Time

I'm still alive. Apparently I'm really bad at keeping up with this blogging thing, but then again, I'm really bad at a lot of things…

I'm feeling unsatisfied with life right now. I love my job and what I get to do, but I know that it isn't what I want to do forever. I love where I'm living, but I don't want to live here forever.

I feel ready for the next step in my life, but I don't know what it is. I feel ready to be doing something different, but I don't know what it is.

I see others my age accomplishing so much right now, and I feel like I've been in the same place for so long and I'm tired of it.

It is time for me to do something to change this.

As we begin another new year...

I've been blown away once again by the teens from my church. They are open and vulnerable with their leaders. Last year, I said that you would find me with the teenagers, and I want to let you all know, that's where I will be again. If you wonder where to find me - just look for the teenagers. I am excited to help them grow and keep the resolutions they made at TLC this year. They have humbled me so much - I know that there is so much I can learn from them.

So, excuse me while I re-live my youth. I will once again be with the teens.

Depression

In the wake of the tragic death of another celebrity, I have a lot of acquaintances on social media saying that he was selfish and now has no hope. That his suicide is being glorified. From the insensitivity of the words in these posts, I can tell that they have never been there. I can tell that this isn't something that has ever been a struggle for them, so I wanted to say something here about how I feel about their posts.

Depression is not something you can know about until you have actually experienced it. You might have days where you feel down, but you will KNOW when you experience depression. It is not something that is easily changed. It is not something that you want to even admit that you are struggling with. It is something that you would like to bury deeper in yourself and hope that no one notices this blackness that is creeping over you. It is something that you wish would just go away but you don't have the strength to seek the help needed for it. It is something that you need your friends and family to rally around you and point out that things aren't right in your life. They need to advocate for you and help you get the help that you need. You don't have the strength on your own so you need your family and friends to have the strength for you.

I'm so sorry for the family of this most recent celebrity who felt the need to take his own life, but one thing that I'm glad is happening in the wake of this tragedy is that people are being made more aware of how devastating depression can be. The dark hole that is depression is having some light shed on it and hopefully more people will be reached and helped through their darkness and find the light at the end of the tunnel that seems never ending. I'm so thankful that I had friends and family who didn't allow me to retreat into myself during my hardest point in my depression. If they hadn't been there for me, I don't know where I would be today.

Please, See Me Through My Tears

You asked, "How are you doing?"…
As I told you, tears came to my eyes…you immediately began to talk again, your eyes looked away from me, your speech picked up, and all the attention you had given me went away…

How am I doing? I do better when people will listen to my response, even though I may shed a tear or two…for I so want their attention; but to be ignored because I have in me pain which is indescribable to anyone who has not been there…I hurt and feel angry. So when you look away, I am again alone with it…

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!
They're Nature's way of helping me to heal…
They relieve some of the stress of sadness.
I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brought this sadness to me…
No, you're wrong…the memory of my brother's death will always be with me, only a thought away.
It's just that my tears make my pain more visible to you…but you did not give me the pain…it's just there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless? You're not, you know.
When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you've helped me more than you can know.

You need not verbalize your support of my tears…your silence as I cry is my key…do not fear.

You're listening with your heart to "How are you doing?" helps relieve the pain, because once I allow the tears to come and go, I feel lighter. Talking to you releases things I've been wanting to say aloud, and then there's space for a touch of joy in my life.

Honest…when I tear up and cry, that doesn't mean I'll cry forever - maybe just a minute or two - then I'll wipe the tears away, and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing at something funny ten minutes later.

When I hold back my tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches and my stomach begins to knot up…because I'm trying to protect you from my tears…then we both hurt…me, because I've kept the pain inside and it's a shield against our closeness, and then you hurt because suddenly, we're distant.

Please, take my hand…and I promise not to cry forever…(it's physically impossible, you know).

When you see me through my tears…then we can be close again.

