so,

i think i'm going to have to go to bed soon. i've been trying to ignore a headache all day, and it doesn't seem to be going away at all. i've tried taking stuff, i've tried eating, all to no avail. i'm even wearing my glasses. stupid head. i'm off to watch some friends and maybe sleep away the ache.

faith

Tonight, I was writing a paper for my class on the book of Romans, and while writing the paper, I came across this verse that I have read so many times, and never really thought about, but tonight, in the middle of writing my paper, it made me think a lot. I love when you're reading a passage that you've read so many times before, and God all of a sudden opens your eyes and you see the passage in a new light. It is amazing how God does that. Anyways, here are my thoughts:

Hebrews 11:13-16, "These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

Just a little preface, these verses come in the middle of the chapter of faith, and more specifically, these are in the middle of the verses about Abraham and Sarah.

Abraham was asked by God to leave his home and go to a country that he had never seen. God called him and asked him to go, and because Abraham believed that God had something better for him, Abraham went. He left everything that he had ever known, and went walking toward a promise of God that he had yet to see. The crazy thing is, Abraham was never fully a resident in the land that God had promised to him. He was always a foreigner, but he still believed God. He still believed that God had a plan in all of this.

As Abraham and Sarah left their home, they went forward. Not looking behind. That was the part that stuck out to me the most. Here's that verse again, "If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return." That is verse 15. This really made me think a lot about my life. There are so many things that I struggle with, but God has asked me to walk forward, looking only to Him. Sometimes I don't think that my faith is enough, because I still look back on plans I made for my own life and desire to go back to them. God has put a calling on my life, and while I know that it is the best thing, I think about how I love so much other stuff and would love to have the opportunity to see how that would play out in my life. There are so many times that I find myself staring longingly back, into my past, and for what? To return to a place that God has called me out of? To walk away from His perfect calling on my life?

If Abraham and Sarah had been looking behind them at the land and life that they had left behind, they would have found a reason to return. The NIV says, "they would have had opportunity to return."

"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." They desired something better. They desired the life that God had called them to. The life of foreigners in the land. Think of how perfectly that resembles our lives on the earth - we are foreigners because our permanent dwelling is in heaven - we are only on this earth for a short time, and we need to be looking toward the heavenly country. We need to take our eyes off of the past and direct them towards the heavenly country because otherwise we will find the opportunity to return to something that God has called us out of.

Proverbs 16:9, "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

18...that's right...18

days away from going HOME! and, i just talked with my brother tonight, and he said that he was going to be coming up to the airport with my mom to pick me up! i'm pretty excited about that.

the end of the semester is upon me, and i couldn't be more excited. i'm so close to being DONE with school! i have 3 classes left that are required for my major, but i am taking 4 so that i can stay at full-time status. 1 of my classes is an independent study class, and 1 of them is going to be a DLP class...so i'll only have 2 classes that i have to go to! i'm pretty excited about that!

anyways, i should probably get going...i need to go to bed soon because i have to finish a paper tomorrow - and then i'll only have 2 presentations, 1 paper, and a commentary away from finals - and then it will be the end of the semester and i will be getting on a plane to go home. it will be glorious.

i.can't.wait.

not that far

underneath the stars
just a simple man and wife
somewhere in the dark
his words cut the silent night
"take my hand, for the child
that you carry is God's own
and though it seems the road is long

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for in our arms we'll cherish him
we're not that far from bethlehem

let us celebrate
as the Christmases go by
learn to live our days
with our hearts near to the Child
ever drawn, ever close
to the only love that lasts
and though 2000 years have passed

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far
we're not that far
from bethlehem

~not that far from bethlehem: point of grace



so, in my Bible study this morning, we were talking about ways to keep Christ the focus during this holiday season, and it really struck me. how many times do we say that we're focusing on Christ and living our lives to please Him and then in reality, we're being selfish humans who don't know what it means to truly love and serve God. this is something that i want to make sure i'm focused on this Christmas. instead of focusing on what to get for people, why not completely focus on the Lord and what this day actually signifies? this season is supposed to mark when our Lord put on human skin and come down to earth in order to give His life as the perfect sacrifice for our sins. when thinking about things in this way, things seem to have a better perspective.

