i'm not going back, i'm moving ahead. i'm here to declare to You, "my past is over". in You, old things are made new. surrendered my life to Christ, i'm moving...moving forward.

distant and broken
words left unspoken
divided yet we're the same

bitter and lonely
words that are spoken
divide us all in Your Name

together we can sing this song to You
in harmony united by the truth

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

You are the Father
Son and the Spirit
yet You are only one

together we can sing this song anew
united by Your Spirit in Your Truth

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all
You're above all and in all and through all

make us one
make us one
make us one
and heal the broken body
through the Son
through Your Son, Lord
make us one
and heal the broken body

~written by lauren boyd



seriously, i LOVE this song - it speaks true of what is completely necessary in the church today - getting rid of the things that separate us from each other - we need to be giving ourselves away to help the people around us - we need to allow God to heal us so that we don't cause strife in the midst of the Body of Christ - we need to do everything we can to heal the broken Body of Christ - we need to help heal the hurting people around us.

so, as i sit on a friend's bed and do my homework for BIBL 425, this song pops into my head, and i can't seem to get it out. so, i end up getting distracted by this song, and then realize that it must be the Lord interrupting my thoughts. this song is one that i love, but don't listen to often because of how it can convict. it kind of goes along with the homework that i've been doing about salvation and justification, and it's just a couple lines running through my head. sometimes i love the way that God speaks to me.



i sit here and question why my God loves me
though i have never done a good thing
or a righteous deed
and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor
crying over earthly things i know i can't afford
but He who died is greater than these
i should be thankful
praying on my knees, crying
Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace
o, my King of kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me



okay, so that's more of the lyrics than were going through my head, but it seemed so weird to not have the whole first portion of the song on here.

so, i'm going to attempt to make sense of something that i've had rolling around in my mind for a few weeks now. i realize now that i should have written it down somewhere sooner, but things got so hectic and busy, and it got pushed to the back burner. (when i'm done with this, i might give an update on my life, but i'm thinking that this might be it for tonight.)

okay, so my pastor at home has been talking about peter and how Jesus was preparing him to be the rock of the church. it's pretty amazing how things in peter's life pan out and everything. i sometimes wonder at how Jesus was so patient with peter through all of his mistakes and everything. seriously amazing. okay, to what i'm going to try and focus on - give me a second...i have to go find the notes really quick.

okay, i'm back. i found the notes which is a good thing because my mind is seriously going in about a hundred different directions right now, and the baby in the apartment above me is crying again.

okay, enough with distractions, on to what i came here to write about today.

Looking at John 21:1-23. This is the passage in which Jesus asks peter multiple times "do you love Me?" now, i haven't always understood the implications of these verses, but when my pastor was speaking about this a couple weeks ago, it all started to make sense. looking at this passage in context, peter had already denied Jesus 3 times, and then Jesus was dead. or so peter thought. this was something that Peter hadn't been anticipating. he had thought Jesus had come to bring in His Kingdom. He was supposed to win and become king, He wasn't supposed to die. so, looking at it this way, peter had to have been discouraged. he had to have just wanted to give up. i know that every person thinks that way sometimes. i get that way sometimes. thinking that it would be so much easier to give up than to keep going. peter started this passage with the statement to a few of the other disciples, "i am going fishing." and the others said that they would go with him. when day was breaking, they had caught nothing. this had happened before, and Jesus had performed a miracle and they had believed in Him. the disciples in the boat this time had to have remembered that time when Jesus had given them an amazing catch of fish, but they were discouraged. Jesus was gone, and He hadn't brought in His Kingdom, and they thought that maybe they could just go back to fishing, because they were good at that. then, there was a man on the shore who called out to them - "children, do you have any fish?" and they said no. the man on the shore then told them to cast the net on the other side of the boat. now, as fishermen, they would have known that it didn't matter which side of the boat the net was on in order to catch fish, but they did it anyways. they ended up catching so many fish that they couldn't bring the net into the boat. it was then that john said to peter "it is the Lord!" peter was so excited that he put on his outer garment and jumped into the sea and swam to shore. he was so excited to be with the Lord. this was what he wanted - to be with the Lord. he didn't want to be a fisherman, but he had been at the point of giving up. he had been told previously of his betrayal and of his forgiveness and of how he would need to take his experience and strengthen the bretheren, but he had been ready to give it all up and go back to fishing. after the others got to shore, they had breakfast with Jesus. it was then that Jesus and peter took a little walk. Jesus started asking peter questions. when Jesus asks peter "do you love me more than these?" he was talking about the fish. asking peter if he loved the Lord more than fish, but the form of love Jesus was using was agape love. in peter's response, he used phileo love (brotherly love), pretty much telling Jesus that he had warm affection for him. then Jesus asks him again using the word for agape love again, and again, peter uses phileo love. then, when Jesus asks the third time "do you love me?", He used phileo love. peter was grieved because he had failed before. he had gotten confident and was grieving because he knew that he could never love his Lord the way that he was loved. peter was broken, honest, and genuine - afraid to ever boast again - he had failed miserably the last time he boasted and now didn't want to boast. he stood before the Lord a broken man, but he kept going after he had been challenged by Jesus. Jesus then proceeded to tell peter that even though he had failed, he would bring glory to God through his life if he followed Jesus and didn't worry about anyone else.


