything wrong with it.

and, tomorrow, i get to go spend a lot more money on getting new axles and cv boots for my car. i'm hoping that it's only one of them that needs to be fixed and not both...because then it will be a whole heck of a lot cheaper.

anyways, i should probably get going...i need to run a couple errands before i go to amy and nathan's to get my hair cut. that's right, i'm getting a hair cut...and it's going to be fairly short because my hair is pretty damaged right now. gotta go!

i feel

stuck...and i don't know how to get out. that's all for now. i think.

life...or something like it

so, i'm in iowa right now, and i'm leaving early tomorrow morning. me and emily are driving to omaha late tonight/early tomorrow morning, and i'm gonna be getting on a plane and flying home. it's kinda weird to think about...all i really want to do right now is head back to lynchburg and go to my apartment and be home there, but i've got time at home before i can go back out there. it's gonna be amazing summer and i'm excited for it...i'm just ready to be back in my apartment in lynchburg. anyways, i should probably get going. i'll maybe write more this summer.

it's a beautiful life

well, this is a bittersweet time of the year. classes are done today and tomorrow, and then finals are starting on friday. i'm looking forward to being home for the summer, but i'm also going to be missing out on living in my apartment for the first 2 months that we have it. i have a lot to do at home, and while i have a job, i need to find another one so that i can afford to do the drive across the country and pay to fix my car and pay my mom back for what she fixed in my car. i love the fact that i'm going to be home. i can't wait to see my friends and spend time with them. this summer is going to be amazing.

i'm in class right now, and i definitely don't want to be, but i haven't done the correct presentation for the class, so i still have to present. the teacher is going through the lesson and then it is going to be my turn.

i'm excited about classes being done and getting to go home, but i'm not so excited about not seeing everyone here for the summer. i hate how things work like that.

and, i'm convinced that emily isn't getting her $50...unless something changes a lot in either me or the other person who needs to be involved for the $50 to come into play.

well, i should probably get going. i think it's about time for me to present my day at the beach for my adult center in my daycare administration class. i don't want to give this presentation, but i don't have any other presentations or assignments for the rest of the semester. all i have to do now is get ready for my finals. joy.

it never ceases to amaze me

when God meets me where i am

i think i might die

seriously. this next week-and-a-half are going to be the death of me. i don't know how much more of this "all-nighter" crap i can take before i break down...and then with people adding things onto what's required of me this week, i think i'm about to crack. my marketing group isn't that happy with me right now, and then there's all of the other things that i have to do, and i just don't know what to do about it all. it's not like i can just not show up to work...that wouldn't be okay, and then they want me to put the marketing assignment above everything else, but that just isn't going to happen...my marketing grade definitely isn't the most important grade to me. i'd rather be doing well in the classes that actually mean something to me in my future...aka my family and child development classes and my women's ministries class. okay, i need to get back to work on my project that's due in about 15 hours...i still have a lot left to do. i hope you all are having a better end to your semester than i am.
































life is good...ETERNAL LIFE IS BETTER!!!

why

do i have to be a girl? sometimes i wonder if it is really worth it...

*sigh*

i sit here on my bed wondering exactly why i am up at this moment. i would love to be asleep right now, but for some reason, i'm not. i was up under the pretense of needing to call a few people at home, and the time difference makes it so that the best time to call them is when it is super late here...and i'm okay with that, but i've called all of the people i needed to call, and yet, i haven't gone to bed. i was thinking that i would read some more for my women's ministries class, but i'm not reading, i'm listening to music and surfing the internet, and what for, really? it's not like this is something that is going to benefit me at all...ever, and yet, i can't really seem to get myself to go to bed right now...even though i have to be up in 5 hours to get ready for my first class. it's going to be a rough morning...

i'm looking forward to the summer. i'm going to be home, and i'm pretty excited about that. i'm also going to be starting to look at internships for next summer because i need to start doing that. i don't even know what to do for an internship...seriously...it's going to be interesting trying to find something for what i want to do.