well

life as of late has been interesting. things have been pretty busy, and i'm so close to being done with this semester. i'm so ready to go home and spend time with family. i think it is finally setting in that there is a possibility that i won't be going home for an extended period of time after this, and i want to spend time with my family. i love my family and i am really going to miss going home for summers and holidays once i am in my future career.

i have contacted monica about an internship after graduation in may, and i'm pretty excited about that...i should know by february! i'm really excited about this opportunity that she is putting together for those of us graduating from here. it's pretty amazing.

other than that, i have 25 days until i go home for Christmas!!! and only 175 days until i graduate!!! i can't wait to be done. it is going to be an amazing ride for the rest of the semester...and the rest of the year. i can't wait to see what God has planned for me.

now i'm going to go back to listening in my class.

allure

Hosea 2:14 - Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her."

this semester

has been...weird. i guess that would be the correct term for it. i should start at the beginning...

this semester began weird with a friend. she seemed different than she had before, and i couldn't put my finger on it, until something was said - not on purpose, but the statement made me start thinking. i then, with the help of a friend, figured out what it was that had happened with the first friend, and we figured out that she had been lying to us.

this lying has continued all semester, and it has now come to the point where i am seriously concerned for this friend of mine. she is one who used to openly admit and be proud of the fact that she couldn't lie, and now she tries to get us to believe that she can lie and hide things from us.

she told me that if i was getting married, she would weigh her options as to whether or not she would want to come. then, the next day, she told me that she almost ditched me to hang out with a boy. then, a couple days later, she actually said out loud that she always likes someone else more than she likes me, and then when i confronted her about this, she tried to deny that she had said it, except that i heard her say it. she then sent me a text message saying that she was sorry, and she was going to tell me that when we were alone, but if she can say in front of other people that she doesn't like me then she can tell me that she's sorry in front of other people. that's my thinking, so when i got the text from her, i decided to send her a message and tell her how i felt. i didn't bring up anything past because i didn't think that it was necessary to do so.

honestly, i'm tired of this. this friend seems to be frustrated every time she is around me. she doesn't like talking with me, and she doesn't like hanging out with me and every time we do hang out, she has a super short fuse and gets angry at me for nothing.

i'm not okay with friends up and deciding that they don't want to be friends with me anymore. i'm not okay with investing this much time and effort in a friendship and having the other person bail out. i lost my best friend in the last year, and it isn't okay with me. there's no way to know the pain that caused me unless you've experienced that pain yourself, and i don't make friends that easily, and i have really invested too much in this friendship to have it go to crap.

if you happen to read this, you know who you are. and, i'm ready and willing to talk to you, but you have to be the one who brings it up, and you have to be the one to tell me what you have been hiding from me, even though i know. you are in trouble, and i care about you and i want to help you with your problem, but you have to come out and tell me what it is.

32

days from being back in Oregon! i'll be there for just under a month, and i just talked with my boss, and she's got a job for me when i get back! it probably won't be that exciting, but it's an office job, which is better than most people would be getting for the short period of time that they will be home then. and, i love that office. it's pretty amazing. anyways, i'm going to a hockey game tonight with some of the best girls EVER, and then it's back home (to my apartment) where i'll crash into my bed - or maybe the chair in the living room - and watch a Christmas movie because i'm in that kind of mood...eventually i need to steal Christmas music from my roommate because i left all of mine at home.

leaving you with this:

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave


pretty much one of my favorite songs right now.

research

okay, so i'm doing some research for a paper right now, and in my reading, i came across something that i thought i needed to share. the paper i'm researching for is about girls dealing with abandonment trauma because of their fathers being absent in their lives, and the portion of the book i'm reading is the portion about coming to grips with these feelings and allowing God to heal you. here's what it said:

