broken

these lyrics have been on my heart for days, and i just have to get this out:

and i will live to carry Your compassion
to love a world that's broken
to be Your hands and feet
and i will give with the life that i've been given
and go beyond religion
to see the world be changed
by the power of Your Name

another set of lyrics on my heart are:

Your Name is Jesus, Your Name is Jesus
You're the Wonderful Counselor, my friend
You're what i hold on to
i know that You brought me through
all the days of loss to the cross
you knew i'd need a Savior




definition - broken: fragmented, ruptured, torn, fractured, weakened in strength or spirit.

currently, i am working in a ministry with broken women. women who have come to the end of their ropes, and they are in my care as their last resort for gaining a successful life. when you think of a broken person, especially as a christian, you think of someone who is broken by conviction by the Lord, but these women are not broken that way. many of them are facing divorce, many of them are unable to see their children because of what they have done. many of them have disorders and diseases that are brought on by their addiction. addiction is all they have known. disorder is all they have known. they have had so much trauma in their lives that you can't imagine what they have been through. they live moment to moment and everything they want is something that they demand to have right as soon as they want it, and if you ask them to wait, they blow up. they come from a world where it is okay to prostitute yourself in order to get your next hit of your drug of choice. some come straight from the streets, others come from prison, and a very few come from suburban homes to our facility. anxiety disorders are commonplace. depression runs rampant through them. they know that they are going to lose EVERYTHING if this program does not work for them.

the first 40 days are the hardest. those are the days in which we are learning about who they are and where they have come from. we are learning about all of the things that they want to keep secret. no matter how well they think that they have hidden the secret, it does get found out. God is all over this place, and He is ardently pursuing their hearts. the devil SO wants to keep them in their despair. he attacks them through PTSD flashbacks, through family problems, through arguments, through the desire to hide their issues and their problems from everyone they come into contact with.

many people look at these women and see the lowest form of human there is. people look and wonder what on earth could have drug them to the addiction that they suffer from. many people believe that there is merely a choice that leads people to an addiction, and they do not understand the full extent of mental illness. many people see the mental illness and believe that this was brought upon themselves because of their addiction.

the thought that addiction is merely a choice is a very narrow-minded thought. mental illness is not brought on by addiction, but rather, addiction is a way of medicating a mental illness.

all these women have ever known is chaos and addiction. they come from families where generations upon generations have suffered from addiction. they come from families who have defiled them in unimaginable ways. they do not know any other way of life, and they come into the care of this facility and program to try and learn a new way of life.

only about one in ten makes it through the program. only one in ten learns this new way of life well enough to thrive outside these walls. what the others learn is that they have a choice, but sadly, many of them choose to return to what they have known for their whole lives instead of choosing the better life in God.

to be someone who can help these women see the love that God has for them is amazing. my shift today consisted of cleaning. that's all i did. the women all have chores throughout the facility, and they have not been doing well at keeping them up, so, my coworker and i decided to show them one of the ultimate ways to serve - we cleaned for them, and we are getting none of the credit. we were on our hands and knees for eight hours scrubbing and organizing and disinfecting everything in the facility. the women saw and asked what they could do to help, and we told them to go on with their day. they asked why we were doing this, and we said that it was to serve.

i work in a job where i can freely talk about the Lord, but if i am not living out the things that He commands, and if i am not living out the things that i am saying, i am worth nothing. we are teaching these women to love one another, and i am learning daily what it means to be love. some verses that are always on my heart are these: "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but them face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

what sticks out to me the most right now in these verses is the part in which it says, "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." for these women, i have to bear their burdens. i have to bear all of the things in life that bring them anxiety. i have to believe for them that healing and restoration are possible. i have to believe for them that they are more than their addictions have led them to be. i have to believe for them that a successful life is possible. i have to believe for them that God loves them and desires a relationship with them. i have to hope with them that redemption is possible. i have to hope with them that change is probable. i have to hope with them that forgiveness is available for them. i have to hope with them that they can be successful. i have to endure with them the stressful times of just wanting to go out and give in to the addiction. i have to endure the blowups when someone touches on a subject that hits a little too close to home. i have to endure the trauma flashbacks with them. i have to endure for them.