anyways, i should probably go and actually read some for women's ministries since that form is due on thursday and i still have a lot to read for it.

hunger

lately, i've been so hungry for God's Word recently. it's not like i'm even reading through a really exciting part of the Bible right now...i mean, i'm reading through Leviticus...definitely not the most exciting book to read through...but for some reason, i haven't been able to put the book down. i feel like there's so much here that i'm done with. i'm going home to work for the summer, and then i'm coming back out here and living off campus...getting all situated in my major and getting everything i can in order to start my internship.























































i hope this hunger stays for a while...















































*sigh* i'm falling in love all over again...

blog title

Okay, so you may look at the title of this particular blog entry and think: “wow…that’s original…” well, original isn’t what I’m going for…I’m going for honesty about the title of my blog site. It says that I am learning to let go. Well, God has really been showing me that letting go of myself is what brings me closer to Him. Allowing Him to take control of my life, my plans, my future, my thoughts. I’ve been looking into internships for the summer of 2008, and it’s kind of intimidating, but I know that everything will happen the way that it is supposed to, and I know that God will show me the internship that He has for me. Waiting to see what’s actually going to happen from here is kind of exciting as it is frightening because I don’t like not knowing, but I will know in His timing. It’s going to be an interesting ride.

.come.thou.fount.

Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of God's unchanging love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Hither by Thy help I'm come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

.deeper.higher.longer.wider.

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Your love is
deeper than my view of grace
higher than this worldly place
longer than this road i travel
wider than the gap You filled

deeper than my veiw of grace
higher than this worldly place
longer than this road i travel
wider than the gap You filled

who shall separate us
who shall separate us from Your love
nothing can separate us
nothing can separate us from Your love

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

what have i become?

last night i was listening to my music on my computer, and this song came on that continues to break me. listening to the words just makes me think about my life and where i am right now. the first verse especially. it is "i come into this place burning to receive Your peace i come with my own chains from wars i fought for my own selfish gains. You're my God and my Father i've accepted Your Son but my soul feels so empty now, what have i become?"

over the past couple days that's what i've been thinking. what have i become? it's time for a self-examination. time to let God take away the things that are displeasing to Him. time to really look at my life and get rid of the things that don't need to be there. time to get transparent with the people around me.

i don't know how i got here, but i'm determined not to stay. i'm determined to leave this place in my life. i'm determined to never return to this place again. i'm making a change, and it's for the better.

that's all for now. i think. maybe i'll write more later, but i think now i'm gonna go have lunch with my roommate and a couple other friends.

.don't.let.me.go.

take my heart and help me feel
take my faith and make it real
take my eyes and help me see
all the love surrounding me

don't let me go
hold me close to where You are
don't let me go
take my heart, take all of me

take my loss and take my gain
take my trials and take my pain
take my life and let it be
all that You would have for me

don't let me go
hold me close to where You are
don't let me go
take my heart, take all of me

don't let me go
hold me close to where You are
don't let me go
take my heart, take all of me
don't let me go
take my heart, take all of me

sweet Jesus

sweet Jesus, wash over me
would come and sweep me off of my feet, please
it's been two long weeks since You've heard me speak
and i was hoping that You might like to meet me
i heard You heal the broken hearted
even those who've been discarded
oh how i need You
i need to hear You say
need to hear You say

don't worry now
don't worry how
everything just seems to all work out
would You sing me now to sleep

sweet Jesus, wash over me
would come and sweep me off of my feet, please
it's been far too long since i've sang Your song
and i was hoping that You might like to meet me
i heard You heal the broken hearted
even those who've been discarded
oh how I need You
i need to hear You say
need to hear You say

don't worry now
don't worry how
everything just seems to all work out
would You sing me now to sleep

wow

God is amazing. He continues to show me daily how wonderful life with Him is. i've been told by my advsor that i can graduate in december of 2008, which is pretty exciting. then, i think i'm going to start grad school, and try to finish that asap. i'm not sure what i'm going to do after i graduate, or where i'm going to go, but i know that that will come in time. even though things are up in the air, which i hate, i am going to just trust God and see where He leads me. i now also have to figure out where i'm going to do my internship in the summer of 2008 if i really do want to graduate in december of that year, but that will all come in time. i've got to get some stuff done here before then also. anyways, i'm leaving for work soon.