okay, so i know that that last paragraph is a lot of information, and kind of word vomit, but let me just put it into my own thoughts (that was all pretty much from my notes). peter failed. Jesus forgave. peter gave up. Jesus challenged. peter rose again and glorified God.

even when we fail, we can return and glorify God in our lives. isn't that amazing?

apparently

i haven't written in here in a while. i've been busy. life gets busy when you're living in the real world - not like it's not busy when you're going to school full time. i'm leaving soon to go back to school, and i'm pretty excited about that. i think that this year is going to be a good year - scary, but good. i'm done with school in may, and i have absolutely no idea as to what i am going to do when i graduate, but i'm excited about being done, and i know that God will show me what He wants me to do when i finish.

i'll try to write something more later - i'm super tired, and i have to get up and make coffee for other people in the morning. hopefully i can get a nap in sometime in the afternoon!

okay, so i've been studying the book of hosea recently, and i am constantly in awe of how God worked in that book. it amazes me that He would ask someone to marry a prostitute and then continually have to buy her back from other lovers. it paints an amazing picture, but at the same time, you wonder how we can keep doing this to God.

i'm gonna write a study on this eventually - when i start getting things written, i'll probably post some of it on here.

so, tonight while i was sitting in church, i thought of a new Bible study series that i would love to write, and i think i'm going to start on it this summer. i want to write on hosea - about the ways that God loves us, even though we stray from Him - even though sometimes we willingly walk away. He knew all of this ahead of time, and yet, He still chooses to love us. it still amazes me.

tonight

okay, so i just saw that i haven't written in here in forever, but things got busy. all of that seems so trivial right now. i'm sitting in the hospital right now - surrounded by my family. my grandpa got an inoperable brain aneurism at three in the morning, and is now in a coma. the doctors don't think that he's going to make it through the night. i have to admit, i wasn't ready to let him go. i wanted one more conversation with him. i wanted to hug him one more time. the last time i saw him was back in january. i didn't think it was the last time. i know he's ready to go. he'll be so much more comfortable there than he is here. i just wish it wasn't this soon.

pretty much how i feel sometimes...

i was so unique, now i feel skin deep
count on the makeup to cover it all
crying myself to sleep 'cause i cannot keep their attention
thought i could be strong but it's killing me
does someone hear my cry? i'm dying for new life

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside my heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love and beautiful

sometimes i wish i was someone other than me
fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing
won't You help me back to glory?

i want to be beautiful and make You stand in awe
look inside me heart and be amazed
i want to hear You say who i am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love

You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe
You look inside my heart and i am amazed
i love to hear You say who i am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

so, i think i'm going to be making another change in my life. i'm not completely positive yet, but i think i'll know for sure when i talk to one of my teachers tomorrow. i'm pretty excited about the possibility of this. i think that's it for now.

