Confessions

This is hard to write. Hard to admit, but I have to start somewhere, so here goes:

#1 - I stopped reading my Bible.
              I was feeling distant from God, so for some reason, not reading made sense to me. Instead, I read Harry Potter and other books. The verses I wrote about in the previous post were ones I heard in a sermon and had thought about for a while - that was a post that I had actually written out a long time ago in a journal, I just put it online for the first time last week.

#2 - I stopped praying.
              Well, I had already felt distant and stopped reading my Bible, so why not stop praying as well? At least, that's the logic that seemed so fine with me.

#3 - I've been feeling depressed.
              Shocker, right? Feeling distant from God followed by no communication with Him and I begin feeling depressed. Good job, Chels.

#4 - I tried to eat myself out of feeling depressed.
              You wanna know what doesn't work to get you out of depression? Having to wear your fat jeans on a daily basis because you can't fit into your regular jeans. Yes, that is where I am right now. Too bad my fat jeans have holes in the knees - that means I can't wear them to work, meaning I have to squeeze into my not-so-fat pants and be ridiculously uncomfortable all day at work. Enter more depression here.

#5 - I've had no accountability.
              My roommate has been house-sitting and out of town for a month and a half, so there was no one here to be accountable to - no one to watch my actions and question them. No one to ask me if I really wanted to eat that fifth brownie (no, I did not have brownies, but they sound good today so that was the example I used).

#6 - I used a lame excuse to not hang out with someone.
              I'm not usually one to pass up a hanging out opportunity, but I've used several stupid excuses recently to not see people, and when I couldn't get out of seeing people, I stayed very quiet and kind of on my own in the background.

#7 - I know better than this.
              I know better than to do any of these things. I have no excuses.




I know that I'm still grieving over the loss of my brother. Some days I miss him so much it hurts - like, literally, it hurts - there is real physical pain. But, does this grief give me the right to do these things? I don't think so. I know that I need to heal in my own way and in my own time, but I can't allow myself to fall into this pit of depression as I try to move through because then I will get stuck.

So, here I am, saying to all of you, I'm going to get out of the house (err...apartment...). I'm going to join the gym tomorrow (I know that sounds like procrastination, but it is almost 11pm and the gym isn't open right now.) I'm going to begin reading my Bible again, even though I don't feel like it. I'm going to start praying again, even though I don't feel like it. And, I'm going to make the effort to do things with my friends. I will not forget my brother. I will not forget the amazing person he was. I will allow myself to feel the pain of my loss, but I will not allow that pain to consume me. I know that it isn't going to be an easy journey, but I need to make the effort. I need to do the things that God has commanded His children to do. Commands aren't things that we get to decide if we will or won't do. These things were not suggestions. God is in control and I need to submit to His authority.

Thank you all for bearing with me through these confessions. I need to begin saying them out loud, and I thought a good starting point for telling people would be here.

Hebrews 11

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

These verses have been running through my mind a lot recently. As I read them, I get stuck on the sentence, "If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return." Wow - can you imagine? I mean, I look back at my past all the time - in fact, when I lived in New York, all I could think about was moving home. Now, I don't regret that at all - especially given recent events in my life, but think of how much more I could have done if I had not been thinking of the land from which I had come.

Look at so many things in life - are you looking back at where you have come from? Do you desire to return to that land? God has a plan for each and every one of us - He has numbered our days. We need to be passionate about where God has placed us in life right now. While I can't claim to have mastered this (because there are days when I wish I was married with a family...or I wish I was back in college without the due dates and assignments), there is a part of me that is really trying to be content with where God has me right now.

Right now, I'm working in a job that has nothing to do with my major, but it pays the bills. I'm living in a small apartment with a friend, but we have a great time living together. I drive a 20-year-old car, but it gets me where I need to go. I have no prospects of getting married, but I trust that God has a plan in all of this. My best friends live thousands of miles away from me, but I'm thankful for the internet - it makes Kansas, Virginia, and Texas seem a lot closer to Oregon than they really are.