~Kelly Osmont

it's been a while...

well, i guess it is time to post something on here...

the last several months have been going pretty well. i am once again working at harry ritchies temporarily to try and pay down my debt faster. it is going fairly well so far.

i was also able to go to TLC with the youth group from my church this year as a leader. it was extremely impactful in my life as well as the lives of the teens. i don't think they know how much their leaders appreciate them, but i'm making it my mission this next year to help them understand that fact.

the theme this year at TLC was "it's time" and everything built off of that. we talked about the value of time and how once it is spent, time is never something that you can get back. it isn't like if you accidentally buy the wrong size shoes at the store and you can return them, you can't return your time if you spent it on something that didn't matter or something that you realized later wasn't the right thing to spend it on. this is something i've been thinking a lot about since we got back, and i've decided that i really want to make sure that i'm spending my time wisely. i want to make sure that i'm honoring God with my time, and i want to invest in the lives of others. i do some of that in my job, but i'm talking about the things outside what i get paid to do. i need to make sure that i'm investing in the lives of those teenagers that i spent 3 days with in the middle of nowhere. i need to make sure that they understand how much they are loved and appreciated by their leaders, even if i can't make them see that from another leader, they are going to see that from me.

so, here i am going into the beginning of another year. i don't make new years resolutions because i think they are kind of stupid...why only resolve to do something at the new year? God gave us new days all year long, and there is no reason for me to wait until a new year to make a resolution in my heart and mind.

this year, i do not resolve to do anything different than i have any other year. my goal is to love God and serve Him with everything i have, and at this point, i believe part of that is spending time with the youth at my church, so that is where you will find me. i'll be sitting with the teenagers and going to their sunday school classes and playing games with them during youth group in the evenings. i will be going to concerts with them and reading the books they are interested in. i will be watching their tv shows and movies. i will be getting down on their level and helping them realize more of who God is. i will be crying with them over resolutions they have made and struggle with. i will be on my knees day after day for these teenagers because life today is so much worse than it was when i was their age. i will not be neglecting them because they are the people God has chosen for me to serve. so, if you need to find me this year, just look for the teens. i'll probably be there. :)

when you're so sure

so, i have to say that i've been guilty of assuming i know what God's plan for me is...even getting mad when i found out that He had something different planned. this has happened so many times that recently, i decided that from the beginning i was going to pray that if it wasn't His plan, i would be okay with it.

then His plan was revealed in this situation, and you know what? i'm okay. i'm not going to die because MY plan wasn't  GOD'S plan. i'm actually really okay with whatever His plan turns out to be. i just know that right now, His plan is not for me to move to mississippi...even when i was fairly sure that i would be moving.

isn't it amazing? you can be SO sure of something and then God. He comes along and says, "no, child. that's not what i want for you right now." and it is just amazing how it can all work out when you aren't so focused on your own plan.

let's be honest

it has been a long time. i've sat down many times to write a post, and i have several unfinished ones, but that is where they will remain - unfinished.

i've reached a point recently that i can't ignore in my life. i've reached a point of not being able to run anymore. i don't know if i've mentioned it here or not, but when i left new york, i was running away from ministry. i was running away from what God had called me to do with my life. i was broken, empty, and running, so i ran home - into the loving and ever comforting arms of my family. these past three-and-a-half years have been amazing. i've grown so much...and my heart has healed. my heart took some time to be filled with God, but it has healed. i'll be honest, my heart had healed from the brokenness of new york a little over 2 years ago. i remember talking with jason about wanting to either go back to school or get back into full-time ministry. i wasn't sure which one God was leading me towards, and he was mentioning the same thing. we were excited for each other as we pursued new avenues of life. then, a couple short weeks later, jason got sick, and everything else didn't seem nearly as important as that. when he left this earth, my heart wasn't just broken, it was shattered. i didn't know how to breathe anymore, and i seriously questioned God during that time.

it took some time...many, many months...for my heart to not be questioning anymore, and it took even longer for my heart to feel whole again.

so i sit here now ready for what God has next. i sit here now ready to dive into full-time ministry again. i know that it is going to be draining, but it will be a good kind of draining.

