The chapter I never wanted to live.

I sit here, on my bed, at 2am, and I know I should be asleep, but I feel like I need to write something. At the same time, I don't know what to write. I don't know what to say to people anymore. I don't know how to be around people anymore. My life has been forever changed, and while in one sense it is good, it hurts so much to know that those big arms will never envelope me in a hug again; to know that I will never hear that laugh or see that smile. To know these things is to know that he has moved on to a better place. He fulfilled God's plan for him on the earth and it was time for him to go home. It was time for him to see our grandparents again. Time for him to meet his Savior. I miss him so much already that it hurts. I want one more hug - one more laugh. Just one more day, but that won't happen.

I've decided over the past 2 days that I probably have the best friends in the world who know what I need before I need it. I don't think I would be able to do this if it wasn't for them, and I don't know how I can ever thank them for what they have done for me through this time. They have known when to hug and when to joke...and when to bring on the escape. I can't imagine life without these people, but I also couldn't imagine life without my brother.

This brings in a new chapter - a new journey. I don't know what life looks like without Jason, but I am going to have to find out. This is a chapter in life that I never wanted to live. When we were kids, we were so opposite. I was shy and didn't like people. Jason was outgoing and loved talking to anyone and everyone. As we grew older, things began to change. It took the space of 3,000 miles for us to become friends, and slowly, I became the social butterfly while Jason retreated into only having a few close friends. We had more in common since we had both played the part of social butterfly and also the part of the wallflower. We could relate to each other more. When Jason was taken to the hospital a month ago, I never dreamed that this would be the outcome. I truly believed that God would heal him because I wasn't done getting to know my older brother. God did heal him completely, just not in the way that we had hoped. Jason is now living a life free of pain and free of sodium restrictions. For that, I am glad. For the rest of us, I am sad. Jason had such a light to him that he could brighten anyone's day. He took pleasure in making people laugh. He was an amazing man of God and while I can't imagine life without him, here I am at the beginning of this chapter that I never wanted to live - the chapter of life without him. I'm not sure how I am going to do it, but I know that God never gives us more than we can bear.

God is good all the time.