these lyrics have been on my heart for days, and i just have to get this out:
and i will live to carry Your compassion
to love a world that's broken
to be Your hands and feet
and i will give with the life that i've been given
and go beyond religion
to see the world be changed
by the power of Your Name
another set of lyrics on my heart are:
Your Name is Jesus, Your Name is Jesus
You're the Wonderful Counselor, my friend
You're what i hold on to
i know that You brought me through
all the days of loss to the cross
you knew i'd need a Savior
definition - broken: fragmented, ruptured, torn, fractured, weakened in strength or spirit.
currently, i am working in a ministry with broken women. women who have come to the end of their ropes, and they are in my care as their last resort for gaining a successful life. when you think of a broken person, especially as a christian, you think of someone who is broken by conviction by the Lord, but these women are not broken that way. many of them are facing divorce, many of them are unable to see their children because of what they have done. many of them have disorders and diseases that are brought on by their addiction. addiction is all they have known. disorder is all they have known. they have had so much trauma in their lives that you can't imagine what they have been through. they live moment to moment and everything they want is something that they demand to have right as soon as they want it, and if you ask them to wait, they blow up. they come from a world where it is okay to prostitute yourself in order to get your next hit of your drug of choice. some come straight from the streets, others come from prison, and a very few come from suburban homes to our facility. anxiety disorders are commonplace. depression runs rampant through them. they know that they are going to lose EVERYTHING if this program does not work for them.
the first 40 days are the hardest. those are the days in which we are learning about who they are and where they have come from. we are learning about all of the things that they want to keep secret. no matter how well they think that they have hidden the secret, it does get found out. God is all over this place, and He is ardently pursuing their hearts. the devil SO wants to keep them in their despair. he attacks them through PTSD flashbacks, through family problems, through arguments, through the desire to hide their issues and their problems from everyone they come into contact with.
many people look at these women and see the lowest form of human there is. people look and wonder what on earth could have drug them to the addiction that they suffer from. many people believe that there is merely a choice that leads people to an addiction, and they do not understand the full extent of mental illness. many people see the mental illness and believe that this was brought upon themselves because of their addiction.
the thought that addiction is merely a choice is a very narrow-minded thought. mental illness is not brought on by addiction, but rather, addiction is a way of medicating a mental illness.
all these women have ever known is chaos and addiction. they come from families where generations upon generations have suffered from addiction. they come from families who have defiled them in unimaginable ways. they do not know any other way of life, and they come into the care of this facility and program to try and learn a new way of life.
only about one in ten makes it through the program. only one in ten learns this new way of life well enough to thrive outside these walls. what the others learn is that they have a choice, but sadly, many of them choose to return to what they have known for their whole lives instead of choosing the better life in God.
to be someone who can help these women see the love that God has for them is amazing. my shift today consisted of cleaning. that's all i did. the women all have chores throughout the facility, and they have not been doing well at keeping them up, so, my coworker and i decided to show them one of the ultimate ways to serve - we cleaned for them, and we are getting none of the credit. we were on our hands and knees for eight hours scrubbing and organizing and disinfecting everything in the facility. the women saw and asked what they could do to help, and we told them to go on with their day. they asked why we were doing this, and we said that it was to serve.
i work in a job where i can freely talk about the Lord, but if i am not living out the things that He commands, and if i am not living out the things that i am saying, i am worth nothing. we are teaching these women to love one another, and i am learning daily what it means to be love. some verses that are always on my heart are these: "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but them face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
what sticks out to me the most right now in these verses is the part in which it says, "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." for these women, i have to bear their burdens. i have to bear all of the things in life that bring them anxiety. i have to believe for them that healing and restoration are possible. i have to believe for them that they are more than their addictions have led them to be. i have to believe for them that a successful life is possible. i have to believe for them that God loves them and desires a relationship with them. i have to hope with them that redemption is possible. i have to hope with them that change is probable. i have to hope with them that forgiveness is available for them. i have to hope with them that they can be successful. i have to endure with them the stressful times of just wanting to go out and give in to the addiction. i have to endure the blowups when someone touches on a subject that hits a little too close to home. i have to endure the trauma flashbacks with them. i have to endure for them.
i was talking with my coworker today, and we mentioned the fruit of the Spirit. we were realizing that we daily have to be living out those things as well, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit." we need to be daily surrendering our lives to God, otherwise we will not make it through life here. we need to be living out the fruit of the Spirit. i already talked about living out love, but we also have to be joyful in serving. we need to maintain peace for them. we need to be patient when they are being unreasonable. we need to be kind when they are demanding. we need to be good so that they can see God in us. we need to be faithful to them and to God because no one has ever been faithful to them in their lives. we need to treat them gently because a harsh word stirs up much trauma. we need to be self-controlled to model to them what self-control means. we need to be self-controlled because if we do not control ourselves, we are reminding them of their lives before coming to this place. we need to maintain our self-control in the face of their outbursts because if we let our flesh take over, we will not be able to bear with them and allow them to calm down and regain a more rational mindset.
one Bible passage that i have to constantly have in my mind is this, "They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, 'Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?' This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, 'Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.' And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' She said, 'No one, Lord.' And Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and from no on, sin no more.'" if Jesus hung out with the sinners, why do we as christians surround ourselves with christians? why are not more christians reaching out to the people that the world sees as the lowest form of person? what are most christians doing about this? they are saying that someone else will take care of these people. yes, someone else will come along, but that is only because God does not need me to accomplish this, but how much better is it that i am walking in His will. God loves the outcasts, so why do those who claim to love God keep away from the outcasts.
there are many in the world who will look at what i am doing and think that it is great, but at the same time, not really understand. there are many christians who will look at what i am doing and wonder how i can surround myself daily with people who have lived in so much sin in their lives.
we are in a battle. we are battling for souls. the battle is not one in the physical world, but at the same time, it is so relevant in the physical world. i have seen wounded women oppressed by demonic spirits. i have seen wounded women become more wounded by the church. i have seen wounded women come to the Lord and pray for the healing that only He can bring. i have hugged and loved wounded women. i have seen wounded women cry out to the Lord to be delivered, and i have seen Him answer, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." i have seen wounded women receive healing through the power and the grace of Jesus Christ. what does it matter that they come from a sinful life? i came from a sinful life. no, i did not use drugs. no, i did not drink. no, i did not prostitute myself. all sin is the same in the eyes of the Lord. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." i fall short of His glory just as much as they do. if i can be healed from my past and made into a new person in the Lord, then so can they.
these women that i work with are all amazing women. in the words of my wonderful coworker, "i can sometimes see who she could have been if she had not suffered the trauma that led to her addiction, and it is up to me to show her."
it is up to me to show her what life can be outside of addiction, and i must be full of love - if i am full of love, the other things will follow, but love is the first thing that i must put on in the morning. my job description is as simple as this, "to love, serve, and build relationships with broken women."