Because God loves me, He is slow to lose patience with me.
Because God loves me, He takes the circumstances of my life and uses them in a constructive way
for my growth.
Because God loves me, He does not treat me as an object to be possessed and manipulated.
Because God loves me, He has no need to impress me with how great and powerful He is because He is
God. Nor does He belittle me as His child in order to show me how important He is.
Because God loves me, He is for me. He wants to see me mature and develop in His love.
Because God loves me, He does not send down His wrath on every little mistake I make of which
there are many.
Because God loves me, He does not keep score of all my sins and then beat me over the head with
them whenever He gets a chance.
Because God loves me, He is deeply grieved when I do not walk in the ways that please Him
because He sees this as evidence that I don't trust Him and love Him as I should.
Because God loves me, He rejoices when I experience His power and strength and stand up under
the pressure of life for His name's sake.
Because God loves me, He keeps working patiently with me even when I feel like giving up and
can't see why He doesn't give up with me, too.
Because God loves me, He keeps on trusting me when at times I don't even trust myself.
Because God loves me, He never says there is no hope for me, rather, He patiently works with
me, loves me, and disciplines me in such a way that it is hard for me to understand the
depth of His concern for me.
Because God loves me, He never forsakes me even though many of my friends might.




if you want the title of the book, leave a comment and i'll do my best to get it to you.

break my heart

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

i see the King of Glory
coming on the clouds with fire
the whole earth shakes
the whole earth shakes

i see His love and mercy
washing over all our sin
the people sing
the people sing

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

i see a generation
rising up to take their place
with selfless faith
with selfless faith

i see a near revival
stirring as we pray and seek
we're on our knees
we're on our knees

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks Yours
everything i am for Your Kingdom's cause
as i go from earth in to eternity

hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest
hosanna, hosanna
hosanna in the highest

the more i seek You
the more i find You

the more i find You
the more i love You

i wanna sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lay back against You and breathe
feel Your heart beat

this love is so deep
it's more than i can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming

my heart cannot see
when i only look at me
my soul cannot hear
when i only think of my own fears
they are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
why did i run away from You
why can't i speak Your name



i feel like i've been wandering lately. i feel like i've been looking at me. why do i continue to do this? why do i continue to focus on me instead of God? why? especially when i'm taking so many Bible and ministry classes...when i know that i am called by God to serve Him?

i'm finding myself at a loss for words...

and the funny thing is, it's okay.

God has been showing me a lot about dependence upon Him right now. i can't believe how much He is continuing to teach me on a daily basis. right now, i'm studying about His love, and it never ceases to amaze me that He would love me the way that He does.

i'm studying this for an assignment for a class, and through this assignment i'm learning so much about myself. it's pretty crazy. sometimes i feel like i'm reading books that were written especially for me, but i know that they aren't.

anyways, life overall is good. i'm keeping really busy with my classes, but i like them all. i love a couple of them, but a couple of them are ones that i'm just trying to get through. anyways, i should probably go and do some homework...or go to bed early and get a lot of sleep...

i never knew death could be so sweet
i never knew surrender could feel so free
i've never seen such meekness and majesty
that the blood of Jesus was bled for me

and now i'll sing freedom for all of my days
it's only by the power of the cross i'm raised
the King of Glory rescued me

how beautiful the blood flow
how merciful the love shown
the King of Glory poured out
victorious are we now

i never knew these nails would love unfold
i never knew these wounds would heal my soul
i've never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
the blood of Jesus was bled for me

and now i'll sing freedom for all of my days
it's only by the power of the cross i'm raised
the King of Glory rescued me

how beautiful the blood flow
how merciful the love shown
the King of Glory poured out
victorious are we now









everyone needs compassion
a love that's never failing
let mercy fall on me

everyone needs forgiveness
the kindness of a Savior
the Hope of nations

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

so take me as you find me
all my fears and failures
and fill my life again

i give my life to follow
everything i believe in
now i surrender (i surrender)

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

so, shine your light and let the whole world see
we're singing for the glory of the Risen King, Jesus
shine your light and let the whole world see
we're singing for the glory of the Risen King

