breaking my heart

so, for those who don't know, i work in the pro-life world. i spend my days educating people about the harsh realities of abortion. i know that it is not glamorous work and sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach, but i also know that it is what i am supposed to be doing for now.

if you aren't in tune with the pro-life world, let me just educate you a little bit on what is going on. a while ago an abortion doctor was arrested in a drug raid on his clinic. what those who went in found was appalling. it has since become known as a house of horrors. there was blood on the floor and on the furniture. there were cats roaming around and using the entire building as their litter box. surgical instruments were dirty. and many other things that i will not name because they will definitely make you sick. it was found out that he had been delivering babies alive and snipping their spinal cords to kill them. this is no longer abortion. this is now murder.

well, this week, the jury handed down their verdict. he was found guilty of many, many things, but also found not guilty of several things.

now to my point of this post... a lady called in the day after the jury handed down their verdict and she was upset about the fact that there was one infant that they couldn't prove he had killed after it was born so he was found not guilty. her statement to me before she got off the phone was, "well then maybe there isn't a God if this can happen." wow... i had no response for her that would allow me time in the day to finish my work. it breaks my heart that the actions of a man so far away from us here have caused this woman to question the existence of God.

i don't have to look very far to see His existence. i live in a beautiful area of the country where God's handiwork is so easily seen just looking out your window...even today when i can't see the mountains.

God is good all the time. i know this to be true in my life. i know this to be true in the lives of many of my friends. even if you don't want to admit it during a trial, God is still good. you know who isn't good? humans. we aren't good. we can never be good. God gave us free will because He wanted us to choose to love Him. what fun is being loved if the person HAS to love you? none. well, that free will that He gave us ended up costing us everything. we were thrown out of the garden of eden - the most beautiful and perfect place - and we now have a struggle with sin. something that our free will gives in to often.

while i'm saddened and sickened by the things that took place in that abortion clinic, one thing i know is that the God i serve is a redeeming God. He loves all humankind and He sent His Son to pay the penalty of our sins...even the sins of that abortion doctor who probably killed hundreds of babies through this brutal method.

that's what i love about God - no one is too far gone to be reached by His redeeming love. all are welcomed in with open arms. we just have to receive His gift to us.

i feel sad for this woman who is questioning the existence of God because of this. i know that throughout history there had to be many who questioned God during various wars...even those who were in concentration camps. but the thing is, God is never going to treat people like puppets. we are living breathing human beings with a free will to choose to follow Him or to choose another way. i feel sad for this woman because another person's actions should not make you question God. we live in an imperfect world with an imperfect justice system. if this man does not repent of his sins, he will have to face them on judgement day. if he does, he will be given the same welcome into heaven that we all deserve. just because his sins are out in the open for the world to see doesn't mean that he is any worse than i am. i know how much of a sinner i am, and i would hate to have my sins put on display for everyone to see.

so now, i pray for this man. he will be spending the rest of his life in prison, and i hope that during that time he finds the love of God to redeem him.

1 year 9 months and 9 days.

that's how long it has been since jason left this earth.

today, i miss my brother.

today, i want another hug.

today, i am just a lost little sister.



on this day where we honor our mothers, my mind can't comprehend how to truly honor this woman who has given so much of her life to me. this woman who is the strongest woman i've ever had the privilege of knowing.

how do you honor your mother enough when there should be 2 of you to complete this task? how do you honor your mother when all you can think is 'what would he have done for her today'?

that's where i am today.

desiring to honor my mother enough for both of us. i don't know how that will be accomplished, but that is where i am today.