every morning i have a chance to rise and give my all
but every afternoon i find i have only wasted time
in light of Your awe.

thinking...

i sit here and question why my God loves me. though i have never done a good thing, or a righteous deed. and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor, crying over earthly things i know i can't afford but He who died is greater than these i should be thankful, praying on my knees crying Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me.

now i never claimed to be any more than i am, any more than i seem. in fact, i bill myself so much less than i am, so much less than He sees, so may i hold out with an open hand this frail life of mine and pray that You make it stand, most Holy God, it's all i need to say that i'm thankful, i can believe in the Alpha and omega, Prince of Peace, o my King of kings, the Great I Am Jehovah Jireh who cares for me the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity. All Consuming Fire burn in me. All Consuming Fire burn in me.





pretty much, the first phrase of the first verse of this song is how i feel at the moment. jennifer knapp never ceases to make me think about the things in my life that need changing.

maybe repetitive, but maybe not...we shall see...

okay, so i just read the last thing i posted on here and realized that it had something to do with breathing, and that is definitely what i was going to post about now. i think i'm going to anyways. as you read below, breathing is very important to me, not that it isn't important to everyone, but for me, not a day goes by when i don't think about breathing at least twice a day when i'm taking my meds.

i'm getting a cold, and since i was diagnosed with asthma, my colds always settle in my chest. it's just a way of life that i am still trying to get used to. because the cold is settling in my chest, it impairs my breathing. i guess i didn't really notice it until i tried to walk up a ton of stairs really fast. now, anyone with asthma will tell you that doing that is a bad idea even if you don't have a chest cold, but i was running late, so i tried to hurry. i'm pretty sure i ended up being later to my class than i would have if i had just slowed down a little bit. when i got to the top of the stairs, i seriously almost fainted. (this isn't something i want a few of my friends to know for a few days). i had to sit down right away and start drinking some of the ginger ale that i happened to have, and then i got extremely hot. a few minutes later, i got extremely cold, and hardcore wanted to be in a dry sauna or something just so that i would be warm.

i don't know how this all relates together, and i don't think i'm going to try and make it relate together, but that episode started making me think about the things in life that are so taken for granted. sometimes, i take for granted the fact that i am going to have another day to complete the tasks that God has given me, sometimes i take for granted that i am going to be safe, sometimes i take my friends for granted. the last one is something that i think about more often now that i am 3000 miles away from childhood friends, and back in the presence of friends i was away from for 7 months, but it is that first one that scares me. i should not think that just because i've been given a large task by God that i am going to have all the time in the world to complete it. i should try and accomplish the things that He gives me faster than i complete things for myself. now, i know that everything in my life has been given to me from God, but i am talking about more specific things - things i like to call God moments. moments where you know that the King of kings is speaking into your heart and asking you to do something for Him that shows Him how much you love Him, or shows Him that you will be obedient to Him whenever He asks.

there is something in my life that i know needs to be cut out, but for some reason, i can't seem to do it. when i was thinking about that today, i realized that i can't do it because i think that i can cut it out when i get older. who knows if i am actually going to wake up in the morning? who knows if tomorrow is a day in which i can get something accomplished or if it is a day when my life will be threatened and i will be so seriously injured that i cannot then accomplish the tasks that i have been given by the Lord.

backwards...

today, i've felt the amazingness of conviction.

to begin, i have asthma. now, you might think, "how does that convict you?" somehow, i hope to show you my connecting thoughts in the next couple paragraphs.

the air all over the world is in a constant state of change, but i don't seem to notice it as much when i'm in oregon. here, in virginia, i notice it quite a bit. most people notice when their skin feels sticky or dry, but i notice when my lungs hurt or something along those lines. today, i haven't been breathing well. i can usually tell by the way that i am sitting if i am getting enough oxygen or not, and i definitely haven't been getting enough oxygen today. when i tried to breathe better, it made me cough and have to use my inhaler. i realized how dependent i am upon my inhaler. i couldn't find it right at first and i thought i was going to have to come home and get a different one. there was a little panic in me when i couldn't find it right away which made my breathing even worse.