Savior, He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

this week is pretty crazy. seriously. today, i spent 4.5 hours working at trbc for hours for my 403 class, and then i went to the w. min. lounge, and read until BIBL 350 where Dr. Fink called me a sinner because i didn't bring my concordance to class with me today. then, i got an email from amber asking if i would be able to help with the event thursday night at trbc, and i worked it out so i can, and on top of all of that, i was out of town this past weekend and the weekend before, and i need to make up homework, but i know that all of that will get done - it is just a matter of buckling down and doing the work. so, i'm going to get off of here and try and finish some of the work.

i'm not going back, i'm moving ahead. i'm here to declare to You, "my past is over". in You, old things are made new. surrendered my life to Christ, i'm moving...moving forward.

distant and broken
words left unspoken
divided yet we're the same

bitter and lonely
words that are spoken
divide us all in Your Name

together we can sing this song to You
in harmony united by the truth

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

You are the Father
Son and the Spirit
yet You are only one

together we can sing this song anew
united by Your Spirit in Your Truth

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

~written by lauren boyd



seriously, i LOVE this song - it speaks true of what is completely necessary in the church today - getting rid of the things that separate us from each other - we need to be giving ourselves away to help the people around us - we need to allow God to heal us so that we don't cause strife in the midst of the Body of Christ - we need to do everything we can to heal the broken Body of Christ - we need to help heal the hurting people around us.

so, as i sit on a friend's bed and do my homework for BIBL 425, this song pops into my head, and i can't seem to get it out. so, i end up getting distracted by this song, and then realize that it must be the Lord interrupting my thoughts. this song is one that i love, but don't listen to often because of how it can convict. it kind of goes along with the homework that i've been doing about salvation and justification, and it's just a couple lines running through my head. sometimes i love the way that God speaks to me.



i sit here and question why my God loves me
though i have never done a good thing
or a righteous deed
and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor
crying over earthly things i know i can't afford
but He who died is greater than these
i should be thankful
praying on my knees, crying
Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace
o, my King of kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me



okay, so that's more of the lyrics than were going through my head, but it seemed so weird to not have the whole first portion of the song on here.

so, i'm going to attempt to make sense of something that i've had rolling around in my mind for a few weeks now. i realize now that i should have written it down somewhere sooner, but things got so hectic and busy, and it got pushed to the back burner. (when i'm done with this, i might give an update on my life, but i'm thinking that this might be it for tonight.)

okay, so my pastor at home has been talking about peter and how Jesus was preparing him to be the rock of the church. it's pretty amazing how things in peter's life pan out and everything. i sometimes wonder at how Jesus was so patient with peter through all of his mistakes and everything. seriously amazing. okay, to what i'm going to try and focus on - give me a second...i have to go find the notes really quick.

okay, i'm back. i found the notes which is a good thing because my mind is seriously going in about a hundred different directions right now, and the baby in the apartment above me is crying again.

okay, enough with distractions, on to what i came here to write about today.

