...

it is interesting when God brings things to mind - they tend to stay put until you can really think everything all the way through and get it all figured out. it is amazing the way that a story you have heard a million times takes your breath away when looked at in a different light. i'm not ready to post what i have been working on yet, but i'll give you a taste of the story that i'm working through...


i'm reposting something that i wrote when i was working in new york. i hope that this makes sense to all of you. i hope you can figure out the story from this post:


So, I have this rock. It's in a shadow box on the wall of my bedroom. It was given to me by one of my favorite people who happens to be one of my favorite teachers from college. It is actually quite the conversation piece - people who go into my room see it almost right away, and then they give me this look like, "Why on earth do you have a rock framed and hanging on your wall?" Well, here is the story of this rock. It isn't just any rock, it is special. It hangs there to remind me.

"They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?" This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.""*

The place in which I work is full of this woman who has been brought forth with accusations. This woman who was disheveled and probably unclean. This woman who knew no other way of life until she encountered Jesus. Why, if I have sinned, should I be able to condemn this woman? This woman is loved by the God of the universe, and He desires a relationship with her.

The rock that I have is to remind me of this. To remind me that I am not without sin, and therefore, I cannot throw the stone. I have been called by God to love this woman and to show her what life can be like after having a wonderful encounter with Him.

Love: "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."**

As I love this woman, I must refer to the things that we are told love is. I am to look at the things that love does, and I am to strive to do that for her. I have to bear her burdens. I have to bear all of the things in life that bring her any form of anxiety. I have to believe for her that healing and restoration are possible. I have to believe for her that she is more than her addiction has led her to be. I have to believe for her that a successful life is possible. I have to believe for her that God loves her and desires a relationship with her. I have to hope with her that redemption is possible. I have to hope with her that change is probable. I have to hope with her that forgiveness is available for her. I have to endure with her the stressful times of just wanting to give up and return to her addiction. I have to endure for myself the anger of when someone says something that hits on a subject that is too close to home. I have to endure the flashbacks with her - the ones where she is again a child enduring the trauma that led to her addiction. I have to endure for her.

This sounds like a tall order for a rock to remind me of, but when I see that little rock on my wall every day, I am brought to my knees in prayer again, because if I walk past it and forget, I will not be strong enough to do all of these things for her. I will be unable to uphold her in her weakness, and then, I will fail her, and that is something that I cannot bear to do to this precious woman of God.

One of the things that she secretly wants to say to the world is, "To you, we are untouchable. You see me only for my behaviors, for my addictions, and to you, that is all I am. But Christ came to love me and to make me into all that He has called me to. If only you could see that, too."

I can often see who she could have been if she hadn't experienced the trauma that led to her addiction, and it is up to me to show her.


So - this was inspired by hearing a song as I am currently sitting in Starbucks getting some much needed time away from the facility I work at, and here are some of the lyrics:
From glass alabaster, she pours out the depths of her soul
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt
She is strong enough to stand in Your love
I can hear her say, "I'm weak,
And I'm poor, I'm broken, Lord, but I'm Yours
Hold me now, hold me now."
Let he without sin cast the first stone if he will
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilt
Point your finger, and laugh if you choose
To say my Beloved is borrowed and used
She is strong enough to stand in my love
I can hear her say, "I'm weak,
And I'm poor, I'm broken, Lord, but I'm Yours
Hold me now, hold me now."***

*John 7:53-8:11
**1 Corinthians 13
***Jennifer Knapp, Hold Me Now

there's a story...

...that's been on my mind recently. i'm trying to think of ways to portray this story in a new light because it is a story that so many have heard so many times. please forgive my lack of posting while i mull over this story for a while and see what it is that God is trying to teach me through this story again. i've already learned much, but it isn't going away, so that must mean that there is more. i'm excited to see where this "more" takes me.

last night, i was talking with some friends and walked away from the conversation so encouraged and refreshed. it is wonderful to have friends who have that kind of effect on you. it was the kind of conversation that makes you instantly want to pull out your bible and read and soak up more and more of the stories that God chose to write down for our benefit. amazing stuff.

it's by grace and love that i am free

this week has been a busy one for me, and i'm looking forward to this weekend - getting away with friends and spending time bringing in the new year with them. i am SO blessed to be able to have friends who seek to honor God in what they do. i sometimes don't even know how to explain how blessed i feel to have friends like these ones.

this year, i want to strive to make time with God a priority. i've realized that lately, i've been putting God on the back burner in my life, and that isn't okay. He needs to be the #1 priority in my life, above the things that seem to take up all of my time. i am going to strive to make better use of my time, and even if there are things that i need to cut out, i am going to make time for Him. i've already decided on one big cut in my life, and i'm looking to cut another thing or two from my time demands. really, the only things that i HAVE to keep in my schedule are: awana, church on sunday, work, and caring for my great grandmother. cutting other things out will make more time for me to pursue God and what He has in store for me this next year. i think that it is going to be a big one.

looking back, last year at this time, i had so many other plans for my life. it is crazy to think that so many things can change in just 12 short months. i plan on allowing God to show me what this next chapter looks like...not that i'm not going to try and make plans and make those happen, i'm just excited to see where God leads me in this time frame.

when i think about the plans i had last year, i still have some of those plans, they have just been pushed back a little bit, and that's okay with me. i know that God isn't saying no, He is just saying that right now might not be the best time for those plans, and i agree.

well, i think i'm going to sign off for today...what are your goals for the new year?

heal the wound...leave the scar

i used to wish that i could rewrite history
i used to dream that each mistake could be erased
that i could just pretend
i never knew the me back then

i used to pray that You would take this shame away
hide all the evidence of who i've been
but it's the memory of
the place You brought me from
that keeps me on my knees
and even though i'm free

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar

i have not lived a life that boasts of anything
and i don't take pride in what i bring
but i'll build an alter of
the rubble that You found me in
and every stone will sing
of what You can redeem

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar

don't let me forget
everything You've done for me
don't let me forget
the beauty in the suffering

heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful You are
i am broken, torn apart
take the pieces of this heart
and heal the wound but leave the scar
leave the scar


this is a song that i heard about a year ago, and i really liked it then because i thought that it was an amazing song for the women that i worked with.they were all wounded and in need of healing - it was something that was visible in their lives. this past month, i have come to have a new love for this song. it is something that i can relate to more than i thought i would be able to - there are wounds from my past that i hadn't realized were not healed yet until i came back to this place where i daily face my past. i had to come back to the place where almost everything had happened in order to see my wounds. i praise God daily that i did not go down the paths that i so easily could have. it is amazing what God saved me from when i didn't think that i needed saving. it is a hard concept to write about - a hard thing to admit...that i don't have it all together. for some reason, i find it hard to let the people around me see that i am not perfect...that i do not have it all together. but in reality, i should rejoice over the various scars that i have from my past. they are what shaped me into the person i am today...they are the reminders of how merciful the God i serve is. the fact that He was able to save me from turning into a monster because of those is amazing, and that should be something that i shout from the mountaintops! i think that there is this expectation in Christian circles to be perfect. God demands perfection from us, knowing that we cannot attain this without Him, but for some reason, other Christians also demand perfection from us, and that is where we fall short. it doesn't seem to matter to them that they are not perfect, just as long as we are. and, when we admit to weakness, they are standing there ready to tear us apart instead of saying, "you know, you're not alone. we all have our struggles. i'll be praying for you. let me know if there is anything that i can do to help you through this time." not to say that i am not guilty of that same thing...there have been times when i have been extremely disappointed by actions taken by those i have looked up to, and then i realized that they are human, and i was demanding perfection, and i had set myself up to be disappointed. humans are never going to meet our expectations of perfection, and i wish that above all Christians would not be standing around ready to pounce on those who admit that they have failures.