If I kept looking back, I would miss the wonder of what lies ahead of me. I would miss the fact that my mom and I are pretty much best friends and I'm eternally grateful for her friendship. I would miss the opportunities that I have with young girls at my church - mentoring and doing Bible studies. I would have missed getting to know my cousins as older children over this past year.

"If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return." Don't you think that there were times when Abraham and Sarah thought that life would have been much easier if they had returned to the land they had come from? I know that there are times I've thought that - "It would be so much easier if ________." "Oi! I miss college! I wish I could go back!" When I lived in New York, I often thought about missing Oregon - I kept thinking about how great it would be to be back in the Pacific Northwest - to the point where I even bought folksy Christmas music. Thinking back on that, I did find opportunity to return - I found a way to come back. If I hadn't been looking to return, where would God have taken me? Would He have brought me back here? Would He have planted me somewhere else? I don't know. I do know that I would not have traded this past year and a half for anything. I was given time with Jason that I would not have had if I had gone elsewhere - God has all of our days numbered, and while I didn't know it, I spent Jason's last days with him, getting to know him, treasuring our friendship. Now, I keep thinking about those days and wondering if he knew how much I loved meeting him for dinner or coffee - even if I only had a few minutes - it was one of my favorite things to push around my schedule to spend time with him. Now, my evenings are empty and I keep thinking that I want to hang out with him, but he is not here. Not that I can return to those days, but I could sit and wish them here more than I should. I could allow myself to wallow in missing my brother, but then I would begin missing all of the things that God has for me now. There are still things that He has brought into my life - people that He has given me as friends - a mother who needs me. 

I need to be looking toward the heavenly country - I need to be looking toward all the things that God has planned for me in my future. Let's all remember the examples of Abraham and Sarah - look toward the heavenly country - when we are looking there, all of the other things will fade away and all we will be able to think about was striving to reach that country - striving to please God and bring glory to Him.

Beauty

Alright, so I've decided that I want to begin some more natural things for a beauty routine. I've come across a few recipes for different things: shampoo/conditioner substitutes, face wash, masks, etc. Well, tonight I tried my first few - a honey facial mask and an olive oil deep conditioning treatment. And, my face feels amazing! My skin is so soft and moisturized. My hair is still wet, so I'm not sure about the hair, but I think I'm going to keep trying this stuff regularly and see what happens! When I run out of facewash I'm looking forward to trying an oil wash treatment and I'm looking forward to trying the other things as well.

As I write this, I realize that it makes me seem as though I'm some hippie Northwesterner - haha - I promise...I'm not wearing tie-dye shirts or hemp skirts. I'm still me, just thinking that this is the only body I have and that I don't need chemicals getting absorbed into my body through my skin. I'm already careful about what I eat, so why not be careful about what I put on my skin?

Prayer, Going Home

This week has been a stressful one, but one that has been bathed in prayer. As I move forward in the week, I know that there is no way I'd move through this week without that prayer.

Over the weekend, I went to a church service where they challenged us to work on the characteristics of a disciple, and one of those was prayer. My friends and I were talking afterwards, and we made a commitment with each other to daily be in prayer for our church and our pastor. Our church is going through some struggles right now, and we have been having to make hard decisions about the church finances and other things. So, we began on Monday. We ask our pastor daily for specific prayer requests of the day, and we all have a time of day that we set aside to pray for him and his requests. It has been fantastic to have that time set aside all week when things have been so crazy. It has been a very growing week for me through everything.

Also on Monday, my Great Grandmother died. That was 2 months to the day after Jason died. It was hard that morning, but we are so happy for her. We are relieved for her. She has been ready to go for years. I can't imagine how fantastic her welcome into heaven was - her 2 daughters, her son-in-law, numerous friends, her sister, and her oldest great-grandson. She is free of pain and can freely walk. I can just picture her dancing in front of her Savior.

Life is funny sometimes.

Looking forward to seeing Emily on Friday. Then beginning my week-long trek around the state with my boss. It is going to be a long week.