and, what about you, my blog reader, what is God showing you today?

i've decided

that migraines, while you're a student, are possibly the worst thing ever. i've had one for 2 days now, and i'm thinking that it's insane that one will hold on for this long. my eyes hurt so bad that i'm wearing my glasses, but i can't find the ones that will actually correct the problem that i'm having with my eyes right now because my dorm room is such a mess. i need to make sure to take something before i go to work tonight.

why

is letting go of the things of this world so hard, and yet, i seem to let go of the things of God so easily? i know that i can't live without God, and i don't even want to try, but the things of this world are so enticing that i just can't give them up. for instance, the other day, my roommate and i went shopping for something for her, and i ended up getting a pair of shoes. now, getting a pair of shoes isn't a bad thing, but at the same time, how many pairs of shoes do i own? do i really need to buy myself another pair of shoes? the answer to the first question, i couldn't answer...i have a lot of shoes here, and a lot that i left at home. the answer to the next question is a definite no. there is no way on this earth that i needed to buy myself a new pair of shoes, but i did, and i love them. do i ever get that way about reading my Bible? or how about going to church? does that ever become something that i am so consumed about that makes me want to do absolutely nothing else?

just something to think about.

i'm hungry for God's Word right now.

.can.you.hear.it.?.

trees of life are blooming ..Your word plants the seed..and we see it growing..Your kindness leading to repentance..we see traces of deliverance..Lord, thank You for mercy..oh, can you hear it?..it’s the song of the redeemed..the pursuit of passion for the One who set us free..oh can you hear it?..we’re crying out for more..so listen to our song..it’s turning into a holy roar..a holy roar..rivers of renewal..spirit whisper a revival..and send us rushing..lord send us rushing..oh, can you hear it?..it’s the song of the redeemed..the pursuit of passion for the One who set us free..oh can you hear it?..we’re crying out for more..so listen to our song..it’s turning into a holy roar..a holy roar..open hearts with hopes of unity..we’re servants to love in lost humanity..Lord send us reaching..and we come rejoicing and singing and crying out to You Lord..can You hear the holy roar..as we respond to Who You are and all that You have done..Lord with our lives, with all that we are..we return to You, Oh God..You are holy God..we lay down our lives, our songs, these tears, Lord..can You hear the holy roar? these cries, these prayers..can You hear the holy roar?..still hear the holy roar

.here.now.

here i am once again
i pour out my heart
for i know that You hear
every cry, You are listening
no matter what state
my heart is in
You are faithful to answer
with words that are true
and a hope that is real
as i feel Your touch
You bring a freedom
to all that's within
in the safety of this place
i'm longing to
pour out my heart
to say that i love You
pour out my heart
to say that i need You
pour out my heart
to say that i'm thankful
pour out my heart
to say that You're wonderful

here i am
humbled by Your majesty
covered by Your grace so free
here i stand
knowing i'm a sinful man
covered by the blood of the lamb
now i've found
the greatest love of all is mine
since You laid down Your life
the greatest sacrifice
singing Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am
empty handed but alive in Your hands
singing Majesty, Majesty
forever i am changed by Your love
in the presence of Your majesty
here i am
humbled by the love that You give
forgiven so that i can forgive
here i stand
knowing that i'm Your desire
sanctified by glory and fire
now i've found
the greatest love of all is mine
since You laid down Your life
the greatest sacrifice
singing Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am
and i'm nothing but alive in Your hands
singing Majesty, Majesty
forever i am changed by Your love
in the beauty of Your majesty

