dear 16-year-old me...

i've seen this done several times around the internet, and thought i would join in, so here goes...

dear 16-year-old me,

i know life is hard. believe me. i was there. in fact, i'm there with you. i want to give you some advice that a few more years will give you - maybe you'll use this for the better.

first, spend all the time you can with your family. some of them are going to be in brasil before you know it and you will miss out on so much. make time for them.

second, don't freak out about college. you're going to graduate. i promise. take your first 2 years at community college. you don't need to go to a private school right away. you're going to end up going to liberty university in virginia. don't fight it - it is the best decision of your life. make sure that you live in dorm 30 on the 3rd floor. quickly find emily, emily, kim, and jenn and hang on to them. they will get you through your 4 years at liberty. yes, you will be there for 4 years. believe me, it is worth it. make sure to take advantage of your friendship with monica - it will be one of the best decisions of your life.

third, it isn't about you. it is about someone else. always. look for the person it is about, because it isn't about you. reach out to that person and tell them that it will be okay - you've been there - you will walk through this with them.

fourth, spend time with jason. a lot of time. read his books (they're cooler than you think they are, i promise). watch his tv shows. maybe not his movies (a lot of those are fairly awful :). he isn't going to be around forever. i'm not going to tell you too much about that stuff because there needs to be some stuff left for you to experience, but remember that he isn't going to be here forever. you will regret every time you told him you didn't have time.

fifth, mom is WAY cooler than you think she is, and i know exactly how cool you think she is, but i promise, she is cooler. make sure to talk to her at least once a week while you're away at school.

lastly, don't argue with God. He's got a better plan. i know that His plan derails yours, but it is better. look for the better when you think everything is falling apart - you learn a lot through that crash, so i'm not going to spoil it for you, but look for the better instead of trying to argue and hold on to what is falling apart.

safe

have you ever thought that maybe you were safe and let your guard down? ever thought that you didn't need to be worried about something up ahead because you and your family had been through so much recently that surely it was time for a break? i've been there. in fact, i was shocked out of that place early this morning with questions to God about why. why us? hadn't we been through enough? haven't we proven our love to Him these last few years? why is it our turn again? what is it that we aren't learning? or is it like with job where God points out His faithful servants to satan and that's why? (not that i'm claiming that my family is so great, by the way. i know that we have our problems and personal struggles.) is it because we don't have enough faith? is it because somewhere we are not doing God's will?

these questions filled my mind this morning as i cried out to God. i don't know where these issues surfaced from, but i know the God of the universe is there for those who are hurting. i don't know the plan behind this, but i know the God of the universe cares for His children. there are many other things that i don't know, but the one thing i do know is that the God of the universe is in control and i trust Him with that.

my heart is heavy. emotions are running wild today. i can cry at the drop of a hat (and have). so badly i want to scream that it isn't fair, but then i remember that life isn't fair and that we need to be trusting God through everything.


a few days ago, i kept wanting to write something here, but i didn't know what to write. i knew that there was something dying to come out, but i didn't know what it was. i knew something was going on, but i wasn't sure what. now that i'm writing, it seems like some of the thoughts i had a few days ago are pertinent to this situation, but they are thoughts that i'm going to keep to myself because this struggle in my family is so personal to us and not meant for the internet.

something that keeps crossing my mind is that we aren't ready for this. we've barely begun to recover from the past couple years, and now this. we aren't ready...God, help us be ready. help us fight the evil tearing at the seams of our family. help us understand what is going on and what we can do to guard ourselves against this kind of attack in the future. help, please.

waves

that's how it comes. in waves. everything will be fine for a while, and then out of nowhere, this wave sneaks up and completely engulfs you and you feel like you can hardly breathe. it can be something small that you see or smell that brings the wave, or it can just be a sneaky wave.

a year and a half ago, i never knew this kind of grief. i had lost people in the past, but it was when i was younger, and as a child, i didn't fully understand grief, and i really think that having the innocence of a child spares you from this kind of grief. for that, i am grateful. no child should have to experience this.

it has taken me a while to write about this - i've gotten my head above this wave enough to breathe and know once again that i am going to be okay. the experience of the wave leaves me feeling like i'm tumbling around but no one can see. it is a very odd feeling.

i started reading some of his books recently. they make me feel more connected to him. make it seem like he is waiting for me to finish reading the book so we can discuss what i thought of it. i found a new series that i hope to make it all the way through some day, but it probably won't be for a while. i found another series that i want to introduce him to because i think that he would love these books, but he isn't here to read them. i found a book that he checked out from the library 6 years ago and never returned. and in case you were wondering, i have no plans on returning the book. i plan on keeping it because it so reminds me of how forgetful he was. at this point, i'm guessing that the library doesn't miss it anymore.

sometimes all i want to do is call him and talk with him about what is going on - he always knew how to make me calm down and stop panicking about things that were going on (i have a hard time not panicking now...)

i feel God possibly calling me somewhere else, but i want to stay here because he was here and all of my memories of him are here.