i was talking with my coworker today, and we mentioned the fruit of the Spirit. we were realizing that we daily have to be living out those things as well, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit." we need to be daily surrendering our lives to God, otherwise we will not make it through life here. we need to be living out the fruit of the Spirit. i already talked about living out love, but we also have to be joyful in serving. we need to maintain peace for them. we need to be patient when they are being unreasonable. we need to be kind when they are demanding. we need to be good so that they can see God in us. we need to be faithful to them and to God because no one has ever been faithful to them in their lives. we need to treat them gently because a harsh word stirs up much trauma. we need to be self-controlled to model to them what self-control means. we need to be self-controlled because if we do not control ourselves, we are reminding them of their lives before coming to this place. we need to maintain our self-control in the face of their outbursts because if we let our flesh take over, we will not be able to bear with them and allow them to calm down and regain a more rational mindset.

one Bible passage that i have to constantly have in my mind is this, "They went each to his own house, but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, 'Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?' This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, 'Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.' And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' She said, 'No one, Lord.' And Jesus said, 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and from no on, sin no more.'" if Jesus hung out with the sinners, why do we as christians surround ourselves with christians? why are not more christians reaching out to the people that the world sees as the lowest form of person? what are most christians doing about this? they are saying that someone else will take care of these people. yes, someone else will come along, but that is only because God does not need me to accomplish this, but how much better is it that i am walking in His will. God loves the outcasts, so why do those who claim to love God keep away from the outcasts.

there are many in the world who will look at what i am doing and think that it is great, but at the same time, not really understand. there are many christians who will look at what i am doing and wonder how i can surround myself daily with people who have lived in so much sin in their lives.

we are in a battle. we are battling for souls. the battle is not one in the physical world, but at the same time, it is so relevant in the physical world. i have seen wounded women oppressed by demonic spirits. i have seen wounded women become more wounded by the church. i have seen wounded women come to the Lord and pray for the healing that only He can bring. i have hugged and loved wounded women. i have seen wounded women cry out to the Lord to be delivered, and i have seen Him answer, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." i have seen wounded women receive healing through the power and the grace of Jesus Christ. what does it matter that they come from a sinful life? i came from a sinful life. no, i did not use drugs. no, i did not drink. no, i did not prostitute myself. all sin is the same in the eyes of the Lord. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." i fall short of His glory just as much as they do. if i can be healed from my past and made into a new person in the Lord, then so can they.




these women that i work with are all amazing women. in the words of my wonderful coworker, "i can sometimes see who she could have been if she had not suffered the trauma that led to her addiction, and it is up to me to show her."

it is up to me to show her what life can be outside of addiction, and i must be full of love - if i am full of love, the other things will follow, but love is the first thing that i must put on in the morning. my job description is as simple as this, "to love, serve, and build relationships with broken women."

God's love is never dividing

so, i was just looking through some old posts on here, and i found lyrics to a song that i still love - when i was reading the words to this song, something was brought to mind about a situation going on at my work. it is really hard to explain on here without breaking confidentiality laws, so i won't get into it, but the fact that things that Christians say will make divisions in the body of Christ. it is absolutely insane that we, as Christians, can say or do something that can so damage another human being so as to break them. it is completely crazy to me that some people think that's okay.

another song comes to mind as well - it is about asking God to give us His mind and His heart so that the world can see Him in us. i think that it is absolutely amazing to be able to pray that because of where i am working. i am working with a lot of recovering addicts and people who are trying to work through trauma in their lives. i think that it is completely necessary for us, as Christians in this kind of environment, to ask that God be revealed through us to the people that we are interacting with. not that it isn't important in other types of work as well, but in this type of work, people are literally at the end of their ropes and ready to give up on life, and part of my job is to bring hope into the lives of these women. how am i able to do that if i am saying or doing things that are going to break them down? how am i going to be able to reach these women if they do not see God in me? how?

the answer is, they aren't going to see God in me, and i'm not going to be able to reach them if i'm trying to do this in my own strength. i have to be completely relying on God to bring these women to Himself, but i have to also allow Him to work through me and my life and my actions in order for Him to reach them.



just a little something on my mind recently.

Cannot hold it in...