take my heart, i lay it down
at the feet of You who's crowned
take my life, i'm letting go
i lift it up to You who's throwned
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord
take my fret, take my fear
all i have i'm leaving here
be all my hopes, be all my dreams
be all my delights, be my everything
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord
it's just You and me here now
only You and me here now
it's just You and me here now
only You and me here now
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord
and i will worship You Lord
only You Lord

here i am completely amazed by the grace of God. there are no words to describe how amazing it is that He has chosen to use me. little me...it doesn't seem like i can do much for Him, but for some reason He's using me. sometimes i feel so insignificant, and then i remember that i am being used by God. all i can do is tell Him that i am here. ready to be used. ready to praise Him for all that He's done in my life. serving God is one of the most amazing things ever. i hope that everyone gets to experience this at some point in their lives.

life as i know it right now

is insane. it's like i don't have time for anything except for school work, but i refuse to give up my social life. it's insane. seriously.

other than that, i have a couple classes that are pretty easy. my women's ministries class is amazing. i can't wait to have the rest of my classes for that minor. it's going to be a lot of fun. now, i'm going to watch some more prison break because i need to see the things that i missed from the first season, and i need to see the episode that i missed from last week. anyways, i hope you are all having a great week...whoever you are.

unusual...

that's how my life has been lately. it's kind of awkward sometimes, and very, very unusual. but, whatever, life is life and there's nothing i can do about it. today in campus church, we sang several of my favorite songs. here's a summary of them...a few of them will have all of the words:

single minded
whole hearted
one thing i ask
single minded
whole hearted
one thing i ask
that i may gaze upon Your beauty oh Lord
that i may seek Your holy face
that i may know You in an intimate way
and follow after You all of my days
and all of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know You oh Jesus
to make You known
all of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know you oh Jesus
to make You known

a thousand times i've failed
still Your mercy remains
and should i stumble again
i'm caught in Your grace
everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
yeah
Your will above all else
my purpose remains
the art of losing myself
in bringing You praise
everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
yeah
in my heart and my soul
i give You control
consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
become my embrace
to love You from the inside out
everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
and the cry of my heart
is to bring You praise
from the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

all i've got
and all i am
all my dreams
and all my plans
i'm holding back
i'm holding nothing back from You
all i've got
and all i am
all my dreams
and all my plans
i'm holding back
i'm holding nothing back from You
i surrender it all
i lay it before You
for all of my days
i give You the glory
You've caused me to see
my heart is divided
so take all of my
'cause i have decided
all i've got
and all i am
all my dreams
and all my plans
i'm holding back
i'm holding nothing back from You
all i've got
and all i am
all my dreams
and all my plans
i'm holding back
i'm holding nothing back from You

hey

i really miss you...and i don't even know who you are...this is kind of rediculous...i've had this feeling for several days, and i'm ready for it to go away. not that i don't want to miss you, but it is kind of awkward since i haven't even met you yet. seriously.

today was the first day of classes, and we had a 2 hour delay. it was pretty glorious because that meant that i didn't have my 7:50 class, which is amazing. i only have that class 1 time this week. i'm pretty excited about that. tomorrow, i start my day of classes at 9:20, and i end at 4:10. i'm not too happy about the ending time, but what can you do, right? that last class is one that's required for graduation, so why not get it done and over with now? i'm also taking a women's ministry class that i'm pretty excited about. lately i've been thinking more about using my major in ministry somehow, and this should help a lot. after this semester, i'll have taken 2 women's ministry classes (not both at liberty, but who's counting that?). i think it's a good thing. little did i know that some of the classes i took during my really random semester at western would have ended up working out for my major? not me, that's for sure! i was just thinking that those classes were ones i took for fun...they ended up being fairly helpful. anyways, i should probably get going. i don't want to, but i should go to bed now because i have to get up and shower and everything in the morning. i'll probably get up before my alarm goes off because emily is getting up before me. that's okay though. maybe i'll get down to the dining hall and have something to eat because i don't get lunch until after 1:35. anyways, i'm gonna go to bed now.

i've decided

that i really don't want to start classes tomorrow. it's not gonna be fun. especially leaving my dorm when it's still going to be freezing outside. that's gonna be no fun at all. and, it's a full week of classes. i know that it's not gonna be just 3 days and then another weekend, it's actually gonna be a full week of homework assignments and studying and lectures and convo. i just don't think i'm ready for this.

