Exercise

Exercise is necessary for your body. If you want your body to be functioning at its best, you need to be working it. Exercise helps you in so many ways - it staves off depression and anxiety, it helps you sleep, it reduces stress, and SO many more things!

If physical exercise is SO important for your body, shouldn't we also focus on spiritual exercise? Shouldn't we allow our faith to be tested and questioned so that we have to dig for an answer in order to grow our faith? How many times do we wish that a trial or a temptation would go away faster instead of wanting to find the lesson from God through that trial? Doesn't He promise that He will always be with us - that He will always provide a way of escape? Why don't we trust Him in that? What is it about that that makes us question?

Does it work the same way as physical exercise? Do we think that we're doing okay where we are, so we don't need more? We don't need to learn through the trials because we grew up in church so we know everything there is to know.

Sometimes I feel that growing up in the church was a disadvantage for me. Sometimes I see others who got saved later in life and they are SO on fire and they work to learn through struggles and trials, and then I have a hard time. I wonder sometimes if it would have been different if I had become saved later on. Then I realize that is stupid. By growing up in the home environment I did, I was saved from SO MANY bad decisions that I could have made growing up. It is amazing to know this. God loved me enough to save me early on in life, and yet God loved others enough to allow them to struggle. We are all different in our lives - we all need certain circumstances to reach others for Christ.

God in all His infinite wisdom knew that and planned it that way, so I need to get out of my rut and allow Him to teach me through trials.

I am Israel.

You know how in church we read those stories about how Israel would make these promises to God only to turn around and not follow through with those promises? I remember sitting in Sunday School growing up thinking that they had to have been stupid or something. I mean, how can you be that stupid so many times? Do you not remember all of the previous exiles? Seriously, come on! Well, that's been me for a long time.

Okay, well, I'll admit, I've been that stupid so many times. I can't even begin to describe how awakening this weekend was. Seriously. In church the past few weeks, we've been talking about how to get more from your meditation on God's Word. It has been a great study, and my pastor has been really challenging us with looking into this for ourselves. Then, it hits me. I've been making so many promises to God about how I'm going to change this or I'm going to change that, and then I turn around and forget to change...or is it that I just don't want to?

That's something I've been pondering for a little while now. Am I refusing to change? Or am I just that forgetful? I've never been known to be forgetful - I didn't inherit that gene from my family tree (one of the few things I didn't inherit, by the way).

Also, as I've been thinking about this, I'm wondering if it is just me or if it is also others. Isn't consistency something that a lot of people struggle with? Why else would so many people talk about the importance of consistency?

I began this year with the goal of reading through the Bible by December 31st. That is still my goal, even though I'm currently not much farther than I was at the beginning of the summer. I will finish this. I will work hard these next couple months and catch up and finish strong, even though I wavered in the middle. I will make more of an effort next year to not resemble Israel as much as I have been. I will determine to resemble Christ more and more.

crazy

that's how this last month has been. sometimes i wonder if it has really been a month, but, yes, it has. jenn moved out here, and it has been great. i love having someone out here who i can really truly be myself with and relax with.

the past couple weeks, we have been without internet at home - it is one of those things that you don't realize how much you love it until you don't have it.

also, during this time, my sweet little Sami Lynn Civic died. she has lived a nice long life, and she is now off to another owner. i am waiting on a couple more things until i am able to bring my lovely Fiona home with me. i'm super excited to be driving her soon. :)

that's pretty much it for life right now! seems like more, but i guess not!

1 year...

As I sit here at my mom's house, I'm realizing the magnitude of a year.

**Just so you all know, I'm writing this about August 2nd, not the 3rd. I don't know if I will be able to write much about the 3rd...I think living it will be hard enough**

1 year ago today, I had my last conversation with my brother. The last words I said to him were, "Take it easy. I hope you feel better soon." I didn't tell him I loved him, and I think I will always regret that. I didn't tell him, but I know he knew. 1 year ago today, I was at the end of a chapter in my life, and I had no idea. For me, that was the first time I hadn't known that a life change was about to happen. For me, life changes were always things that I had thought long and hard about - things that I agonized and prayed over, not things that just happened to me. Looking back at a year ago today, if I had known what was about to happen, I would have gone for one last conversation with the most important man in my life. I would have hugged him one more time. I would have laughed with him one more time. I would have told him and made sure he knew just how much he meant to me. I probably would have stayed by his side until the end, not wanting to let go.

I sit here, in the attic, not sure if I'm ready for tomorrow. I don't know what to expect for the emotion of it all. I know that I will be with the 2 most important people in the world to me - my mom and Tim. I know that we are all going to be hurting, feeling, and remembering together. I thank God for the time I had with Jason, even though I wish there had been 1 more hug, 1 more smile, and 1 more I love you.

Even as I'm writing, I have tears streaming down my face. Sometimes I can't believe he's really gone, and then there are days like today where I fully comprehend the magnitude of a year.