Has something so spectacular that you immediately started calling everyone you know just to tell them the good news ever happened to you? To be honest, it has happened to me - several times. I can think back on my life and pinpoint those moments. The first big one was when I was in high school and I got accepted to work in a leadership training program at a summer camp. Another was when I was accepted into the nursing program at Liberty University. Another was when I found out that I was going to Asia with a woman's team this past school year. The most recent was when I was offered the job that I am currently holding.

Now, those things are good things - they are things that should be shared with the people who love you.

As I was reading my Bible this morning, I came across a verse that started me thinking about these things. I'm not going to share the whole thing - just the part that got me thinking - "there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot." This is the prophet Jeremiah speaking. Just before this portion of the verse, he was saying that he could never say that he would no more speak the Word of God for this very reason. How often do we begin calling everyone we know who does not know the Lord just to share the good news of His death with them? I wouldn't ever think twice about calling everyone about getting a good job or getting accepted into seminary, but there is a part of me that would hesitate to call certain people just to share the news of God. Now, I am not in any way saying that this is right, because it isn't. I should be more willing to share Christ with someone than I am to share about someone buying me Starbucks that day.

I'm definitely feeling convicted today about this. It has been running through my mind for a good portion of the day - how can I be more eager to share the love of God with another person? How can I begin to share how grateful I am to Him that He saved me and set me apart for a specific purpose? How can I be a light to the world around me without getting embarrassed with the message I am sharing?

can't sleep

i feel like God is telling me to do something, but i don't know what it is. i feel like there should be a purpose as to why i am up at this hour, but i can't figure it out. my brain won't shut off, and i don't know why. i've already been in bed for over an hour, and nothing, so i came out to the living room and have been reading my Bible and praying, and i'm more awake than i was before. i don't understand it, but i thought i would share it here.

i've started my new job, and i love it. the women here are great women who have begun to open up to me about various things in their lives. i wish i knew how to really reach each one where she is in her life, but God will have to do that through me.

i should probably get off now - i was kinda hoping for an early night tonight, but it's not looking that way anymore.

Life

"I have always taken care of you." ~God

I can't believe how life has taken this turn. A week ago, I didn't know what I would be doing after graduation. I wasn't sure where in the United States I would be. Now, I have accepted a job with New Faith Family Center in Albany, NY. I am really excited about this opportunity that I have with this! I am moving right after graduation. I need to call tomorrow for more details, but I can't wait to get this all figured out. I am SUPER excited about this!

hindsight

i remember as You kneeled to wash our feet that night
though i resisted You explained it had to be
as an example of how we should serve each other
but as You gently washed my feet, what did you see?
it seems like yesterday we all sat there together
and each word You said stirred fire in my soul
about how the always faithful man comes under stormy weather
but as You smiled at me then you must have known

and as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away

looking back, i can't imagine how You did it
i could not have shown such love if i had known
that this man whose feet i washed would soon deny that he had known me
still You humbly served Your servant
and now that love cuts through the bone
because i promised that i never would deny You
i said that i would rather die than curse Your name
and all along You loved me though You knew they were shallow empty words
and now each time my feet i wash, it just reminds me of my shame

'cause as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away

how could You love me?
why did You love me?

now for the first time i can finally see things clearly
You gave love and asked for nothing in return
now i pledge my life to loving others just like You loved me
and how the memories of that night You washed my feet have set me free

'cause as You gently poured the water
You heard me say i never knew you
as You wiped away the dust
You saw me hide beneath the lie
as You anointed me with oil
You must have known i wouldn't stay
You washed my feet, so i could walk away
so i could walk away

~hindsight by everybodyduck

in between the rain

so, i'm leaving the country in just over 2 days. i'm nervous and excited all at the same time. it's kinda crazy. like hardcore. seriously.

here i am

awake is where i stand
i feel more dead than i've ever been
my soul begins to shout
through the soundproof walls
my heart pours out
here i am
take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
my clothes are stained with love
my blood and tears, they don't seem like enough
You say that it won't hurt me as much as it hurts You
then i can't imagine the kind of pain You must be going through
my eyes held tightly closed
to give my tears nowhere to go
here i am
Lord, take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
here i am
take me now
here i am
i'm frail and broken down
my eyes held tightly closed
to give my tears nowhere to go


~here i am by logan martin

and

i'm getting baseball fever, so i decided to change the background. i seriously can't wait for baseball!

although, i will still feel a void in my life because of the lack of hockey...but life goes on.