...

at the foot of the cross
where grace and sufferring meet
You have shown me Your love
through the judgement You received
and You've won my heart
yes, You've won my heart
now i can

trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down
at the foot of the cross

at the foot of the cross
where i am made complete
You have given me life
through the death You bore for me
and You've won my heart
yes, You've won my heart
now i can

trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down
at the food of the cross

my friends are AMAZING!

they came over tonight for a taco dinner for my birthday, and they're freaking amazing. first, i should probably start at the beginning of my day: i got up and got ready and then went to see the movie ''freedom writers'' with sarah (she took me for my birthday) and it's pretty good. i liked it a lot. then, cristi called me and she wanted to see if we could watch "our" movie before my party thing, and i was like "sure, it's all good" so i went and picked her up and brought her back to my house where we proceeded to watch "music from another room" (don't judge if you've never seen it. it's kinda cheesy, but a good story). then, those who weren't busy came over for the dinner, and we had a good time talking and just hanging out, and then i opened the presents that they got me. amy and nathan got me shampoo and conditioner from bath and body works (warm vanilla sugar scented), and kari and michael got me body lotion and body wash and a loofa in a cool bag (white jasmine scented), and connie got me a couple pieces of wood and a target gift card. they're really amazing. i love them all. then, we had cake and talked some more and then we watched ''ocean's eleven'' and then everyone went home. now, i'm getting ready to go to bed so that i can get up in the morning and go work at the coffee stand at church (i'll actually probably end up playing with the babies and then making deliveries to our regular customers who work in different sunday school classes).

pretty much...

my mom and my brother are amazing. they got me a new phone for my birthday, and it's freaking amazing. seriously. it's the phone that i've wanted for like a year, and they're amazing. that's all i have to say for now. i love my mom and my brother!

so...

break is almost over, and i'm thinking it's kind of bittersweet. i went out to canyonview yesterday and i visited with shawn and i saw ren, melissa, sherylin, and austin. it was a good time. and tomorrow, i'm gonna head out to western and visit katrina and hopefully see melissa while i'm out there.

this saturday, i'm having a birthday/going away taco dinner with the college age kids from church. it's gonna be a good time. and then, at some point, i'm gonna go out with sarah for a little while.

i'm leaving for school in less than a week, and i'm pretty excited about that. then, there's a couple hockey games next weekend at school, and i'm pretty excited about those. i've missed hockey over the break.

well, i'm gonna get going. i'm watching friends with my mom while she's trying to figure out her new phone. i'm a little bit jealous of her for getting the new phone...it's the phone that i wanted, but i'll end up getting it at some point...probably next month or something.

haha

so, i've realized that i change my web address often enough to deter people from actually reading this because they're not going to be able to keep up with it, but i change it to what i'm feeling at the time. it's not something i do intentionally, but it is something i do. anyways, i just got some of my new stuff in the mail today, and it's pretty glorious. now, i'm just waiting for my suitcases, and i think that's all the new stuff until i get the things for my birthday! it's kind of weird to be home for a month and celebrate both birthday and christmas all in that small period of time, but i do like to be able to be home. my friends and i are going to have a birthday dinner for me a week from friday, and i'm pretty excited for it. other than that, there isn't a lot going on with me here. for some reason, i just felt like i needed to post something.

