Simple Things

The past couple mornings, I have begun by getting coffee at my favorite little coffee shop. I'm convinced that it is a great way to begin my days. If only I had enough money to do this every morning...maybe someday, but definitely not right now. Yesterday's coffee adventure was with a good friend who lives several hours south of here now, and it was great to talk with him about what is going on in his life and how he is doing after the loss of Jason (also a good friend of his). Today's coffee adventure includes me, a cup of amazing coffee, my Kindle, and my computer - all getting ready for a shift working at the State Fair and then finishing out my work day at the office followed by running home and making myself look wedding presentable because one of my childhood friends is getting married today! (And, I have to say it's about time...they have been dating for at least 7 years.)

Looking forward to tomorrow - spending all day with my mom! I haven't seen her in a couple weeks, but tomorrow, her husband is going to Seattle with one of his kids, so she and I are spending the day together! It is going to be a good time - even though part of it is supposed to be us going through some of my boxes to see what to get rid of and what to keep.

I'm thinking that I'm going to begin saving to start Seminary...or a graduate program of some sort. I think that is my next step. I don't know where I will attend (online...I'm not going to quit my job for this), but I know that I have been talking about Seminary since before graduation, and I'm thinking it is time to begin making moves in that direction.

Okay

Most days recently, I've been doing okay. Most days, life feels like it is getting into the rhythm of my new normal. Most days. Today, I am just a little sister longing for a great big bear hug from her older brother, and I don't know how to handle that. I've heard it gets easier with time, but it is so hard to believe while I sit here longing to feel those arms wrap around me one more time.

Today, I'm just a little sister who longs for her older brother.

And life rolls on...

It is amazing how something can completely change your life, and yet life just doesn't know that it is changed. Life just keeps moving along, and the way that you have to learn how to complete the tasks you have always completed in your new way of life can just be complicated.

It has been a little over 2 weeks since my brother was called home to heaven. He had completed his work here, and God was ready for him there. My mom and I are both trying to figure out what this new "normal" looks like. I will say, we are talking more than we used to (which says a lot because my mom and I talk a lot!). But there is just something different about it all.

I hope to get back into regular blogging - posting about things that God is teaching me, along with just life in general. Maybe this weekend while at the lake I'll be able to write something to share here. I just thought I'd give you all an update on how things are going here. There are some days that are harder than others, but God is still good.

And, one week later...

Just over a week ago (I meant to write this post yesterday) I was making plans with my brother. We were hanging out and had made a trip to IKEA looking for a dresser for his room. We were going to begin going through his many boxes of things in his garage to see what he could get rid of.

Now, I will be going through his things to see what we can get rid of, but not because Jason is trying to scale back his things...because we cannot hold onto everything that he owned. And, all at the same time, I don't want to get rid of anything because these things are the last things we have of Jason's.

I find solace in the fact that he is in a better place, but that does not take away the pain and sadness that I feel while I'm still here.

Just over a week ago, I had no idea how much my life was about to change, and while I wouldn't wish Jason back from where he is, I was not ready for him to go. I wanted him around as we got older. We were friends now - not just siblings. I wanted my friend around in my life for much longer, but God called him home, and I am so glad that He is in control of everything.



And, on another note, my good friend had a baby on Sunday. He's a complete cutie-pie. And, another friend had me go to the store with her today and I held her little girl the whole time we were there, and even though she spit up in my lap, it was completely worth it hanging out with her and playing with the baby.

The eulogy I never wanted to write...

Jason Taylor was an amazing young man, and I had the privilege of being his younger sister. When we were younger, I was fairly sneaky and would do things to get him in trouble. I remember as a young child getting frustrated with him and pinching myself hard enough to leave a mark and telling mom that Jason did it. Sorry about that, Jason. I remember vividly the time that we broke my bedroom door and made mom so mad that she didn't yell - we were terrified (and still are). But what I remember the most is how our relationship changed that year that you went away to college. You were still my older brother, but something about that distance made you my friend, and I count myself lucky to have been your friend.

Where we used to fight over small things, we were finding common ground. I loved making time in my crazy busy schedule to have coffee with you and just talk. When I went away to school, our relationship changed again, and the brother/sister relationship was less visible. I remember being so happy about moving home because I would get to see you, my friend, more often. This past year of me being back on this side of the country changed our relationship again. We went through some ups and downs in life, and our friendship began to greatly outweigh the brother/sister relationship. We would talk about everything and you would tell me when I was being ridiculous...FYI - I was a little ridiculous this week, but you already knew that I'm sure. Sorry if you were trying to yell at me for that...