Looking at John 21:1-23. This is the passage in which Jesus asks peter multiple times "do you love Me?" now, i haven't always understood the implications of these verses, but when my pastor was speaking about this a couple weeks ago, it all started to make sense. looking at this passage in context, peter had already denied Jesus 3 times, and then Jesus was dead. or so peter thought. this was something that Peter hadn't been anticipating. he had thought Jesus had come to bring in His Kingdom. He was supposed to win and become king, He wasn't supposed to die. so, looking at it this way, peter had to have been discouraged. he had to have just wanted to give up. i know that every person thinks that way sometimes. i get that way sometimes. thinking that it would be so much easier to give up than to keep going. peter started this passage with the statement to a few of the other disciples, "i am going fishing." and the others said that they would go with him. when day was breaking, they had caught nothing. this had happened before, and Jesus had performed a miracle and they had believed in Him. the disciples in the boat this time had to have remembered that time when Jesus had given them an amazing catch of fish, but they were discouraged. Jesus was gone, and He hadn't brought in His Kingdom, and they thought that maybe they could just go back to fishing, because they were good at that. then, there was a man on the shore who called out to them - "children, do you have any fish?" and they said no. the man on the shore then told them to cast the net on the other side of the boat. now, as fishermen, they would have known that it didn't matter which side of the boat the net was on in order to catch fish, but they did it anyways. they ended up catching so many fish that they couldn't bring the net into the boat. it was then that john said to peter "it is the Lord!" peter was so excited that he put on his outer garment and jumped into the sea and swam to shore. he was so excited to be with the Lord. this was what he wanted - to be with the Lord. he didn't want to be a fisherman, but he had been at the point of giving up. he had been told previously of his betrayal and of his forgiveness and of how he would need to take his experience and strengthen the bretheren, but he had been ready to give it all up and go back to fishing. after the others got to shore, they had breakfast with Jesus. it was then that Jesus and peter took a little walk. Jesus started asking peter questions. when Jesus asks peter "do you love me more than these?" he was talking about the fish. asking peter if he loved the Lord more than fish, but the form of love Jesus was using was agape love. in peter's response, he used phileo love (brotherly love), pretty much telling Jesus that he had warm affection for him. then Jesus asks him again using the word for agape love again, and again, peter uses phileo love. then, when Jesus asks the third time "do you love me?", He used phileo love. peter was grieved because he had failed before. he had gotten confident and was grieving because he knew that he could never love his Lord the way that he was loved. peter was broken, honest, and genuine - afraid to ever boast again - he had failed miserably the last time he boasted and now didn't want to boast. he stood before the Lord a broken man, but he kept going after he had been challenged by Jesus. Jesus then proceeded to tell peter that even though he had failed, he would bring glory to God through his life if he followed Jesus and didn't worry about anyone else.


okay, so i know that that last paragraph is a lot of information, and kind of word vomit, but let me just put it into my own thoughts (that was all pretty much from my notes). peter failed. Jesus forgave. peter gave up. Jesus challenged. peter rose again and glorified God.

even when we fail, we can return and glorify God in our lives. isn't that amazing?

apparently

i haven't written in here in a while. i've been busy. life gets busy when you're living in the real world - not like it's not busy when you're going to school full time. i'm leaving soon to go back to school, and i'm pretty excited about that. i think that this year is going to be a good year - scary, but good. i'm done with school in may, and i have absolutely no idea as to what i am going to do when i graduate, but i'm excited about being done, and i know that God will show me what He wants me to do when i finish.

i'll try to write something more later - i'm super tired, and i have to get up and make coffee for other people in the morning. hopefully i can get a nap in sometime in the afternoon!

okay, so i've been studying the book of hosea recently, and i am constantly in awe of how God worked in that book. it amazes me that He would ask someone to marry a prostitute and then continually have to buy her back from other lovers. it paints an amazing picture, but at the same time, you wonder how we can keep doing this to God.

i'm gonna write a study on this eventually - when i start getting things written, i'll probably post some of it on here.

so, tonight while i was sitting in church, i thought of a new Bible study series that i would love to write, and i think i'm going to start on it this summer. i want to write on hosea - about the ways that God loves us, even though we stray from Him - even though sometimes we willingly walk away. He knew all of this ahead of time, and yet, He still chooses to love us. it still amazes me.

tonight

okay, so i just saw that i haven't written in here in forever, but things got busy. all of that seems so trivial right now. i'm sitting in the hospital right now - surrounded by my family. my grandpa got an inoperable brain aneurism at three in the morning, and is now in a coma. the doctors don't think that he's going to make it through the night. i have to admit, i wasn't ready to let him go. i wanted one more conversation with him. i wanted to hug him one more time. the last time i saw him was back in january. i didn't think it was the last time. i know he's ready to go. he'll be so much more comfortable there than he is here. i just wish it wasn't this soon.

pretty much how i feel sometimes...

i was so unique, now i feel skin deep
count on the makeup to cover it all
crying myself to sleep 'cause i cannot keep their attention
thought i could be strong but it's killing me
does someone hear my cry? i'm dying for new life

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside my heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love and beautiful

sometimes i wish i was someone other than me
fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing
won't You help me back to glory?