AH!

so, i just heard from a lady that i emailed about a possible job, and they're going to contact me by the end of the week! they're sending me a packet of info, and then the director is going to contact me when she gets back into the office! i can't believe that i might have something for after graduation lined up!!! i'm super excited about this!

wow...

so, today has definitely been a day of emotions. first, something completely unexpected happened, and i will leave all of you blog readers in the dark about this, because i don't really know how to explain it without coming across as some sort of creeper, but it does put a new twist on some of my life experiences to date.

then, i had to put together my "story". aka my testimony, but not as you think of a testimony. i wasn't supposed to focus on the timeline of events, but rather the relationship i have with God. it was difficult to put that into words, and i typed it out and ended up scrapping my preparations right before i had to share with the group at the meeting. what i shared was my heart - how i know God the way that i know Him - what He has taught me over the past several years. it was difficult to share, and i did so at a pretty surface level, but then questions were asked of me, and i realized that i needed to go a bit deeper in what i shared. sharing with people how Christ has changed my life means sharing with them what has hurt me in the past and how that has changed and shaped my present and my future. it was really hard to share, but i knew that to really open up with this group of people was essential to my ministry, and if i can't open up to these people, how am i going to be able to open up to someone else? someone who i am ministering to? i know that one of the qualities people look for is openness, and if you can tell that someone isn't sharing everything, you aren't going to be willing to open up to them until they open up to you.

lastly, i got home from my meeting, and was still a little emotional from sharing during the meeting, and i checked my email. i had sent out an email earlier letting my prayer supporters know where i stood with finances for this trip, and there was an email from a lady who had approached me back in august to say that no matter what, she and her husband would make sure i was going on this trip, and the email from her said that they were sending a check for almost the entirety of what i need to be fully financed. whenever i think about it, i am close to tears.

God is amazing. life is so unpredictable and crazy, but God is sovereign through it all. i can't even imagine where i would be or who i would be without Him. i know that i would be so much worse off, and i also know that i wouldn't be happy. i wouldn't have the joy that i have in my life now.

my heart is so full.

all of my life

in every season
You are still God
and i have a reason to sing
i have a reason to worship




such powerful words written by a woman who had just lost a child. i need to be more like this.

new beginnings...so close to the ending

why is it that i seem to find people who could have been amazing friends only 3 months before we all leave this school to head out and begin doing what we believe God has called us to do for Him? i know that there is a reason that these people have come into my life, but at the same time, it seems so unfair that we aren't going to get a very long time to know each other and build friendships. i guess that's what email is for?

i know i've been writing somewhat short and shallow posts for a while, and i'm going to try and remedy that sometime soon...it's just that this is all i can seem to write down online for now...i guess there's a lot going on in my life that i am not ready to share with the online world.

now, for me, it is time to return to my paper for CHHI on the canonization of the Bible...

hard to believe

it is coming upon the end of my time in lynchburg...that fact is still hard for me to believe. this place, as much as i want to leave, has become such an important part of shaping who i am today. i know that i wouldn't be the person i am now if it wasn't for this place. and, as much as i want to leave and see what God has in store for me, i am going to be a little sad to leave...

little reminders...

tonight i went to Bible study at my church, and we sang a few songs at the beginning, and then spent time in prayer. it was amazing, but what caught me was one of the songs that we sang. it's one i've known for what seems like forever, but the words really hit me tonight -

better is ONE day in Your courts
better is ONE day in Your house
better is ONE day in Your courts
than THOUSANDS elsewhere









wow.

so,

i think i'm going to have to go to bed soon. i've been trying to ignore a headache all day, and it doesn't seem to be going away at all. i've tried taking stuff, i've tried eating, all to no avail. i'm even wearing my glasses. stupid head. i'm off to watch some friends and maybe sleep away the ache.

faith

Tonight, I was writing a paper for my class on the book of Romans, and while writing the paper, I came across this verse that I have read so many times, and never really thought about, but tonight, in the middle of writing my paper, it made me think a lot. I love when you're reading a passage that you've read so many times before, and God all of a sudden opens your eyes and you see the passage in a new light. It is amazing how God does that. Anyways, here are my thoughts:

Hebrews 11:13-16, "These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

Just a little preface, these verses come in the middle of the chapter of faith, and more specifically, these are in the middle of the verses about Abraham and Sarah.