Reflecting

You know those times that you didn't realize were big moments until months or years later? Yeah - me too. Sometimes I wish I had realized at the time that those small things were actually the big things because maybe I would have taken the time to really take in what was going on around me so that my memory of that moment would be more clear. And sometimes I wish I had known that what I thought were the big moments were actually the moments that didn't mean quite as much.

Perspective is something that I've been thinking about for a while. I remember as a kid being scared of anyone with a face (unless they were in my family), and I was ESPECIALLY SCARED if that person had a camera! Oh - you should see some ALL of the professional pictures my mom had done when I was a kid. I still hold to the fact that she shouldn't have paid for them because she KNEW I wouldn't smile for the photographer (usually I had a pretty good scowl going on). I used to hide under my mom's skirts at church because people gave me social anxiety. I preferred to have time alone in my room with my toys, and sometimes I still feel that way. There are days when I would prefer to be left alone in my room with a good book or my knitting. But, I've seen that my perspective has changed. Yes, I still have some social anxiety, but I'm working on that. I have a job where I sit behind a computer and communicate with people online. I have a job where I don't have to talk with anyone but my coworkers face-to-face, and yet, I find myself longing for that face-to-face connection. I find myself desiring to network with people in real life instead of just online. Online is great for when people live far away, but there are people here in my hometown that I've only ever communicated with online! That just seems wrong to me - I should be out and spreading God's love in person instead of just sitting behind my computer. Ironic how I'm saying this on my blog, right? :)

Now, you're probably wondering why I'm putting those 2 paragraphs in the same post, and I do have a point, I promise...it just might take me a little while to get there.

I was talking with family a couple weekends ago about all of the perspective stuff, and my mom started laughing and asked if anyone ever thought that the little girl who used to hide under her skirts to avoid people would have ever wanted to network face-to-face. But, the thing is, I remember what it was like to be that girl. I remember what it was like to want to hide from the world. I remember what it was like to be clinging to my mom's leg as I was hiding in her skirt afraid of people. And while that at the time was not a big thing, now it is. Now, I see people who need someone to reach out to them because they don't know how to reach out for help. I see people who have something to give, but don't know how to give it without some guidance. I see people who are afraid to get too close for fear of getting hurt, but that is the kind of pain that is worth it!

If I had stayed as afraid of people as I had been as a child, I never would have known my brother the way that I was able to. I never would have had the chance to go out for coffee with him and just talk because I would have been afraid of the other people in the coffee shop. I never would have known his hopes, dreams, and fears. I never would have known my great grandmother as an amazing, hard-working, generous, and kind woman. I never would have known the pain and heartache she went through when she lost her daughter or when she was left by her first husband. I never would have known her sense of humor or how much she loved the Lord.

Think of all the things that you miss out on when you are focused on the "big" - but is it really the big moment? Or just a small moment in disguise? I think about the evenings I used to go to my great grandmother's and help her take a shower - definitely not what I would choose to do with my free time, but something that needed to be done, so I did it. Think of those times when you say to a sibling, "Not today, maybe tomorrow." What if there is no tomorrow? What if today is all you have?

Perspective makes us think differently, and for that I'm grateful. I'm beginning to see so many things that I had missed out on because I was afraid, but so what if I don't know what to do in a particular situation? I know that God has it in control, so what am I going to be able to do about it? A whole big fat wad of nothing. Seriously.

This past year has been one of much change in my life - some of the change I like, and some of it I don't, but I know that there is One who can help me to change the things I don't like and make them valuable to Him for His purposes. Maybe there is a reason I'm here and going through this. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with someone else. Maybe there is someone else who needs to see what I've gone through and how I have come out on the other side of that particular trial. Life becomes so much better when you realize that it isn't all about you.

I know...

It's been a while. I'm still alive in case anyone was wondering. It has just been a long year. I'm ready for a break. Ready for things to go smoothly for a little while, but I realized something. At some point these last few months, I stopped looking to God again. I know that it is something that we all do from time to time, but I still feel like I should have done better, especially when I've seen what God can do through one life so well over this past year. I know that my strength to endure comes from Him, but sometimes I get so sidetracked by what is going on right around me.

On Sunday evening, I went to a different church than the one I am a member at (my church didn't have evening service, and I was going with a few friends), and wow. This was exactly the sermon I needed to hear right before beginning my week. Holy cow! This pastor is going through Psalm 23 and taking each verse and having that be the text for an entire sermon. Sunday, we were on verse 3, "He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake."

Such a simple verse, right? Wrong. You have to look at the whole context of this - I know that most know that already, but just a reminder. You can't forget that this whole chapter is talking of The Shepherd with His sheep, so you need to look into how a shepherd guides his sheep. Did you know that sheep do not have great vision? Did you know that they can only see a short distance? Isn't that so like us in the world? I can't see into eternity - let's be honest, I can't even see into tomorrow, but The Shepherd can. He can see that mountain ahead that I'm going to have to climb, and He can see where it is that I will struggle as I'm climbing. He can also see the other paths that are going to draw my attention away from Him, but He is going to lead me to that mountain anyways, because He knows that it is the best way for me to get to where He wants me to be. There is probably a different way, maybe going around the mountain, but He needs me to go over that mountain.

