I know...

It's been a while. I'm still alive in case anyone was wondering. It has just been a long year. I'm ready for a break. Ready for things to go smoothly for a little while, but I realized something. At some point these last few months, I stopped looking to God again. I know that it is something that we all do from time to time, but I still feel like I should have done better, especially when I've seen what God can do through one life so well over this past year. I know that my strength to endure comes from Him, but sometimes I get so sidetracked by what is going on right around me.

On Sunday evening, I went to a different church than the one I am a member at (my church didn't have evening service, and I was going with a few friends), and wow. This was exactly the sermon I needed to hear right before beginning my week. Holy cow! This pastor is going through Psalm 23 and taking each verse and having that be the text for an entire sermon. Sunday, we were on verse 3, "He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake."

Such a simple verse, right? Wrong. You have to look at the whole context of this - I know that most know that already, but just a reminder. You can't forget that this whole chapter is talking of The Shepherd with His sheep, so you need to look into how a shepherd guides his sheep. Did you know that sheep do not have great vision? Did you know that they can only see a short distance? Isn't that so like us in the world? I can't see into eternity - let's be honest, I can't even see into tomorrow, but The Shepherd can. He can see that mountain ahead that I'm going to have to climb, and He can see where it is that I will struggle as I'm climbing. He can also see the other paths that are going to draw my attention away from Him, but He is going to lead me to that mountain anyways, because He knows that it is the best way for me to get to where He wants me to be. There is probably a different way, maybe going around the mountain, but He needs me to go over that mountain.

Now, I'm not claiming to know that there is a mountain ahead of me. I'm not really claiming to know anything about my future, but I know that if there is a mountain ahead of me, I need to be keeping my eyes fixed on God. I need to not allow my vision to stray from Him because I can easily get myself into a load of trouble with depression and anxiety.

So, going back to the verse, "He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." Did you see that middle part? "He leads me in the paths of righteousness" So, God is leading me as I go through life, but He is leading me in the paths of righteousness. If I am consumed with what is going on in the here and now instead of making sure to follow Him as He leads me, then I'm going to get VERY off-track, and when I look up to try and find Him, He may not be right in front of me, because He isn't going to lead me down a path that isn't righteousness. I might need to turn around and pick up a Bible to find out where it was that I left Him and go back to that place and begin following again.

There are so many times in the Bible when we are compared to sheep, and I find it so fitting because whenever I've looked up the metaphor to see its accuracy, it has been dead on. We, as humans, are so like sheep, it is kind of crazy. As much as I don't want to be compared to a barnyard animal, I am one. The things I do to try and cover that up don't work, and I am still a sheep. I need to embrace that and follow closely to my Lord.

I've recently been feeling like I'm not where God wants me anymore, and maybe that is why I've been looking away from Him. I want to stay here because it is comfortable. I want to stay here to remain close to my brother's memory. I want to stay in my job because I know I have security in this. I'm afraid to try something new and fail. But, what if God is leading me to a greater purpose? What if I'm supposed to go out on a limb and see what happens? What if I'm meant for more than this? I need to keep Him in my line of vision and stay close so that I see when it is that I am supposed to move forward. To see where it is that I am supposed to be.

Kind of amazing how changing just one little part of your routine puts you exactly where you need to be to hear exactly what you need to hear so that you kick yourself in the butt and go back to where you know you are supposed to be with God.

Turning a corner...

I believe that I am turning a corner. Don't get me wrong, I can still cry at the drop of a hat, but there is more of a lightness in my attitude each day. I find myself knitting less (I started knitting August 10th and haven't really stopped in more than 6 months) and enjoying doing other things. I'm enjoying time with my friends a little more. I'm enjoying exercising and meeting with my teen girl (she's not mine, but she's a girl I hang out with a lot). I finally made an appointment with my doctor to talk about anxiety and other things. It was amazing to be able to talk with her and get some answers about things that I didn't have answers for before. I'm going to her again in a month for a followup.

I find myself thinking that I should be knitting  because I haven't been doing as much of it, but then I look at my yarn and think, "I don't need you today." It has become a little harder to start projects because I don't feel the need to compulsively knit anymore. I'm a little more choosy about what I knit since I'm not knitting just to knit anymore. I want to begin selling things, so sometimes I can't be as choosy, but it does feel nice to be choosy. I like sifting through different projects and waiting until I find the perfect yarn to begin something. there is just something super peaceful about that - knitting because I enjoy it...not because I feel like I need to in order to keep my hands busy and not think about this past year.

I'm so thankful for the years I got with my brother. He was such an amazing older brother and friend. Someone I love and respected. Someone whom I will never forget and will always with I had more time with.

6 months

6 months ago today Jason went Home. I can't believe it has been this long. It is amazing to me how time just arbitrarily moves on without our permission.

Today, I am remembering my brother with joy, but am also sad that he isn't here to celebrate with me the purchase of a new phone. I will be spending time with friends later. I love and miss my brother more than I can say, but I know that he is in a much better place. As much as I would love to be meeting up with him at Gov Cup in an hour or two, I wouldn't wish him back from where he is.