Abraham was asked by God to leave his home and go to a country that he had never seen. God called him and asked him to go, and because Abraham believed that God had something better for him, Abraham went. He left everything that he had ever known, and went walking toward a promise of God that he had yet to see. The crazy thing is, Abraham was never fully a resident in the land that God had promised to him. He was always a foreigner, but he still believed God. He still believed that God had a plan in all of this.

As Abraham and Sarah left their home, they went forward. Not looking behind. That was the part that stuck out to me the most. Here's that verse again, "If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return." That is verse 15. This really made me think a lot about my life. There are so many things that I struggle with, but God has asked me to walk forward, looking only to Him. Sometimes I don't think that my faith is enough, because I still look back on plans I made for my own life and desire to go back to them. God has put a calling on my life, and while I know that it is the best thing, I think about how I love so much other stuff and would love to have the opportunity to see how that would play out in my life. There are so many times that I find myself staring longingly back, into my past, and for what? To return to a place that God has called me out of? To walk away from His perfect calling on my life?

If Abraham and Sarah had been looking behind them at the land and life that they had left behind, they would have found a reason to return. The NIV says, "they would have had opportunity to return."

"But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." They desired something better. They desired the life that God had called them to. The life of foreigners in the land. Think of how perfectly that resembles our lives on the earth - we are foreigners because our permanent dwelling is in heaven - we are only on this earth for a short time, and we need to be looking toward the heavenly country. We need to take our eyes off of the past and direct them towards the heavenly country because otherwise we will find the opportunity to return to something that God has called us out of.

Proverbs 16:9, "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

18...that's right...18

days away from going HOME! and, i just talked with my brother tonight, and he said that he was going to be coming up to the airport with my mom to pick me up! i'm pretty excited about that.

the end of the semester is upon me, and i couldn't be more excited. i'm so close to being DONE with school! i have 3 classes left that are required for my major, but i am taking 4 so that i can stay at full-time status. 1 of my classes is an independent study class, and 1 of them is going to be a DLP class...so i'll only have 2 classes that i have to go to! i'm pretty excited about that!

anyways, i should probably get going...i need to go to bed soon because i have to finish a paper tomorrow - and then i'll only have 2 presentations, 1 paper, and a commentary away from finals - and then it will be the end of the semester and i will be getting on a plane to go home. it will be glorious.

i.can't.wait.

not that far

underneath the stars
just a simple man and wife
somewhere in the dark
his words cut the silent night
"take my hand, for the child
that you carry is God's own
and though it seems the road is long

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for in our arms we'll cherish him
we're not that far from bethlehem

let us celebrate
as the Christmases go by
learn to live our days
with our hearts near to the Child
ever drawn, ever close
to the only love that lasts
and though 2000 years have passed

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far

we're not that far from bethlehem
where all our hope and joy began
for when our hearts still cherish His
we're not that far
we're not that far
from bethlehem

~not that far from bethlehem: point of grace



so, in my Bible study this morning, we were talking about ways to keep Christ the focus during this holiday season, and it really struck me. how many times do we say that we're focusing on Christ and living our lives to please Him and then in reality, we're being selfish humans who don't know what it means to truly love and serve God. this is something that i want to make sure i'm focused on this Christmas. instead of focusing on what to get for people, why not completely focus on the Lord and what this day actually signifies? this season is supposed to mark when our Lord put on human skin and come down to earth in order to give His life as the perfect sacrifice for our sins. when thinking about things in this way, things seem to have a better perspective.

well

life as of late has been interesting. things have been pretty busy, and i'm so close to being done with this semester. i'm so ready to go home and spend time with family. i think it is finally setting in that there is a possibility that i won't be going home for an extended period of time after this, and i want to spend time with my family. i love my family and i am really going to miss going home for summers and holidays once i am in my future career.

i have contacted monica about an internship after graduation in may, and i'm pretty excited about that...i should know by february! i'm really excited about this opportunity that she is putting together for those of us graduating from here. it's pretty amazing.

other than that, i have 25 days until i go home for Christmas!!! and only 175 days until i graduate!!! i can't wait to be done. it is going to be an amazing ride for the rest of the semester...and the rest of the year. i can't wait to see what God has planned for me.

now i'm going to go back to listening in my class.