i'm waiting to hear about a job at a church. this job would be my dream job. i would be working with junior high and high school girls. training leaders and helping them reach others. just thinking about that environment makes my heart excited. i know that God could definitely take me in another direction, but right now, i have faith that this could be the job that i didn't know i was waiting for. the job that i didn't know He was preparing me for. the job where i lean on Him as He leads me to lead others.

let's be adventurous.

breaking my heart

so, for those who don't know, i work in the pro-life world. i spend my days educating people about the harsh realities of abortion. i know that it is not glamorous work and sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach, but i also know that it is what i am supposed to be doing for now.

if you aren't in tune with the pro-life world, let me just educate you a little bit on what is going on. a while ago an abortion doctor was arrested in a drug raid on his clinic. what those who went in found was appalling. it has since become known as a house of horrors. there was blood on the floor and on the furniture. there were cats roaming around and using the entire building as their litter box. surgical instruments were dirty. and many other things that i will not name because they will definitely make you sick. it was found out that he had been delivering babies alive and snipping their spinal cords to kill them. this is no longer abortion. this is now murder.

well, this week, the jury handed down their verdict. he was found guilty of many, many things, but also found not guilty of several things.

now to my point of this post... a lady called in the day after the jury handed down their verdict and she was upset about the fact that there was one infant that they couldn't prove he had killed after it was born so he was found not guilty. her statement to me before she got off the phone was, "well then maybe there isn't a God if this can happen." wow... i had no response for her that would allow me time in the day to finish my work. it breaks my heart that the actions of a man so far away from us here have caused this woman to question the existence of God.

i don't have to look very far to see His existence. i live in a beautiful area of the country where God's handiwork is so easily seen just looking out your window...even today when i can't see the mountains.

God is good all the time. i know this to be true in my life. i know this to be true in the lives of many of my friends. even if you don't want to admit it during a trial, God is still good. you know who isn't good? humans. we aren't good. we can never be good. God gave us free will because He wanted us to choose to love Him. what fun is being loved if the person HAS to love you? none. well, that free will that He gave us ended up costing us everything. we were thrown out of the garden of eden - the most beautiful and perfect place - and we now have a struggle with sin. something that our free will gives in to often.

while i'm saddened and sickened by the things that took place in that abortion clinic, one thing i know is that the God i serve is a redeeming God. He loves all humankind and He sent His Son to pay the penalty of our sins...even the sins of that abortion doctor who probably killed hundreds of babies through this brutal method.

that's what i love about God - no one is too far gone to be reached by His redeeming love. all are welcomed in with open arms. we just have to receive His gift to us.

i feel sad for this woman who is questioning the existence of God because of this. i know that throughout history there had to be many who questioned God during various wars...even those who were in concentration camps. but the thing is, God is never going to treat people like puppets. we are living breathing human beings with a free will to choose to follow Him or to choose another way. i feel sad for this woman because another person's actions should not make you question God. we live in an imperfect world with an imperfect justice system. if this man does not repent of his sins, he will have to face them on judgement day. if he does, he will be given the same welcome into heaven that we all deserve. just because his sins are out in the open for the world to see doesn't mean that he is any worse than i am. i know how much of a sinner i am, and i would hate to have my sins put on display for everyone to see.

so now, i pray for this man. he will be spending the rest of his life in prison, and i hope that during that time he finds the love of God to redeem him.

