when you're so sure

so, i have to say that i've been guilty of assuming i know what God's plan for me is...even getting mad when i found out that He had something different planned. this has happened so many times that recently, i decided that from the beginning i was going to pray that if it wasn't His plan, i would be okay with it.

then His plan was revealed in this situation, and you know what? i'm okay. i'm not going to die because MY plan wasn't  GOD'S plan. i'm actually really okay with whatever His plan turns out to be. i just know that right now, His plan is not for me to move to mississippi...even when i was fairly sure that i would be moving.

isn't it amazing? you can be SO sure of something and then God. He comes along and says, "no, child. that's not what i want for you right now." and it is just amazing how it can all work out when you aren't so focused on your own plan.

let's be honest

it has been a long time. i've sat down many times to write a post, and i have several unfinished ones, but that is where they will remain - unfinished.

i've reached a point recently that i can't ignore in my life. i've reached a point of not being able to run anymore. i don't know if i've mentioned it here or not, but when i left new york, i was running away from ministry. i was running away from what God had called me to do with my life. i was broken, empty, and running, so i ran home - into the loving and ever comforting arms of my family. these past three-and-a-half years have been amazing. i've grown so much...and my heart has healed. my heart took some time to be filled with God, but it has healed. i'll be honest, my heart had healed from the brokenness of new york a little over 2 years ago. i remember talking with jason about wanting to either go back to school or get back into full-time ministry. i wasn't sure which one God was leading me towards, and he was mentioning the same thing. we were excited for each other as we pursued new avenues of life. then, a couple short weeks later, jason got sick, and everything else didn't seem nearly as important as that. when he left this earth, my heart wasn't just broken, it was shattered. i didn't know how to breathe anymore, and i seriously questioned God during that time.

it took some time...many, many months...for my heart to not be questioning anymore, and it took even longer for my heart to feel whole again.

so i sit here now ready for what God has next. i sit here now ready to dive into full-time ministry again. i know that it is going to be draining, but it will be a good kind of draining.

i'm waiting to hear about a job at a church. this job would be my dream job. i would be working with junior high and high school girls. training leaders and helping them reach others. just thinking about that environment makes my heart excited. i know that God could definitely take me in another direction, but right now, i have faith that this could be the job that i didn't know i was waiting for. the job that i didn't know He was preparing me for. the job where i lean on Him as He leads me to lead others.

let's be adventurous.

breaking my heart

so, for those who don't know, i work in the pro-life world. i spend my days educating people about the harsh realities of abortion. i know that it is not glamorous work and sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach, but i also know that it is what i am supposed to be doing for now.

if you aren't in tune with the pro-life world, let me just educate you a little bit on what is going on. a while ago an abortion doctor was arrested in a drug raid on his clinic. what those who went in found was appalling. it has since become known as a house of horrors. there was blood on the floor and on the furniture. there were cats roaming around and using the entire building as their litter box. surgical instruments were dirty. and many other things that i will not name because they will definitely make you sick. it was found out that he had been delivering babies alive and snipping their spinal cords to kill them. this is no longer abortion. this is now murder.

well, this week, the jury handed down their verdict. he was found guilty of many, many things, but also found not guilty of several things.

now to my point of this post... a lady called in the day after the jury handed down their verdict and she was upset about the fact that there was one infant that they couldn't prove he had killed after it was born so he was found not guilty. her statement to me before she got off the phone was, "well then maybe there isn't a God if this can happen." wow... i had no response for her that would allow me time in the day to finish my work. it breaks my heart that the actions of a man so far away from us here have caused this woman to question the existence of God.

i don't have to look very far to see His existence. i live in a beautiful area of the country where God's handiwork is so easily seen just looking out your window...even today when i can't see the mountains.