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside me heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love

You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe
You look inside my heart and i am amazed
i love to hear You say who i am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

so, i think i'm going to be making another change in my life. i'm not completely positive yet, but i think i'll know for sure when i talk to one of my teachers tomorrow. i'm pretty excited about the possibility of this. i think that's it for now.

every morning i have a chance to rise and give my all
but every afternoon i find i have only wasted time
in light of Your awe.

thinking...

i sit here and question why my God loves me. though i have never done a good thing, or a righteous deed. and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor, crying over earthly things i know i can't afford but He who died is greater than these i should be thankful, praying on my knees crying Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me.

now i never claimed to be any more than i am, any more than i seem. in fact, i bill myself so much less than i am, so much less than He sees, so may i hold out with an open hand this frail life of mine and pray that You make it stand, most Holy God, it's all i need to say that i'm thankful, i can believe in the Alpha and omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me. All Consuming Fire burn in me.





pretty much, the first phrase of the first verse of this song is how i feel at the moment. jennifer knapp never ceases to make me think about the things in my life that need changing.

maybe repetitive, but maybe not...we shall see...

okay, so i just read the last thing i posted on here and realized that it had something to do with breathing, and that is definitely what i was going to post about now. i think i'm going to anyways. as you read below, breathing is very important to me, not that it isn't important to everyone, but for me, not a day goes by when i don't think about breathing at least twice a day when i'm taking my meds.

i'm getting a cold, and since i was diagnosed with asthma, my colds always settle in my chest. it's just a way of life that i am still trying to get used to. because the cold is settling in my chest, it impairs my breathing. i guess i didn't really notice it until i tried to walk up a ton of stairs really fast. now, anyone with asthma will tell you that doing that is a bad idea even if you don't have a chest cold, but i was running late, so i tried to hurry. i'm pretty sure i ended up being later to my class than i would have if i had just slowed down a little bit. when i got to the top of the stairs, i seriously almost fainted. (this isn't something i want a few of my friends to know for a few days). i had to sit down right away and start drinking some of the ginger ale that i happened to have, and then i got extremely hot. a few minutes later, i got extremely cold, and hardcore wanted to be in a dry sauna or something just so that i would be warm.

i don't know how this all relates together, and i don't think i'm going to try and make it relate together, but that episode started making me think about the things in life that are so taken for granted. sometimes, i take for granted the fact that i am going to have another day to complete the tasks that God has given me, sometimes i take for granted that i am going to be safe, sometimes i take my friends for granted. the last one is something that i think about more often now that i am 3000 miles away from childhood friends, and back in the presence of friends i was away from for 7 months, but it is that first one that scares me. i should not think that just because i've been given a large task by God that i am going to have all the time in the world to complete it. i should try and accomplish the things that He gives me faster than i complete things for myself. now, i know that everything in my life has been given to me from God, but i am talking about more specific things - things i like to call God moments. moments where you know that the King of kings is speaking into your heart and asking you to do something for Him that shows Him how much you love Him, or shows Him that you will be obedient to Him whenever He asks.

there is something in my life that i know needs to be cut out, but for some reason, i can't seem to do it. when i was thinking about that today, i realized that i can't do it because i think that i can cut it out when i get older. who knows if i am actually going to wake up in the morning? who knows if tomorrow is a day in which i can get something accomplished or if it is a day when my life will be threatened and i will be so seriously injured that i cannot then accomplish the tasks that i have been given by the Lord.

backwards...

today, i've felt the amazingness of conviction.

to begin, i have asthma. now, you might think, "how does that convict you?" somehow, i hope to show you my connecting thoughts in the next couple paragraphs.