1 year 9 months and 9 days.

that's how long it has been since jason left this earth.

today, i miss my brother.

today, i want another hug.

today, i am just a lost little sister.



on this day where we honor our mothers, my mind can't comprehend how to truly honor this woman who has given so much of her life to me. this woman who is the strongest woman i've ever had the privilege of knowing.

how do you honor your mother enough when there should be 2 of you to complete this task? how do you honor your mother when all you can think is 'what would he have done for her today'?

that's where i am today.

desiring to honor my mother enough for both of us. i don't know how that will be accomplished, but that is where i am today.

dear 16-year-old me...

i've seen this done several times around the internet, and thought i would join in, so here goes...

dear 16-year-old me,

i know life is hard. believe me. i was there. in fact, i'm there with you. i want to give you some advice that a few more years will give you - maybe you'll use this for the better.

first, spend all the time you can with your family. some of them are going to be in brasil before you know it and you will miss out on so much. make time for them.

second, don't freak out about college. you're going to graduate. i promise. take your first 2 years at community college. you don't need to go to a private school right away. you're going to end up going to liberty university in virginia. don't fight it - it is the best decision of your life. make sure that you live in dorm 30 on the 3rd floor. quickly find emily, emily, kim, and jenn and hang on to them. they will get you through your 4 years at liberty. yes, you will be there for 4 years. believe me, it is worth it. make sure to take advantage of your friendship with monica - it will be one of the best decisions of your life.

third, it isn't about you. it is about someone else. always. look for the person it is about, because it isn't about you. reach out to that person and tell them that it will be okay - you've been there - you will walk through this with them.

fourth, spend time with jason. a lot of time. read his books (they're cooler than you think they are, i promise). watch his tv shows. maybe not his movies (a lot of those are fairly awful :). he isn't going to be around forever. i'm not going to tell you too much about that stuff because there needs to be some stuff left for you to experience, but remember that he isn't going to be here forever. you will regret every time you told him you didn't have time.

fifth, mom is WAY cooler than you think she is, and i know exactly how cool you think she is, but i promise, she is cooler. make sure to talk to her at least once a week while you're away at school.

lastly, don't argue with God. He's got a better plan. i know that His plan derails yours, but it is better. look for the better when you think everything is falling apart - you learn a lot through that crash, so i'm not going to spoil it for you, but look for the better instead of trying to argue and hold on to what is falling apart.

safe

have you ever thought that maybe you were safe and let your guard down? ever thought that you didn't need to be worried about something up ahead because you and your family had been through so much recently that surely it was time for a break? i've been there. in fact, i was shocked out of that place early this morning with questions to God about why. why us? hadn't we been through enough? haven't we proven our love to Him these last few years? why is it our turn again? what is it that we aren't learning? or is it like with job where God points out His faithful servants to satan and that's why? (not that i'm claiming that my family is so great, by the way. i know that we have our problems and personal struggles.) is it because we don't have enough faith? is it because somewhere we are not doing God's will?

these questions filled my mind this morning as i cried out to God. i don't know where these issues surfaced from, but i know the God of the universe is there for those who are hurting. i don't know the plan behind this, but i know the God of the universe cares for His children. there are many other things that i don't know, but the one thing i do know is that the God of the universe is in control and i trust Him with that.

my heart is heavy. emotions are running wild today. i can cry at the drop of a hat (and have). so badly i want to scream that it isn't fair, but then i remember that life isn't fair and that we need to be trusting God through everything.


a few days ago, i kept wanting to write something here, but i didn't know what to write. i knew that there was something dying to come out, but i didn't know what it was. i knew something was going on, but i wasn't sure what. now that i'm writing, it seems like some of the thoughts i had a few days ago are pertinent to this situation, but they are thoughts that i'm going to keep to myself because this struggle in my family is so personal to us and not meant for the internet.

something that keeps crossing my mind is that we aren't ready for this. we've barely begun to recover from the past couple years, and now this. we aren't ready...God, help us be ready. help us fight the evil tearing at the seams of our family. help us understand what is going on and what we can do to guard ourselves against this kind of attack in the future. help, please.

waves

that's how it comes. in waves. everything will be fine for a while, and then out of nowhere, this wave sneaks up and completely engulfs you and you feel like you can hardly breathe. it can be something small that you see or smell that brings the wave, or it can just be a sneaky wave.

a year and a half ago, i never knew this kind of grief. i had lost people in the past, but it was when i was younger, and as a child, i didn't fully understand grief, and i really think that having the innocence of a child spares you from this kind of grief. for that, i am grateful. no child should have to experience this.