all this to say, there are times when i feel like i can't show who i have been and what God has brought me through for fear of being torn apart by those who are supposed to be the most loving. in fact, the times when i've felt no judgement at all are times when i have been spending most of my time with those who are not walking with the Lord, and i think that this is something that needs to change. i don't know how to go about changing this, but i think that it does need to change. Christians are supposed to strive to be like Christ, and He liked to be in the middle of chaos. i'll put some verses with this later as i don't have my Bible on me at the moment. this is just something that has been rolling around in my head for a while.

a slow return

i was just realizing the other day that blogging used to be such a huge part of who i am. i used to spend time each day thinking if i would blog anything and what it would be about. i used to put time and energy into this, and i am beginning to miss it. i don't know that anyone actually reads this blog, but i am planning on making a slow return to the art of blogging. i am trying to do some writing at the moment, and i think that i have some writer's block, and maybe this will help. i'll be writing about what i am learning - what God is choosing to teach me. sometimes it will be uplifting for others, and other times, i know that it will be raw. but, what i can promise you, whoever you may be, is that i will be making a return. i am just not sure what this return will look like yet. i hope you stay with me through this.

something i just don't like

is this feeling.

the feeling of missing someone.

but i don't know who that someone is.

i want to know who that someone is, but i don't know them yet.

definitely one of my least favorite things to feel.

it makes me sad.

What if...

what if God led you to a wonderful place?

what if God used that wonderful place to stretch and grow you?

what if that wonderful place provided you with an income as well as a place to live?

what if God had to bring you to this place to teach you complete reliance on Him?

what if God told you that it was time to leave before you thought that you would?



those (and many others) are the thoughts running through my head at this point. i can't explain it any other way than to say that God is really working on my heart right now. He is showing me some things about my heart and my life, and i can't ignore them. my coworker and i were talking tonight about how we think that our time here might be ending sooner than we had expected. we were talking about how we believe we have done everything we can here and that we have gained everything that we can from this place. it is hard to think of life not being here, but at the same time, that is what is bringing me through each day. i think about the fact that i have so many things waiting for me when i finish here, and after tonight, i would LOVE to be somewhere else - and SOON!

i can't explain it, but what i am going to do is ask for prayer. i am going to be going into an interview in a couple weeks, and hopefully that will help me figure out what i need to be doing about this ministry position that I am currently in. i hope that something good comes of this because i don't know how much more of this i can take. i have to reach so far outside of who i am to be who i need to be for these women, and i love them with all that i am, but it isn't enough for them, and it is slowly breaking me. i didn't realize it until my coworker and i got to talking tonight, but it is there, and i NEED to find something different so that i don't break - i need to not leave here as a broken shell of a person. i need to be able to have the strength to know that i came here and i did God's work - i don't care about my own name being remembered in this place or in the lives of these women - all i care about is that in some way, i have been able to guide them towards Christ. that is what matters.

Invisible Love

if my arms could reach around You
i would never move
if my eyes could see You
i'd have no faith left to prove
the wonder of invisible love

this is how it has to be
with You and me
the wonder of invisible love

when i fall i feel Your arms
before i reach the ground
Lord, i know Your whisper
though i've never heard the sound
the wonder of invisible love

this is how it has to be
with You and me
the wonder of invisible love

some day there will be no time to mind
i will be Your long awaited bride
we will dance away the night

this is how it has to be
with You and me
the wonder of invisible love



this song has been playing constantly on my computer or my ipod this week - seriously, and amazing song - sometimes i sit and wonder how i would feel if i could wrap my arms around God. how would i be if i could see Him? where would faith be if He was someone i could touch and see. i know that i can feel Him, but what if i could feel him with my fingers?

there are times when i wonder about this because sometimes i struggle with comprehending that God is there. i know, i know. i am someone in full-time ministry, and i am supposed to be sharing His love with the women i work with - how can i have these thoughts? well, because i'm human. i doubt, just like any other human does, that God exists. then i remember all of the things that i have come through and i see where i would be if it hadn't been for God pursuing my heart at such a young age.

i am currently working in a place where i face daily the person i would be if i had not met God at the age of 8. i see what the absence of a father can lead to, and i counsel women on how they can allow God to fill that hole in their lives. it is amazing to see that because i can now see the evidence of God in my life.

how many days do i walk around thinking that i have it pretty together? and yet, it is only by the grace and love of God. that invisible love that i have with the King of the universe. sometimes i wonder about the fact that He chooses to love me.

broken

these lyrics have been on my heart for days, and i just have to get this out:

and i will live to carry Your compassion
to love a world that's broken
to be Your hands and feet
and i will give with the life that i've been given
and go beyond religion
to see the world be changed
by the power of Your Name

another set of lyrics on my heart are:

Your Name is Jesus, Your Name is Jesus
You're the Wonderful Counselor, my friend
You're what i hold on to
i know that You brought me through
all the days of loss to the cross
you knew i'd need a Savior




definition - broken: fragmented, ruptured, torn, fractured, weakened in strength or spirit.

currently, i am working in a ministry with broken women. women who have come to the end of their ropes, and they are in my care as their last resort for gaining a successful life. when you think of a broken person, especially as a christian, you think of someone who is broken by conviction by the Lord, but these women are not broken that way. many of them are facing divorce, many of them are unable to see their children because of what they have done. many of them have disorders and diseases that are brought on by their addiction. addiction is all they have known. disorder is all they have known. they have had so much trauma in their lives that you can't imagine what they have been through. they live moment to moment and everything they want is something that they demand to have right as soon as they want it, and if you ask them to wait, they blow up. they come from a world where it is okay to prostitute yourself in order to get your next hit of your drug of choice. some come straight from the streets, others come from prison, and a very few come from suburban homes to our facility. anxiety disorders are commonplace. depression runs rampant through them. they know that they are going to lose EVERYTHING if this program does not work for them.

the first 40 days are the hardest. those are the days in which we are learning about who they are and where they have come from. we are learning about all of the things that they want to keep secret. no matter how well they think that they have hidden the secret, it does get found out. God is all over this place, and He is ardently pursuing their hearts. the devil SO wants to keep them in their despair. he attacks them through PTSD flashbacks, through family problems, through arguments, through the desire to hide their issues and their problems from everyone they come into contact with.

many people look at these women and see the lowest form of human there is. people look and wonder what on earth could have drug them to the addiction that they suffer from. many people believe that there is merely a choice that leads people to an addiction, and they do not understand the full extent of mental illness. many people see the mental illness and believe that this was brought upon themselves because of their addiction.

the thought that addiction is merely a choice is a very narrow-minded thought. mental illness is not brought on by addiction, but rather, addiction is a way of medicating a mental illness.

all these women have ever known is chaos and addiction. they come from families where generations upon generations have suffered from addiction. they come from families who have defiled them in unimaginable ways. they do not know any other way of life, and they come into the care of this facility and program to try and learn a new way of life.

only about one in ten makes it through the program. only one in ten learns this new way of life well enough to thrive outside these walls. what the others learn is that they have a choice, but sadly, many of them choose to return to what they have known for their whole lives instead of choosing the better life in God.

to be someone who can help these women see the love that God has for them is amazing. my shift today consisted of cleaning. that's all i did. the women all have chores throughout the facility, and they have not been doing well at keeping them up, so, my coworker and i decided to show them one of the ultimate ways to serve - we cleaned for them, and we are getting none of the credit. we were on our hands and knees for eight hours scrubbing and organizing and disinfecting everything in the facility. the women saw and asked what they could do to help, and we told them to go on with their day. they asked why we were doing this, and we said that it was to serve.