Wow

Okay, so I know that God has a plan. I know that He is in control. I know.

But, sometimes I wonder what He is doing.

5 months and 3 days ago, my brother went home. To his heavenly home. I'm still sad most of the time. Sometimes I can't believe that he is actually gone.

3 months and 3 days ago, my great grandmother went home. Also to her heavenly home. She was ready, we were ready for her, but it is still so fresh.

Last night, my dear friend Katie went home. To her heavenly home. Katie and I knew each other because we worked together at summer camp. We spent 2 amazing summers together serving God and being crazy around kids. It was fantastic. We had drifted apart in the last few years due to different life circumstances, but we still talked on occasion. In fact, when Jason died, she drove 6 hours to come to the funeral because she knew I would need a friend. She and I had been talking about me going up to WA to visit her there sometime soon. It is hard to believe that another good friend has left this life.

Yet another reminder to tell the people you love that you love them. You don't know how long they will be here.

New Year - New Beginnings

2011 was probably the worst year of my life so far. I lost my brother - one of my best friends. Sometimes I still can't believe that I will never speak to him again. Some days it is so much that I can hardly breathe. This beginning of a year is bittersweet - I'm ready for 2011 to be behind me...I'm ready for a new year, but, I'm not ready to live a year without him. I know I have to, but I'm not ready to be in this position.

2012 has hopes to be a better year - I'm hoping for no hospitals, no funerals. I know only God is in control, but it does look more promising.

Here's to beginning a new year, whether I'm ready for it or not.

Traditions

Traditions have always been very important in my family. We used to go out to a movie on Thanksgiving - that tradition kind of died when I went away to school and we replaced it with going to a movie on Christmas day. We open all of our Christmas presents on Christmas Eve because my mom didn't want us to believe in Santa. We have potato soup on Christmas Eve and roast on Christmas Day. And, those are just the beginning.

One of my favorite traditions will never happen again. One of the many things that has changed about life since Jason went to heaven. This tradition happens on December 22nd. Jason and I would get up in the morning and go get coffee and then we would go purchase his Christmas presents for others. We would go get lunch and then go home where we would proceed to watch a movie while I would wrap the presents and put them under the tree, and then we would make dinner before mom got home (if we were home in time for that...sometimes we weren't).

As it has gotten closer to the 22nd this year, I find myself having a hard time. It was a day that always revolved around Jason - ever since I was 13. It has been a tradition for 1/2 of my life, and I don't know how to deal with it not revolving around him. One thing I am glad for is having friends here in Oregon who are willing to set aside things in their lives to support me. I don't know what tomorrow is going to look like, but I know that I have friends who will be there for me when I need support.

#13

**Last one ahead of time - I'll be back in town for the 14th**

I'm thankful for my cousins - both far and near. They are a joy in my life, and I've loved spending time with them and knowing their individual personalities. I'm so proud of the amazing young men and women that they have grown up to be.

#12

I'm thankful for an amazing apartment to live in. I'm thankful that in the midst of all of the chaos of my life, I have a little place to call home.

#11

**Posting early as I will be out of town for a few days**

I'm thankful for a church family that has been so supportive through everything I have been through in the past several months.

#10

I'm thankful for a pastor who serves his church with humility, even when things around him seem to be crumbling.

#9

I'm thankful for a close group of friends (both in proximity to where I live as well as relationship). I'm thankful that these friends are friends who desire to serve God no matter what they are doing. I'm so encouraged by them and their testimonies of how God is using them at work. What is super encouraging is that last night we gathered at a house and spent about 45 minutes praying. First for the leadership of our church and then for the former coworker of one in the group whose wife just unexpectedly died a few days ago. It is fantastic to have them as part of my life.

#8

**Last one for today**

I'm super thankful for my friends who live all over the country. The ones that are in Texas, Virginia, and Kansas. They have been such amazing support and comic relief through college and I LOVE that we all still keep in touch. Maybe not as much as we all wished we did (except for with Em - she and I talk daily which I love), but it is evident that we don't need the constant communication to keep the friendship alive. When we were all together in June, you couldn't tell that we hadn't all been together in 2 years. We just picked up where we were and went from there. It was fantastic. I'm looking forward to the next reunion...in what needs to be LESS than a year and a half away.

#7

I'm thankful for an amazing job. I joke about my job somewhat often because it is fairly easy most of the time, and they are super flexible about everything, but I really do love my job. I love all of the people I work with. It is great to be able to stop in the middle of the day and share prayer requests with each other. They were amazing through everything that has happened in the last several months, and I can't imagine working anyplace else.

#6

I'm thankful for an amazing step-father. He is everything that a father is supposed to be, even though he isn't my father. He was there for my college graduation. He was there the day that Jason went into the hospital. He was there every day that Jason was in the hospital. He was there the day that Jason died. He was there the day that great grandma died. And, he continues to be there. He loves my mom so much, and I'm so thankful that she found him.