it has taken me a while to write about this - i've gotten my head above this wave enough to breathe and know once again that i am going to be okay. the experience of the wave leaves me feeling like i'm tumbling around but no one can see. it is a very odd feeling.

i started reading some of his books recently. they make me feel more connected to him. make it seem like he is waiting for me to finish reading the book so we can discuss what i thought of it. i found a new series that i hope to make it all the way through some day, but it probably won't be for a while. i found another series that i want to introduce him to because i think that he would love these books, but he isn't here to read them. i found a book that he checked out from the library 6 years ago and never returned. and in case you were wondering, i have no plans on returning the book. i plan on keeping it because it so reminds me of how forgetful he was. at this point, i'm guessing that the library doesn't miss it anymore.

sometimes all i want to do is call him and talk with him about what is going on - he always knew how to make me calm down and stop panicking about things that were going on (i have a hard time not panicking now...)

i feel God possibly calling me somewhere else, but i want to stay here because he was here and all of my memories of him are here.

i'm only me

there are times that i forget that. there are times when i think that there is so much more that i should be doing. there are times when i try to be someone else for fear that people won't like me. but the fact remains, i am only me. i cannot be someone else - at least not for very long. i cannot pretend that i have it all together when my world has slowly been falling apart.

that's kind of the way life feels recently - like it is falling apart. i feel like just the smallest thing could end up destroying everything, and then sometimes i wonder if that would be a bad thing. would it be a bad thing if God allowed everything i've tried to build for myself fall apart? what would happen then? would i begin living in the life that He wants me to be living in? or would i go and start relying on myself again to build another life that could come crashing down at any moment?

these are things that seem to plague me sometimes. i have a hard time letting go and giving God the control of everything. sometimes i have the nerve to blame another person (some people will know who i'm talking about, but not all will, and i'm not willing to put that online), but in reality, while that person is to blame for causing some of the damage in my life, they are not to blame for the fact that i haven't allowed God to heal me from that damage. i have been fully aware of this for years now, and am sometimes still seething and oozing from those wounds. wounds that i do not wish on anyone. and, in the mean time, life has happened and there are new wounds on my heart. ones that are a lot more fresh - ones that to truly think about bring me to tears. ones i know i can't heal on my own.

i think about the fact that i have left these wounds open - ready to devour anyone who tries to touch on those issues. i know that there is a reason i've gone through those things, isn't it about time for me to heal and figure out that reason? this year. this year is going to be one devoted to healing. one devoted to allowing God to bring the healing only He can bring into my life.

this year will be my year. this year will be amazing.

Exercise

Exercise is necessary for your body. If you want your body to be functioning at its best, you need to be working it. Exercise helps you in so many ways - it staves off depression and anxiety, it helps you sleep, it reduces stress, and SO many more things!

If physical exercise is SO important for your body, shouldn't we also focus on spiritual exercise? Shouldn't we allow our faith to be tested and questioned so that we have to dig for an answer in order to grow our faith? How many times do we wish that a trial or a temptation would go away faster instead of wanting to find the lesson from God through that trial? Doesn't He promise that He will always be with us - that He will always provide a way of escape? Why don't we trust Him in that? What is it about that that makes us question?

Does it work the same way as physical exercise? Do we think that we're doing okay where we are, so we don't need more? We don't need to learn through the trials because we grew up in church so we know everything there is to know.

Sometimes I feel that growing up in the church was a disadvantage for me. Sometimes I see others who got saved later in life and they are SO on fire and they work to learn through struggles and trials, and then I have a hard time. I wonder sometimes if it would have been different if I had become saved later on. Then I realize that is stupid. By growing up in the home environment I did, I was saved from SO MANY bad decisions that I could have made growing up. It is amazing to know this. God loved me enough to save me early on in life, and yet God loved others enough to allow them to struggle. We are all different in our lives - we all need certain circumstances to reach others for Christ.

God in all His infinite wisdom knew that and planned it that way, so I need to get out of my rut and allow Him to teach me through trials.