i work in a job where i can freely talk about the Lord, but if i am not living out the things that He commands, and if i am not living out the things that i am saying, i am worth nothing. we are teaching these women to love one another, and i am learning daily what it means to be love. some verses that are always on my heart are these: "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but them face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

what sticks out to me the most right now in these verses is the part in which it says, "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." for these women, i have to bear their burdens. i have to bear all of the things in life that bring them anxiety. i have to believe for them that healing and restoration are possible. i have to believe for them that they are more than their addictions have led them to be. i have to believe for them that a successful life is possible. i have to believe for them that God loves them and desires a relationship with them. i have to hope with them that redemption is possible. i have to hope with them that change is probable. i have to hope with them that forgiveness is available for them. i have to hope with them that they can be successful. i have to endure with them the stressful times of just wanting to go out and give in to the addiction. i have to endure the blowups when someone touches on a subject that hits a little too close to home. i have to endure the trauma flashbacks with them. i have to endure for them.

i was talking with my coworker today, and we mentioned the fruit of the Spirit. we were realizing that we daily have to be living out those things as well, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit." we need to be daily surrendering our lives to God, otherwise we will not make it through life here. we need to be living out the fruit of the Spirit. i already talked about living out love, but we also have to be joyful in serving. we need to maintain peace for them. we need to be patient when they are being unreasonable. we need to be kind when they are demanding. we need to be good so that they can see God in us. we need to be faithful to them and to God because no one has ever been faithful to them in their lives. we need to treat them gently because a harsh word stirs up much trauma. we need to be self-controlled to model to them what self-control means. we need to be self-controlled because if we do not control ourselves, we are reminding them of their lives before coming to this place. we need to maintain our self-control in the face of their outbursts because if we let our flesh take over, we will not be able to bear with them and allow them to calm down and regain a more rational mindset.

one Bible passage that i have to constantly have in my mind is this, "They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, 'Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?' This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, 'Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.' And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' She said, 'No one, Lord.' And Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and from no on, sin no more.'" if Jesus hung out with the sinners, why do we as christians surround ourselves with christians? why are not more christians reaching out to the people that the world sees as the lowest form of person? what are most christians doing about this? they are saying that someone else will take care of these people. yes, someone else will come along, but that is only because God does not need me to accomplish this, but how much better is it that i am walking in His will. God loves the outcasts, so why do those who claim to love God keep away from the outcasts.

there are many in the world who will look at what i am doing and think that it is great, but at the same time, not really understand. there are many christians who will look at what i am doing and wonder how i can surround myself daily with people who have lived in so much sin in their lives.

we are in a battle. we are battling for souls. the battle is not one in the physical world, but at the same time, it is so relevant in the physical world. i have seen wounded women oppressed by demonic spirits. i have seen wounded women become more wounded by the church. i have seen wounded women come to the Lord and pray for the healing that only He can bring. i have hugged and loved wounded women. i have seen wounded women cry out to the Lord to be delivered, and i have seen Him answer, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." i have seen wounded women receive healing through the power and the grace of Jesus Christ. what does it matter that they come from a sinful life? i came from a sinful life. no, i did not use drugs. no, i did not drink. no, i did not prostitute myself. all sin is the same in the eyes of the Lord. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." i fall short of His glory just as much as they do. if i can be healed from my past and made into a new person in the Lord, then so can they.




these women that i work with are all amazing women. in the words of my wonderful coworker, "i can sometimes see who she could have been if she had not suffered the trauma that led to her addiction, and it is up to me to show her."

it is up to me to show her what life can be outside of addiction, and i must be full of love - if i am full of love, the other things will follow, but love is the first thing that i must put on in the morning. my job description is as simple as this, "to love, serve, and build relationships with broken women."

God's love is never dividing

so, i was just looking through some old posts on here, and i found lyrics to a song that i still love - when i was reading the words to this song, something was brought to mind about a situation going on at my work. it is really hard to explain on here without breaking confidentiality laws, so i won't get into it, but the fact that things that Christians say will make divisions in the body of Christ. it is absolutely insane that we, as Christians, can say or do something that can so damage another human being so as to break them. it is completely crazy to me that some people think that's okay.

another song comes to mind as well - it is about asking God to give us His mind and His heart so that the world can see Him in us. i think that it is absolutely amazing to be able to pray that because of where i am working. i am working with a lot of recovering addicts and people who are trying to work through trauma in their lives. i think that it is completely necessary for us, as Christians in this kind of environment, to ask that God be revealed through us to the people that we are interacting with. not that it isn't important in other types of work as well, but in this type of work, people are literally at the end of their ropes and ready to give up on life, and part of my job is to bring hope into the lives of these women. how am i able to do that if i am saying or doing things that are going to break them down? how am i going to be able to reach these women if they do not see God in me? how?

the answer is, they aren't going to see God in me, and i'm not going to be able to reach them if i'm trying to do this in my own strength. i have to be completely relying on God to bring these women to Himself, but i have to also allow Him to work through me and my life and my actions in order for Him to reach them.



just a little something on my mind recently.

Cannot hold it in...

Has something so spectacular that you immediately started calling everyone you know just to tell them the good news ever happened to you? To be honest, it has happened to me - several times. I can think back on my life and pinpoint those moments. The first big one was when I was in high school and I got accepted to work in a leadership training program at a summer camp. Another was when I was accepted into the nursing program at Liberty University. Another was when I found out that I was going to Asia with a woman's team this past school year. The most recent was when I was offered the job that I am currently holding.

Now, those things are good things - they are things that should be shared with the people who love you.

As I was reading my Bible this morning, I came across a verse that started me thinking about these things. I'm not going to share the whole thing - just the part that got me thinking - "there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot." This is the prophet Jeremiah speaking. Just before this portion of the verse, he was saying that he could never say that he would no more speak the Word of God for this very reason. How often do we begin calling everyone we know who does not know the Lord just to share the good news of His death with them? I wouldn't ever think twice about calling everyone about getting a good job or getting accepted into seminary, but there is a part of me that would hesitate to call certain people just to share the news of God. Now, I am not in any way saying that this is right, because it isn't. I should be more willing to share Christ with someone than I am to share about someone buying me Starbucks that day.

I'm definitely feeling convicted today about this. It has been running through my mind for a good portion of the day - how can I be more eager to share the love of God with another person? How can I begin to share how grateful I am to Him that He saved me and set me apart for a specific purpose? How can I be a light to the world around me without getting embarrassed with the message I am sharing?

can't sleep

i feel like God is telling me to do something, but i don't know what it is. i feel like there should be a purpose as to why i am up at this hour, but i can't figure it out. my brain won't shut off, and i don't know why. i've already been in bed for over an hour, and nothing, so i came out to the living room and have been reading my Bible and praying, and i'm more awake than i was before. i don't understand it, but i thought i would share it here.

i've started my new job, and i love it. the women here are great women who have begun to open up to me about various things in their lives. i wish i knew how to really reach each one where she is in her life, but God will have to do that through me.

i should probably get off now - i was kinda hoping for an early night tonight, but it's not looking that way anymore.

Life

"I have always taken care of you." ~God

I can't believe how life has taken this turn. A week ago, I didn't know what I would be doing after graduation. I wasn't sure where in the United States I would be. Now, I have accepted a job with New Faith Family Center in Albany, NY. I am really excited about this opportunity that I have with this! I am moving right after graduation. I need to call tomorrow for more details, but I can't wait to get this all figured out. I am SUPER excited about this!

hindsight

i remember as You kneeled to wash our feet that night
though i resisted You explained it had to be
as an example of how we should serve each other
but as You gently washed my feet, what did you see?
it seems like yesterday we all sat there together
and each word You said stirred fire in my soul
about how the always faithful man comes under stormy weather
but as You smiled at me then you must have known

and as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away

looking back, i can't imagine how You did it
i could not have shown such love if i had known
that this man whose feet i washed would soon deny that he had known me
still You humbly served Your servant
and now that love cuts through the bone
because i promised that i never would deny You
i said that i would rather die than curse Your name
and all along You loved me though You knew they were shallow empty words
and now each time my feet i wash, it just reminds me of my shame

'cause as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away

how could You love me?
why did You love me?

now for the first time i can finally see things clearly
You gave love and asked for nothing in return
now i pledge my life to loving others just like You loved me
and how the memories of that night You washed my feet have set me free

'cause as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away
so i could walk away

~hindsight by everybodyduck

in between the rain

so, i'm leaving the country in just over 2 days. i'm nervous and excited all at the same time. it's kinda crazy. like hardcore. seriously.

here i am

awake is where i stand
i feel more dead than i've ever been
my soul begins to shout
through the soundproof walls
my heart pours out
here i am
take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
my clothes are stained with love
my blood and tears, they don't seem like enough
You say that it won't hurt me as much as it hurts You
then i can't imagine the kind of pain You must be going through
my eyes held tightly closed
to give my tears nowhere to go
here i am
Lord, take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
here i am
take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
my eyes held tightly closed
to give my tears nowhere to go


~here i am by logan martin

and

i'm getting baseball fever, so i decided to change the background. i seriously can't wait for baseball!

although, i will still feel a void in my life because of the lack of hockey...but life goes on.