I will miss you. Your smile, your hugs, your laughter. I will miss you coming into my office to help us out with different projects. I will miss being able to call you up when I've had a bad day. I know that you are better off where you are and I wouldn't wish you back from there, but I miss you here.

Love you much and always will, Chelsey

The chapter I never wanted to live.

I sit here, on my bed, at 2am, and I know I should be asleep, but I feel like I need to write something. At the same time, I don't know what to write. I don't know what to say to people anymore. I don't know how to be around people anymore. My life has been forever changed, and while in one sense it is good, it hurts so much to know that those big arms will never envelope me in a hug again; to know that I will never hear that laugh or see that smile. To know these things is to know that he has moved on to a better place. He fulfilled God's plan for him on the earth and it was time for him to go home. It was time for him to see our grandparents again. Time for him to meet his Savior. I miss him so much already that it hurts. I want one more hug - one more laugh. Just one more day, but that won't happen.

I've decided over the past 2 days that I probably have the best friends in the world who know what I need before I need it. I don't think I would be able to do this if it wasn't for them, and I don't know how I can ever thank them for what they have done for me through this time. They have known when to hug and when to joke...and when to bring on the escape. I can't imagine life without these people, but I also couldn't imagine life without my brother.

This brings in a new chapter - a new journey. I don't know what life looks like without Jason, but I am going to have to find out. This is a chapter in life that I never wanted to live. When we were kids, we were so opposite. I was shy and didn't like people. Jason was outgoing and loved talking to anyone and everyone. As we grew older, things began to change. It took the space of 3,000 miles for us to become friends, and slowly, I became the social butterfly while Jason retreated into only having a few close friends. We had more in common since we had both played the part of social butterfly and also the part of the wallflower. We could relate to each other more. When Jason was taken to the hospital a month ago, I never dreamed that this would be the outcome. I truly believed that God would heal him because I wasn't done getting to know my older brother. God did heal him completely, just not in the way that we had hoped. Jason is now living a life free of pain and free of sodium restrictions. For that, I am glad. For the rest of us, I am sad. Jason had such a light to him that he could brighten anyone's day. He took pleasure in making people laugh. He was an amazing man of God and while I can't imagine life without him, here I am at the beginning of this chapter that I never wanted to live - the chapter of life without him. I'm not sure how I am going to do it, but I know that God never gives us more than we can bear.

God is good all the time.

This Week...

...has been a weird one.

On Friday, my brother was released from the hospital and got to go HOME!!! Not to a rehab center, but to his house! We had been told that he would be released to a rehab place for his lungs to heal more, but they didn't end up doing that. Simply amazing.

Then, I've been the BEST little sister on the face of the planet, and I cleaned his room and his kitchen, did his laundry and am planning on helping him clean out his car sometime this week.

Then, yesterday when I left for work, I walked out of my apartment building to see this:

In case you are wondering, yes, that is my car, and yes, there used to be something covering my engine. In fact, that something that was covering my engine matched the color of my car, and was there when I went to bed the night before. And, in case you were also wondering, no, the police have never heard of someone stealing just the hood of a car, and no, the mechanic has also never heard of someone just stealing the hood of a car. In fact, every person I've told has thought I was joking until I showed them the picture.

A couple people have asked me if a friend would have pulled a prank and taken the hood, but I have assured them that my friends would have left a note, and that they wouldn't have done it this close to Jason being home. Oy vey.

I'm currently working on finding my voice for my blog. Deciding what it is that I am going to write about. I believe I'm leaning more towards faith and life. My faith is super important to me right now, and then, you know, daily life. I'm also thinking about posting natural recipes sometimes - I have found recently that I cannot have processed sugar. It does not like me at all, so I have been looking for alternatives to that and trying to modify recipes so as to be able to eat things that others can eat and not be absolutely sick from that. There are some things that I have figured out in my mind, but am not sure if they will work or not yet. I'll let you know on here whether they were successes or failures...I think...

Signing off for now. Hoping to begin really using this soon - I really want to begin writing again - I did so much while I lived in New York because it was the only outlet I had while working a really draining job. It was so therapeutic, and I would love to begin doing that again.