God is good all the time. i know this to be true in my life. i know this to be true in the lives of many of my friends. even if you don't want to admit it during a trial, God is still good. you know who isn't good? humans. we aren't good. we can never be good. God gave us free will because He wanted us to choose to love Him. what fun is being loved if the person HAS to love you? none. well, that free will that He gave us ended up costing us everything. we were thrown out of the garden of eden - the most beautiful and perfect place - and we now have a struggle with sin. something that our free will gives in to often.

while i'm saddened and sickened by the things that took place in that abortion clinic, one thing i know is that the God i serve is a redeeming God. He loves all humankind and He sent His Son to pay the penalty of our sins...even the sins of that abortion doctor who probably killed hundreds of babies through this brutal method.

that's what i love about God - no one is too far gone to be reached by His redeeming love. all are welcomed in with open arms. we just have to receive His gift to us.

i feel sad for this woman who is questioning the existence of God because of this. i know that throughout history there had to be many who questioned God during various wars...even those who were in concentration camps. but the thing is, God is never going to treat people like puppets. we are living breathing human beings with a free will to choose to follow Him or to choose another way. i feel sad for this woman because another person's actions should not make you question God. we live in an imperfect world with an imperfect justice system. if this man does not repent of his sins, he will have to face them on judgement day. if he does, he will be given the same welcome into heaven that we all deserve. just because his sins are out in the open for the world to see doesn't mean that he is any worse than i am. i know how much of a sinner i am, and i would hate to have my sins put on display for everyone to see.

so now, i pray for this man. he will be spending the rest of his life in prison, and i hope that during that time he finds the love of God to redeem him.

1 year 9 months and 9 days.

that's how long it has been since jason left this earth.

today, i miss my brother.

today, i want another hug.

today, i am just a lost little sister.



on this day where we honor our mothers, my mind can't comprehend how to truly honor this woman who has given so much of her life to me. this woman who is the strongest woman i've ever had the privilege of knowing.

how do you honor your mother enough when there should be 2 of you to complete this task? how do you honor your mother when all you can think is 'what would he have done for her today'?

that's where i am today.

desiring to honor my mother enough for both of us. i don't know how that will be accomplished, but that is where i am today.

dear 16-year-old me...

i've seen this done several times around the internet, and thought i would join in, so here goes...

dear 16-year-old me,

i know life is hard. believe me. i was there. in fact, i'm there with you. i want to give you some advice that a few more years will give you - maybe you'll use this for the better.

first, spend all the time you can with your family. some of them are going to be in brasil before you know it and you will miss out on so much. make time for them.

second, don't freak out about college. you're going to graduate. i promise. take your first 2 years at community college. you don't need to go to a private school right away. you're going to end up going to liberty university in virginia. don't fight it - it is the best decision of your life. make sure that you live in dorm 30 on the 3rd floor. quickly find emily, emily, kim, and jenn and hang on to them. they will get you through your 4 years at liberty. yes, you will be there for 4 years. believe me, it is worth it. make sure to take advantage of your friendship with monica - it will be one of the best decisions of your life.

third, it isn't about you. it is about someone else. always. look for the person it is about, because it isn't about you. reach out to that person and tell them that it will be okay - you've been there - you will walk through this with them.

fourth, spend time with jason. a lot of time. read his books (they're cooler than you think they are, i promise). watch his tv shows. maybe not his movies (a lot of those are fairly awful :). he isn't going to be around forever. i'm not going to tell you too much about that stuff because there needs to be some stuff left for you to experience, but remember that he isn't going to be here forever. you will regret every time you told him you didn't have time.

fifth, mom is WAY cooler than you think she is, and i know exactly how cool you think she is, but i promise, she is cooler. make sure to talk to her at least once a week while you're away at school.

lastly, don't argue with God. He's got a better plan. i know that His plan derails yours, but it is better. look for the better when you think everything is falling apart - you learn a lot through that crash, so i'm not going to spoil it for you, but look for the better instead of trying to argue and hold on to what is falling apart.

safe

have you ever thought that maybe you were safe and let your guard down? ever thought that you didn't need to be worried about something up ahead because you and your family had been through so much recently that surely it was time for a break? i've been there. in fact, i was shocked out of that place early this morning with questions to God about why. why us? hadn't we been through enough? haven't we proven our love to Him these last few years? why is it our turn again? what is it that we aren't learning? or is it like with job where God points out His faithful servants to satan and that's why? (not that i'm claiming that my family is so great, by the way. i know that we have our problems and personal struggles.) is it because we don't have enough faith? is it because somewhere we are not doing God's will?