AH!

so, i just heard from a lady that i emailed about a possible job, and they're going to contact me by the end of the week! they're sending me a packet of info, and then the director is going to contact me when she gets back into the office! i can't believe that i might have something for after graduation lined up!!! i'm super excited about this!

wow...

so, today has definitely been a day of emotions. first, something completely unexpected happened, and i will leave all of you blog readers in the dark about this, because i don't really know how to explain it without coming across as some sort of creeper, but it does put a new twist on some of my life experiences to date.

then, i had to put together my "story". aka my testimony, but not as you think of a testimony. i wasn't supposed to focus on the timeline of events, but rather the relationship i have with God. it was difficult to put that into words, and i typed it out and ended up scrapping my preparations right before i had to share with the group at the meeting. what i shared was my heart - how i know God the way that i know Him - what He has taught me over the past several years. it was difficult to share, and i did so at a pretty surface level, but then questions were asked of me, and i realized that i needed to go a bit deeper in what i shared. sharing with people how Christ has changed my life means sharing with them what has hurt me in the past and how that has changed and shaped my present and my future. it was really hard to share, but i knew that to really open up with this group of people was essential to my ministry, and if i can't open up to these people, how am i going to be able to open up to someone else? someone who i am ministering to? i know that one of the qualities people look for is openness, and if you can tell that someone isn't sharing everything, you aren't going to be willing to open up to them until they open up to you.

lastly, i got home from my meeting, and was still a little emotional from sharing during the meeting, and i checked my email. i had sent out an email earlier letting my prayer supporters know where i stood with finances for this trip, and there was an email from a lady who had approached me back in august to say that no matter what, she and her husband would make sure i was going on this trip, and the email from her said that they were sending a check for almost the entirety of what i need to be fully financed. whenever i think about it, i am close to tears.

God is amazing. life is so unpredictable and crazy, but God is sovereign through it all. i can't even imagine where i would be or who i would be without Him. i know that i would be so much worse off, and i also know that i wouldn't be happy. i wouldn't have the joy that i have in my life now.

my heart is so full.

all of my life

in every season
You are still God
and i have a reason to sing
i have a reason to worship




such powerful words written by a woman who had just lost a child. i need to be more like this.

new beginnings...so close to the ending

why is it that i seem to find people who could have been amazing friends only 3 months before we all leave this school to head out and begin doing what we believe God has called us to do for Him? i know that there is a reason that these people have come into my life, but at the same time, it seems so unfair that we aren't going to get a very long time to know each other and build friendships. i guess that's what email is for?

i know i've been writing somewhat short and shallow posts for a while, and i'm going to try and remedy that sometime soon...it's just that this is all i can seem to write down online for now...i guess there's a lot going on in my life that i am not ready to share with the online world.

now, for me, it is time to return to my paper for CHHI on the canonization of the Bible...

hard to believe

it is coming upon the end of my time in lynchburg...that fact is still hard for me to believe. this place, as much as i want to leave, has become such an important part of shaping who i am today. i know that i wouldn't be the person i am now if it wasn't for this place. and, as much as i want to leave and see what God has in store for me, i am going to be a little sad to leave...

little reminders...

tonight i went to Bible study at my church, and we sang a few songs at the beginning, and then spent time in prayer. it was amazing, but what caught me was one of the songs that we sang. it's one i've known for what seems like forever, but the words really hit me tonight -

better is ONE day in Your courts
better is ONE day in Your house
better is ONE day in Your courts
than THOUSANDS elsewhere









wow.

so,

i think i'm going to have to go to bed soon. i've been trying to ignore a headache all day, and it doesn't seem to be going away at all. i've tried taking stuff, i've tried eating, all to no avail. i'm even wearing my glasses. stupid head. i'm off to watch some friends and maybe sleep away the ache.

faith

Tonight, I was writing a paper for my class on the book of Romans, and while writing the paper, I came across this verse that I have read so many times, and never really thought about, but tonight, in the middle of writing my paper, it made me think a lot. I love when you're reading a passage that you've read so many times before, and God all of a sudden opens your eyes and you see the passage in a new light. It is amazing how God does that. Anyways, here are my thoughts:

Hebrews 11:13-16, "These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

Just a little preface, these verses come in the middle of the chapter of faith, and more specifically, these are in the middle of the verses about Abraham and Sarah.

Abraham was asked by God to leave his home and go to a country that he had never seen. God called him and asked him to go, and because Abraham believed that God had something better for him, Abraham went. He left everything that he had ever known, and went walking toward a promise of God that he had yet to see. The crazy thing is, Abraham was never fully a resident in the land that God had promised to him. He was always a foreigner, but he still believed God. He still believed that God had a plan in all of this.

As Abraham and Sarah left their home, they went forward. Not looking behind. That was the part that stuck out to me the most. Here's that verse again, "If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return." That is verse 15. This really made me think a lot about my life. There are so many things that I struggle with, but God has asked me to walk forward, looking only to Him. Sometimes I don't think that my faith is enough, because I still look back on plans I made for my own life and desire to go back to them. God has put a calling on my life, and while I know that it is the best thing, I think about how I love so much other stuff and would love to have the opportunity to see how that would play out in my life. There are so many times that I find myself staring longingly back, into my past, and for what? To return to a place that God has called me out of? To walk away from His perfect calling on my life?

If Abraham and Sarah had been looking behind them at the land and life that they had left behind, they would have found a reason to return. The NIV says, "they would have had opportunity to return."

"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." They desired something better. They desired the life that God had called them to. The life of foreigners in the land. Think of how perfectly that resembles our lives on the earth - we are foreigners because our permanent dwelling is in heaven - we are only on this earth for a short time, and we need to be looking toward the heavenly country. We need to take our eyes off of the past and direct them towards the heavenly country because otherwise we will find the opportunity to return to something that God has called us out of.

Proverbs 16:9, "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

18...that's right...18

days away from going HOME! and, i just talked with my brother tonight, and he said that he was going to be coming up to the airport with my mom to pick me up! i'm pretty excited about that.

the end of the semester is upon me, and i couldn't be more excited. i'm so close to being DONE with school! i have 3 classes left that are required for my major, but i am taking 4 so that i can stay at full-time status. 1 of my classes is an independent study class, and 1 of them is going to be a DLP class...so i'll only have 2 classes that i have to go to! i'm pretty excited about that!

anyways, i should probably get going...i need to go to bed soon because i have to finish a paper tomorrow - and then i'll only have 2 presentations, 1 paper, and a commentary away from finals - and then it will be the end of the semester and i will be getting on a plane to go home. it will be glorious.

i.can't.wait.

not that far

underneath the stars
just a simple man and wife
somewhere in the dark
his words cut the silent night
"take my hand, for the child
that you carry is God's own
and though it seems the road is long

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for in our arms we'll cherish him
we're not that far from bethlehem

let us celebrate
as the Christmases go by
learn to live our days
with our hearts near to the Child
ever drawn, ever close
to the only love that lasts
and though 2000 years have passed

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far
we're not that far
from bethlehem