I am Israel.

You know how in church we read those stories about how Israel would make these promises to God only to turn around and not follow through with those promises? I remember sitting in Sunday School growing up thinking that they had to have been stupid or something. I mean, how can you be that stupid so many times? Do you not remember all of the previous exiles? Seriously, come on! Well, that's been me for a long time.

Okay, well, I'll admit, I've been that stupid so many times. I can't even begin to describe how awakening this weekend was. Seriously. In church the past few weeks, we've been talking about how to get more from your meditation on God's Word. It has been a great study, and my pastor has been really challenging us with looking into this for ourselves. Then, it hits me. I've been making so many promises to God about how I'm going to change this or I'm going to change that, and then I turn around and forget to change...or is it that I just don't want to?

That's something I've been pondering for a little while now. Am I refusing to change? Or am I just that forgetful? I've never been known to be forgetful - I didn't inherit that gene from my family tree (one of the few things I didn't inherit, by the way).

Also, as I've been thinking about this, I'm wondering if it is just me or if it is also others. Isn't consistency something that a lot of people struggle with? Why else would so many people talk about the importance of consistency?

I began this year with the goal of reading through the Bible by December 31st. That is still my goal, even though I'm currently not much farther than I was at the beginning of the summer. I will finish this. I will work hard these next couple months and catch up and finish strong, even though I wavered in the middle. I will make more of an effort next year to not resemble Israel as much as I have been. I will determine to resemble Christ more and more.

crazy

that's how this last month has been. sometimes i wonder if it has really been a month, but, yes, it has. jenn moved out here, and it has been great. i love having someone out here who i can really truly be myself with and relax with.

the past couple weeks, we have been without internet at home - it is one of those things that you don't realize how much you love it until you don't have it.

also, during this time, my sweet little Sami Lynn Civic died. she has lived a nice long life, and she is now off to another owner. i am waiting on a couple more things until i am able to bring my lovely Fiona home with me. i'm super excited to be driving her soon. :)

that's pretty much it for life right now! seems like more, but i guess not!

1 year...

As I sit here at my mom's house, I'm realizing the magnitude of a year.

**Just so you all know, I'm writing this about August 2nd, not the 3rd. I don't know if I will be able to write much about the 3rd...I think living it will be hard enough**

1 year ago today, I had my last conversation with my brother. The last words I said to him were, "Take it easy. I hope you feel better soon." I didn't tell him I loved him, and I think I will always regret that. I didn't tell him, but I know he knew. 1 year ago today, I was at the end of a chapter in my life, and I had no idea. For me, that was the first time I hadn't known that a life change was about to happen. For me, life changes were always things that I had thought long and hard about - things that I agonized and prayed over, not things that just happened to me. Looking back at a year ago today, if I had known what was about to happen, I would have gone for one last conversation with the most important man in my life. I would have hugged him one more time. I would have laughed with him one more time. I would have told him and made sure he knew just how much he meant to me. I probably would have stayed by his side until the end, not wanting to let go.

I sit here, in the attic, not sure if I'm ready for tomorrow. I don't know what to expect for the emotion of it all. I know that I will be with the 2 most important people in the world to me - my mom and Tim. I know that we are all going to be hurting, feeling, and remembering together. I thank God for the time I had with Jason, even though I wish there had been 1 more hug, 1 more smile, and 1 more I love you.

Even as I'm writing, I have tears streaming down my face. Sometimes I can't believe he's really gone, and then there are days like today where I fully comprehend the magnitude of a year.

Reflecting

You know those times that you didn't realize were big moments until months or years later? Yeah - me too. Sometimes I wish I had realized at the time that those small things were actually the big things because maybe I would have taken the time to really take in what was going on around me so that my memory of that moment would be more clear. And sometimes I wish I had known that what I thought were the big moments were actually the moments that didn't mean quite as much.