later this evening, a song got stuck in my head. the first couple lines say, "this is the air i breathe, this is the air i breathe, Your Holy presence living in me", and i started to think about how important breathing became in my life almost 2 years ago. now, breathing is always important, but to me, it's not something i take for granted because there are so many days when it does not come easily for me. then i started thinking about how a lot of the time, God can get pushed to the back of my mind during the day because i think i am too busy for Him. i think that i have too much to do, so i don't have the time to pray. isn't God supposed to be the most important thing in my life? and yet, when i have to search for Him in the depths of my heart, there is no panic, and yet, when i couldn't find my inhaler, there was serious panic. something seems a little bit backwards there.

i've been so convicted today that i need to be making God the top priority in my life and not allowing myself to take His presence in my life for granted.








okay, so i'm sorry if the above makes no sense to you...i've got a migraine and i should be sleeping, but i needed to get this out. i'm going to close my computer now and try and sleep off the migraine. i hope it's gone tomorrow.

i sit here today convicted. convicted of who i have become, and yet the fact of what i have a passion for in my life. convicted that i want others to be so much better than i am. convicted that i expect so much more from other people that i expect from myself. this semester is going to be interesting as i take this journey into myself as well as work on writing studies that will impact the lives of others. i know that it is a good thing, but at the same time, it's not a comforting feeling. sometimes it feels better to not completely understand the things in life, but i know that it will all be so much better when i am walking where i should be. when i am allowing God to be in the place He should be in my life. when i am in a state of total surrender to the Lord.

broken is where i need to be.

oh, life...

okay, so i kinda forgot about this thing. school is going well. i'm taking a lot of classes, and at times it's a little overwhelming, but life does go on. i'm working at subway still, but i'm looking for another job because i really hate it there. it's not fun anymore. i want to work somewhere with kids because i love kids.

i was realizing that i really need to start thinking about what i want to do after i graduate. i know of an opportunity to work for my favorite teacher and go to seminary for free, but i don't know if i want to do seminary, but at the same time i think it could be really cool. or maybe i should try to get a full-time job on campus and go for my master's degree, or maybe i should go and find a real job and start my life in the real world. i'm seriously at a loss for what to do right now.

anyways, kim is on her way to come and pick me up. i should probably get going and pack up my stuff before she gets here.

i hope life for you is going well! mine is pretty good right now, minus the stress of not knowing what to do after graduation...

back in the saddle again...

so, i'm back in l-burg, getting ready to start my 2nd to last semester of college. i'm pretty excited to see what this new semester has in store for me. i have 1 class tomorrow, and then i've got 4 on tuesday and those same 4 on thursday, and nothing on wednesday and friday. it's gonna be a good week. my birthday is on thursday, and we're gonna have a sleepover from friday to saturday which i'm pretty stinkin excited about. we're gonna play games and stay up late and have chili cheese dip.

i'm continuing to learn things about who i am and where God wants me to be. i really want to start looking at larger churches to see if there's one that has a paid women's ministries position and then do something with my actual degree on the side. that's really what i'm leaning towards right now. i just need to figure out how to start looking into finding this job that i want.

other than that, i'm looking for a new job, and i'm gonna start working at subway in a week or so if i don't get a job. when i start working kind of depends on my refund status stuff. i've still got a couple things to work out.

anyways, i'm watching friends right now with emily. i should probably get going. i'm gonna try to keep this updated a lot more this year. i haven't been so great at updating this, but then again, i'm not exactly sure who reads this, so i guess it isn't a huge deal. and, to you, my blog reader, if you are there, i hope you have a wonderful week this week.

it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas

seriously.

i guess it sometimes takes a while to hit me. i'm at home now, and i'm looking at the decorations that have been up for a couple weeks now, and i'm thinking "wow...it's finally starting to feel like Christmas to me." i'm needing to start my shopping and make sure i get all of that done before it's too late! now, in my defense, i've been super busy this year. i've been working 2 jobs and doing full-time online classes, but things are starting to wind down for me now, and i'm getting time to think about the things i've been able to do and the things i haven't, and let me tell you, the list of things i haven't gotten done is much longer than the list of things that i have gotten done. it's kind of crazy to think about.