~not that far from bethlehem: point of grace



so, in my Bible study this morning, we were talking about ways to keep Christ the focus during this holiday season, and it really struck me. how many times do we say that we're focusing on Christ and living our lives to please Him and then in reality, we're being selfish humans who don't know what it means to truly love and serve God. this is something that i want to make sure i'm focused on this Christmas. instead of focusing on what to get for people, why not completely focus on the Lord and what this day actually signifies? this season is supposed to mark when our Lord put on human skin and come down to earth in order to give His life as the perfect sacrifice for our sins. when thinking about things in this way, things seem to have a better perspective.

well

life as of late has been interesting. things have been pretty busy, and i'm so close to being done with this semester. i'm so ready to go home and spend time with family. i think it is finally setting in that there is a possibility that i won't be going home for an extended period of time after this, and i want to spend time with my family. i love my family and i am really going to miss going home for summers and holidays once i am in my future career.

i have contacted monica about an internship after graduation in may, and i'm pretty excited about that...i should know by february! i'm really excited about this opportunity that she is putting together for those of us graduating from here. it's pretty amazing.

other than that, i have 25 days until i go home for Christmas!!! and only 175 days until i graduate!!! i can't wait to be done. it is going to be an amazing ride for the rest of the semester...and the rest of the year. i can't wait to see what God has planned for me.

now i'm going to go back to listening in my class.

allure

Hosea 2:14 - Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her."

this semester

has been...weird. i guess that would be the correct term for it. i should start at the beginning...

this semester began weird with a friend. she seemed different than she had before, and i couldn't put my finger on it, until something was said - not on purpose, but the statement made me start thinking. i then, with the help of a friend, figured out what it was that had happened with the first friend, and we figured out that she had been lying to us.

this lying has continued all semester, and it has now come to the point where i am seriously concerned for this friend of mine. she is one who used to openly admit and be proud of the fact that she couldn't lie, and now she tries to get us to believe that she can lie and hide things from us.

she told me that if i was getting married, she would weigh her options as to whether or not she would want to come. then, the next day, she told me that she almost ditched me to hang out with a boy. then, a couple days later, she actually said out loud that she always likes someone else more than she likes me, and then when i confronted her about this, she tried to deny that she had said it, except that i heard her say it. she then sent me a text message saying that she was sorry, and she was going to tell me that when we were alone, but if she can say in front of other people that she doesn't like me then she can tell me that she's sorry in front of other people. that's my thinking, so when i got the text from her, i decided to send her a message and tell her how i felt. i didn't bring up anything past because i didn't think that it was necessary to do so.

honestly, i'm tired of this. this friend seems to be frustrated every time she is around me. she doesn't like talking with me, and she doesn't like hanging out with me and every time we do hang out, she has a super short fuse and gets angry at me for nothing.

i'm not okay with friends up and deciding that they don't want to be friends with me anymore. i'm not okay with investing this much time and effort in a friendship and having the other person bail out. i lost my best friend in the last year, and it isn't okay with me. there's no way to know the pain that caused me unless you've experienced that pain yourself, and i don't make friends that easily, and i have really invested too much in this friendship to have it go to crap.

if you happen to read this, you know who you are. and, i'm ready and willing to talk to you, but you have to be the one who brings it up, and you have to be the one to tell me what you have been hiding from me, even though i know. you are in trouble, and i care about you and i want to help you with your problem, but you have to come out and tell me what it is.

32

days from being back in Oregon! i'll be there for just under a month, and i just talked with my boss, and she's got a job for me when i get back! it probably won't be that exciting, but it's an office job, which is better than most people would be getting for the short period of time that they will be home then. and, i love that office. it's pretty amazing. anyways, i'm going to a hockey game tonight with some of the best girls EVER, and then it's back home (to my apartment) where i'll crash into my bed - or maybe the chair in the living room - and watch a Christmas movie because i'm in that kind of mood...eventually i need to steal Christmas music from my roommate because i left all of mine at home.

leaving you with this:

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave


pretty much one of my favorite songs right now.

research

okay, so i'm doing some research for a paper right now, and in my reading, i came across something that i thought i needed to share. the paper i'm researching for is about girls dealing with abandonment trauma because of their fathers being absent in their lives, and the portion of the book i'm reading is the portion about coming to grips with these feelings and allowing God to heal you. here's what it said:

Because God loves me, He is slow to lose patience with me.
Because God loves me, He takes the circumstances of my life and uses them in a constructive way
for my growth.
Because God loves me, He does not treat me as an object to be possessed and manipulated.
Because God loves me, He has no need to impress me with how great and powerful He is because He is
God. Nor does He belittle me as His child in order to show me how important He is.
Because God loves me, He is for me. He wants to see me mature and develop in His love.
Because God loves me, He does not send down His wrath on every little mistake I make of which
there are many.
Because God loves me, He does not keep score of all my sins and then beat me over the head with
them whenever He gets a chance.
Because God loves me, He is deeply grieved when I do not walk in the ways that please Him
because He sees this as evidence that I don't trust Him and love Him as I should.
Because God loves me, He rejoices when I experience His power and strength and stand up under
the pressure of life for His name's sake.
Because God loves me, He keeps working patiently with me even when I feel like giving up and
can't see why He doesn't give up with me, too.
Because God loves me, He keeps on trusting me when at times I don't even trust myself.
Because God loves me, He never says there is no hope for me, rather, He patiently works with
me, loves me, and disciplines me in such a way that it is hard for me to understand the
depth of His concern for me.
Because God loves me, He never forsakes me even though many of my friends might.




if you want the title of the book, leave a comment and i'll do my best to get it to you.

break my heart

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

i see the King of Glory
coming on the clouds with fire
the whole earth shakes
the whole earth shakes

i see His love and mercy
washing over all our sin
the people sing
the people sing

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

i see a generation
rising up to take their place
with selfless faith
with selfless faith

i see a near revival
stirring as we pray and seek
we're on our knees
we're on our knees

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything i am for Your Kingdom's cause
as i go from earth in to eternity

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

the more i seek You
the more i find You

the more i find You
the more i love You

i wanna sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lay back against You and breathe
feel Your heart beat

this love is so deep
it's more than i can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming

my heart cannot see
when i only look at me
my soul cannot hear
when i only think of my own fears
they are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
why did i run away from You
why can't i speak Your name



i feel like i've been wandering lately. i feel like i've been looking at me. why do i continue to do this? why do i continue to focus on me instead of God? why? especially when i'm taking so many Bible and ministry classes...when i know that i am called by God to serve Him?

i'm finding myself at a loss for words...

and the funny thing is, it's okay.

God has been showing me a lot about dependence upon Him right now. i can't believe how much He is continuing to teach me on a daily basis. right now, i'm studying about His love, and it never ceases to amaze me that He would love me the way that He does.

i'm studying this for an assignment for a class, and through this assignment i'm learning so much about myself. it's pretty crazy. sometimes i feel like i'm reading books that were written especially for me, but i know that they aren't.

anyways, life overall is good. i'm keeping really busy with my classes, but i like them all. i love a couple of them, but a couple of them are ones that i'm just trying to get through. anyways, i should probably go and do some homework...or go to bed early and get a lot of sleep...

i never knew death could be so sweet
i never knew surrender could feel so free
i've never seen such meekness and majesty
that the blood of Jesus was bled for me

and now i'll sing freedom for all of my days
it's only by the power of the cross i'm raised
the King of Glory rescued me

how beautiful the blood flow
how merciful the love shown
the King of Glory poured out
victorious are we now

i never knew these nails would love unfold
i never knew these wounds would heal my soul
i've never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
the blood of Jesus was bled for me

and now i'll sing freedom for all of my days
it's only by the power of the cross i'm raised
the King of Glory rescued me

how beautiful the blood flow
how merciful the love shown
the King of Glory poured out
victorious are we now









everyone needs compassion
a love that's never failing
let mercy fall on me

everyone needs forgiveness
the kindness of a Savior
the Hope of nations

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

so take me as you find me
all my fears and failures
and fill my life again

i give my life to follow
everything i believe in
now i surrender (i surrender)