Now, I'm not claiming to know that there is a mountain ahead of me. I'm not really claiming to know anything about my future, but I know that if there is a mountain ahead of me, I need to be keeping my eyes fixed on God. I need to not allow my vision to stray from Him because I can easily get myself into a load of trouble with depression and anxiety.

So, going back to the verse, "He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." Did you see that middle part? "He leads me in the paths of righteousness" So, God is leading me as I go through life, but He is leading me in the paths of righteousness. If I am consumed with what is going on in the here and now instead of making sure to follow Him as He leads me, then I'm going to get VERY off-track, and when I look up to try and find Him, He may not be right in front of me, because He isn't going to lead me down a path that isn't righteousness. I might need to turn around and pick up a Bible to find out where it was that I left Him and go back to that place and begin following again.

There are so many times in the Bible when we are compared to sheep, and I find it so fitting because whenever I've looked up the metaphor to see its accuracy, it has been dead on. We, as humans, are so like sheep, it is kind of crazy. As much as I don't want to be compared to a barnyard animal, I am one. The things I do to try and cover that up don't work, and I am still a sheep. I need to embrace that and follow closely to my Lord.

I've recently been feeling like I'm not where God wants me anymore, and maybe that is why I've been looking away from Him. I want to stay here because it is comfortable. I want to stay here to remain close to my brother's memory. I want to stay in my job because I know I have security in this. I'm afraid to try something new and fail. But, what if God is leading me to a greater purpose? What if I'm supposed to go out on a limb and see what happens? What if I'm meant for more than this? I need to keep Him in my line of vision and stay close so that I see when it is that I am supposed to move forward. To see where it is that I am supposed to be.

Kind of amazing how changing just one little part of your routine puts you exactly where you need to be to hear exactly what you need to hear so that you kick yourself in the butt and go back to where you know you are supposed to be with God.

Turning a corner...

I believe that I am turning a corner. Don't get me wrong, I can still cry at the drop of a hat, but there is more of a lightness in my attitude each day. I find myself knitting less (I started knitting August 10th and haven't really stopped in more than 6 months) and enjoying doing other things. I'm enjoying time with my friends a little more. I'm enjoying exercising and meeting with my teen girl (she's not mine, but she's a girl I hang out with a lot). I finally made an appointment with my doctor to talk about anxiety and other things. It was amazing to be able to talk with her and get some answers about things that I didn't have answers for before. I'm going to her again in a month for a followup.

I find myself thinking that I should be knitting  because I haven't been doing as much of it, but then I look at my yarn and think, "I don't need you today." It has become a little harder to start projects because I don't feel the need to compulsively knit anymore. I'm a little more choosy about what I knit since I'm not knitting just to knit anymore. I want to begin selling things, so sometimes I can't be as choosy, but it does feel nice to be choosy. I like sifting through different projects and waiting until I find the perfect yarn to begin something. there is just something super peaceful about that - knitting because I enjoy it...not because I feel like I need to in order to keep my hands busy and not think about this past year.

I'm so thankful for the years I got with my brother. He was such an amazing older brother and friend. Someone I love and respected. Someone whom I will never forget and will always with I had more time with.

6 months

6 months ago today Jason went Home. I can't believe it has been this long. It is amazing to me how time just arbitrarily moves on without our permission.

Today, I am remembering my brother with joy, but am also sad that he isn't here to celebrate with me the purchase of a new phone. I will be spending time with friends later. I love and miss my brother more than I can say, but I know that he is in a much better place. As much as I would love to be meeting up with him at Gov Cup in an hour or two, I wouldn't wish him back from where he is.

Wow

Okay, so I know that God has a plan. I know that He is in control. I know.

But, sometimes I wonder what He is doing.

5 months and 3 days ago, my brother went home. To his heavenly home. I'm still sad most of the time. Sometimes I can't believe that he is actually gone.

3 months and 3 days ago, my great grandmother went home. Also to her heavenly home. She was ready, we were ready for her, but it is still so fresh.

Last night, my dear friend Katie went home. To her heavenly home. Katie and I knew each other because we worked together at summer camp. We spent 2 amazing summers together serving God and being crazy around kids. It was fantastic. We had drifted apart in the last few years due to different life circumstances, but we still talked on occasion. In fact, when Jason died, she drove 6 hours to come to the funeral because she knew I would need a friend. She and I had been talking about me going up to WA to visit her there sometime soon. It is hard to believe that another good friend has left this life.

Yet another reminder to tell the people you love that you love them. You don't know how long they will be here.

New Year - New Beginnings

2011 was probably the worst year of my life so far. I lost my brother - one of my best friends. Sometimes I still can't believe that I will never speak to him again. Some days it is so much that I can hardly breathe. This beginning of a year is bittersweet - I'm ready for 2011 to be behind me...I'm ready for a new year, but, I'm not ready to live a year without him. I know I have to, but I'm not ready to be in this position.

2012 has hopes to be a better year - I'm hoping for no hospitals, no funerals. I know only God is in control, but it does look more promising.

Here's to beginning a new year, whether I'm ready for it or not.