new year...new beginnings

it's amazing. the prospect of a new year. i know that this year holds so much potential, and i'm ready for whatever it throws at me. i've had some amazing experiences, aliong with some not so amazing experiences, in 2006, and now i'm ready for 2007. and now, to recap the past few days in my life, i went to TLC with my youth group as a leader. it was SO much fun to be able to spend that time with the high school girls from my church there. in case you don't know, TLC stands for "teen leadership conference". it's this conference out at wildhorse canyon (a young life camp) in antelope, oregon, and it's a place for renewal in your spiritual and resources to help you lead in your youth group. it was really cool to sit down and be real with the girls who went on the retreat. it makes me want to find a church in lynchburg that i can get involved in for while i'm at school. i didn't realize how much i missed being able to spend that kind of time with high school girls. i was also able to sit down and be real with some friends who i was catching up with on the trip. it was amazing to spend time with cristi and connie talking about anything and everything under the sun. we haven't done that in so long, and it was great to be able to share struggles and life experiences with each other over those 3 days we were living together. aaaannnndddd i got to catch up with some other friends that i haven't seen in entirely too long (john, craig, elise). the main speaker and the workshop leaders were amazing and i really learned a lot from them. also, kacey's in town until friday, and it's been great getting to spend time with him. i think that this break would have been much sadder if kacey had been in brasil for the whole time i was home. and now to today, i went to church this morning and saw some other people that i hadn't seen since i'd been home, and it was good to see them and kind of catch up with them about how life's been over the past several months. and then i went to a friend's house to play games and bring in the new year with them. anyways, to you, my blog reader, happy new year. may it be the best year of your life to date.


so this is the new year
and i don't feel any different.
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

so this is the new year
and i have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogs bleed into one

i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that could hold us back.

and i'm at a loss for words

*sigh* this time of year never ceases to amaze me. as sad as it is to have everything different this Christmas, i don't think that i would want to change it. God has my entire family where they all need to be. i was talking with my grandma today while she was in town, and she decided that she is going to buy me new luggage for my birthday! and, that may not mean a lot to you, but that's really all i wanted for my birthday. now, i don't mean to say that there aren't other things i wanted at all, but the new luggage was at the top of my list, and i also knew that if i didn't get the other stuff, it wouldn't be a big deal, but the luggage kind of is a big deal, see, one of my suitcases broke on my way home from school, so i kind of needed to replace that one. i knew that God would take care of it, and He definitely did. i'm always amazed at the ways that He choses to reveal Himself around this time of year.

now, i sit here in my room on what would normally be a quiet night, but my house is full of noise. i can hear my mom's tv as she's falling asleep to the sound of whatever's on, and i can hear my brother playing WOW (world of warcraft), and i hear kacey, justin, and daniel catching up on life downstairs and listening to music and just being loud teenage boys. it's great to hear all of these sounds. my house hasn't been this full for a long time.

i like to think that life can't get any better than this.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

so, Christmas this year was different. with the everett family being in brasil, there wasn't much to do on Christmas eve (which is our biggest day of the season). it was just different. i wish that my entire family could have been here, but i know that they are where God wants them to be, and that is better than anything else. Well, to share some of my family's Christmas traditions, yesterday started with going to church (because it was sunday), and i got to see a lot of people i haven't seen since august. it was a good time. then, we came back home for a small lunch of ham sandwiches, and then got everything ready to go to grandpa and monica's for dinner and presents, and then i took a nap. when my mom woke me up, i got the last of my stuff together and we got in the car and went to grandpa and monica's for soup and sandwiches. we then started watching charlotte's web because my grandpa got it for Christmas and he wanted to watch it. then, my mom, jason, uncle dave, and i went to the Christmas eve service at church. after that, we went back to grandpa and monica's to read the Christmas story and open presents. i had an amazing time with my family, and today, kacey got in from brasil...if only the others could have come with him...anyways, what are your Christmas traditions, my blog reader?

i love this song...a lot...