these questions filled my mind this morning as i cried out to God. i don't know where these issues surfaced from, but i know the God of the universe is there for those who are hurting. i don't know the plan behind this, but i know the God of the universe cares for His children. there are many other things that i don't know, but the one thing i do know is that the God of the universe is in control and i trust Him with that.

my heart is heavy. emotions are running wild today. i can cry at the drop of a hat (and have). so badly i want to scream that it isn't fair, but then i remember that life isn't fair and that we need to be trusting God through everything.


a few days ago, i kept wanting to write something here, but i didn't know what to write. i knew that there was something dying to come out, but i didn't know what it was. i knew something was going on, but i wasn't sure what. now that i'm writing, it seems like some of the thoughts i had a few days ago are pertinent to this situation, but they are thoughts that i'm going to keep to myself because this struggle in my family is so personal to us and not meant for the internet.

something that keeps crossing my mind is that we aren't ready for this. we've barely begun to recover from the past couple years, and now this. we aren't ready...God, help us be ready. help us fight the evil tearing at the seams of our family. help us understand what is going on and what we can do to guard ourselves against this kind of attack in the future. help, please.

waves

that's how it comes. in waves. everything will be fine for a while, and then out of nowhere, this wave sneaks up and completely engulfs you and you feel like you can hardly breathe. it can be something small that you see or smell that brings the wave, or it can just be a sneaky wave.

a year and a half ago, i never knew this kind of grief. i had lost people in the past, but it was when i was younger, and as a child, i didn't fully understand grief, and i really think that having the innocence of a child spares you from this kind of grief. for that, i am grateful. no child should have to experience this.

it has taken me a while to write about this - i've gotten my head above this wave enough to breathe and know once again that i am going to be okay. the experience of the wave leaves me feeling like i'm tumbling around but no one can see. it is a very odd feeling.

i started reading some of his books recently. they make me feel more connected to him. make it seem like he is waiting for me to finish reading the book so we can discuss what i thought of it. i found a new series that i hope to make it all the way through some day, but it probably won't be for a while. i found another series that i want to introduce him to because i think that he would love these books, but he isn't here to read them. i found a book that he checked out from the library 6 years ago and never returned. and in case you were wondering, i have no plans on returning the book. i plan on keeping it because it so reminds me of how forgetful he was. at this point, i'm guessing that the library doesn't miss it anymore.

sometimes all i want to do is call him and talk with him about what is going on - he always knew how to make me calm down and stop panicking about things that were going on (i have a hard time not panicking now...)

i feel God possibly calling me somewhere else, but i want to stay here because he was here and all of my memories of him are here.

i'm only me

there are times that i forget that. there are times when i think that there is so much more that i should be doing. there are times when i try to be someone else for fear that people won't like me. but the fact remains, i am only me. i cannot be someone else - at least not for very long. i cannot pretend that i have it all together when my world has slowly been falling apart.

that's kind of the way life feels recently - like it is falling apart. i feel like just the smallest thing could end up destroying everything, and then sometimes i wonder if that would be a bad thing. would it be a bad thing if God allowed everything i've tried to build for myself fall apart? what would happen then? would i begin living in the life that He wants me to be living in? or would i go and start relying on myself again to build another life that could come crashing down at any moment?

these are things that seem to plague me sometimes. i have a hard time letting go and giving God the control of everything. sometimes i have the nerve to blame another person (some people will know who i'm talking about, but not all will, and i'm not willing to put that online), but in reality, while that person is to blame for causing some of the damage in my life, they are not to blame for the fact that i haven't allowed God to heal me from that damage. i have been fully aware of this for years now, and am sometimes still seething and oozing from those wounds. wounds that i do not wish on anyone. and, in the mean time, life has happened and there are new wounds on my heart. ones that are a lot more fresh - ones that to truly think about bring me to tears. ones i know i can't heal on my own.

i think about the fact that i have left these wounds open - ready to devour anyone who tries to touch on those issues. i know that there is a reason i've gone through those things, isn't it about time for me to heal and figure out that reason? this year. this year is going to be one devoted to healing. one devoted to allowing God to bring the healing only He can bring into my life.

this year will be my year. this year will be amazing.