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

so, shine your light and let the whole world see
we're singing for the glory of the Risen King, Jesus
shine your light and let the whole world see
we're singing for the glory of the Risen King

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

this week is pretty crazy. seriously. today, i spent 4.5 hours working at trbc for hours for my 403 class, and then i went to the w. min. lounge, and read until BIBL 350 where Dr. Fink called me a sinner because i didn't bring my concordance to class with me today. then, i got an email from amber asking if i would be able to help with the event thursday night at trbc, and i worked it out so i can, and on top of all of that, i was out of town this past weekend and the weekend before, and i need to make up homework, but i know that all of that will get done - it is just a matter of buckling down and doing the work. so, i'm going to get off of here and try and finish some of the work.

i'm not going back, i'm moving ahead. i'm here to declare to You, "my past is over". in You, old things are made new. surrendered my life to Christ, i'm moving...moving forward.

distant and broken
words left unspoken
divided yet we're the same

bitter and lonely
words that are spoken
divide us all in Your Name

together we can sing this song to You
in harmony united by the truth

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

You are the Father
Son and the Spirit
yet You are only one

together we can sing this song anew
united by Your Spirit in Your Truth

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

~written by lauren boyd



seriously, i LOVE this song - it speaks true of what is completely necessary in the church today - getting rid of the things that separate us from each other - we need to be giving ourselves away to help the people around us - we need to allow God to heal us so that we don't cause strife in the midst of the Body of Christ - we need to do everything we can to heal the broken Body of Christ - we need to help heal the hurting people around us.

so, as i sit on a friend's bed and do my homework for BIBL 425, this song pops into my head, and i can't seem to get it out. so, i end up getting distracted by this song, and then realize that it must be the Lord interrupting my thoughts. this song is one that i love, but don't listen to often because of how it can convict. it kind of goes along with the homework that i've been doing about salvation and justification, and it's just a couple lines running through my head. sometimes i love the way that God speaks to me.



i sit here and question why my God loves me
though i have never done a good thing
or a righteous deed
and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor
crying over earthly things i know i can't afford
but He who died is greater than these
i should be thankful
praying on my knees, crying
Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace
o, my King of kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me



okay, so that's more of the lyrics than were going through my head, but it seemed so weird to not have the whole first portion of the song on here.

so, i'm going to attempt to make sense of something that i've had rolling around in my mind for a few weeks now. i realize now that i should have written it down somewhere sooner, but things got so hectic and busy, and it got pushed to the back burner. (when i'm done with this, i might give an update on my life, but i'm thinking that this might be it for tonight.)

okay, so my pastor at home has been talking about peter and how Jesus was preparing him to be the rock of the church. it's pretty amazing how things in peter's life pan out and everything. i sometimes wonder at how Jesus was so patient with peter through all of his mistakes and everything. seriously amazing. okay, to what i'm going to try and focus on - give me a second...i have to go find the notes really quick.

okay, i'm back. i found the notes which is a good thing because my mind is seriously going in about a hundred different directions right now, and the baby in the apartment above me is crying again.

okay, enough with distractions, on to what i came here to write about today.

Looking at John 21:1-23. This is the passage in which Jesus asks peter multiple times "do you love Me?" now, i haven't always understood the implications of these verses, but when my pastor was speaking about this a couple weeks ago, it all started to make sense. looking at this passage in context, peter had already denied Jesus 3 times, and then Jesus was dead. or so peter thought. this was something that Peter hadn't been anticipating. he had thought Jesus had come to bring in His Kingdom. He was supposed to win and become king, He wasn't supposed to die. so, looking at it this way, peter had to have been discouraged. he had to have just wanted to give up. i know that every person thinks that way sometimes. i get that way sometimes. thinking that it would be so much easier to give up than to keep going. peter started this passage with the statement to a few of the other disciples, "i am going fishing." and the others said that they would go with him. when day was breaking, they had caught nothing. this had happened before, and Jesus had performed a miracle and they had believed in Him. the disciples in the boat this time had to have remembered that time when Jesus had given them an amazing catch of fish, but they were discouraged. Jesus was gone, and He hadn't brought in His Kingdom, and they thought that maybe they could just go back to fishing, because they were good at that. then, there was a man on the shore who called out to them - "children, do you have any fish?" and they said no. the man on the shore then told them to cast the net on the other side of the boat. now, as fishermen, they would have known that it didn't matter which side of the boat the net was on in order to catch fish, but they did it anyways. they ended up catching so many fish that they couldn't bring the net into the boat. it was then that john said to peter "it is the Lord!" peter was so excited that he put on his outer garment and jumped into the sea and swam to shore. he was so excited to be with the Lord. this was what he wanted - to be with the Lord. he didn't want to be a fisherman, but he had been at the point of giving up. he had been told previously of his betrayal and of his forgiveness and of how he would need to take his experience and strengthen the bretheren, but he had been ready to give it all up and go back to fishing. after the others got to shore, they had breakfast with Jesus. it was then that Jesus and peter took a little walk. Jesus started asking peter questions. when Jesus asks peter "do you love me more than these?" he was talking about the fish. asking peter if he loved the Lord more than fish, but the form of love Jesus was using was agape love. in peter's response, he used phileo love (brotherly love), pretty much telling Jesus that he had warm affection for him. then Jesus asks him again using the word for agape love again, and again, peter uses phileo love. then, when Jesus asks the third time "do you love me?", He used phileo love. peter was grieved because he had failed before. he had gotten confident and was grieving because he knew that he could never love his Lord the way that he was loved. peter was broken, honest, and genuine - afraid to ever boast again - he had failed miserably the last time he boasted and now didn't want to boast. he stood before the Lord a broken man, but he kept going after he had been challenged by Jesus. Jesus then proceeded to tell peter that even though he had failed, he would bring glory to God through his life if he followed Jesus and didn't worry about anyone else.


okay, so i know that that last paragraph is a lot of information, and kind of word vomit, but let me just put it into my own thoughts (that was all pretty much from my notes). peter failed. Jesus forgave. peter gave up. Jesus challenged. peter rose again and glorified God.

even when we fail, we can return and glorify God in our lives. isn't that amazing?

apparently

i haven't written in here in a while. i've been busy. life gets busy when you're living in the real world - not like it's not busy when you're going to school full time. i'm leaving soon to go back to school, and i'm pretty excited about that. i think that this year is going to be a good year - scary, but good. i'm done with school in may, and i have absolutely no idea as to what i am going to do when i graduate, but i'm excited about being done, and i know that God will show me what He wants me to do when i finish.

i'll try to write something more later - i'm super tired, and i have to get up and make coffee for other people in the morning. hopefully i can get a nap in sometime in the afternoon!

okay, so i've been studying the book of hosea recently, and i am constantly in awe of how God worked in that book. it amazes me that He would ask someone to marry a prostitute and then continually have to buy her back from other lovers. it paints an amazing picture, but at the same time, you wonder how we can keep doing this to God.

i'm gonna write a study on this eventually - when i start getting things written, i'll probably post some of it on here.

so, tonight while i was sitting in church, i thought of a new Bible study series that i would love to write, and i think i'm going to start on it this summer. i want to write on hosea - about the ways that God loves us, even though we stray from Him - even though sometimes we willingly walk away. He knew all of this ahead of time, and yet, He still chooses to love us. it still amazes me.

tonight

okay, so i just saw that i haven't written in here in forever, but things got busy. all of that seems so trivial right now. i'm sitting in the hospital right now - surrounded by my family. my grandpa got an inoperable brain aneurism at three in the morning, and is now in a coma. the doctors don't think that he's going to make it through the night. i have to admit, i wasn't ready to let him go. i wanted one more conversation with him. i wanted to hug him one more time. the last time i saw him was back in january. i didn't think it was the last time. i know he's ready to go. he'll be so much more comfortable there than he is here. i just wish it wasn't this soon.

pretty much how i feel sometimes...

i was so unique, now i feel skin deep
count on the makeup to cover it all
crying myself to sleep 'cause i cannot keep their attention
thought i could be strong but it's killing me
does someone hear my cry? i'm dying for new life

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside my heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love and beautiful

sometimes i wish i was someone other than me
fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing
won't You help me back to glory?