i wonder what it's like tot be loved by you
i wonder what its like to be whole
and i don't walk when there's a stone in my shoe
all i know, that in time i'll be fine

i wonder what it's like to fly so high
or to breathe under the sea
i wonder if someday i'll be good with goodbyes
but i'll be okay if you come along with me

such a long, long way to go
where i'm going i don't know
i'm jsut following the road
for a walk in the sun
for a walk in the sun

i wonder how they put a man on the moom
i wonder what it's like up there
i wonder if you'll ever sing this tune
all i know is the answer's in the air

such a long, long way to go
where i'm going i don't know
i'm just following the road
for a walk in the sun
for a walk in the sun

sitting and watching the world going by
is it true when we die we go up in the sky?
so many things that i don't understand
put my feet in the sand when i'm walking in the sun
walking in the sun

such a long, long way to go
where i'm going i don't know
i'm just following the road
for a walk in the sun
for a walk in the sun, yeah

"walk in the sun" by mcfly



anyways, just thought i'd give a little update on me. i'm home right now, and i'm super excited about it. i'll be home for about a month, and that's pretty much amazing. i'm excited about next semester because i'm starting all new classes that help me towards what i want to do with my life, and i'm excited to see what's in store for me next semester. anyways, i think that's all for now. i might write something on here before school starts again if something noteworthy happens. hope you all have a wonderful christmas season!

it's been a while...

so, it's been a while since i've posted anything on here, so i thought i would. this song is one that i like a lot for christmastime and i thought i'd share it with you.

we're looking for the King, the new Messiah
we're following the star, shining brighter
'old man, won't you help us if you can,'
he shook his head, but he pointed his hand.

there's a new kid in town,
and He's lying in a manger down the road.
there's a new kid in town,
but He's just another baby i suppose,
heaven knows,
there's a new kid in town,
here in bethlehem

i see you've traveled far, bearing treasures
you say these gifts are for the new King's pleasures
i've heard that a King might come
but up 'till now there hasn't been one.

there's a new kid in town,
and He's lying in a manger down the road.
there's a new kid in town,
but He's just another baby i suppose,
heaven knows,
there's a new kid in town,
here in bethlehem.

there's a new kid in town,
and He's lying in a manger down the road.
there' s a new kid in town,
but He's just another baby i suppose,
heaven knows,
there's a new kid in town,
here in bethlehem.

at the zoo...

so, i had this song stuck in my head the entire time i was at the zoo in st. louis with my roomie and her sister, so i thought publishing it on here would be something cool to do. if you don't like it, then stop reading my blog. that's all. here's the song:

someone told me it's all happening at the zoo
i do believe it, i do believe it's true
mmm...mmm...mmm
oh, oh, oh...mmm...mmm...mmm

it's a light and tumbled journey from the east side to the park
just to find a fancy ramble at the zoo
but you can take a crosstown bus if it's raining or it's cold
and animals will love it if you do - if you do now

something tells me it's all happening at the zoo
i do believe it, i do believe it's true
mmm...mmm...mmm
oh, oh, oh...mmm...mmm...mmm

the monkeys stand for honesty
giraffes are insincere
the elephants are kindly but they're dumb
orang utangs are skeptical of changes in their cages
and the zookeeper's very fond of rum

zebras are reactionaries
antelopes are visionaries
pigeons flocked in secrecy
and hamsters turn on frequently
it's a cast you have to come and see
at the zoo - at the zoo - at the zoo - at the zoo - at the zoo

so sad

to be back in lynchburg. no lies, i could have stayed in st. louis for so much longer. i definitely didn't want to come back, but that's the way it goes. now, i just have to get back into the daily swing of things. this weekend was definitely needed. i don't know that i would have made it to thanksgiving break without this time away. it was nice to be away and not think about anything. not have to be anywhere at any specific time or anything like that. and then, the things like going to the zoo and visiting the slu campus were amazing. i'm pretty sure that it is what made the weekend great. well, i should probably go and get ready for work. i have to be there in about an hour.