Perspective is something that I've been thinking about for a while. I remember as a kid being scared of anyone with a face (unless they were in my family), and I was ESPECIALLY SCARED if that person had a camera! Oh - you should see some ALL of the professional pictures my mom had done when I was a kid. I still hold to the fact that she shouldn't have paid for them because she KNEW I wouldn't smile for the photographer (usually I had a pretty good scowl going on). I used to hide under my mom's skirts at church because people gave me social anxiety. I preferred to have time alone in my room with my toys, and sometimes I still feel that way. There are days when I would prefer to be left alone in my room with a good book or my knitting. But, I've seen that my perspective has changed. Yes, I still have some social anxiety, but I'm working on that. I have a job where I sit behind a computer and communicate with people online. I have a job where I don't have to talk with anyone but my coworkers face-to-face, and yet, I find myself longing for that face-to-face connection. I find myself desiring to network with people in real life instead of just online. Online is great for when people live far away, but there are people here in my hometown that I've only ever communicated with online! That just seems wrong to me - I should be out and spreading God's love in person instead of just sitting behind my computer. Ironic how I'm saying this on my blog, right? :)

Now, you're probably wondering why I'm putting those 2 paragraphs in the same post, and I do have a point, I promise...it just might take me a little while to get there.

I was talking with family a couple weekends ago about all of the perspective stuff, and my mom started laughing and asked if anyone ever thought that the little girl who used to hide under her skirts to avoid people would have ever wanted to network face-to-face. But, the thing is, I remember what it was like to be that girl. I remember what it was like to want to hide from the world. I remember what it was like to be clinging to my mom's leg as I was hiding in her skirt afraid of people. And while that at the time was not a big thing, now it is. Now, I see people who need someone to reach out to them because they don't know how to reach out for help. I see people who have something to give, but don't know how to give it without some guidance. I see people who are afraid to get too close for fear of getting hurt, but that is the kind of pain that is worth it!

If I had stayed as afraid of people as I had been as a child, I never would have known my brother the way that I was able to. I never would have had the chance to go out for coffee with him and just talk because I would have been afraid of the other people in the coffee shop. I never would have known his hopes, dreams, and fears. I never would have known my great grandmother as an amazing, hard-working, generous, and kind woman. I never would have known the pain and heartache she went through when she lost her daughter or when she was left by her first husband. I never would have known her sense of humor or how much she loved the Lord.

Think of all the things that you miss out on when you are focused on the "big" - but is it really the big moment? Or just a small moment in disguise? I think about the evenings I used to go to my great grandmother's and help her take a shower - definitely not what I would choose to do with my free time, but something that needed to be done, so I did it. Think of those times when you say to a sibling, "Not today, maybe tomorrow." What if there is no tomorrow? What if today is all you have?

Perspective makes us think differently, and for that I'm grateful. I'm beginning to see so many things that I had missed out on because I was afraid, but so what if I don't know what to do in a particular situation? I know that God has it in control, so what am I going to be able to do about it? A whole big fat wad of nothing. Seriously.

This past year has been one of much change in my life - some of the change I like, and some of it I don't, but I know that there is One who can help me to change the things I don't like and make them valuable to Him for His purposes. Maybe there is a reason I'm here and going through this. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with someone else. Maybe there is someone else who needs to see what I've gone through and how I have come out on the other side of that particular trial. Life becomes so much better when you realize that it isn't all about you.

I know...

It's been a while. I'm still alive in case anyone was wondering. It has just been a long year. I'm ready for a break. Ready for things to go smoothly for a little while, but I realized something. At some point these last few months, I stopped looking to God again. I know that it is something that we all do from time to time, but I still feel like I should have done better, especially when I've seen what God can do through one life so well over this past year. I know that my strength to endure comes from Him, but sometimes I get so sidetracked by what is going on right around me.

On Sunday evening, I went to a different church than the one I am a member at (my church didn't have evening service, and I was going with a few friends), and wow. This was exactly the sermon I needed to hear right before beginning my week. Holy cow! This pastor is going through Psalm 23 and taking each verse and having that be the text for an entire sermon. Sunday, we were on verse 3, "He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake."