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside me heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love

You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe
You look inside my heart and i am amazed
i love to hear You say who i am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

so, i think i'm going to be making another change in my life. i'm not completely positive yet, but i think i'll know for sure when i talk to one of my teachers tomorrow. i'm pretty excited about the possibility of this. i think that's it for now.

every morning i have a chance to rise and give my all
but every afternoon i find i have only wasted time
in light of Your awe.

thinking...

i sit here and question why my God loves me. though i have never done a good thing, or a righteous deed. and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor, crying over earthly things i know i can't afford but He who died is greater than these i should be thankful, praying on my knees crying Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me.

now i never claimed to be any more than i am, any more than i seem. in fact, i bill myself so much less than i am, so much less than He sees, so may i hold out with an open hand this frail life of mine and pray that You make it stand, most Holy God, it's all i need to say that i'm thankful, i can believe in the Alpha and omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me. All Consuming Fire burn in me.





pretty much, the first phrase of the first verse of this song is how i feel at the moment. jennifer knapp never ceases to make me think about the things in my life that need changing.

maybe repetitive, but maybe not...we shall see...

okay, so i just read the last thing i posted on here and realized that it had something to do with breathing, and that is definitely what i was going to post about now. i think i'm going to anyways. as you read below, breathing is very important to me, not that it isn't important to everyone, but for me, not a day goes by when i don't think about breathing at least twice a day when i'm taking my meds.

i'm getting a cold, and since i was diagnosed with asthma, my colds always settle in my chest. it's just a way of life that i am still trying to get used to. because the cold is settling in my chest, it impairs my breathing. i guess i didn't really notice it until i tried to walk up a ton of stairs really fast. now, anyone with asthma will tell you that doing that is a bad idea even if you don't have a chest cold, but i was running late, so i tried to hurry. i'm pretty sure i ended up being later to my class than i would have if i had just slowed down a little bit. when i got to the top of the stairs, i seriously almost fainted. (this isn't something i want a few of my friends to know for a few days). i had to sit down right away and start drinking some of the ginger ale that i happened to have, and then i got extremely hot. a few minutes later, i got extremely cold, and hardcore wanted to be in a dry sauna or something just so that i would be warm.

i don't know how this all relates together, and i don't think i'm going to try and make it relate together, but that episode started making me think about the things in life that are so taken for granted. sometimes, i take for granted the fact that i am going to have another day to complete the tasks that God has given me, sometimes i take for granted that i am going to be safe, sometimes i take my friends for granted. the last one is something that i think about more often now that i am 3000 miles away from childhood friends, and back in the presence of friends i was away from for 7 months, but it is that first one that scares me. i should not think that just because i've been given a large task by God that i am going to have all the time in the world to complete it. i should try and accomplish the things that He gives me faster than i complete things for myself. now, i know that everything in my life has been given to me from God, but i am talking about more specific things - things i like to call God moments. moments where you know that the King of kings is speaking into your heart and asking you to do something for Him that shows Him how much you love Him, or shows Him that you will be obedient to Him whenever He asks.

there is something in my life that i know needs to be cut out, but for some reason, i can't seem to do it. when i was thinking about that today, i realized that i can't do it because i think that i can cut it out when i get older. who knows if i am actually going to wake up in the morning? who knows if tomorrow is a day in which i can get something accomplished or if it is a day when my life will be threatened and i will be so seriously injured that i cannot then accomplish the tasks that i have been given by the Lord.

backwards...

today, i've felt the amazingness of conviction.

to begin, i have asthma. now, you might think, "how does that convict you?" somehow, i hope to show you my connecting thoughts in the next couple paragraphs.

the air all over the world is in a constant state of change, but i don't seem to notice it as much when i'm in oregon. here, in virginia, i notice it quite a bit. most people notice when their skin feels sticky or dry, but i notice when my lungs hurt or something along those lines. today, i haven't been breathing well. i can usually tell by the way that i am sitting if i am getting enough oxygen or not, and i definitely haven't been getting enough oxygen today. when i tried to breathe better, it made me cough and have to use my inhaler. i realized how dependent i am upon my inhaler. i couldn't find it right at first and i thought i was going to have to come home and get a different one. there was a little panic in me when i couldn't find it right away which made my breathing even worse.

later this evening, a song got stuck in my head. the first couple lines say, "this is the air i breathe, this is the air i breathe, Your Holy presence living in me", and i started to think about how important breathing became in my life almost 2 years ago. now, breathing is always important, but to me, it's not something i take for granted because there are so many days when it does not come easily for me. then i started thinking about how a lot of the time, God can get pushed to the back of my mind during the day because i think i am too busy for Him. i think that i have too much to do, so i don't have the time to pray. isn't God supposed to be the most important thing in my life? and yet, when i have to search for Him in the depths of my heart, there is no panic, and yet, when i couldn't find my inhaler, there was serious panic. something seems a little bit backwards there.

i've been so convicted today that i need to be making God the top priority in my life and not allowing myself to take His presence in my life for granted.








okay, so i'm sorry if the above makes no sense to you...i've got a migraine and i should be sleeping, but i needed to get this out. i'm going to close my computer now and try and sleep off the migraine. i hope it's gone tomorrow.

i sit here today convicted. convicted of who i have become, and yet the fact of what i have a passion for in my life. convicted that i want others to be so much better than i am. convicted that i expect so much more from other people that i expect from myself. this semester is going to be interesting as i take this journey into myself as well as work on writing studies that will impact the lives of others. i know that it is a good thing, but at the same time, it's not a comforting feeling. sometimes it feels better to not completely understand the things in life, but i know that it will all be so much better when i am walking where i should be. when i am allowing God to be in the place He should be in my life. when i am in a state of total surrender to the Lord.

broken is where i need to be.

oh, life...

okay, so i kinda forgot about this thing. school is going well. i'm taking a lot of classes, and at times it's a little overwhelming, but life does go on. i'm working at subway still, but i'm looking for another job because i really hate it there. it's not fun anymore. i want to work somewhere with kids because i love kids.

i was realizing that i really need to start thinking about what i want to do after i graduate. i know of an opportunity to work for my favorite teacher and go to seminary for free, but i don't know if i want to do seminary, but at the same time i think it could be really cool. or maybe i should try to get a full-time job on campus and go for my master's degree, or maybe i should go and find a real job and start my life in the real world. i'm seriously at a loss for what to do right now.

anyways, kim is on her way to come and pick me up. i should probably get going and pack up my stuff before she gets here.

i hope life for you is going well! mine is pretty good right now, minus the stress of not knowing what to do after graduation...

back in the saddle again...

so, i'm back in l-burg, getting ready to start my 2nd to last semester of college. i'm pretty excited to see what this new semester has in store for me. i have 1 class tomorrow, and then i've got 4 on tuesday and those same 4 on thursday, and nothing on wednesday and friday. it's gonna be a good week. my birthday is on thursday, and we're gonna have a sleepover from friday to saturday which i'm pretty stinkin excited about. we're gonna play games and stay up late and have chili cheese dip.

i'm continuing to learn things about who i am and where God wants me to be. i really want to start looking at larger churches to see if there's one that has a paid women's ministries position and then do something with my actual degree on the side. that's really what i'm leaning towards right now. i just need to figure out how to start looking into finding this job that i want.