the air all over the world is in a constant state of change, but i don't seem to notice it as much when i'm in oregon. here, in virginia, i notice it quite a bit. most people notice when their skin feels sticky or dry, but i notice when my lungs hurt or something along those lines. today, i haven't been breathing well. i can usually tell by the way that i am sitting if i am getting enough oxygen or not, and i definitely haven't been getting enough oxygen today. when i tried to breathe better, it made me cough and have to use my inhaler. i realized how dependent i am upon my inhaler. i couldn't find it right at first and i thought i was going to have to come home and get a different one. there was a little panic in me when i couldn't find it right away which made my breathing even worse.

later this evening, a song got stuck in my head. the first couple lines say, "this is the air i breathe, this is the air i breathe, Your Holy presence living in me", and i started to think about how important breathing became in my life almost 2 years ago. now, breathing is always important, but to me, it's not something i take for granted because there are so many days when it does not come easily for me. then i started thinking about how a lot of the time, God can get pushed to the back of my mind during the day because i think i am too busy for Him. i think that i have too much to do, so i don't have the time to pray. isn't God supposed to be the most important thing in my life? and yet, when i have to search for Him in the depths of my heart, there is no panic, and yet, when i couldn't find my inhaler, there was serious panic. something seems a little bit backwards there.

i've been so convicted today that i need to be making God the top priority in my life and not allowing myself to take His presence in my life for granted.








okay, so i'm sorry if the above makes no sense to you...i've got a migraine and i should be sleeping, but i needed to get this out. i'm going to close my computer now and try and sleep off the migraine. i hope it's gone tomorrow.

i sit here today convicted. convicted of who i have become, and yet the fact of what i have a passion for in my life. convicted that i want others to be so much better than i am. convicted that i expect so much more from other people that i expect from myself. this semester is going to be interesting as i take this journey into myself as well as work on writing studies that will impact the lives of others. i know that it is a good thing, but at the same time, it's not a comforting feeling. sometimes it feels better to not completely understand the things in life, but i know that it will all be so much better when i am walking where i should be. when i am allowing God to be in the place He should be in my life. when i am in a state of total surrender to the Lord.

broken is where i need to be.

oh, life...

okay, so i kinda forgot about this thing. school is going well. i'm taking a lot of classes, and at times it's a little overwhelming, but life does go on. i'm working at subway still, but i'm looking for another job because i really hate it there. it's not fun anymore. i want to work somewhere with kids because i love kids.

i was realizing that i really need to start thinking about what i want to do after i graduate. i know of an opportunity to work for my favorite teacher and go to seminary for free, but i don't know if i want to do seminary, but at the same time i think it could be really cool. or maybe i should try to get a full-time job on campus and go for my master's degree, or maybe i should go and find a real job and start my life in the real world. i'm seriously at a loss for what to do right now.

anyways, kim is on her way to come and pick me up. i should probably get going and pack up my stuff before she gets here.

i hope life for you is going well! mine is pretty good right now, minus the stress of not knowing what to do after graduation...

back in the saddle again...

so, i'm back in l-burg, getting ready to start my 2nd to last semester of college. i'm pretty excited to see what this new semester has in store for me. i have 1 class tomorrow, and then i've got 4 on tuesday and those same 4 on thursday, and nothing on wednesday and friday. it's gonna be a good week. my birthday is on thursday, and we're gonna have a sleepover from friday to saturday which i'm pretty stinkin excited about. we're gonna play games and stay up late and have chili cheese dip.

i'm continuing to learn things about who i am and where God wants me to be. i really want to start looking at larger churches to see if there's one that has a paid women's ministries position and then do something with my actual degree on the side. that's really what i'm leaning towards right now. i just need to figure out how to start looking into finding this job that i want.

other than that, i'm looking for a new job, and i'm gonna start working at subway in a week or so if i don't get a job. when i start working kind of depends on my refund status stuff. i've still got a couple things to work out.

anyways, i'm watching friends right now with emily. i should probably get going. i'm gonna try to keep this updated a lot more this year. i haven't been so great at updating this, but then again, i'm not exactly sure who reads this, so i guess it isn't a huge deal. and, to you, my blog reader, if you are there, i hope you have a wonderful week this week.