#5

Ha! I got a few days behind again...sorry!

So, I'm super thankful for an amazing roommate. She is encouraging and there for me when I need her. We truly do well living together. I love that when I try a new diet thing she is right there beside me saying, "Okay, what is it that we aren't eating this month?" It is super fantastic to live with someone like her. I can't imagine how I would have made it through the last several months without her standing beside me and encouraging me through everything.

#4

I'm thankful for a completely amazing step-father. He is the newest addition to our family, and I couldn't have asked for anyone more perfect for my mom. He fits right into the family and you would never have known that he hasn't always been around. He is loving and encouraging. He is steadfast. He has been our strength through these last few months. I cannot imagine how we would have made it through without him in our lives.

#3

I'm thankful for having been not only Jason's little sister, but also his friend. I'm thankful for the time I was able to spend with him before God called him home. I'm thankful for everything he was in my life, and I'm grateful for the fact that as we aged, the sibling relationship grew fainter as the friendship grew stronger. I miss him every day, and I'm still not sure what life is supposed to be like without him, but I know that he is much better off where he is.

#2

Okay, I know this is a day late going up, but I kinda forgot to post this last night, so here we go now! I'll post #3 later today.

I'm super thankful for my mom. She is the strongest person I know, and I am grateful to not only call her mom, but to also call her friend. I haven't seen her in a little while, but I'm excited to spend most of the day Saturday with her - going to the yarn store and just hanging out. I hope that when I'm older I'm a lot like her - people tell me now that I'm like her, but I hope that as I get older I continue to be more like her. She's simply amazing.

#1

I've decided that I'm going to attempt to post something each day leading up to Thanksgiving that I am thankful for. I believe that we spend so much time wrapped up in other things that the meaning of the holidays seems to get lost in the busyness of the season. So, here goes:

I am truly thankful for my salvation. I have done nothing to deserve this gift, and I am grateful that it has been given to me. I don't know where I would be in life without God, and I'm glad that I don't have to know.

Confessions

This is hard to write. Hard to admit, but I have to start somewhere, so here goes:

#1 - I stopped reading my Bible.
              I was feeling distant from God, so for some reason, not reading made sense to me. Instead, I read Harry Potter and other books. The verses I wrote about in the previous post were ones I heard in a sermon and had thought about for a while - that was a post that I had actually written out a long time ago in a journal, I just put it online for the first time last week.

#2 - I stopped praying.
              Well, I had already felt distant and stopped reading my Bible, so why not stop praying as well? At least, that's the logic that seemed so fine with me.

#3 - I've been feeling depressed.
              Shocker, right? Feeling distant from God followed by no communication with Him and I begin feeling depressed. Good job, Chels.

#4 - I tried to eat myself out of feeling depressed.
              You wanna know what doesn't work to get you out of depression? Having to wear your fat jeans on a daily basis because you can't fit into your regular jeans. Yes, that is where I am right now. Too bad my fat jeans have holes in the knees - that means I can't wear them to work, meaning I have to squeeze into my not-so-fat pants and be ridiculously uncomfortable all day at work. Enter more depression here.

#5 - I've had no accountability.
              My roommate has been house-sitting and out of town for a month and a half, so there was no one here to be accountable to - no one to watch my actions and question them. No one to ask me if I really wanted to eat that fifth brownie (no, I did not have brownies, but they sound good today so that was the example I used).

#6 - I used a lame excuse to not hang out with someone.
              I'm not usually one to pass up a hanging out opportunity, but I've used several stupid excuses recently to not see people, and when I couldn't get out of seeing people, I stayed very quiet and kind of on my own in the background.

#7 - I know better than this.
              I know better than to do any of these things. I have no excuses.




I know that I'm still grieving over the loss of my brother. Some days I miss him so much it hurts - like, literally, it hurts - there is real physical pain. But, does this grief give me the right to do these things? I don't think so. I know that I need to heal in my own way and in my own time, but I can't allow myself to fall into this pit of depression as I try to move through because then I will get stuck.

So, here I am, saying to all of you, I'm going to get out of the house (err...apartment...). I'm going to join the gym tomorrow (I know that sounds like procrastination, but it is almost 11pm and the gym isn't open right now.) I'm going to begin reading my Bible again, even though I don't feel like it. I'm going to start praying again, even though I don't feel like it. And, I'm going to make the effort to do things with my friends. I will not forget my brother. I will not forget the amazing person he was. I will allow myself to feel the pain of my loss, but I will not allow that pain to consume me. I know that it isn't going to be an easy journey, but I need to make the effort. I need to do the things that God has commanded His children to do. Commands aren't things that we get to decide if we will or won't do. These things were not suggestions. God is in control and I need to submit to His authority.

Thank you all for bearing with me through these confessions. I need to begin saying them out loud, and I thought a good starting point for telling people would be here.