other than that, i'm looking for a new job, and i'm gonna start working at subway in a week or so if i don't get a job. when i start working kind of depends on my refund status stuff. i've still got a couple things to work out.

anyways, i'm watching friends right now with emily. i should probably get going. i'm gonna try to keep this updated a lot more this year. i haven't been so great at updating this, but then again, i'm not exactly sure who reads this, so i guess it isn't a huge deal. and, to you, my blog reader, if you are there, i hope you have a wonderful week this week.

it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas

seriously.

i guess it sometimes takes a while to hit me. i'm at home now, and i'm looking at the decorations that have been up for a couple weeks now, and i'm thinking "wow...it's finally starting to feel like Christmas to me." i'm needing to start my shopping and make sure i get all of that done before it's too late! now, in my defense, i've been super busy this year. i've been working 2 jobs and doing full-time online classes, but things are starting to wind down for me now, and i'm getting time to think about the things i've been able to do and the things i haven't, and let me tell you, the list of things i haven't gotten done is much longer than the list of things that i have gotten done. it's kind of crazy to think about.

i'm leaving here in just over 3 weeks, and i've gotten nothing ready to go yet...i'm so totally unprepared to leave, and yet, i can't wait to go. it's gonna be a great reunion with friends when i get there! well, i need to get going and finish my school work...i've just got 2 more tests and a set of essay questions to turn in, and then i'm done until next month! and, i'll be one month closer to being completely done with school! i'm super excited about that, but at the same time, i'm really scared to be done with school...it's kind of the fear of the unknown, i guess. well, now i really need to go. i hope that you, my reader, have a great day, and i'm taking the time right now to wish you a merry Christmas because i don't know when i'll be writing in here again...i'm not so great at keeping up with this thing.

the right place

this is kind of inspired by something someone close to me wrote recently. you know who you are...i think

i was talking with my mom the other night, and we were talking about my life over the past several months. i stayed at home for a semester to work and take online classes. while i was home, i learned some valuable lessons about who i am, and about my relationship with God. one thing i learned was that even when we don't deserve something, God can choose to bless us.

a little background to that: i recently changed my major, and for my new major, i have to have an internship. i was told that you need to start applying for internships at least 2 semesters before you want to be doing it. smart person i am didn't apply for any internships. for some reason, i thought that i would apply later, and i kept saying that to myself. then, all of a sudden, it was october, and i hadn't applied for an internship, and i wanted to be starting my internship in june. this was no good. through some random connections i have, i ended up with an interview on october 31, and i was pretty excited about that. then, i showed up for the interview-ish thing, and quickly got discouraged. they were looking for someone who needed an internship right away, and they didn't need anyone over the summer. great. then, the lady i was talking with got an idea and went into the other room and came back with someone else. this other person needed an intern for the summer and was super happy to be meeting with me. and, a couple short weeks later, i was handed a job description, and i have the internship starting in may.

so, as my mom and i were talking, she brought out this book that she used when talking with my brother at one point, and she showed it to me. the circumstances surrounding my decision to stay at home probably weren't the best things in the world, but i know that this is where i was supposed to be for this school term. here's an excerpt from what my mom showed me earlier tonight:

"Thank You that You have me in the place You want me just now...that even if I got here through wrong choices of indifference or even rebellion, yet You knew my mistakes and sins before I ever existed, and You worked them into Your plan to draw me to Yourself, to mold and bless me, and to bless others through me.

Thank You that I can safely commit my location and situation to You. I can 'be willing for you to shift me anywhere on life's checkerboard, or bury me anywhere in life's garden, gladly yielding myself for You to please Yourself with, anywhere and anyway You choose' (source unknown)

So I rest in the fact that You have me in this place for this day, and I praise You that You will faithfully guide me throughout life to just where You want me to be, as I seek to do Your will.

And most important of all is my place in You. How delighted I am to have You as my dwelling place where I can settle down, feel secure and be content anywhere on earth...You are my blessed home, 'where I can enter and be at rest even when all around and above is a sea of trouble' (Andrew Murray). How my soul delights to hide in the secret of Your presence...to take refuge in the shadow of Your wings, to eat at Your table, to drink my fill of the river of Your delights. How blessed I am, my King and my God, for You have chosen me, and brought me near, to live in Your presence, to behold Your delightfulness, to seek Your counsel...And to think that I will dwell in Your house forever!"


this is something i was thinking about...if i hadn't stayed at home, i wouldn't have this amazing internship opportunity in a Christian environment with people that i enjoy being around working for a cause that i believe in.

and, although i didn't understand being torn away from the friends that had come to be a part of my daily life from september through may, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. i'm seriously so excited to be heading back to that side of the country in just over a month.

right now, something is confusing me a lot. i don't know what i should do about it, and i'm hoping that it doesn't come up before i'm 3,000 miles away listening to my friends call someone their future friend-in-law...because that makes me laugh...and it doesn't make my head hurt from listening to them...thinking about what's going on right now in my life makes my head hurt a lot, and i don't like it at all. it's kind of bittersweet...

here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

who holds your heart?

so, i read a bumper sticker this weekend, and it said, "Dear heart, I met a boy today. Prepare to shatter."

now, in the world's eyes, this might be kind of funny, but it started making me think. are we, as humans, supposed to trust our hearts in the hands of other humans who can damage them? i know that when you are in a relationship and everything, you're going to trust that person with everything that you are, but just in general, i was really thinking about myself, i guess. i've completely given my heart to God to hold. He is the only One who has the right to in my opinion. He is the only One who isn't going to crush you or damage you, so the seat of your emotions should be rooted in Him, not in some boy or girl that you may have met recently.

i know that when you're married or in a deeply committed relationship things are going to be different. you can give that person the key to your heart.

i guess i've also been challenged by a hymn recently. the end of the last verse says, "here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above." and i truly believe that God should be the One who has our hearts in His more than capable hands. when you give your life over to Him, you are giving Him your everything, and i believe that something as simple as your heart should be in His hands instead of in the hands of another fallen human being. i believe that there would be a lot less heartache if we were to leave our hearts in the hands of their Creator and trust Him to care for them instead of trusting someone who is no better at life than we are.






okay, so i don't really know if that last post made sense to you as a reader, but it was a random thought that i had to get out, and i didn't really know where else to put it, so i thought here was a good place. and, in case you don't know and want to know, the name of the hymn i referenced earlier in the post is "Come, Thou Fount".

falling in love with these verses...

Christ's love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do. Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own. Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you. How? you ask. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God.


2 Corinthians 5:14-21 (The Message)

life is a bit better now than it was a few weeks ago...i think i'm starting to get a hang of this whole staying at home for a semester thing...well, i should probably get back downstairs...i'm making dinner...nachos...yum!

i'm singing this today...

break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before You. when You meet me here i am found, in all my weakness. my gifts alone can't amke a sound, that You are pleased with. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.

Holy Father uncover me. You, the truth that set me free. break my pride 'till all i see, is all of You uncovering me.

Your gaze has brought me to my knees. Lord, i am broken. my heart alone is all You see, exposed and open. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.

Holy Father uncover me. You, the truth that set me free. break my pride 'till all i see, is all of You uncovering me.

break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. break me, take me, make me new. broken, surrendered, before you. the light of Your presence reveals my heart. it's there in that moment i'm set apart.




title: uncover
sung by: liberty university campus praise band

okay, not a lot has happened in the last month...i just realized that i hadn't posted on here in a month and decided to give whatever readers i have a little note to say that i'm still alive!

i'm working at the courthouse athletic club in the kids court and at the salem academy preschool and daycare (yeah...that's right...2 different jobs...but both dealing with children).

so far i like both of my jobs which is nice. i LOVE working at the courthouse, and i just started at salem academy, so i'm not quite sure how that one is gonna go. well, i'm super hungry, and i have to post something on blackboard for my english class. i hope you all have a wonderful day!

so i didn't end up leaving. i'm home this semester to pay off some debt...and then go back in january. that's all for now...i think...