Such a simple verse, right? Wrong. You have to look at the whole context of this - I know that most know that already, but just a reminder. You can't forget that this whole chapter is talking of The Shepherd with His sheep, so you need to look into how a shepherd guides his sheep. Did you know that sheep do not have great vision? Did you know that they can only see a short distance? Isn't that so like us in the world? I can't see into eternity - let's be honest, I can't even see into tomorrow, but The Shepherd can. He can see that mountain ahead that I'm going to have to climb, and He can see where it is that I will struggle as I'm climbing. He can also see the other paths that are going to draw my attention away from Him, but He is going to lead me to that mountain anyways, because He knows that it is the best way for me to get to where He wants me to be. There is probably a different way, maybe going around the mountain, but He needs me to go over that mountain.

Now, I'm not claiming to know that there is a mountain ahead of me. I'm not really claiming to know anything about my future, but I know that if there is a mountain ahead of me, I need to be keeping my eyes fixed on God. I need to not allow my vision to stray from Him because I can easily get myself into a load of trouble with depression and anxiety.

So, going back to the verse, "He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." Did you see that middle part? "He leads me in the paths of righteousness" So, God is leading me as I go through life, but He is leading me in the paths of righteousness. If I am consumed with what is going on in the here and now instead of making sure to follow Him as He leads me, then I'm going to get VERY off-track, and when I look up to try and find Him, He may not be right in front of me, because He isn't going to lead me down a path that isn't righteousness. I might need to turn around and pick up a Bible to find out where it was that I left Him and go back to that place and begin following again.

There are so many times in the Bible when we are compared to sheep, and I find it so fitting because whenever I've looked up the metaphor to see its accuracy, it has been dead on. We, as humans, are so like sheep, it is kind of crazy. As much as I don't want to be compared to a barnyard animal, I am one. The things I do to try and cover that up don't work, and I am still a sheep. I need to embrace that and follow closely to my Lord.

I've recently been feeling like I'm not where God wants me anymore, and maybe that is why I've been looking away from Him. I want to stay here because it is comfortable. I want to stay here to remain close to my brother's memory. I want to stay in my job because I know I have security in this. I'm afraid to try something new and fail. But, what if God is leading me to a greater purpose? What if I'm supposed to go out on a limb and see what happens? What if I'm meant for more than this? I need to keep Him in my line of vision and stay close so that I see when it is that I am supposed to move forward. To see where it is that I am supposed to be.

Kind of amazing how changing just one little part of your routine puts you exactly where you need to be to hear exactly what you need to hear so that you kick yourself in the butt and go back to where you know you are supposed to be with God.

Turning a corner...

I believe that I am turning a corner. Don't get me wrong, I can still cry at the drop of a hat, but there is more of a lightness in my attitude each day. I find myself knitting less (I started knitting August 10th and haven't really stopped in more than 6 months) and enjoying doing other things. I'm enjoying time with my friends a little more. I'm enjoying exercising and meeting with my teen girl (she's not mine, but she's a girl I hang out with a lot). I finally made an appointment with my doctor to talk about anxiety and other things. It was amazing to be able to talk with her and get some answers about things that I didn't have answers for before. I'm going to her again in a month for a followup.

I find myself thinking that I should be knitting  because I haven't been doing as much of it, but then I look at my yarn and think, "I don't need you today." It has become a little harder to start projects because I don't feel the need to compulsively knit anymore. I'm a little more choosy about what I knit since I'm not knitting just to knit anymore. I want to begin selling things, so sometimes I can't be as choosy, but it does feel nice to be choosy. I like sifting through different projects and waiting until I find the perfect yarn to begin something. there is just something super peaceful about that - knitting because I enjoy it...not because I feel like I need to in order to keep my hands busy and not think about this past year.

I'm so thankful for the years I got with my brother. He was such an amazing older brother and friend. Someone I love and respected. Someone whom I will never forget and will always with I had more time with.