i'm leaving here in just over 3 weeks, and i've gotten nothing ready to go yet...i'm so totally unprepared to leave, and yet, i can't wait to go. it's gonna be a great reunion with friends when i get there! well, i need to get going and finish my school work...i've just got 2 more tests and a set of essay questions to turn in, and then i'm done until next month! and, i'll be one month closer to being completely done with school! i'm super excited about that, but at the same time, i'm really scared to be done with school...it's kind of the fear of the unknown, i guess. well, now i really need to go. i hope that you, my reader, have a great day, and i'm taking the time right now to wish you a merry Christmas because i don't know when i'll be writing in here again...i'm not so great at keeping up with this thing.

the right place

this is kind of inspired by something someone close to me wrote recently. you know who you are...i think

i was talking with my mom the other night, and we were talking about my life over the past several months. i stayed at home for a semester to work and take online classes. while i was home, i learned some valuable lessons about who i am, and about my relationship with God. one thing i learned was that even when we don't deserve something, God can choose to bless us.

a little background to that: i recently changed my major, and for my new major, i have to have an internship. i was told that you need to start applying for internships at least 2 semesters before you want to be doing it. smart person i am didn't apply for any internships. for some reason, i thought that i would apply later, and i kept saying that to myself. then, all of a sudden, it was october, and i hadn't applied for an internship, and i wanted to be starting my internship in june. this was no good. through some random connections i have, i ended up with an interview on october 31, and i was pretty excited about that. then, i showed up for the interview-ish thing, and quickly got discouraged. they were looking for someone who needed an internship right away, and they didn't need anyone over the summer. great. then, the lady i was talking with got an idea and went into the other room and came back with someone else. this other person needed an intern for the summer and was super happy to be meeting with me. and, a couple short weeks later, i was handed a job description, and i have the internship starting in may.

so, as my mom and i were talking, she brought out this book that she used when talking with my brother at one point, and she showed it to me. the circumstances surrounding my decision to stay at home probably weren't the best things in the world, but i know that this is where i was supposed to be for this school term. here's an excerpt from what my mom showed me earlier tonight:

"Thank You that You have me in the place You want me just now...that even if I got here through wrong choices of indifference or even rebellion, yet You knew my mistakes and sins before I ever existed, and You worked them into Your plan to draw me to Yourself, to mold and bless me, and to bless others through me.

Thank You that I can safely commit my location and situation to You. I can 'be willing for you to shift me anywhere on life's checkerboard, or bury me anywhere in life's garden, gladly yielding myself for You to please Yourself with, anywhere and anyway You choose' (source unknown)

So I rest in the fact that You have me in this place for this day, and I praise You that You will faithfully guide me throughout life to just where You want me to be, as I seek to do Your will.

And most important of all is my place in You. How delighted I am to have You as my dwelling place where I can settle down, feel secure and be content anywhere on earth...You are my blessed home, 'where I can enter and be at rest even when all around and above is a sea of trouble' (Andrew Murray). How my soul delights to hide in the secret of Your presence...to take refuge in the shadow of Your wings, to eat at Your table, to drink my fill of the river of Your delights. How blessed I am, my King and my God, for You have chosen me, and brought me near, to live in Your presence, to behold Your delightfulness, to seek Your counsel...And to think that I will dwell in Your house forever!"


this is something i was thinking about...if i hadn't stayed at home, i wouldn't have this amazing internship opportunity in a Christian environment with people that i enjoy being around working for a cause that i believe in.

and, although i didn't understand being torn away from the friends that had come to be a part of my daily life from september through may, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. i'm seriously so excited to be heading back to that side of the country in just over a month.

right now, something is confusing me a lot. i don't know what i should do about it, and i'm hoping that it doesn't come up before i'm 3,000 miles away listening to my friends call someone their future friend-in-law...because that makes me laugh...and it doesn't make my head hurt from listening to them...thinking about what's going on right now in my life makes my head hurt a lot, and i don't like it at all. it's kind of bittersweet...